Some people are just born into pain.. Birthed screaming, crying, bloodied.. Like the world had wronged them, like living felt like hell...
My mom says, I used to cry a lot as a baby, so much that she thought I didn't want to come into this world, but was forced into it.. She says, I cried like I was calling on god, declaring his unfairness...
Thirteen years later, I cried like that again.. Raw, screaming, like i was in so much pain... I called god again, dumb, stupid, like a teenager confessing sins, praying justice wouldn't be as heavy... Skimmed keens, bloodied, dirty, folded hands, praying, praying....
And then five years later, I went down on my keens again in front of god, this time with a realisation that god doesn't love pretty, he doesn't love just, but he loves unconditionally...
God I know you love me, but your love, i can no longer handle... I know your saving me, but pulling me up out from a ditch with your hands around my neck is not a proffered way of getting saved... But wasn't it me who told you to get me out even if it meant dying..
To the gods worshipped with blood, look at me, I said look at me.. Isn't this what you wanted, a sacrifice covered in blood spilt.. Take me, if it means getting out of here, take me if it means surviving.. Take me cus I want to live....