My dad was so proud of his crisscross grill marks that he made me post it on “that website you’re always on”
So, here Ya go Dad

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@ursasthoughts
My dad was so proud of his crisscross grill marks that he made me post it on “that website you’re always on”
So, here Ya go Dad
if u ever meet me in real life do me a favor and hug me for like 2 solid days ok I’m a very sad very cuddly person
why commit murder when you can have one of these
come on guys
I’d kill for one of those.
I think you’re missing the point
omg yesterday at work my boss handed me a cheque and was like ‘i need you to deliver it to this building, it’s quite a large amount of money so be careful’ and i looked at it and it was just over 1.4 million dollars
1.4 MILLION DOLLARS
someone out there in this world thought i was emotionally mature enough to just fuckin…. carry…… in my own two hands….. 1.4 million dollars…. for 3 city blocks….. in the slight wind…..
let me fuckin tell you i have never been more stressed in my ENTIRE LIFE my palms were sweaty knees weak arms spaghetti i was carrying 1.4 million packets of gum in my hands AND IT WAS WINDY WHAT IF I HAD DROPPED IT?? WHAT IF 1.4 MILLION DOLLARS HAD JUST BEEN FLOATING AROUND THE CITY IN THE WIND???? like do you even god damn understand how many packets of gum that is
i bet nobody in the world has even SEEN 1.4 million packets of gum at once and there i was LITTLE OLD ME with the power to PURCHASE 1.4 MILLION PACKETS OF GUM AND I WAS JUST WALKIN AROUND IN THE SLIGHT WIND AND nobody… KNEW… NOBDOY WHO WALKED PAST ME… COULD UNDERSTAND… THE POWER… THE GUM… IN MY POSESSSION
and then i got to the building and it was so fancy the doorman who was probably 40 years older than me called me ma’am and i didn’t know how to respond so i laughed nervously and said thank you which i don’t think is actually the appropriate response to someone calling you ma’am now that i think about
AND THEN I GOT TO THE OFFICE OF THE GUY WHO IW AS GIVING THE CHEQUE TO AND MY HANDS WERE SHAKIN AND HE JUST TOOK IT SO CASUALLY AND SAID THANK YOU AND WALKED BACK INTO HIS OFFICE AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE MARK BUDDY DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY PACKETS OF GUM YOU ARE VIRTUALLY HOLDING RIGHT NOW but i didn’t because mark is the kind of person who just casually takes 1.4 million dollar cheques from people and i’m terrified of him
THIS IS THE BEST STORY IVE EVER READ THANK YOU FOR SHARING
The hole between your books when you lend a book to a friend is also a hole in your heart
i’m going to tell you a story about something absurd. so okay. when i was in high school, i would wear a ton of brown eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara, and because i was an ungrateful little brat i would wipe it off on my mom’s white hand towels every night. i’d wash my face, put on moisturizer, and make a beeline for the towel and smear my face all over it. perfect. i’d stand back and admire the eye-shaped smears on the towel and go to bed with a weird sense of pride. it was my terrible, lazy routine and i took some kind of strange joy in seeing how much i could get off onto that night’s hand towel.
mind you that i did this for years (years!!!) because i was the Worst and my mother is a literal saint who would grumble and bleach and re-bleach them again and again. from ages fifteen to seventeen, the only way i would remove my eye make up was to leave a gross rorshach stain on my mother’s beautiful bathroom linens. two perfectly spaced apart vaguely eyelid shaped blotches waiting to be bleached out of existence every night.
so fast forward to my freshman year of college. i’m home for thanksgiving break and i’m eating honey nut cheerios on the couch watching tv after taking a shower and wiping my makeup on a hand towel – business as usual. suddenly my brother bursts into the living room from a shower in a wild fury with a towel around his waist.
“okay” he starts, looking around wildly “who did it?!?!”
“who did what?” i don’t look up from my cheerios. he should know the drill about my awful makeup removal habits by now.
“who started wiping their ass on the towels again?? it stopped for a while and now someone’s doing again! i didn’t want to say anything but come on, i have to use those too! jeez!” and he storms off in a huff.
i have just found out that my brother, from ages eleven to thirteen, had been laboring under the notion that our bathroom hand towels were constantly covered in shit. for years. FOR YEARS HE BELIEVED THIS. for years he went into the bathroom, saw my makeup stains, and went “ugh, gross” and continued his day. as if this was something that happened all the time. as if this was a minor inconvenience. for LITERAL YEARS he looked at the distinctly eye-shaped stains on the bathroom towels and went, “man, what a bummer, there’s shit on these again. that’s life i guess!!!”
i am still in shock to this day. i’ve asked him about it since then he’s just said “i don’t know, i just assumed it was shit. that seemed the most likely.” unbelievable.
that’s my story.
Read it. Read the whole thing. Please.
Crying trying not to laugh out loud next to sleeping bedtime police husband
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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 | July 7th 2011 - Exactly 4 years ago today
“The intended use of the Thync System is to deliver pulsed neurostimulation waveforms to modulate psychophysiological arousal for lifestyle or wellness applications. The Thync System is not intended to treat or diagnose any disease or medical condition.“
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being shy and having resting bitch face is the worst combination because i look like a disinterested bitch but in reality i really want to socialize but i just dont know how to initiate conversation with strangers and also this is just my face
I need friends who’ll take cool aesthetic photos of me while I pretend I’m not looking
Safe sex 101 by yik yak
I WISH I WASNT SO FUCKING INSECURE ABOUT MY BODY LIKE DAMN SON I JUST WANT TO WEAR SHORTS WITHOUT ALMOST CRYING