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Not today Justin
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@vi-reads
What would Queering the Map look like in the DC Universe
For those of you that don't know, Queering the Map is basically this website where people can add pinpoints on a map with their different queer experiences. It's really cool, I suggest checking it out (unless you hate The Gays, in which case feel free to unfollow me).
Now, for the headcanons:
"Went to a baseball game for our third date. We ended up on the jumbotron. Some people booed us. I think it's 'cause I wore a Gotham jersey and she had a Metropolis hat. A modern-day Romeo and Juliet."
"Drag storytime here, every Thursday from 5:30 to 7"
"sometimes love is kidnapping a nepo baby with your two polyamorous boyfriends"
"Did it with another Arkham inmate, 5/10"
"According to my grandfather, who trained me to wield a sword from the moment I could walk, I'm 'too young' to know who I am."
"Themiscyra more like Lesbos 2 amirite"
"I have a crush on a boy in my class but every time I ask him to hang out he tells me he's busy. I know he doesn't do any after-school clubs and he doesn't need a part-time job because he's rich as hell. I have my conspiracy theories. Let's see how they pan out."
"@ Ollie Queen I screwed your son in your office"
"On this street corner, I got so nervous talking to the cute food truck worker that I puked in a trash can. I am 42 years old."
"Don't forget about us in Kahndaq!"
"Smallville boys sure love them cornfields"
"I put the bi in billionaire"
"me-wow ;)"
"It's Sunday morning. My wife and I slept in after a wild time last night. I woke up first so I surprised her with her favorite breakfast and used the food scraps to make compost cupcakes for her plants. Then she kissed me and showed me a funny video because she knows I love wild dogs, and it makes everything I've put up with worth it. Some folks will see this and still call us the villains. If that's the case, I don't wanna be a hero."
"I know where I'd put my Lantern ring ( ͡ ° ل͜ ͡°)"
"No GCPD at Pride"
"I no longer live in England but I had my fair share of adventures back in the day. We have always been here and we always will be."
"first kiss here, tasted like waffles"
"Hey Lex I can be your sugar baby i mean henchman"
"I can run from Keystone to Bludhaven in five seconds flat but it doesn't matter because he'll never see me the way I see him"
"I transed the fish. Signed, an Atlantean"
"Wanna match butts?"
What about a fic where Dick has been given the okay by Bruce to reveal his identity to the yj team in season 1, but he decides to have fun with it. He just starts dropping little hints that should have them all connecting the dots, and he enjoys watching them try to piece all the clues together.
“I won’t be available for training on Tuesdays and Thursdays the next few months,” he says one afternoon.
“Why not?” one of his teammates asks.
“That’s when I have baseball games after school. Tuesdays are away games, so I don’t get home until late. Also I have practice Monday, Wednesday, and some Fridays, so I’ll probably be late those days if B lets me come here afterwards.”
“You…play a sport?”
“Yeah, I even made Varsity!”
That was hint number one. He thought it was fairly easy to figure out who he was after that; he’s the only freshman on the Gotham Academy Varsity Baseball team. Artemis never puts two and two together.
Hint number two he thought was a lot more obvious, but no one took the bait. He also thought it was pretty generous, seeing as it became two hints for the price of one.
“I have to leave by 5:30 tonight. Agent A is starting to get annoyed when I’m late for dinner.”
“Who’s Agent A?”
“The butler, if you want to be technical about it,” he says with a shrug.
“…You have a butler?”
“Technically, B has a butler. I don’t employ him. Because I’m 13.”
“…Right. And you live with Batman?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“What about your parents?”
“They died when I was little.” If he says it nonchalantly enough, he can pretend it doesn’t still hurt to say. He also steadfastly ignores Conner’s muttered Is he not still little? How tall is he? “I’ve lived with B ever since.”
“Did he kidnap you?”
“No!” Dick huffs. “He adopted me! Jeez!”
Now he’s annoyed, and he decides to go home early. They still don’t figure it out, and that annoys him even more.
The third hint may as well be his secret identity handed to them on a silver platter.
“I can’t come to the movie marathon on Saturday,” he grumbles, dragging his feet. “B is making me go to some stupid gala thing.”
“A gala?” Someone asks.
“Like for rich people?” Someone else scoffs.
“Yeah, it’s some charity thing,” he mumbles. He doesn’t want to go. Vicki Vale has been extra annoying lately, and he doesn’t want to have to avoid her questions all night. He doesn’t know who Bruce’s latest paramour is, and he certainly wouldn’t be blabbing about it to her gossip rag tabloids in the first place. “I think it’s gonna be on TV or something.”
They don’t watch the broadcast. Which is a shame, because they may have figured it out if they’d seen the interview of Bruce and Dick together.
The next one he does just to screw with them.
“Can you believe B is making me take tennis lessons?” he scoffs, stomping into the room. “It’s gonna be so lame!”
“Where are you taking tennis lesson in Gotham?” Artemis snorts.
“The Bristol Country Club,” he tells her, falling back into a chair and putting his feet on the coffee table.
