Untitled

Let us live, since me must die...

[veloura-xo]

I don't know who I am any more.........

Thats it, if you wanted me to describe that in a in a wretched, disgustingly honest way, then sorry..

But there's nothing more to say, I don't know who i am anymore, and i have no idea how long i have before i stop writing completely......

[veloura-xo]

I always thought art should be dirty.. red, raw, ugly, truthful. Filled with all the sins humanity deemed as bad..

Art should hurt to make, and if it doesn't your doing something wrong.. like if you are a dancer, you are not an artist if up your feet hasn't bled through a dance, if u haven't danced hurt, sick, on the verge of crying.. You are not an artist if your fingers haven't bled into the paint your brushes stoke, if your fingers aren't raw and red and if there isn't blood on your guitar string..

It isn't art if you are not absolutely disgusted or in love with the song lyrics, if the song doesn't touch your heart and split it open..

It isn't art if some people hate it, and others are left absolutely obsessed with it..

I am not glorifying pain, or saying that you have to be dead inside to be called an artist, what i am saying is sometimes if not often you need to drink yellow paint in hopes of being happy. And You need to speed your car with your hands off the wheel, to able to describe how the deer looked in front of your headlights.. You need to bleed to say that red isn't just a color.. you need to hurt, to hate just to be able to love...

What i am saying is that you don't need to be dead to create art you just need to feel it..

[veloura-xo]

I was not always like this you know... I loved to talk, I felt like I could talk forever and never stop... But people change, for the better or worse that upto you..

But now I listen... More like I collect, I collect stories, experience, emotions... I don’t ask for it, when you sit down with someone long enough they tend to give away a part of themselves, and I aim for the most precious one...

I know how my friend picks up a fight with her boyfriend, blames him and the goes and apologieses , to be fair she was at fault, but i don't say she's the toxic one i just sit with her..

I listen to my friend talk about how school is her haven cus at home the conditions aren't good anymore.. she keeps saying that when she leaves for college next year she will take her little sister with her... And I belive her, I let her belive it too..

I listen to my friend say life has been hard lately, and all he feels like is letting go.. he cant explain why, I don't ask him to neither to I point out his full shirt in this heat.. I dont tell him somedays I feel the same way..

I listen to my friend pretend.. to be sad, to be soft.. to be the kind people would pity on..

Well, I am not out hear blabbering secrets that don't even matter to you.. my point is, there are billions of people living, with trillions of problems.. The question is what makes you different? I collect those answers..

[veloura-xo]

Some people are just born into pain.. Birthed screaming, crying, bloodied.. Like the world had wronged them, like living felt like hell...

My mom says, I used to cry a lot as a baby, so much that she thought I didn't want to come into this world, but was forced into it.. She says, I cried like I was calling on god, declaring his unfairness...

Thirteen years later, I cried like that again.. Raw, screaming, like i was in so much pain... I called god again, dumb, stupid, like a teenager confessing sins, praying justice wouldn't be as heavy... Skimmed keens, bloodied, dirty, folded hands, praying, praying....

And then five years later, I went down on my keens again in front of god, this time with a realisation that god doesn't love pretty, he doesn't love just, but he loves unconditionally...

God I know you love me, but your love, i can no longer handle... I know your saving me, but pulling me up out from a ditch with your hands around my neck is not a proffered way of getting saved... But wasn't it me who told you to get me out even if it meant dying..

To the gods worshipped with blood, look at me, I said look at me.. Isn't this what you wanted, a sacrifice covered in blood spilt.. Take me, if it means getting out of here, take me if it means surviving.. Take me cus I want to live....

[veloura-xo]

You see, I am surrounded by blood

My own and the people around be,

And i am eating flesh,

Raw and naked like the truth he told me....

But I am still starving, so i cut my own self up,

Ravishing it part by part..

I am bloody, thirsty and hungry,

All the blood i drank hasn't quenches my thirst,

And the flesh hasn't satisfied me....

I am howling, craving, searching ( and crying),

And you walk in,

In into a savage animal, a greedy one,

Who just wants more....

'You want love my darling' ,you say,

Wiping the blood off my mouth while you yourself are drenched,

"LOVE", I say it out loud,

It tastes bitter in my mouth,

"LOVE", I swallow the word in,

"LOVE" you call me,

Come with me you say...

"LOVE" i say dumb, stupid, shivering and drenched,

"LOVE", maybe you like playing that too,

Because red is a difficult color to get rid off,

And i see you completely stained...

"LOVE", one word and you are gone,

"LOVE" one word, and the blood on you is no one's,

But mine..

"LOVE " I know that gave tooo,

Love knows how to win...

[veloura-xo]

Somedays are just quiet... like I want to say something but I don't know what..

