For all you aspiring clown owners out there, when you take a sick clown to the vet for their annual chuckle-up, beware of FAKE clown doctors like this guy here! He may seem official- he calls himself a doctor and even has a traveling carnival sideshow- but do NOT make the mistake of entrusting your clowns to him!
Just look at his own clown, for instance. This is a rare Scare/Mime hybrid variant known as Expressionus Conradus. They're native to Germany and, in the wild, are sometimes seen in rural Oktoberfest carnivals, cinemas, and the thesis papers of bored film students. While a graceful and elegant breed, these clowns are unfortunately prone to sleep disorders, especially somnambulism, and therefore may require extra care (Figure 1).
Already, you can see the wretched state this poor clown is in. This Conradus, called "Cesare" by his incompetent handler, is clearly malnourished, and while Mime breeds sometimes groom themselves to maintain an orderly appearance with invisible brushes and combs, this one has become so stressed to the point of unkempt, matted hair. Right away, any responsible clown owner can tell how distressed this clown is, especially one supposedly under the care of a "doctor." But that's just the tip of the iceberg. As a warning to all clown lovers, these next few images may be disturbing.
Here we see several things that would cause horror in anyone familiar with the hallowed art of clown husbandry (Fig. 2). This setup is HORRENDOUS. Due to the Conradus' tendency to sleepwalk, they require a soft place in which to sleep, along with safety measures in place to make sure they don't accidentally hurt themselves or others. Enrichment toys are also ideal to keep them engaged. However, we see here that instead of anything that would accommodate the unique condition of this beautiful creature, so-called "Doctor" Caligari keeps him in a BOX just barely big enough to contain him. A quarantine box for injured clowns is sometimes necessary, but it should NEVER be used as their primary habitat. We see no enrichment devices, not even a simple red balloon so common with Scare clowns; it's no wonder that Cesare is asleep all the time! And what is he FEEDING him?! While the Expressionus Zomburg, a close cousin of the Expressionus Conradus, lives primarily on hamburgers and other food truck fare, this species requires a balanced diet of fresh fruits and the finest German cheeses and pastries; with its frail composition, anything otherwise could be dangerous. I don't even want to try to describe what's going on here; I just know that no clown should ever be fed that slop. But if you think it can't get any worse, it certainly does.
Scare clowns, it is true, are an often dangerous variety that sometimes have a need to stalk and kill human victims. And yet, there is so much that is misunderstood about them. A Scare clown is happiest when causing mischief, wreaking havoc, and killing whoever it pleases. And yet, our poor Cesare isn't even allowed to do that! His handler forces him to kill certain victims, rather than letting him murder whoever he wants by his own free will. Killing may be stimulating to Scare clowns, which is why owning one requires extra care, but forcing a Scare clown to kill, especially when they're asleep, can mess with their minds and even cause severe depression. This is an injustice to all Scare clowns! Cesare should be able to run free and not be made to kill people, but rather to kill them on his own accord!
When given the love and care they deserve, these beautiful clowns make excellent companions and loyal friends. Their unique personalities and graceful movements make them stunning to watch, and while they may be difficult to care for, the proper procedures will make it all worth it. It's truly a shame what's become of this individual, and we can only hope he's been rescued and relocated somewhere to a nice shelter, such as Bozo's Home for Gloomy Fools. If you would like to help mistreated clowns like Cesare, consider donating to the Scare Clown Rescue Foundation, where "We Use Your Pennies Wisely."
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