I Create Myself

[vcrtexed]

#vcrtexed.   independent . private . highly selective . rose tyler of DOCTOR WHO . heavily headcanon based. rtd critical. moffat who? EST 2010

PLEASE READ ALL RULES BEFORE FOLLOWING .

// 𝗔 𝗦𝗧𝗨𝗗𝗬 𝗜𝗡 :: burning constellations , fractured timelines , bad wolf whispers , loving a god , parallel worlds , the girl who ran , the universe unraveling at her feet , a name scattered through time , salvation wrapped in human skin , stars in her veins .

DNI FOUND HERE DUE TO STALKING AND HARASSMENT mox . 30+ . est 2010 . please read all rules before following . memes [ mutuals only ]!!

also found at : @absclutio , @anticristvs , @la1cized , @scarbound , @phan7asma

[vcrtexed]

rose's drafts are done and posted ! poke me if i missed any . i'll circle back around for inbox stuff . bouncing over to @phan7asma to get his done <3

[perpetval]

One could describe it as a practiced DANCE the way the pair so easily fall into perfect rhythm with their aftercare routine, Perpetua quickly replacing the sheets with fresh ones from a small storage closet in the suite and Rose slipping away to get a much-needed hot bath running. After making the bed as neatly as if it hadn't ever seen the messy, beautiful ENTANGLEMENT of their limbs just minutes ago, they join their lover in the bathroom with a couple of fluffy robes ready for them to put on once they're both clean and dry. Even if it wasn't that far of a journey back to the warmth of the bed, no one would catch Perpetua neglecting any second of their partner's comfort.

Catching a glimpse of themselves in the full length mirror the antipope pauses to take in the sight of their body. Not just the notable smudges of lipstick and hickeys that Rose had left trails of on their skin, but the CURVES of their breasts, hips, and thighs. Softness where there was previously a lack thereof years ago. All the subtle and not-so-subtle changes that have gradually appeared after they got onto HRT. It all brings a smile to her face, a proud surge of euphoria that only adds to the pleasantness of the post-orgasm haze that was clouding in her head. It was still strange to finally be able to look at themselves completely bare like this and not feel ASHAMED anymore, to not feel like a significant part of them was missing, but to instead be thoroughly loved and desired both body and soul by another. They now could understand exactly why they were DESIRED and gained attention from complete strangers. Vanity had never been one of their sins while being a part of God's church, but Perpetua held no qualms with such a thing now. Why shouldn't she give a little love to herself?

The water is a PERFECT temperature, welcoming them in as they slide behind Rose's naked form and begin to massage at her shoulders. The Fifth can feel the release of their lover's muscle tension underneath the gentle pressure of their fingers, moving to a different spot to diligently do the same. " You think so? I'm not so sure I'd enjoy doing this to someone who isn't you, starlight. Besides, when it becomes work it takes the fun out of it. " Perpetua chuckles, stealing a quick kiss to the top of her head when she leans back in their arms to look them in the eye, their own mismatched gaze filled with UNDENIABLE adoration. " Well, hello to you too, sugar. Come here often? " They intentionally lay their Southern accent on thick, practically grinning from ear to ear as they playfully cup Rose's breasts in their hands. After giving them a few soft squeezes, the antipope snickers under her breath and instead reaches over to take the bottle of shampoo Rose uses, getting an adequate amount in her hands before they start to affectionately wash her scalp and blonde strands.

[vcrtexed]

                  SHE  HAS  WATCHED  AS  PERPETUA’S  confidence  has  grown .  as  they  came  into  the  body  they’d  wanted ,  the  body  they’d  fought  for .  and  seeing  them  find  beauty  in  the  mirror  makes  her  heart  soar .  she  still  remembers  the  anxiety  the  first  time  she  had  been  allowed  to  see  the  scar  behind  the  mask ,  the  first  time  she  had  traced  the  lines  and  reminded  perpetua  that  scars  are  stories  and  that  theirs  led  them  to  her .  so  much  has  changed  since  then .  everything  has  become  something  rose  believes  in ,  something  she  feels  as  though  SHE  DESERVES .  she’s  found  herself ,  too .

there  had  been  a  time  in  the  beginning  that  she  was  sure  there  would  be  a  quiet  end  to  whatever  it  was  they  had .  a  fear  that  it  was  nothing  but  a  fling  because  of  the  proximity  they  both  were  to  lucifer ,  a  relationship  of  convenience .  but  it  had  quickly  become  apparent  that  there  was  so  much  more  between  them .  there  had  been  a  thread  tying  them  together  over  universes  and  dimensions ,  time  and  space ,  and  it  had  brought  her  to  EXACTLY  WHERE  SHE  WAS  SUPPOSED  TO  BE .

in  moments  like  these ,  where  the  quiet  hangs  comfortably  as  she  watches  the  movements  of  her  partner ,  she’s  reminded  of  everything  she’s  been  through  to  get  to  this  moment …  and  has  found  all  of  it  to  be  worth  it  to  make  it  here  to  be  in  perpetua’s  arms .  eyes  are  full  of  affection  at  even  the  smallest  gesture ,  convinced  that  she  falls  more  in  love  with  them  every  second .  how  had  she  been  so  lucky  to  deserve  a  partner  WHO  TOOK  SUCH  CARE  OF  HER ?  there  is  always  safety  in  their  arms ,  somewhere  to  hide  and  somewhere  to  thrive .  she  could  make  a  home  against  their  chest  and  would  be  completely  content  to  live  there  for  the  rest  of  forever . 

