YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE [ l m ao bYE ]
my muse’s reaction to yours dying in their arms || accepting
She’d been so sure she knew the definition of that word; ‘ a complete loss or absence of hope. ’But she feels it, now, the real definition. The one you only learnwhen you’re in the lowest possible moment, when it’s just you&& your pain && everything gets almost too clear. She knows it better than she has ever known anything.
It’s a state of being.One which is crushing && familiar.One which is sharp && cold && more vast than her broken chest can hope to contain.
Linda Park had lost things before. She had lost her babies before.
That was before she’d held them, before she’d memorized theirsmiles, before she’d wiped up their tears && checked under thebed for monsters.
Before she’d fought for their damn lives with every fiber of herselfthat she could give. Before she’d clawed holes into her mind andfilled those newly-emptied spaces with alien technology and sciencethat she once never would’ve dreamed of understanding in order tomake sure their lives wouldn’t be cut short.
But all of that had been meaningless. Because no matter how muchshe knew, no matter what skills she possessed, she knew now there was nothing she could do to save her baby. There were no machinesto hook him up to, there were no small miracles to bring him back toher by accident.
A sob wracked her body, her shoulders shaking as she tried to slowhis loss of blood. She was medically trained, she knew that if shepinched the artery she might be able to… ( but he had already lost so much blood )
“ It’s okay, Jai, mommy’s got you, ” she breathed, hoping that hewas aware enough to hear her, praying that if she poured enoughlove into him and just kept trying to keep the bleeding under controlthat Wally would come and rush him to the hospital and everythingwould be okay again.
“ I’m not going to lose you, not again, not ever again. ” Her words kept coming between breaths, between cries, between silent wishes that this wasall a bad dream && she would wake up. Wishes that all of her medical training was wrong, that her little boy still had a chance. That he wasn’t getting colder, that his pulse was steady, that he was STILL BREATHING.
That she hadn’t failed him so utterly.
But she knew that she had.
Linda Park knew the definition of despair.
It was losing the greatest gift she had ever been given.It was admitting that the memories of that smile she heldso dear were all she had left.
It was whispering ‘I love you’ one last time before smoothingback her son’s dark hair and kissing his forehead with a sob.
Her baby was gone. Simply gone.
She hadn’t checked under the bed well enough. The monsters had gotten him.
turnnoffyourmind
annaxmalina
romaincrisis
titsay