Artemis’ eyes nearly bug out of her head.
“Do you have to pay extra to get tennis lessons at a country club?” M’gann asks.
“I think it’s included in the membership or something, I dunno,” he says, waving a hand.
“Batman goes to a country club?”
“Yeah, we go for dinner there like once a week. The steak is pretty good.”
“You and Batman get dinner at a country club? Weekly?”
“If we can, yeah,” he says, waving a hand. “B likes the golf course there.”
When they still don’t figure it out even after Dick Grayson posts on social media about going to the Bristol Country Club to play golf with Bruce Wayne the very next day, he finally gives up on them.
“You guys are so thick,” he says, sounding so offended as he stands in front of them with his arms crossed and a frown on his face. “I gave you so many hints! So many!”
They all can’t stop staring at him. Mostly because he’s not wearing his mask. Or his sunglasses.
Dick Grayson is standing before the team, supremely disappointed in them.
“B finally gives me the go ahead to tell you my secret ID, and then he makes a bet with me about how long it would take you guys to find out for yourselves! And I believed in you! And now I have to do the dishes and take out the trash and clean up after Ace without complaining about any of it for a month!”
“Who’s Ace?”
“Our dog!“
“Don’t you have a butler to do all that?”
“He’s not a servant,” he says, now even more offended. “I still have chores. I’m not a total spoiled brat, jeez. But I usually at least get to bitch about it! And now I can’t for a whole month, you guys suck!”
“…do you not have a dishwasher in your giant mansion?”
“It’s a manor,” he corrects. And then his voice gets a little shrieky as he whines, “And it still sucks having to load and unload the dishwasher! Do you know how nitpicky they BOTH are about how dishes have to go in a dishwasher? It’s like the world’s worst game of Tetris! Shit!”
“And you don’t get to whine about it at all for the next month,” Bruce teases him, poking his head around the corner. “Pleasure doing business, chum.”
Dick snaps his head towards him, only to turn back and glare at his friends.
“I could have gotten out of tennis lessons instead, you absolutely shitheads. Ugh!” Then he stomps off.
After he’s left, Conner turns to the others and says, “I thought he was fucking with us about the tennis lessons.”
There’s a wifeplot Shen Yuan genuinely enjoyed towards the beginning of Bingge’s wife collecting journey. A tribe of deeply isolationist and territorial demons have metal working techniques capable of producing blades similar in strength to Xin Mo as the legend goes. Apparently an aggrieved offshoot of this clan created Xin Mo out of malice millennia ago, but the swords the clan elders usually produce do not cause qi deviation in the wielder. Bingge is trying to track them in the middle of nowhere, planning to infiltrate and slaughter the clan, so their knowledge and resources can be brought to the palace.
And he does eventually find the entrance to their hidden city, wrought in the side of a mountain. He’s able to pass through the broken down gates, traveling the maze like passageways of the mountain to… a ghost city. Old enough that any wood structures have already crumpled to rot. At a central spot in the city, there’s what appears to be a cross between a smithy and a temple. When Luo Binghe enters, he’s immediately drawn to a sword sunken in a central display, radiating power. The aura is at least as strong as Xin Mo, but it’s calming. It calls to him the same way Zheng Yang once did, many years ago; safe and reassuring.
As he goes to draw it from its pedestal, the lines of an ancient array go taught, trapping him in a powerful web of qi. It wrenches his body, breaking his bones and melting his skin, his mind frozen in torment as he is shrunken down into a Nine Torments Hound— a type of yaogui dog that appears to be almost made of mildew and drowned. They’re not violent, only able to cause harm accidentally from the spores they shed, which can cause sickness in mortals and weak demons. They are universally shunned creatures.
At this point the narration shifts, implying that Luo Binghe’s mind was taken in the transformation. He leaves the abandoned city in search of food, and is immediately wounded terribly by a stronger demonic beast. Days later on the brink of death, a wild woman finds him, and actually takes doghe back to her home to nurse him back to health, despite the risk to her own wellbeing. She’s almost unrealistically kind, and doghe is completely devoted.
One day the same beast that attacked doghe comes back to ravage the woman’s homestead. Doghe tries to defend her, but the wild woman can’t stand to see her companion injured. She kills the beast at great personal expense, mortal wounds incidentally revealing her to be some kind of mushroom spirit. Someone that doghe wouldn’t have been able to harm. With her last bit of strength, she drags herself up to kiss doghe’s little forehead and call him a good boy, before dying. It turned out this was a princess and the frog type plot, and doghe turns back into human Binghe, watching the wild woman decompose in front of him, her mushroom biology rejecting his blood.
The arc ends on a quiet, somber note: Binghe buries the wild woman, retrieves Xin Mo from the ghost city, and returns to the palace empty handed. Shen Yuan marks this as one of the last instances of Airplane writing a genuinely compelling plot, and there is long standing debate within the fandom over wether the wild woman would have been THE wife to make Bingge truly happy. In a Q&A a few years later, Airplane reveals that the character of the mushroom wife was based on one of his ex-wife’s nephews who was always bringing back injured stray animals, who airplane described as “too young for me, but total wife material”
Hundreds of years and many wives later Bingge's reading a book that mentions those type of mushroom spirits will slowly regenerate a new body and mind after a long dormant period...hm... he's gonna go...check on something.