“ you’re  right …  i  might  get  a  little  jealous  if  anyone  else  got  to  feel  these  hands  like  this .  your  talent  is  gonna  be  our  little  secret . “  once  she’s  leaned  back  against  their  chest ,  looking  up  at  them ,  she  can’t  help  but  giggle  at  the  thickness  of  their  southern  accent .  maybe  it’s  dumb …  but  there’s  something  about  THE  WAY  THEIR  VOICE  sounds  in  that  drawl  that  gives  her  butterflies .  it  had  the  first  time  she’d  heard  it  and  it  had  never  stopped .  the  giggle  grows  into  bright  laughter  as  the  other  cups  and  squeezes  her  breasts ,  nose  crinkling  and  eyes  rolling  playfully .  “ you  are  such  a  child  sometimes . “  the  statement  is  more  endearing  than  anything  else .  she  shifts ,  settling  herself  so  that  her  hair  is  accessible ,  humming  softly  as  fingers  massage  her  scalp .  “ y’know …  i’ve  ALWAYS  LOVED  YOUR  HANDS ,  but  you  always  find  a  way  to  make  another  reason .  ten  talented  fingers .  aren’t  i  a  lucky  girl ? “

[soulprompts]

“𝙄  𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀  𝙔𝙊𝙐"  𝙋𝙍𝙊𝙈𝙋𝙏𝙎.  (𝙎𝙁𝙒 𝙑𝙀𝙍𝙎𝙄𝙊𝙉.)

idk how to describe the exact thought process that led me to this idea, but basically i was watching a tonne of ins.tagram videos and i think i had hit the fourth video in a row using that interview where it’s like “love ya, bye.” “love ya…………..PFFT–” and i was like. in a way, that’s actually completely adorable, and i was thinking about all the different ways and contexts in which people say “i love you”, and now i’m here to make it everyone else’s problem! so bon appetit! DO NOT ADD TO THIS LIST!! i will add to it in the future!! i will also be making a second list which is virtually identical, but there are two additional prompts that are not suitable for young eyes, so here u go, here’s a sfw version, and remember, if you add to the list i will curse ur shoes to be squeaky 24/7. so just don’t add anything to the list, okay my loves? okay. enjoy!

[  FIRST  ]:     sender tells the receiver “i love you” for the first time.

[  PHONE  ]:     during a phone call with the receiver, sender absently tells them “i love you” for the first time before hanging up.

[  MOUTH  ]:     while standing across a crowded room from one another, sender catches the receiver’s eye and mouths “i love you” to them.

[  WEDDING  ]:     as they prepare to exchange wedding vows, sender gazes at the receiver and says “i love you” for the last time as an unmarried couple.

[  HEAT  ]:     while engaged in a passionate argument with one another, sender, in the heat of the moment, blurts out “i love you!” to the receiver. ( think of like, that glorious trope where people have a huge argument and then suddenly sb drops the mic with “because i’m in love with you!” and silences the other person. u know the trope! )

[  SLOW  ]:     after resisting their feelings for one another for a very long time, sender finally breaks down and reveals to the receiver that they love them.

[  SAVED  ]:    having believed they were both about to die, the sender says “i love you” to the receiver, only for both of them to be spared at the last minute and left to process the not-so-final last words of the sender.

[  OVERHEARD  ]:     sender reveals that they’re in love with the receiver to a third party, not realizing that the receiver, while out of sight, has just overheard the confession.

[  CHOOSE  ]:     sender, realizing the receiver is about to make a huge life-changing decision (literally anything, accepting a job offer, accepting a marriage proposal, leaving the country, ANYTHING!) tells the receiver that they’re in love with them, leaving them to choose between the sender and their original path.

[  DECISION  ]:     sender finds the receiver just as they’re about to make a massive decision that will have massive consequences for the fate of many people, possibly the world. accepting their fate, sender allows the receiver to continue, telling them that they love them, and then waiting to see whether the receiver choose to save the world, or destroy it.  (for the hero/villain vibes bc we STAN THOSE VIBES! )

[  LAST  ]:     believing it to be their last chance to confess their feelings for the receiver, the sender tells them that they love them.

[  ASK  ]:     immediately after saying “i love you” to the receiver for the first time, the sender proceeds to propose to them.

[  BEDSIDE  ]:     while sitting by the sick/injured/unconscious receiver’s bedside, sender reveals that they’re in love with them, unaware that the receiver is able to hear this revelation.

