my biggest depression mood is googling ‘very depressed’ hoping that google will magically be able to tell me something I don’t already know and save me
Tahani: Some reporter asks Kamilah about her sister’s tragic death, expecting some profound and brilliant answer only to find that she is almost entirely apathetic. And boy, do people build their heroes up so they can tear them down. She goes down hard as a heartless monster. Her parents try to backtrack for her and throw Tahani a grand funeral. It’s going well until they show a pathetically short tribute video. The first reporter question they get is “why did you have hours of footage and memorabilia for one daughters documentary, but barely 15 for the others funeral?” Karma comes for them as well.
Eleanor: Since her dad is dead, it’s really only her mom and few terrible roommates who now call themselves “Eleanor’s Closest Friend” who show up to her funeral and more importantly her last will and testament reading. They discover that entirely out of spite, Eleanor left everything to her local Popeyes because the owner would occasionally give her extra fried shrimp. He uses her money to expand his business and put his kids through college. They thank the mysterious Eleanor Shellstrop at every graduation.
Jason: Pillboi sues the safe company after Jason’s suffocation and gets enough money to restart their dance crew.
Chidi: Since he is no longer bothering everybody with his toxic indecision, they can finally appreciate his work. Everyone loves a trouble genius who died too soon. His cowboy boot wearing colleague actually edits his treatise and published it. It sells very well and the school names the philosophy building after him.
FAQs, My Experiences with Vaginismus, and My Experiences with Sex 2 Years On.
Hello everyone. My name is Briony. If you have been in the Vaginismus community for a while you might remember me from a couple of years ago, when I was thick in the treatment and recovery.
I recently reopened my Tumblr to find 150(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) unread messages from people asking me about my experiences, what worked for me, what didn’t work for me, how I am now... A lot of people are scared, concerned, upset, embarrassed, angry, low; and I get it. All of those reactions are completely valid, you are completely valid, and I support you.
Here is a rundown of all of the questions I get asked most frequently. I want to point out that I am not an expert. These are my experiences. I overcame Vaginismus after 8 months of knowing about it and 4 months of treatment. For some people it takes a week, for others it takes a year, and for some recovery never comes. Whatever, you are still valid. You are not defined by your vagina, and you are definitely not defined by what you can and can’t fit inside of it.
Here are the contents;
When Did You Realise You Had Vaginismus?
What Were Your First Steps?
Did The Therapist Help?
What Helped The Most?
How Are You Now?
On with the show!
1. When Did You Realise You Had Vaginismus?
I first found out about my Vaginismus when I was 16, and first tried to have sex with my then-boyfriend T. I desperately did not want to have sex, as the media told me that it would a bloody, painful, scarring and ‘tearing’ experience. (This, obviously, is not true. Not in the slightest. It’s only painful if you don’t prepare properly, with plenty of lube and of course sexual arousal).
I quickly realised that something was very wrong when I was in an immense amount of pain, seemingly ‘just from the tip’. It felt like his penis was hitting a literal brick wall. It was unbearable, and from there things just got worse. I didn’t want to have sex, and I felt very uncomfortable and unhappy whenever his parents would leave town, as that’s when we would try. It gave me a lot of anxiety and that was when I spoke to my parents.
It took about a year and a half from when I first realised something was wrong to being ‘cured’.
2. What Were Your First Steps?
After talking to my parents, I was taken to my GP. She was useless. GPs often are, as this is not something they are taught about at med school. Luckily, my mum had a nurse friend who read up on it and gave me some info. I was quickly taken to a gyno, who checked me over. She touched my inner thighs and tummy to make sure that the pain was localised to my vagina, and then gave everything a check over. There was nothing physically wrong with my vagina - I just(!) had vaginismus. I was referred to a specialist in Oxford, who prescribed me with dilators and referred me to a sexual therapist.
3. Was the Sexual Therapist Helpful?
Yes and No.
Luckily, my parents were on hand to help 17 year old me with the medical bills. Not everyone is that lucky, I 100% understand that. I am incredibly grateful that they could do this for me. But. I didn’t find the sexual therapist 100% necessary.
What We Covered.
The sexual therapist and I talked about my relationship with sex, with T, and with myself. We went over my anxieties, depression, my history, bullying, my ideas of sex, etc etc. We then moved on to the more practical things. These were the main things we covered;
Intimacy tasks with my boyfriend. Basically, we would set a timer for a set amount of time (I believe it was around 12 minutes). We would shut the curtains, turn the lights off, and turn off our phones. In the 12 minutes, one of us would lie naked on the bed, and the other would touch them, all over. Gentle strokes, caresses, just getting used to each other’s bodies. For the first time, we did not touch each other’s genitals. The second time, we could touch each others chests/butts/thighs. The third time, we could touch genitals, but in a non-sexual way. If one of us got turned on, we had to move away from the genitals and focus on somewhere else.
Dilator tasks that I performed by myself. Through the NHS, I received a free set of dilators. Dilators are a set of five different sized plastic tubes; basically dildos. They range in size, with a very small one to quite a big one. From everyone I have spoken to, the biggest one isn’t really necessary, and is bigger than the average penis. So please don’t be intimidated by it. She taught me how to use them.
Kegel tasks. Learning to control your kegel muscles, and relaxing and tensing whilst using dilators.
4. What Helped The Most?
Dilators.
Guided Meditation.
LUBE.
Privacy.
Patience & Community.
1. Dilators, Guided Meditation. The dilators were by far the most helpful in my recovery. By far. As I said, I got them free on the NHS, but I know not everyone is that lucky. You can also use your fingers.
There is a post on how to use dilators here.
This is a post on how to use guided meditation techniques whilst using dilators; here.
1.1. Lube. Lube, lube, lube. Use a water-based lube and use it OFTEN. On your dilators. Whilst exploring your vagina. Whilst with your boyfriend. ALL THE TIME. I got through so many bottles of lube and it was great. You’re going to be tense and nervous and your body isn’t going to be producing as much lubricant as it perhaps should. LUBE IS YOUR FRIEND. (To be honest, I think everyone should use lube, even if they don’t have vaginismus. It’s great and makes sex feel a lot better).
2. Privacy. You must have privacy. You must be able to explore your body and use dilators without fear of being interrupted. You must have a lock, or at least family members who won’t interrupt you. If you can’t find this in a bedroom, you may need to schedule a daily bath time to get things done. It’s very important that you feel safe and secure.
4. Patience & Community. I wouldn’t have overcome this without the patience of my family and my own patience with myself. I couldn’t have done this without the community on Tumblr. Vaginismus is lonely. Very few GPs understand, let alone friends or family. These people on tumblr are your sisters and your brothers, your friends; they have your back. They love you. They want you to feel good about yourself and to feel good in your body. Rely on them. Lean on them. They’ve got your back. and so have I. <3
5. How are you Now?
I realised quite quickly that a lot of my issues with sex stemmed from me not wanting to have sex with my then-partner, T. He was incredibly abusive, and although I was too love struck to realise it at the time, my body wasn’t and it did not want to have sex with him. I always struggled with tampons, but had been fingered by an ex before with no issue. T was a big issue for me.
Luckily, I am now with a new guy (... also called T, I’m afraid)... I love him very much, and we live together. He taught me what real love is, not selfish, controlling love.
I still have issues with my vagina, occasionally. I probably always will. Every time I use a tampon it takes me a couple of goes, when most people can insert them with ease. There are still nights where I am so deathly scared that T won’t fit and it will all begin again. But I am, mostly, at peace. I am able to have sex, use tampons, and go for my checkups. Perhaps, one day, vaginismus will flare back up (it’s not unknown for it to reoccur), but for now... It’s all okay.
6. Useful Links.
Posts That Inspire Me
Acceptance - @mylifewithvaginismus.
Daily Reminder - @the-vaginismus-life.
Does It Ever Go Away? - @vaginismusandsexuality
Meditation Techniques
For Deep Relaxation
Breathing
Exercise
Good Posts/Videos/Books
What’s Wrong with my Vagina?
PAINFUL SEX?
Woman’s Experience of Sex (Book)
Vaginismus: Symptoms, Causes and Treatment.
Disclaimer: I am not an expert. I have no training on this subject, besides what I was told by my therapist. This is my own personal experience. Your value is not determined by your vagina, or what you can or can’t fit inside of it. I love you.
The biggest thing that helped me with vaginismus was using a set of 5 dilators. Dilators usually come in sets of four or five, and are plastic tubes (basically dildos). The smallest dilator will usually be around the size of one of your fingers, with the largest being quite big - the general consensus is that the biggest dilator usually isn’t necessary, especially when in a set of 5.
If you are in the UK, you might be able to get dilators for free on the NHS, if you are given a diagnosis. If you are in the US/Canada/anywhere else in the world, you will have to ask your insurance or pay for them outright; I’m not sure how that kind of thing works, so if anyone has any insight please share.
Starting with the tiniest, teeniest little dilator, apply some water-based lubricant to the tip. Set aside twenty minutes every day for this, and make sure you are relaxed. Take a bath. Close the curtains, lock your door. You need privacy and you need time to relax and to just be with yourself. Lie on your back, slightly elevated, and bend your knees. It might help to have a mirror, so you know exactly what’s going on. Once you are in a calm and safe environment, carefully push the smallest dilator inside of you. Breathe, in and out. Push until you feel slight tension or pain and then stop. Angle the dilator towards your lower back. Do not push it in or out, hold it steady and apply pressure. If you can manage it, keep the dilator inside of you for 20 minutes. Once you get used to it, you will be able to do other stuff whilst holding it inside of you, like watching TV or homework.
Do this every day until you feel ready to move on to the next dilator. Don’t be upset if you find yourself ‘regressing’ - these things take time and patience, and you might find yourself swapping between number 1 and number 3 quite frequently.
The biggest thing that helped me with my dilators was following along with guided meditations whilst they were inside of me. I made a post about this here. Another thing that helps is doing kegel exercises whilst it is inside of you. This teaches you just what your body is capable of, and it helps you to realise that you do have control of the muscles, and you can make them do exactly what you say.
As I said, these are my personal experiences. Others might have done things differently. Please consult a professional before doing anything big, and please ask around. The community on Tumblr is wonderful and are here for you. We all love you! Keep at it.
I’m doing a big text post on how I overcame vaginismus and reading back on posts about my abusive ex boyfriend and how hopelessly in love with him/blind I was is making me ill.
I have Vaginismus too and I know what you're going through. I feel like such a failure as a woman/girlfriend sometimes. I know it's going to get better one day for both of us. Hang in there. You're one of my hero's <3
I am so, so sorry for not being present on this tumblr. It’s been a wild few years - I broke up with an abusive ex, met a new guy and moved in with him! I changed degrees at University and am now in my final year. :)
I am still more than happy to talk about Vaginismus with anyone who needs it. Drop me a message! I will try and be more active.
Dilation therapy had minimal effects for me. Between valium, lidocaine cream, cialis, viagra, and a testosterone suppliment I had tried every medication under the sun, on and off label usage. I was also clinically depressed so all during that time I was on multiple anti-depressants to figure out which one worked best for me. To say it was a dark time for me is an understatement.
I had the botox injections done. I waited the 2 weeks after as instructed by my doctor. Nothing improved. I told my doctor this and he suggested another round, this time doubling the amount of botox, which also meant double the money. We just bought our house, extra money was not just laying around.
But in that moment of failed sex and feeling like utter shit…there was also a moment of relief that helped me lead to my own rediscovery of asexuality. I was relieved that I had literally tried everything and now that this didn’t work….I am free from sexual oblgation. Now, in a nanosecond of thinking that I started hating myself for even being that honest with myself. But the thought was there, I am free. I checked off everything on the list, I can say I did it all, I can be left alone now.
Once I accepted who I was, only then did I start caring for myself.
Well that was my midnight ramble
Hope that made sense to someone lol
stop giving people who aren’t worthy of your time + energy multiple chances just because you’re nostalgic for how good things used to be and move on from the situation because you’re only doing yourself a disservice and making the person who is negatively impacting your life comfortable with how they treat you
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