Meanwhile, about 5 years ago Shen Yuan woke up as a mushroom spirit in PIDW and he's just been hanging out, exploring the nearby ruins, stealing cool swords... Having vivid flashbacks to being a woman dying in Luo Binghe's arms... You know normal stuff.
After Binghe turns up SY is going to insist that he has a completely different personality now! Binghe can't like like him!! But his inability to stop patting Binghe's head is going to betray him.
Thinking more about abyssal emperor SY and empress Binghe (Link)
SY talks about training Binghe with fighting and combat but Binghe just gives sad eyes and SY is like 'Binghe will have to do so much fighting later he should have times to rest, especially after all those years on that peak Binghe should be taken care of and chance to rest'
Binghe wanting to learn music and art instead and SY teaching because poor Binghe never got learn this before he'll teach him everything Binghe is talented enough to put all of those qing jing peak disciples to shame.
SY teaching Binghe all about abyssal creatures and other demons that Binghe will have to fight. Binghe is learning all about the subjects he'll rule over with SY and the creatures within their domain.
Binghe wanting to wear fancy robes and SY agreeing because of course Binghe should get the best and if that's when he wants then of course he should have it. It's different styles to the art less armor but Binghe wants it so who cares.
Binghe is pampered empress just relaxing and cooking and enjoying listening to SY talking about monsters and history.
SY is still like Binghe will soon be leaving to take his revenge until then he can rest the protagonist deserves a break he'll be gone soon so I'll make the most of my time to spoil little white lotus.
Yet another silly SVSSS AU/fic prompt where SY transmigrates into demon/creature within the endless abyss. He's been transmigrated there hundreds of years before the plot and decides to spend time making abyss a little awful and organized.
If he can fix some plot points and get things less chaotic (airplane seriously just crept adding stuff that made zero sense to get more sex scenes) so SY will fix that and make things less bad for Binghe...
He ends up taking over the entire abyss without realizing. Man is emperor of the abyss.
Xin Mo has been begging SY to wield it but SY is like 'i'm not touching the protagonists golden finger, why would I do that i'm just an NPC'
SY has not realized he's the feared emperor of the abyss, tales of his power have even reached outside texts, he is the great terror that rules over all others and untied all the creatures under his power.
He just keeps thinking this is just to make things easier for Binghe... he's mentioned a few times about LBH and his subjects have heard a heavenly demon hat will fall in who SY talks about with adoration.
Clearly they all decide SY is a seer (it would explain a lot) and LBH is their future bride.
LBH falls into abyss ready to start revenge arc... only to get scooped up by first demons who see him and take him palace to apparently 'future husband' LBH is ready to start killing... until he meets SY.
Empress of the abyss suddenly sounds very appealing.
SY: I can help Binghe go though this arc with less trauma and then i'm sure he'll leave and become emperor
LBH: I am empress of the abyss and I am never leaving.
SQH has been waiting for protagonist to get out of the abyss and plot to start in earnest.. only it's been 5 years and nothing.
No takeover in any demonic lands, no plots as cultivation sects and no wives appear to have been acquired.
He has no idea what's happening, where's the plot? where's the revenge? wheres the harem?
Stallion protagonist is missing in action and SQH is confused. The script is out the window and his system seems to have just given up? No missions or anything.
MBJ is taking over territory and expanding power... he no longer wants a spy (he has no need for one since the sect isn't of any importance to him without LBH revenge) SQH thinks he's gonna die earlier... only MBJ just scoops him up and is keeping in in North permanently... (he's been bridenapped and hasn't figured it out yet)
It's only when SQH is arranging meeting with abyssal emperor (who SQH is 99% sure he never wrote but he didn't have a lot of lore in notes that he had to throw out because the lore wasn't selling with anyone other than peerless cucumber)
When in meeting he sees emperor and his empress... who is his stallion protagonist.
He's so shocked he almost misses that he's introduced as queen of the North.
...It's not even that out there that he hadn't noticed yet. With Bridenapping and no explicitly labeled "wedding" he'd recognize, for one, he didn't clock it wasn't just a regular kidnapping or smth. And then once living there...
Never referring to himself as Queen isn't even weird. Because Queens, as spouse of the King, do not necessarily have any inherent ruling power or authority themselves. So constantly referring to himself as "this Advisor" instead IS a valid thing— he is emphasizing that he is An Actual Legit Advisor to the King, one that is trusted to be listened to and entrusted with actual duties he is good at being in charge of. He is not just arm candy or for making babies or doting upon. He Does Shit and they are Expected To Listen To Him, not just be polite and respectful.
And anyone else using such a title for him is respecting that rank and duties.