[  TEXT  ]:      before concluding a text conversation, the sender delivers one more text to the receiver, reading “i love you”, before ending the conversation.

[  SACRIFICE  ]:     just before putting their own life in danger to protect, save, or help the receiver, the sender tells them that they love them, and then proceeds to risk their life in an intentional self-sacrificing way.

[  BATTLE  ]:     as they prepare to go on a dangerous mission, sender shares a final moment with the receiver, and tells them they love them, just as they head out to fight.

[  TRACE  ]:     sender, believing the receiver to be asleep, gently traces the message “i love you” on the receiver’s bare skin with their finger.

[  LETTER  ]:     sender delivers a letter to the receiver that reveals their deep love for the receiver.

[  PRIVATE  ]:     sender confesses their love for the receiver by using a private joke or shared story that only the two of them know.  ( example: “remember the day we went fishing on the lake and you fell into the water because you thought that leaf was a sharkfin? that was the day i knew i loved you.”  )

[  NOTE  ]:     on their way out of the house, sender leaves a small note for the receiver to read when they wake up, reading “i love you”.

[  UNSPOKEN  ]:     after a third party (or the receiver themselves) asks if the sender is in love with the receiver, the sender goes silent, unwittingly admitting that they do love them in the process.

[  KISS  ]:     unable to find the right words to express how much they love the receiver, the sender impulsively catches them and pulls them in for a passionate, deep kiss.

[  RAIN  ]:     sender reveals their love for the receiver while they’re both standing outside in the pouring rain.

[  HUSH  ]:     sender whispers “i love you” to the receiver while they’re both in a situation or context where they need to be quiet.

[  UNCERTAIN  ]:     while pretending/acting/undercover, the sender says “i love you” to the receiver, but whether they meant it or not is left unknown.

[  DANCING  ]:     as they slow-dance together, the sender takes the opportunity to lean in close to the receiver and tell them that they love them.

[  QUIET  ]:     on a cozy night in with the receiver, as they curl up together on the sofa/in bed, the sender says “i love you” to them.

[  RELIEF  ]:     upon reuniting with the receiver, whom the sender briefly believed to be dead, the sender emotionally embraces them, and says “i love you” in the spur of the moment.

[  LAUGH  ]:     while laughing at a joke/prank/story that the receiver is humorously displaying, the sender fondly tells them that they love them.

[  OVER?  ]:     after a mutually reluctant (and unwanted but necessary) break-up, the sender calls/visits the receiver and tells them that they’re still in love with them.

[  VOICEMAIL  ]:     sender leaves a voicemail on the receiver’s phone after failing to get through to them, and reveals their love for them.

[  ASLEEP  ]:     sender, having climbed into bed to cuddle the receiver (who they believe to be asleep), tells them that they love them.

[  INCOHERENT  ]:     while sick/feverish/intoxicated/otherwise incoherent, the sender tells the receiver that they love them, leaving the receiver to figure out if they meant it or not.

[  TRUST  ]:      faced with an incredibly risky situation, the sender decides to accept whatever plan the receiver decides on, trusting them with both of their lives and telling them they love them in the process.

[rebelscumlordvader]

[superdelusional]

[magusanima]

From the little he'd traveled with the woman, he can tell that she seems seasoned beyond her years. She holds a wisdom and a maturity that he can relate to, but there is also that eternal curiosity. He hopes he does not lose such precious things in his journey. He hopes the wide world of Thedas- if there is to be one past this Blight- keeps him curious for all his years.

It is good, to travel alongside a kindred spirit. Not that his companions had been otherwise, but they had had their quarrels, their absolutes. Rose had hers as well, of course...but there was something different about how they could talk so freely, almost as scholars did.

And yet the question of the eve had been of love, and how he would accept it; embrace it. It wasn't as if he hadn't wanted to. For all the novels he'd poured over in his youth, he'd dreamed of having his own fairytale; his own story. He had the beginnings of a story, he supposed, but it was allowing himself to make time...to consider himself worthy of such a thing that pressed him. How could he compare himself to heroes in tall tales? He could not. They were tales for a reason, as no one could climb so high.

And many were human besides, for elves tended to avoid taking their tales to the pen. Perhaps the circle had not minded his origins, but the wider world loved to bare its teeth.

At her words, he leans his head against his tucked in legs, his eyes flicking to the fire between them. "I believe you, I do...I only wish I could allow myself to take that leap. It is so terrifying, you know?" A mirthless chuckle escapes the elf, because it was so very easy to fall into others in the Circle, when nothing was serious, but now...feeling something as serious as he had...it was terrifying. It made him feel so young and naive...and perhaps he was but...

"...tell me, my lady...do you recall the first time you fell in love?"

