A while is an understatement. I dunno, I got so swamped under work that I just gave in and stopped living for a month or two.
I really hoped that I am good and that I definitely don't need my medication again. So that's what I did. I stopped everything, and it was good. I slept, I had good dreams and I was laughing but then like an imploding hydrogen bomb, I exploded. It started small, the agitation, followed by a nightmare, which grew into night terrors and ultimately staring at the pills I still had left, which obviously lead to me glaring at the ultimate old friend, the blade. The knife and me thinking how it will feel to draw blood again, I mean it's been close to 3 years since my last self harm relapse but I couldn't help and think that obviously now I have learned a lot more, I'll know how to hide it better, to not get caught again. In the end I looked the other way and pushed it down, deep down, locked the demon away, but he is there, lingering. Oh I know. I know him to well.
Crawling under my skin, biting at the nerves. So I had no choice, I reached out to my psychiatrist, we chatted, and mutually we agreed for me to go back onto meds, a baseline to keep the demon locked in his cage, like add extra locks and warding. Well that was a month ago and I am back on Limictin. Like old times, today I went up with my dosage but it won't hold him, it won't exorcise him. He just gets deeper into the hole, but I can feel him starting to crawl out and I mean by now I should have known the feelings, the landmarks or more like landmines.
It starts slow, the insomnia creeps back, the nightmares gets worse, the feeling gets more intense and ultimately the paranoia kicks in. "No one loves me, everyone is hiding something from me."
I fall back into old habits and that is where we are currently. It's just past 2am. And I am here, on this journal, writing at 2am and listening to songs I shouldn't be listening to.
But the thing is, I can finally pinpoint the demon; my family. Everytime that I am at this house for a period, especially between gigs, it gets the worse.
Like I said I went up with dosage today and the doctor really recommended that I start journaling daily, even more then twice a day. Anything that bothers me, I must just let it out.
So here we go, back to journaling.
This is honestly not how I feel.
I think this is more accurate.
My soul being sucked out. But anyway. Doctors orders. Journaling and tracking my moods, emotions and meds tracker. So let the games begin.