It's not a demotion, no matter which way around you look at it, just a distinction.
And so, the Queen Of The North has never actually heard of himself being referred to as such until Just Then.
(If one wants to give MBJ the benefit of the doubt, one can presume he was thinking to respect SQH's "clearly preferred title" by calling him "my Advisor" not "my queen", even in private. And by name, which is far from New.)
(This is Moshang, tho, so even when MBJ got it well enough to successfully bridenap his hamster we still give him side-eye and shade for never actually SAYING "My Queen", to HIS CHOSEN QUEEN, especially in private.)
(Even tho SQH has been calling him "my king" for decades.)
(Which is seen by anyone Not In The Know as an adorable affectionate couples thing.)
(One could expect him to at least ATTEMPT the reciprocal option, just to see how SQH might react to it. But no. He did not. Oops.)
the one thing my latest fic is doing right now is making me really like the utilisation of Drake Manor after Tim is adopted by Bruce. like, if we have Tim’s parents dying before they go broke, then Drake Manor is just… sitting empty. waiting for tenants.
and i’m just saying a fresh-from-the-league Jason Todd is a perfect tenant. i want him to use his crime lord earnings to buy Drake Manor from Tim and start living next door Specifically to piss off Bruce. he is going to be the worst neighbour ever. he’s gonna call the police on Bruce on a random Tuesday night to complain about noise despite being half a fucking mile away. he’s gonna grow trees and shrubs encroaching on the edge of Wayne property. he’s gonna declare himself head of the bristol homeowners association and send passive aggressive letters about how the gates to Wayne Manor break some kind of height code by precisely half an inch. he’s gonna be the worst.
even funnier is if Bruce absolutely does not know the Red Hood’s identity. he has no idea Jason is his neighbour and Tim is absolutely not telling him because seeing Bruce’s patience with their new neighbour crumble over the course of six months has been the best entertainment since that one time he went to the circus and saw some acrobats. when asked who he sold the manor to he just has to be all vague, like ‘just some regular single dad and his son, idk.’
the son is Damian. Damian has absolutely no fucking clue what the point of him coming to Gotham was if Jason wasn’t even going to introduce him to his biological father, but Drake Manor has a pool and for the first time in his life he’s living a life that doesn’t include getting up at the crack of dawn for training or ridiculous pressure to succeed stemming from bloodlines and birthright, so you know what? he’s fine with it. he’s living his best life. life would be a fucking vacation if Jason hadn’t signed him up for school and demanded he do ‘normal children stuff’.
basically i just want suburban single dad Jason moving him and Damian into the manor next door and only Tim knowing they’re there. i want Damian being Tim’s ‘school friend from next door that sometimes comes round for school projects and happens to look remarkably like Bruce’, and i want Jason to be living his best suburbia life while being able to piss Bruce off both at home and on patrol.
eventually Bruce decides to just be neighbourly and convinces Damian to invite his ‘dad’ to the next Wayne Gala. Jason absolutely is going to attend, even if it fucks up his secret identity, and he is absolutely going to be telling an already shell-shocked Bruce that Damian’s mother is Talia Al Ghul, juuuuust to see what happens when Bruce is forced to assume his presumed-dead son is actually somehow alive and the father of his ex’s child. all while in public at a civilian gala.
things in fic I'm used to people kind of faking their way through writing about:
the city of los angeles
the city of new york
sex
how drinking alcohol works
how getting high works
how a child of any age speaks
how nuclear physics work
how [my job] works
how debilitating being shot in the shoulder is
how hypothermia works
things I have never before seen someone fake their way through writing about, until today:
what french toast is
read through the notes on this one trust me
Here's some of the notes, starting with the things multiple people brought up:
SHRIMP COCKTAIL:
banahbanah: #flashback to that one fic where Peter Parker frets about drinking shrimp cocktail because of the alcohol
generaldeliciousness: adding: what a prawn/shrimp cocktail is
#why is your character turning it down because they're under 21 #do you think prawn cocktail is a cocktail #this lives in my brain rent-free constantly #the rest of the fic was so normal #and good enough that i'll still re-read it #but bro
And then many, MANY, people wondering if this was actually authour mistake, since Peter really would do this!
POMEGRANATES:
zhajhassa: #haha where's that post that was like someone describing someone eating a pomegranate but they ate it like an apple
thornhands: #once someone wrote persephone biting into a whole Pomegranate #had to stop and stare at a wall for a minute
sungsingsanguine: I once saw someone very confidently write about a character eating slices of pomegranate.