[vcrtexed]

                  HOW  LONG  HAS  IT  BEEN  SINCE  SHE’S  spoken  of  the  doctor  in  any  way ?  he  had  been  so  much  of  her  life  for  so  long  and  yet  she  pretends  that  he  had  never  existed ,  that  he  isn’t  the  reason  for  her  presence  here .  leaving  her  with  a   broken  clone  of  himself  and  a  tardis  that  barely  worked .  how  could  she  have  known  that  a  freshly  grown  box  would  need  more  time  before  it  could  truly  travel  the  stars ?  so  here  she  is ,  trapped  in  a  world  that  isn’t  hers  because  of  a  man  she  had  been  SO  DESPERATE  TO  FOLLOW .  how  many  more  times  could  he  let  her  down  before  she  stopped  trying  to  remember  the  good  in  him ?

she  had  sworn  to  herself  that  she  would  never  get  attached  to  a  traveling  companion  again .  that  she  had  learned  her  lesson  when  she’d  been  left  in  a  different  dimension  on  a  shore  that  felt  as  though  it  became  her  grave .  so  many  days ,  so  many  nights  spent  SAT  ON  THE  EDGE  of  the  sea ,  hoping  that  it  was  a  dream ,  praying  that  he  would  come  back  for  her .  and  even  when  she  had  found  him …  he’d  left  her  all  over  again  with  a  broken  copy  made  from  a  regenerated  hand .

but  even  the  hardest  of  hearts  eventually  gets  lonely .  and  even  the  most  determined  mind  can  find  an  excuse  for  attachment  when  there’s  someone  whose  voice  doesn’t  grate  on  your  nerves  and  their  words  don’t  make  you  wish  you  had  found  some  sort  of  academic  instead .  it  had  been  easy  to  agree  to  travel  at  first .  both  heading  the  same  direction ,  BOTH  WITH  NO  QUALMS  about  a  short  companionship .  but  days  had  turned  to  weeks  and  now  she’s  not  even  sure  how  long  they’ve  traveled  together ,  original destination  long  since  fled .

“ love  was  never  meant  to  be  easy .  maybe  after  the  scary  part  in  the  beginning  it  gets  easy …  but  you  have  to  work  at  it  forever  if  you  want  to  keep  it .  it  has  to  be  nurtured  and  even  then ,  sometimes  only  portions  bloom  at  a  time . “  a  soft  smile  at  his  question  as  eyes  turn to  the  ground  and  she  begins  to  draw  circles  into  the  dirt .  “ i  remember  it  well .  i  HOLD  IT  AS  A  CAUTION .  i  fell  in  love  with  a  man  who  claimed  to  love  me .  however ,  he  was  a  bard  who  thought  highly  of  himself  and  refused  to  settle  with  one  woman .  i  found  him  with  what  i  thought  was  a  dear  friend  and  that  was  the  end  of  that .  i  believe  he  was  killed  in  some  battle  or  another  years  ago .  but  i  haven’t  let  that  push  me  to  give  up .  every  time  i’ve  loved  and  lost ,  i’ve  learned . “

[divinehr]

MANY DO NOT VENTURE INTO THE ARCHIVES. it is a rarity that any find themselves surrounded by ancient texts or in the presence of the archivist herself. some venture into such a place as an escape, seeking the silence &&. the solitude to calm troubled thoughts. life outside the quiet scrolls &&. books was, at times, chaotic. but such is life; a time where the unpredictable can occur, the strangest of encounters can flourish, &&. the greatest of grief. that is what it means to be alive, no? to embrace the chaos. though there would always be those seemingly cursed with such lives that one cannot help but feel sorrow, how it weighs on the heart of an ancient soul to see others so troubled.

it is instinct; a nagging whisper in her thoughts telling her to seek out the other. someone who needed guidance, needing comfort in such troubles. however, finding rose was unexpected; the spitfire of the ministry with a fire in her eyes. to see her trembling, breath shaking &&. fractured, it nearly broke her heart. crouching beside her, speaking clearly to soothe, a hand upon the other's shoulder to ground her to the present. it must have been a mother's intuition that brought her there.

a flash of an expression crossed her features. fear, anxiety, shock, she could not name. perhaps a combination of all three. it saddened her heart to hear that the task assigned was a difficult one [ ... ] to see ones so dear die over &&. over until an accurate account is crafted felt cruel, was she not allowed to grieve their deaths? without further heartache? perhaps all heavenly &&. hellish gods were cruel.