So i listen, I listen to my frnds world fall apart over a bad breakfast, I listen to the teacher talk about how he had so much potential but so little money, I listen to the clock tick away, I listen to the world end... I listen while I silently hold pieces of my heart together, while the sharp corners pierce through my lungs making it hard to breathe...

But all that matters is I listen......

[veloura-xo]

You know what i realised, nobody values time except the ones running out of it.. like think about it, 15 mins might see so daam long sitting in a class that doesn't end, but that same 15 mins is the shortest time you can get between 2 classes.. Yah, its facts nobody wishes for time to stop more than a man lying on his deathbed.. similarly nobody realises the value of time in their youth than a person chasing dreams that were never his..

You are in a neverending rat race that technically doesn't have a finish line.. and then you look over your shoulder and feel like, I never wanted to be a runner all I wanted was to live..

That gives rise to a different question.. W hat is living.. Am I living, are you.. does badely making it through the day count.. or was I alive that one summer when smoke was on my lips and everything else went wrong....

[veloura-xo]

I am standing under the flickering light that i can see from my bedroom window.. so close but still so far away. Its dark all around and I don't know where to go. Your voice used to be the only thing that guided me, but now it comes in form of echos... from every corner, mocking....

I am sorry if I did something wrong, but it was you who left. You cant just leave and make me belive i let you go... it hurts now, and I am lost, maybe thats how it was always supposed to be like

[veloura-xo]

You like me,

Ok..

But which part of me do you like,

The one that goes around with the brightest smile,

Or that one who killed herself last summer..

It was July, or so I think,

And the sun shone the brightest then....

Anyways leave that,

Did you know you’re named after a god,

The enforcer, the keeper..

So, I'll trust you with my heart,

The one thats beating...

( I am scared to show you the rotten one,

But please ask me about it,

Ask me why its rotten, ugly and trying to crawl out.

Ask me why its hungry and mad..)

I hold love for the longest of time you know,

Just because I don't know how to let it go..

( i held love for the longest time,

Until it started rotting in my heart.

Until its stench looped around my neck,

Until I was choking myself with my own two hands..)

[Should I continue this????]

[veloura-xo]

I dare you,

I dare you to stand at the top of your pain,

And scream at it like a fucking madman...

Get blood on your hands,

But the blood has to be yours..

Kill,

But die first...

Nobody knows pain unless they have died cus of it,

And nobody knows will unless they ave killed cus of it....

[veloura-xo]

Someday's it just fucking hurts so much.. It hurts when you breathe, it hurts to live... Then you wonder why it hurts and what made it hurts...

But the truth is when you have been stripped down of everything you love, only to live a life that was designed for you, just hurting seems like a good fucking day...

Thats it, there is nothing more to say, I bargained my soul to the devil, for a life i didn't want in the first place, just hurting is a luxury..

[veloura-xo]

You know those road trips that stretch on for longer than you expected it to.. And then you're there struggling in the backseat, alone with the music that you claim to like...

Stars, shimmering in the moonlit Sky, that's all you stare at, thats all you can stare at... as the night stretches on with a merry melody, you try to fit in but you know its better to stay quiet for reasons unknown..

They see you, the stars... the dirty little secrets you try and hide, they see it.. and you claim that the only reason you keep going is because you look at the twinkling starts in the night sky, and wonder if they can be next to nothing but still shine so can you..

But can you, you belive you nothing more that that flickering streetlight that is visible from your window back at home.. it's been nine years since you have shifted there, but that light never stopped flickering... Maybe you actually are that, barely making it through, forgotten... Will it even make a difference if you stop lighting the street...

[veloura-xo]

Don't look at me like that, like you love me...

Why

Because then when you ask me to let you go, I will..

Because i love you, I love you enough to let you go, enough to become a stranger for you, enough to forget or atleast try to......

Do you love me

Yes...

Then let me go

Sure... I'll let you walk out the door, and I'd even remind you to take your sweater with you... ( After you leave ill curl up like a little child who lost their most precious possession... I'll become a jeweler without the jewels , a surgeon without the skills, a ruler without a kingdom... but I'll let you go, knowing that you left with a part of me I need... but I won't stop you)

A few years later we both are older, your voice deeper than your eyes, and yet I am still the girl you left behind...

You let me go

You asked me to

And you didn't care enough to stop me

I did care, I cared enough to let you go, while you looked into my pleading eyes and walked away.. tell me did you not hear be beg you to stay, scream that I needed you and that if you leave you'll be taking my heart with you.. I loved you enough to let you go, but you didn't even care enough to stay...

[veloura-xo]

You could carry me by my throat through a desert, but i'll only think of it as you didn't want me to burn my feet.. You keep hurting me, and I keep looking at u like you're god, my god....