FRUIT TREES:
zagreuses-toast: #given a very endearing glimpse into a writers blindspots by seeing them describe someone sitting under a ''pineapple tree''
salatrash: I remember something about picking watermelons... OF A FUCKING TREE
baander: #cranberry trees
DOUGH/BATTER:
maycelium: #I'm a chef so I'm really used to people not accurately describing how to cook food #But I was surprisingly flabbergasted when someone was writing making a cake and was kneading it. Which uh #Not necessary for cake. It was interesting for sure but just bizarre
livebloggingmydescentintomadness: #the one that drove me nuts was when a character set aside a batch of PASTA DOUGH 'to rise' #pasta doesn't have yeast!! #it does need to REST but it will never RISE #you do not want an airy crumb on your noodles
lovesodeepandwideandwell: #THE ONE WHERE THEY MADE COOKIES BY LADLING BATTER INTO A TRAY
Some other topics:
i know alcohol was on the list for common ones but lets give it up for customers and bartenders admitting to "not having my liquor license yet". the liquor license is something the building needs. you the customer/employee just need to verify your age, usually with a photo id. i'm just. "i'm not 21 i don't have my liquor license yet" WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT TERM WITHOUT CONTEXT?????
also almost assuredly guilty of the congee thing mentioned. i've even looked up recipes but like. definitely have handwaved the whole concept of food in that fic.
fed up with Bruce tracking them/invading their privacy in the name of safety, i like to think the batkids pull an uno reverse and microchip Bruce while he’s passed out after a bad patrol injury. they start tracking his phone activity and texting him about wherever he is. bringing up things they know he’s searched for one his phone/people he’s been talking to, showing up at wherever he is during the day and interrupting him just to prove they always know where he is; just overall trying to annoy him the best they can.
issue is, Bruce is just so happy to see and talk to his kids at any point that he doesn’t even notice the breach of privacy, and the kids just end up feeling really awkward about how happy their dad is to see them.
Jason will bring up something in conversation with Bruce that was only privately relayed through texts between Bruce and a colleague, smirking because he knows Bruce is gonna be really paranoid about who’s watching his texts, except Bruce just smiles and happily chats with him for thirty minutes and he’s in a good mood all day because Jason willingly had a casual conversation with him, and when the JL ask why Batman’s in such a good mood at a meeting later that day Jason just goes bright red and doesn’t know what to say because he didn’t realise how much Bruce genuinely craves just catching up with him every now and then.
Dick will stalk him for weeks and wait until Bruce has a really tough busy day at work, specifically so he can wait for the evening where Bruce finally has a single moment to himself in a bar somewhere to relax, and then he busts in loudly sitting down next to Bruce and talking non-stop while ordering a drink, thinking that Bruce is going to be mad because this was his one peaceful moment and Dick ruined it by constantly tracking him. but instead the second Bruce realises Dick’s there all his exhaustion disappears. he gets a really wide genuinely pleased look on his face and happily offers to buy Dick a drink because ‘it’s so rare that they get to hang out!’ and Dick is left floundering because he was trying to be an asshole but now he just feels bad that he doesn’t spend time with Bruce outside of patrol business.
Tim keeps watching him through security cameras and updating him through text on his location in an attempt to make him tired of the constant supervision, but every time he texts Bruce like ‘you just walked into starbucks for the second time today.’ Bruce will just openly smile at his phone and respond like ‘would you like me to get you a drink? i can drop it off at your office if you’d like :)’ and Tim has to give up almost immediately.
essentially i like the idea of the batkids trying to annoy Bruce with themselves, forgetting that Bruce is just a dad who really loves his kids and can’t ever be annoyed by them.
Damian takes after his dad. He knew what his brothers were doing and knew Bruce would love it. He genuinely views Bruce chipping him like he views him chipping his pets. It’s a sign of care and love.
^^ Also Pragmatism. They DO get into a Lot Of Shit. Those chips will save their asses several times over apiece. Damian sees the Logic, just as it applies to the animals under his own care.
The Annoyance is only over carelessly Interrupting things, really, not the chip or chip checking itself. (Occasionally the Lectures, but if he HAD gotten trapped or something the same chips that let B discover he went adventuring when he wasn't supposed to would have let his Father Find Him for rescue, so. Cranky but still approving of the chips existing.)
fed up with Bruce tracking them/invading their privacy in the name of safety, i like to think the batkids pull an uno reverse and microchip Bruce while he’s passed out after a bad patrol injury. they start tracking his phone activity and texting him about wherever he is. bringing up things they know he’s searched for one his phone/people he’s been talking to, showing up at wherever he is during the day and interrupting him just to prove they always know where he is; just overall trying to annoy him the best they can.
issue is, Bruce is just so happy to see and talk to his kids at any point that he doesn’t even notice the breach of privacy, and the kids just end up feeling really awkward about how happy their dad is to see them.
Jason will bring up something in conversation with Bruce that was only privately relayed through texts between Bruce and a colleague, smirking because he knows Bruce is gonna be really paranoid about who’s watching his texts, except Bruce just smiles and happily chats with him for thirty minutes and he’s in a good mood all day because Jason willingly had a casual conversation with him, and when the JL ask why Batman’s in such a good mood at a meeting later that day Jason just goes bright red and doesn’t know what to say because he didn’t realise how much Bruce genuinely craves just catching up with him every now and then.
Dick will stalk him for weeks and wait until Bruce has a really tough busy day at work, specifically so he can wait for the evening where Bruce finally has a single moment to himself in a bar somewhere to relax, and then he busts in loudly sitting down next to Bruce and talking non-stop while ordering a drink, thinking that Bruce is going to be mad because this was his one peaceful moment and Dick ruined it by constantly tracking him. but instead the second Bruce realises Dick’s there all his exhaustion disappears. he gets a really wide genuinely pleased look on his face and happily offers to buy Dick a drink because ‘it’s so rare that they get to hang out!’ and Dick is left floundering because he was trying to be an asshole but now he just feels bad that he doesn’t spend time with Bruce outside of patrol business.
Tim keeps watching him through security cameras and updating him through text on his location in an attempt to make him tired of the constant supervision, but every time he texts Bruce like ‘you just walked into starbucks for the second time today.’ Bruce will just openly smile at his phone and respond like ‘would you like me to get you a drink? i can drop it off at your office if you’d like :)’ and Tim has to give up almost immediately.
essentially i like the idea of the batkids trying to annoy Bruce with themselves, forgetting that Bruce is just a dad who really loves his kids and can’t ever be annoyed by them.
okay okay so get this. when dick tries to irritate bruce by "invading his alone, brooding time" and gets an excited papabat instead, he kind of... stops in his tracks. why? because suddenly, this man, whom he's loved and hated so much throughout his life, suddenly looks so many years younger. he looks like the first time dick had ever seen him-- hopeful, fierce and driven by the desire to make Gotham a better place. He sees bruce 20 years younger when he geared up, not with a detached, cold precision but smiling and joking with an eight-year-old orphan boy fluttering around his ankles in his new cape. he realizes suddenly how much has changed, how much time has passed. how Gotham's playboy now has a family of eight bright children who are more than just the billionaire's kids. but one thing is for sure-- they're bruce's and bruce has no idea how to display his love but loves them so fiercely that it burns him again and again. dick never talks about this with any of the other batkids but one can see, in the way dick would smile wide and soft when he talk gently with bruce, that, to him, this thing about "Pester B with All You Got" was no longer a game but a real show of his love.
Tim, walking into the Batcave and noticing everyone’s distraught appearance: What’s wrong?? Who died??
Stephanie: We have bad news Tim. You should sit down.
Tim: Oh shit did someone actually die?? Who was it this time?
Dick: Remember that civilian that we catch trailing after us every so often? The one who was involved in the Penguin incident awhile ago?
Tim: Oh. Clarissa O’Neal? What about her?
Damian: She was taken hostage by one of Black Masks henchmen. We didn’t make it in time to save her.
Tim: ? And that’s why you guys are so upset? C’mon guys lighten up, it’s movie night
Jason, getting visibly pissed: What the Fuck dude. A civilian we were close to fucking died because we didn’t make it in time
Dick: I know you didn’t like her much but show a bit of empathy Timmy. You usually take these situations seriously
Tim: I’ve been trying to kill her off for ages. Why would I be upset??
Steph: Tim you have 10 seconds to fix your attitude before i fix it for you
Jason: Since when do you take people’s lives so lightly? Dude you need to leave before I do something i regret.
Tim: I didn’t know you guys were so attached to her. I could revive her if you want, but honestly it’s more effort than it’s worth. And she was getting unwanted attention from the rogues so she had to go.
Damian: Revive?? Timothy what are you on about? And why are you saying that like you personally set up her demise?
Tim: Because I did? The planning for it took forever but I have to admit everything went a lot better than I was expecting.
Dick: TIM WHAT—
Jason: WHAT THE HELL—
Damian: MURDER? You?!
Steph, screaming over everyone else: WAIT SHUT UP
Steph: TIM NO YOU DID NOT
Steph: TIM DON’T TELL ME YOU DID IT AGAIN
Dick: Again?!? What are you talking about?!
Steph, laughing: Guys calm down. HE was Clarissa
Tim: You guys didn’t know??
Jason: HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THE HISPANIC LOOKING WOMEN IN HER MID TWENTIES AND A CRIME ALLEY ACCENT WAS YOU
Dick: Tim i am THIS CLOSE to burning down your disguise room.
Damian: Timothy explain yourself
Tim: I had an undercover op that I needed a female field agent for a couple years ago to infiltrate penguins operations. Over time She became a bit too important and Black mask was threatening her. So I decided to kill her off. I got the info I needed already and it was becoming a bit of a drag keeping up appearances
Steph: You need to stop getting us emotionally invested in your aliases and then killing them off. This is the fourth time you did this to me. I’ll never forgive you for Alvin Draper, I still grieve him even though i know you’re alive!
Tim: YOU guys need to start recognizing me in disguise. Worlds greatest detectives MY ASS
Jason: DUDE YOU GAVE YOURSELF DOUBLE D’s WHY WOULD WE ASSUME THAT WAS YOU
Damian: My training in this area has been neglected. Timothy show me your disguise lair
Tim: Sure, after movie night. Let’s go
Dick: This is gonna bite us in the ass. Damian is already so good at impressions. We will never know if someone we are talking to is him or not
Tim: LMAO When i’m done with him? Yea everyone’s fucked
Steph: It’s gonna give Roger from American dad
Bruce from the corner: *Breathes a sigh of relief*
Bruce at the Batcomputer: *Sighs and moves Clarissa O’Neal from ‘Real Civilian Death’ folder to ‘Tim’s Fake Identities’ folder. Creates new folder labeled ‘Damian’s Fake Identities’
“Batman wishes I was dead.” Jason no, baby, he just wants you to stop cutting random dude’s heads off in the middle of the night in Gotham. And not even because he disagrees with you, but because Batman is the one Jim Gordon calls to come deal with the mysterious cut-off heads at 5:00 am. That man just got off patrol and now he’s gotta go look at some bloodstained duffel bag in the Narrows with Jim Gordon who’s hitting his emotional support vape like it’s an oxygen mask. Bruce can’t stand the smell of cotton candy. Do you see where I’m going with this, Jason?
#things James Gordon would say for 500 (via @sillybirdhole)
no but really, how long do you think Jason runs around being Red Hood before Jim Gordon corners him one night, sucks on his vape hard enough to make Jason genuinely worried for his lung health, and says "you know...your old man's gettin' real tired" and Jason instantly does the whole "oh so he's tired of pretending to care about me when--" and Jim cuts him off, waving. hits his vape again for an alarming amount of time, exhales pure 100% cotton candy into the night, and says "I mean tired. like he isn't sleeping." and Jason shrugs all "well what do you want me to do about that?" and Jim Gordon turns around, looks him directly in the eyes of his helmet, raises his vape up and says "stop fucking killing people and cutting their heads off in the middle of the night" like it's obvious. which, it kinda is. the man is TIRED. and Jim Gordon is tired of Batman being tired around him. it's making them both exhausted. like oh boy, another duffel bag of cut-off heads! what a mystery! and it's fuckin' gross. it's gross and it's not even an actual complex crime for them to solve and yet. yet. they are getting up out of bed -- scratch that, they're not even going to bed before this -- to come deal with this bullshit. middle of the night, random stinking warehouse. every. single. goddamned. time. so when Jim Gordon says Batman cares about you, he means he is the only one other than me who's patient enough to deal with your dumbass cut-off heads at three in the morning. STOP. fucking. cutting. off. HEADS.
Since I lost my voice and sound like a squeaky toy (really hoarse and keeps breaking sentences apart) I’m passing it onto SY
Beast peak lord SY getting sick and it leaves his throat hurting having to attend a meeting where SQH (XF) keeps laughing at him (he tried to hold it in but he’s losing his shit) and SY won’t clarify why until YQY asked him a direct question and SY has to put his face in his hands and answer with half of a voice.
Everyone looks at him and SY is so red while SQH’s laughing so hard that he falls out of his seat to clutch his stomach slam his fist against the ground. He’s like “why don’t you tell them WHY your throat like that” and SY just stands up and gets ready to beat SQH (to death/silly) with his BARE HANDS.
—
Anyways beast peaklord SY Svsss au may or may not be expanded on later today. I’ve already written about one before (from an ask) but I wanna write one of my own with a twist :3
What's sort of funny about what is, as far as I've observed, the commonest reaction to Charlotte Lucas accepting Mr. Collins's proposal, is that people tend to think think they're being very mindful of the historical realities surrounding marriage when they say that Charlotte did the right thing & Elizabeth was needlessly judgemental—and yet I think "Charlotte did the right thing & Elizabeth was needlessly judgemental" is a take that's, like, dramatically out of phase with Regency ideas about (and realities surrounding) marriage.
I don't quite know how to organise this post but here are my thoughts:
1. "Elizabeth Bennet represents romantic idealism; Charlotte Lucas represents pragmatism"
This take usually has reference to Elizabeth's younger age, as something that is causing or allowing her to be idealistic.
This take I regard as purely nonsense. Elizabeth never says or implies that she will only marry for "love." She says something of this sort in a couple of the adaptations—but it doesn't appear anywhere in the novel.
For another thing: if the point of this character comparison were that Elizabeth demanded erotic, romantic love, while Charlotte was happy merely with a practical arrangement, wouldn't Mr. Collins's characterisation be very different? He would be a reasonable, sensible, respectable man, who was nevertheless very boring. Elizabeth might respect, but not love or feel attraction to him, and would make it clear that she was rejecting him for this reason.
This isn't the case. Elizabeth rejects him because she doesn't respect him, and she sees all of his pompousness, selfishness, and ridiculousness; Charlotte accepts him despite the fact that she doesn't respect him, and has pretty much the same opinion that Elizabeth does of his mind. The disagreement between them isn't about whether they need to love their husband to be content, but whether they need to respect him.
2. What does Elizabeth think of Charlotte's engagement?
Elizabeth doesn't merely act like what Charlotte is doing is too self-sacrificing, or unpleasant, or boring, or not what she (Elizabeth) would do. She acts like it is indelicate, improper, and even immoral. Whether or not you agree with Elizabeth is of course up to you—I just want to try to lay out why, in her historical context, she thinks this way, because I don't think I've ever seen anybody address it.
