[thoughtkick]

I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. You’re all locked up in that little world of yours, and when I try knocking on the door, you just sort of look up for a second and go right back inside.

Haruki Murakami (via thoughtkick)

[tellherium]

I didn't deserve it. I know that now. I knew it then. I guess it's partly my fault, too. Neither of us treated me like someone we loved.

[simplymarge-deactivated20231225]

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

#personal

[thoughtkick]

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that l’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love.”

— Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun

[inkskinned]

you didn't say sorry, not really. you said sorry only when i pushed about it, you said it like an afterthought, like - oh fine, if this is what you want. the apology was already tearing itself apart in the air. you said sorry, but you caused this. you said sorry you feel that way, i guess. you said: what else do you want me to say? you've already made up your mind to be angry about this.

you've moved on since then. i hope you found a therapist. i am stuck with all of the hurt you caused but - you've been working on yourself, on your multiple projects, on that beautiful life you live. happy - you look happier, lighter, free of all of it. you take artsy videos of yourself dancing; caption it - a friend recently abandoned me.

nobody else knows how hard you pushed. nobody else knows what you did. i am sure you tell everyone a version of the truth that makes out the best of you; turns me into a cold unfeeling bitch who just "doesn't understand" you. i am sure you leave out all the ways i gave you myself, over and over, for years. how many times before this you hurt me, crossed my boundaries, laid me bare - what you say to them about when i finally drew the line is - she is just being unfair.

sometimes i feel insane about it. i have to text my best friend, make sure that what-i-think-happened actually-happened. to double-check that i wasn't being a bad person. maybe i'm misremembering it. she often has to guide me back to the same two facts: beyond what any one person could reasonably expect, i gave you everything, and you still wanted more of it.

it makes me angry, when it doesn't make me sick. i force myself to journal about it. how fucked up it makes me, knowing your narrative will be the one that sticks - knowing you are out there, right now, making sure everyone listens. telling them how you are being targeted. how you, hurting me on purpose, making me feel small, ignoring my needs - how that was really my fault, in the end.

yesterday you made a post on instagram talking about how you used to feel guilty about something that had gone wrong in a relationship, but that you've freed yourself from those toxic idealisms. you said: i am not giving her the power to make me feel bad about my mistakes. i am just a human person - it's up to her if she wants to be the bigger person and actually forgive.

and i just sat there and thought: you haven't even actually apologized for it.

[uuunstable]

“I always take every ounce of fake love that I can get and I hold onto it. I relive it to make it last longer. I don’t know what it’s like to experience real love, so when I get a taste of fake love, I prentend it’s real in the hope that it will minimize my suffering just for a moment.”

— share some fake love (06/09/21; 12:23 pm)

[thoughtkick]

“People grow apart, and sometimes, there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

— Jay Asher

[thehopefulquotes]

“When someone leaves you once, you expect it to happen again. Eventually you stop getting close enough to people to let them become important to you, because then you don’t notice when they drop off your world.”

— Jodi Picoult (via quotefeeling)

[mymidnightthoughtsblog]

"This is what I like about photographs. They’re proof that once, even if just for a heartbeat, everything was perfect."

Unknown

[uuunstable]

“I blamed myself for a long time thinking I was the thing that wasn’t enough but I realize the only thing that wasn’t enough was his feelings for me. He cared about me, but not enough to stop him from hurting me. He appreciated me, but not enough to make him grateful to have me. He loved me, but not enough to make him stay with me. But me? I was always enough. I was worthy of being cared for, appreciated, and loved. And it is not my fault that he left.”

— a text i sent to my best friends after he left me (01/22/2021)

[i-knew-youd-kill-me-one-day]

It's not that I don't wanna talk about it. I just don't wanna trust anybody anymore."

3/10/21 8:59pm

[theguillotinequeen]

Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again

HOMER, THE ILIAD.

[healerorkiller]

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together”

[radiantquotes]

“You are so much more than the people who couldn’t love you enough to stay. What is meant for you will always find you. Always.”

[thehopefulquotes]

“Is it possible, in the final analysis, for one human being to achieve perfect understanding of another? We can invest enormous time and energy in serious efforts to know another person, but in the end, how close can we come to that person’s essence? We convince ourselves that we know the other person well, but do we really know anything important about anyone?”

— Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (via meineluft)

[vomitingwords]

"You know," she began, "it's funny that I've been exhausting myself by running away from reality." she took a deep breath and said, "but every time I run, I always ended up facing it instead."

We'll get through it // ma.c.a

[place-2-vent]

“It scares me to love someone so completely, and not have them love you back.”

-you