Is this Love....? What has it done to me...
This is a random vomit of feelings that I have blooming inside of me.
I have always been the independent type of person. The one who believes she does not need anyone...that she can handle the world by herself. I believed I was Wonder Women, that I did not need no one else, let alone a boy. Growing up with this mindset set me apart from a lot of my peers. I mean.. I’ve always been envious of those who were in relationship. I would think about how much I would love to have that, to have that significant other to lean on when I need it the most....yet in the same breath needing someone like that scared me.
Growing up around relationships constantly failing in every aspect of the word did something to my idea of love. I believe Love exists, yet I believe that Love is rare. People who you say you love, or love you, could turn on you easily if given the proper chance. That is in the subconscious mind whenever talking to boys or when I would grow feelings for a certain someone. I felt like I wanted a relationship but mentally I was not prepared for the idea of needing someone and loving someone other than my family, I think.
But its confusing because I love Love. I love seeing love actually work out and people being genuinely happy with themselves and others. Seeing other people happy makes me happy, that is just who I am. I am used to helping others and being there for others I guess being there for myself is the hardest thing to do.
Anyways, Love. I believe in it but I guess I have doubts about it. I have seen people lose themselves in relationships. I used to think that it was unhealthy, but is it really or is natural? I say this all to say, I am in love. I am in love, or at least I think I am. I love this man and I do not know what to think about it. He makes me feel vulnerable, makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel loved. All these things scare me. The thought of being needy, raw, and open for someone is like all my defenses are down. Like I am exposed and I do not like that. I hate feeling emotional, when my whole life I was strong, not only for myself but my family.
I had always had problems with my image and he changes that for me, he makes me feel beautiful. But that makes me scared. Scared that I am growing in a way that I am not used to...Do you ever feel so comfortable in the sadness and pity space you created for yourself that any thought of leaving it makes you scared? That is me. I know change is good, especially in this aspect but what if I am not ready….Lets be honest… who cares? I know I need this, I guess this is being stubborn to change.
The feeling of love, or being loved is something I cannot explain. I do not want to say growing up I lacked the love from my family. But most of it was transnational… like they loved you but for a price. But with him….he loves me unconditionally. He loves my flaws, my quirks just everything about me. How do I know this..? Because the way he looks at me, he tells me he loves me every chance he gets and he showers me with love and affection. He never fails to tell me how he really feels, he never holds back criticism ( the good kind) because he wants me to become the best version of myself...that I admire.
All these things that scare me, I know are going to help me. Relationships are supposed to be complementary , they are supposed to help you become yourself. He does that for me, he creates this space for me to grow into and I just do not know what to say. I think I found the love of my life, I know that it may be to soon but this love has open a part of me that is unknown, it is scary and imitating but I am ready for it.
janainaart
snowghoul
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
annaxmalina
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
germansingergirl