What does Elizabeth think about this engagement (and remember, in her defence, that she never actually says any of this to Charlotte 😅)? She implies that accepting Mr. Collins means that Charlotte is lacking in "merit" or "sense." Jane advises her to "be ready to believe, for every body’s sake, that she may feel something like regard and esteem for our cousin”—but Elizabeth rejects this idea, as she believes that Charlotte's "understanding" precludes her from feeling "regard" for Mr. Collins. She tells Jane:
"Mr. Collins is a conceited, pompous, narrow-minded, silly man: you know he is, as well as I do; and you must feel, as well as I do, that the woman who marries him cannot have a proper way of thinking. You shall not defend her, though it is Charlotte Lucas. You shall not, for the sake of one individual, change the meaning of principle and integrity, nor endeavour to persuade yourself or me, that selfishness is prudence, and insensibility of danger security for happiness."
So Elizabeth thinks Charlotte accepting Mr. Collins is a decision that shows a want of "merit," "principle," and "integrity"; she rejects the idea that accepting Mr. Collins is a prudent choice (i.e. she does not believe that Charlotte has made a pragmatic decision); she thinks it is an improper, a selfish, and a dangerous choice.
3. What is the danger in marrying a man you don't respect?
"Dangerous" in what respect? Charlotte is in "danger" of what, exactly?
Elizabeth is speaking guardedly, but a clue to what she means can be found in Mr. Bennet's wariness about Elizabeth marrying Mr. Darcy, when he believes she doesn't respect him:
"I know your disposition, Lizzy. I know that you could be neither happy nor respectable, unless you truly esteemed your husband, unless you looked up to him as a superior. Your lively talents would place you in the greatest danger in an unequal marriage. You could scarcely escape discredit and misery. My child, let me not have the grief of seeing you unable to respect your partner in life. You know not what you are about.”
So we see a theme of suitable versus unsuitable marriages in Pride and Prejudice. In the repetition of the word "esteem," a comparison is perhaps being drawn between Charlotte's engagement to Mr. Collins, and Elizabeth's engagement to Mr. Darcy; in Mr. Bennet's emphasis on the word "you," a comparison is certainly being drawn between his engagement to Miss Gardiner and Elizabeth's engagement to Mr. Darcy.
But I digress. The "danger" for a woman in a marriage that is unequal as to sense and understanding, wherein she does not respect or esteem her husband, is that she will face a temptation to lose her "credit" (basically, her reputation) and enter into a state of "misery," by engaging in an adulterous affair. (Here we might consider Maria and Mr. Rushworth.) A woman's affections, her mind, her ambitions and energies, her sexual pleasure and activity, are (by this way of thinking) only to be routed through the conduit of her home life in a heterosexual, reproductive marriage. Any other state of affairs (no pun intended) is an assault against religion, morality, and the very fabric of society.
As a piece of nonfictional context here, The Lady's Miscellany for February, 1812 includes an article "Upon Female* Infidelity, and the Corruption of the Present Age," which, like P&P seems to, attributes the cause of female infidelity to an injudiciousness in choosing a husband to begin with. It should also give you a sense of what at least one contemporary thinker believes the stakes of adultery to be:
Marriage seems [by the ladies of the present times] to be sought for to be despised, and the conjugal oath is taken to be violated. Yet it is acknowledged on every hand, that adultery is an heinous crime, and that nothing tends in so great a degree to disfigure society. [...] Adultery is not only allowed to be a crime by all polished nations, but it has been classed as the next in atrocity to homicide. It is a theft, of all others, the most cruel. It is an outrage that may lead to assassination and murder. Nor indeed is there any excess so deplorable, to which it may not give rise. [...] The husband, when he is informed of the infidelities of his wife, loses all affection for her; and she has already renounced all love to him. For her children she entertains no maternal tenderness; and her husband disdains an issue that is spurious. The children [...] grow up without education, and without manners; and when of age they are thrown upon the world to dirturb their fellow creatures, and to add to human calamity and wretchedness. The pleasures which the Almighty has annexed to the marriage-bed, are the means of multiplying the human species; and this effect is the certain consequence of marriage when regulated by virtue. On the contrary, irregular loves and disorderly embraces are pernicious to population. They produce barrenness; and while they lead to remorse and shame, they diminish the numbers of mankind.
So women who "seek for" marriage without having the appropriate reverence either for their husbands or for the institution, are in danger of violating the conjugal oath, which is immoral, and leads to the degeneration of all of society (maybe it sounds silly to put it like that—but remember that the modern attitude towards "cheaters" and "home-wreckers" is not precisely positive...). And Charlotte does, indeed, meet the description of a woman who wishes to be married despite not having a high opinion of her husband, or the institution of matrimony:
Charlotte herself was tolerably composed. She had gained her point, and had time to consider of it. Her reflections were in general satisfactory. