You’re thinking ‘Aves this is not a reblog! This is a tumblr blog post!’ It’s my tumblr and I get to choose the content >:c
The content is me being sad ANYWAYS (tw for transphobia and mental stuffs)
I just cried, like a whole bunch. I’m a trans woman; been at it for almost 16 months now; and, living in the Bible Belt and all, I’m pretty used to shrugging things off. The occasional malicious misgender, my father never once getting it right and still treating me like his son even though he knows how I feel, the every once in awhile harassment, the bad dysphoria days, and non-trans related stress like money problems- though even then, I gotta be able to pay for my hrt
I’m not too great at processing things still. I can actually cry now, at least, but god sometimes everything gets me. This place sucks. Aside from my very lovely long distance partner, and a group I see every once in awhile on Mondays, I am very very alone as a trans woman around here. Even if there’s some I’ve met, and didn’t know, they are (very understandably given living in the southern US) not visible or open. It’s a constant of tiny little stressors, y’know?
How do I do this? I feel fine most days, but then there’s those moments, especially with the aforementioned group, my partner, where I just… feel *safe.* Really and truly safe. And then I go back out, continue living life, and it always crashes back down on me that I’m simply not at any given point otherwise. People around here, even friendly, aren’t always safe.
I wish I could just- do what I used to, and not worry about everything like that all the time- but in multiple ways, I literally can’t afford to, and sometimes, crying out my stress makes me feel better than just, I dunno, pretending it isn’t there at all. Even the nicest of cis people have expected me to be bigger, to explain everything of me to them, even my most vulnerable and private thoughts and feelings, and just-
I dunno. I’d like to live somewhere one day, hopefully, where people see me as me, and not some walking and talking political idea, or porn category, or traumatized mental patient. I always feel so incredibly hurt by things sometimes, and I’m always told to calm down. Grow up. Move past it.
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