❝ does the lord know or express care for how such a task weighs on a heart? how witnessing their deaths will affect you afterwards? ❞ it all spilt before she could capture it, a hint of venom dripping from crimson lips. worrisome nature intact, concerned for the blonde. lips pressed into a thin line, brows pinched together with anxiety coursing through her veins. who was she to argue the will of lucifer? or shield his chosen? ❝ you cannot go for your sake. argue with your lord, he must care for you, lest you would not be his chosen, no? this is unfair &&. cruel. i cannot allow you to strike yourself with grief over the potential of uncovering a clue to their deaths. ❞

[vcrtexed]

                  SHE  HAD  KNOWN  THEM  IN  A  past  life .  had  interacted  with  them .  cared  for  them .  helped  guide  them  towards  what  the  dark  one  desired .  they  had  meant  something  to  her .  and  knowing  that  they  were  just  going  to  be  killed ,  taken  from  her ,  had  already  been  enough  to  hurt ,  had  already  been  enough  to  make  her  question  her  attachment  to  them .  she  would  be  lying  if  she  said  she  hadn't  gone  back  on  her  own  a  time  or  two  just  to  remind  herself  of  their  voices ,  their  smiles ,  their  everything .  missing  them  was …  odd .  but  at  least  she  hadn't  had  to  watch  them  die .  at  least ,  UNTIL  NOW .  and  the  thought  has  her  panicking .  how  long  had  it  been  since  she'd  had  a  panic  attack  over  an  assignment ?  she  hadn't  even  dreaded  causing  the  death  of  sister  imperator  as  much  as  this .

there  isn't  a  way  to  explain  lucifer's  desires  and  thoughts .  he  cares  in  his  own  way .  he  wouldn't  send  her  to  her  death ,  wouldn't  send  her  somewhere  she  couldn't  come  back  from ,  and  would  never  ask  her  to  do  something  that  would  have  her  trapped  in  a  prison  or  otherwise  locked  away .  it  left  her  WITH  NO  STANDING  to  ask  for  other  mercies .  there  was  not  doubt  that  he  was  aware  of  how  much  she  dreaded  this  assignment ,  had  known  before  he'd  even  given  it  to  her .  there's  a  part  of  her  that  believes  it  to  be  a  test ,  but  the  part  of  her  that  knows  lucifer  better  than  most  others  knows  that  he  wants  to  ensure  the  survival  of  the  church  without  worrying  about  another  mass  murder  of  his  chosen  ones .  

“ he's  the  one  who  asked  me  to  get  close  to  them .  i've  befriended  each  of  the  brothers  in  another  life  and  watching  them  die .  i  think  IT  MIGHT  KILL  A  PART  OF  ME . ”  tear  red  eyes  look  up  at  the  other ,  pleading  for  an  excuse  or  a  reason  or  a  way  to  fight  the  job .  “ he  knows  what  this  will  do .  i  argued  to  start  with  and  he  reminded  me  that  i  had  agreed  to  do  whatever  he  asked . ”  the  brand  on  the  back  of  her  shoulder  still  burns  from  the  reminder .  " if  i  go  against  him ,  i'm  not  sure  what  would  happen .  but  i've  made  a  life  here  and  he  could  easily  tear  that  from  me .  he  could  send  me  to  another  world ,  another  time ,  and  i  would  lose  everything  THAT  MATTERS  MOST .

[liftedrelics]

Spider-man's gloved hand is cupping his chin in thought now as the other holds his elbow in a resting position. It's almost as if the eyes of his suit express themselves with curiosity as he ponders what could be in that grave. Was it a danger to anyone? Should they be digging up this grave to get rid of whatever it was? Or does he leave it alone? It's not something he could exactly call the authorities over.

His head tilts in her direction as quick as she comments on it's unknown origin. "Are you saying it's .....alien?"He questions, looking back down at the grave and those cogs begin to turn in his brain again. He isn't really sure what the best course of action would be in a situation like this. Radioactive Alien matter wasn't somethinghe handled on a day to day basis, but it also wasn't something that surprised him in the least.

He looks to her again and then to the blue box that looks like it barely holds the two of them. He's even more curious now about the box, an instant desperate desire to see the inside fuels him with weird excitement. "It's bigger on the inside?!" His voice peaks and snaps, and he even almost giggles like a little girl at the thought. "Are ....you an alien?"

[vcrtexed]

                  TAKING  ON  THE  ROLE  OF  THE  DOCTOR  is  more  consuming  than  she  had  thought  when  she'd  first  started  traveling ,  following  the  pull  of  the  tardis  to  wherever  it  believed  she  was  needed .  she'd  found  that  she  didn't  have  nearly  the  amount  of  knowledge  of  space  politics  and  galactic  rules  that  he  had  and  she  may  have  been  mistaken  in  believing  that  she  could  get  up  to  speed  quickly .  at  least  being  dragged  to  earth  meant  that  she  knew  a  little  more  than  she  would  elsewhere .  didn't  stop  her  from  feeling  like  a  complete  nutter  at  times .  especially  when  she's  trying  to  MAKE  IT  SEEM  LIKE  she  knows  anything  about  radioactivity  and  buried  alien  things .

arms  cross  and  she  gives  another  shrug .  “ i'm  not  saying  that  it's  not  alien . ”  non - commital .  safe .  “ i'm  saying  that  it's  giving  off  something  that  my  tracker  locked  onto  and  i  couldn't  get  it  to  let  go  of  until  i  at  least  landed  here .  so  it's  at  least  something  that  could  be  slightly  problematic  or  EXTREMELY  CURIOUS .  i  never  know  until  i  start  nosing  around .  though ,  digging  up  a  grave  is  a  fairly  new  one …  even  for  me . ”  she  drags  her  foot  across  the  top  of  the  grave ,  brows  pinched  as  she  tries  to  think  of  what  the  doctor  would  do  in  this  situation .

but  when  the  spider  speaks  amusement  paints  her  features  and  she  looks  up  at  him  with  a  soft  laugh .  “ not  exactly .  not  really .  not …  well ,  the  jury's  still  out  on  that  one .  i'm  not  exactly  just  human …  not  anymore .  but  i'm  not  not  human .  it's  all  a  bit  confusing  and  unbelievable  and  i  swear  that  if  you  try  to  have  me  committed  for  it ,  i'll  be  GONE  BEFORE  YOU  CAN  BLINK . ”  despite  the  tease  in  her  voice ,  it's  laced  with  honesty .  she  knows  she  sounds  insane .  knows  that  most  people  would  insist  on  a  psych  hold .  but  she's  standing  in  front  of  a  man  in  spandex .  she's  fairly  confident  that  she  doesn't  have  to  worry  much  about  that .

[hollowprompts]

` * 𝐧𝐨𝐧-𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 : 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘴. 𝘯𝘰 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘥, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩. 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘥 (+ 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦) 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦.

𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭 -

01. avoids eye contact or looking at the floor. 02. wringing hands together in silence. 03. fidgeting with the hem of their shirt, unable to stay still. 04. looking at receiver in long silence before looking away. 05. silently leaves a folded note on the table in front of the other. 06. touches the others arm but pulls back out of guilt.

𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 -

01. slams fist onto a table without saying a word. 02. exhaling sharply through their nose and clenching their jaw. 03. throws an object across the room. 04. crossing their arms tightly, digging fingers into their own skin. 05. pacing the room with heavy steps. 06. glares at the other with a clenched fist.

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 -

01. gently pushing stray hair behind the others ear. 02. resting their forehead against the others. 03. cups the others face with both hands. 04. pressing a kiss to the others forehead in silence. 05. lingering touches against the others face. 06. wraps their arms around the other from behind and rests their head on the others shoulder.

𝐬𝐚𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 -

01. wiping their eyes before someone can notice. 02. pressing their face into a pillow to muffle sobs. 03. pulls the other into a desperate hug and wont let go. 04. silently reaching for the others hand, needing comfort. 05. walks into the room with red-rimmed eyes and no words.

𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 -

01. spins the other around without warning in a hug. 02. links arms with the other and tugs them along happily. 03. provides the other with a handmade gift. 04. tackles the other in a sudden and joyful hug. 05. kisses the others cheek unexpectedly and grins.

𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫 -

01. backing away slowly and looking for exits. 02. hiding behind the other and peeking around. 03. flinches at sudden movement from the other. 04. presses their back against the wall with eyes darting around the room. 05. jumps at a noise and instinctively grabs the others hand.

𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠

01. tucks a blanket gently around the other person's shoulders. 02. applies a bandage with slow and deliberate care. 03. brings them food and water and watches to ensure they eat. 04. runs fingers through their hair in efforts to soothe. 05. rubs soothing circles on the others back while they cry. 06. stays silently by the others side in support without saying a word.

𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠

01. raises a hand but hesitates. 02. grips the others arm a bit too tightly. 03. pushes the other away with more force than necessary. 04. turns their back on the other to begin walking away without a word. 05. rips a shared photo in half without a word. 06. steps in closely with cold and narrowed eyes.

[vcrtexed]

i have a couple things written and a couple things left . need to eat and then i can hopefully finish these <3

[mournfulroses]

María Casares, from a letter to Albert Camus, featured in Correspondance, 1944-1959

[vcrtexed]

i'm alive ! things have been busy and stressful . but i miss rose . so i'm gonna dive into drafts and see what i can get done today .

will also be on @la1cized !

[muutos]

I'm not leaving you behind. I don't care what you say. / @ joshua because you have me hooked already

"AND WHY NOT?" he asks, voice akin to a tremor in the earth striking gravel. any semblance of anger but a glimmer beneath a striking calm. calculation all that veils what remains beneath the surface.

an unmarred hand wraps snatches up her wrist . . . tight enough to burn - to bruise the pretty exterior. a reminder of just who he was, and exactly what he was capable of... an act so innate as breathing to him that it is done without second thought. for just what would hesitancy serve him, now?

his reputation is of his own doing, adopted from the tactics already employed by caesar. and as his second in command - the commander of their forces - it would not do to inspire anything besides fear. for with fear, comes obedience. 'to follow Caesar is to obey the will of mars; to disobey is to condemn oneself to death'. and oh, many times has he been made deathbringer. carved many examples in no uncertain terms, of each and every man who so much as showed cowardice in the face of his orders, or impending battles. it made no difference the rank. recruits. slaves. and yes, even children.

he remembers - a young mormon boy, scarcely having stepped foot out of new canaan - the sites of what became routine exterminations of tribes used to make him gag. his palms would clam up around the grip of his pistol as he led others to the carnage. warning them that this would soon be their fate were they to follow the same path. though his voice had admittedly trembled back then. it does not now.

there was a distinct impassivity to his icy stare - bright as the stars which bathe her machine, nestled within the steep rocks some five hundred feet from the legion's camp. still far too proximate, if you were to ask him. and where there once lived a flash of anger which flared in the immediate aftermath of her refusal, there is now only a lowering of the brows. confusion, questioning. does she not understand? if he were so much as seen speaking with her - if she were to be spotted anywhere near their camps - there would be no hesitancy to capture and subjugate her. an endeavour that he would no doubt be obligated to support.

"there is no going back for me, don't you see?" the legate continues. "i've long realized that the god i've been serving is no longer that of the new canaanites. but you know little of the horrors i've committed. what i am bound - by honour, and by duty - to continue to commit, until i die in the name of my lord. caesar." his voice is more bitter this time around, the longer it goes on . . . almost biting. yet as quickly as the shift comes, it so too subsides. "horrors for which i ask no mercy."

𝐀𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐑  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐄𝐍𝐃. @vcrtexed.

[vcrtexed]

                  THE  GUILT  SHE  CARRIES  HAS  FOLLOWED  HER  across  galaxies  and  universes ,  across  time  and  space .  a  wandering  soul  that  seeks  adventure ,  making  promises  she  inadvertently  can't  keep .  promises  that  she  intends  to  be  a  comfort ,  that  she  intends  to  be  a  reminder  of  how  much  she  cares .  enough  that  she'll  always  come  back ,  that  she'll  be  there  before  she  can  be  missed .  a  promise  that's  she's  managed  to  keep  so  many  times  before  when  he  wouldn't  follow ,  when  he  had  no  wish  to  leave  the  wasteland .  she  had  always  left  with  a  kiss  and  a  reassurance  that  she  would  COME  HOME  TO  HIM .  and  while  that  may  have  been  true …  she  had  managed  to  leave  for  far  too  long .  long  enough  that  he's  far  from  the  joshua  she  left  behind .  and  it's  her  own  damn  fault .

she  remembers  leaving .  remembers  that  things  had  felt  so  simple ,  soft .  remembers  spending  the  night  before  memorizing  each  other  all  over  again  just  to  have  a  piece  of  them  to  hold  onto .  it's  so  easy  to  expect  the  same  welcome ,  the  same  arms  wrapping  tight  around  her  and  the  same  lips  pressing  to  hers .  the  same  smile  greeting  her  with  light  in  his  eyes .  that  had  been  her  joshua .  he  had  been  so  much  more  than  she  could  have  asked  for  and  she  had  let  him  down .  she  had  let  THE  LIGHT  FADE  FROM  HIS  EYES ,  let  him  get  so  caught  up  in  everything  that  could  hurt  him ,  had  let  him  lose  himself  and  his  skin .  had  she  not  loved  him  she  wouldn't  have  recognized  him .  but  her  soul  knew …  it  would  always  know .

there's  a  moment  she  thinks  that  she  should  run  for  the  tardis ,  that  she  should  recalculate  her  landing .  but  she  knows  that  it  was  too  dangerous .  too  many  possibilities  of  a  paradox ,  of  the  butterfly  effect .  and  there's  nothing  she  can  do  to  save  him  from  himself ,  from  whatever  flames  had  marred  his  skin  and  taken  his  face  from  her .  a  face  she  had  dreamed  of  for  so  long  that  she'll  NEVER  LAY  EYES  ON  AGAIN .  oh  how  selfish  was  she  to  have  run  and  left  him  behind ?  how  selfish  was  she  to  insist  on  traveling  the  stars  while  he  waited  in  the  middle  of  nothing  and  nowhere  for  her  to  come  back ?  why  couldn't  she  have  been  content  with  adventures  through  a  wasteland  that  had  more  to  offer  than  she  had  realized .  a  wasteland  that  had  taken  everything  from  her  as  punishment  for  her  own  fucking  selfishness . 

a  familiar  hand  takes  her  wrist  in  an  unfamiliar  grip  and  she  doesn't  dare  pull  away .  doesn't  dare  flinch .  doesn't  dare  give  him  any  indication  THAT  SHE'S  AFRAID  or  disgusted .  he's  still  joshua .  he's  still  in  there  somewhere  and  there's  nothing  she  won't  do  to  try  to  remind  him  of  that .  to  try  to  see  some  semblance  of  recognition  in  those  eyes .  “ because  i  promised  you  that  i  would  always  come  home .  and  i'm  not  going  back  on  that  now .  i  don't  care  what  you  say  or  do …  i  am  staying  right  here  with  you  like  i  should  have  done  a  long  time  ago . ”  she's  never  been  one  to  follow  warnings ,  to  run  away  from  something  that  matters  just  because  of  difficulty  and  this  is  no  different .  she  knows  that  she  SHOULD  PROBABLY  be  more  wary ,  but  she  refuses  to  make  him  feel  as  though  anything  has  changed  for  her . 

free  hand  lifts  to  press  against  bandaged  covered  cheek ,  thumb  tracing  the  lines  of  the  fabric  before  pulling  slowly  against  lips .  things  are  different ,  now .  that  much  she  understands  but  it  doesn't  keep  her  from  caring  for  him .  “ and  i  can't  go  back  to  change  whatever's  happened .  but  i  can  be  here  through  whatever's  to  come . ”  a  sad  smile  as  she  studies  his  eyes ,  desperate  for  some  sort  of  indication  that  she  still  matters .  that  he  still  wants  her .  she  doesn't  know  what  he's  done ,  what's  happened ,  but  she  WANTS  TO  KNOW .  wants  him  to  trust  her  to  talk  to  her  about  what  she'd  left  behind .  “ i  don't  need  to  give  you  mercy .  i  need  you  to  give  me  forgiveness . ”

[vcrtexed]

might fuck around and switch back to my old icons . gonna test it for a bit .

[vcrtexed]

@deusabsentas ( swiss ) sent : [ PLAY ]:          while sitting together, the sender absently lifts the receiver’s hand, idly running their fingertips across the lines of their palms, mapping out every inch of their hand with slow, lazy touches.

                  THE  SILENCE  IS  DEAFENING  IN  A  WAY  that  isn't  quite  normal  between  she  and  swiss .  there's  usually  laughter  or  music  or  conversation .  there's  never  been  a  moment  of  boredom  between  them  and  she  knows  she's  found  her  person .  especially  in  moments  like  this  when  the  universe  feels  like  it's  weighing  on  her  shoulders .  before  him ,  she  would  be  dealing  with  it  alone .  tucked  in  the  dark  with  a  bottle  of  wine  or  worse ,  drinking  until  she  could  sleep  and  not  dream .  before  him ,  it  had  been  rare  that  she  even  TALKED  ABOUT  HER  JOBS ,  told  anyone  the  horrors  she'd  seen ,  the  devastation  she'd  caused .  but  he  had  yet  to  judge  her  and  she  had  yet  to  try  to  hide  any  of  it  from  him .  how  could  she  when  all  he  had  to  do  is  look  at  her  and  take  her  hand  for  her  to  break  down ?

it's  his  touch  that  keeps  her  grounded ,  the  lazy  tracing  against  the  palm  of  her  hand  from  familiar  fingers  that  she  would  know  anywhere .  without  it ,  she  knows  that  she  would  eventually  SPIRAL  INTO  SOME  SORT  OF  INSANITY .  the  guilt  was  often  too  much  and  the  fear  of  doing  something  wrong  was  overwhelming .  but  the  terror  of  crossing  lucifer  was  greater  than  either  and  the  biggest  fear  she  has  is  of  being  dragged  away  from  the  abbey ,  from  swiss .  especially  now  that  she's  found  joy  she  thought  she  could  never  have .  but  that  means  that  sometimes  everything  hurts .  sometimes  she  just  has  to  break .

she  can't  bring  herself  to  look  at  him ,  always  wary  of  the  day  she  may  see  disappointment  or  disgust  over  what  she's  done .  but  she  does  look  at  his  hand  against  hers  and  it  pulls  her  back  INTO  THE  MOMENT .  a  heavy  breath  and  she leans  against  him ,  head  resting  on  his  shoulder  as  hazel  eyes  keep  their  focus  on  his  fingers .  it's  almost  hypnotic  the  way  he  draws  against  her  skin  and  she  can't  help  but  wonder  if  there's  some  sort  of  power  put  behind  the  motions  to  keep  her  from  completely  falling  apart .  something  that  she  would  appreciate ,  would  mean  something  to  her .  it  would  be  much  better  than  the  wine  calling  to  her  from  the  refrigerator .

a  heavy  breath  as  she  finds  her  voice ,  wavering  and  far  from  the  usual  sing  song  she's  known  for .  “ i  didn't  light  the  match ,  but  i  MAY  AS  WELL  HAVE . ”  a  sniffle .  “ just  left  a  few  things  in  locations  that  they  shouldn't  be  and  let  the  world  do  its  own  work .  but  i  don't  know  how  many  were  in  the  building .  all  i  know  is  i  could  hear  a  child  scream .  but  i'm  not  allowed  to  interfere ,  no  matter  what .  i  go  in ,  do  my  work ,  make  sure  it  happens ,  and  then  leave .  but  this …  swiss ,  it's  the  first  time  it's  felt  quite  so  wrong .  and  it  was  so  far  in  the  past  that  there  was  nothing  compared  to  what  we  have  now  to  help  them .  i  haven't  even  let  myself  look  up  news  from  the  day .  i  don't  want  to  know  THE  BODY  COUNT . ”

[inkpressedpetals]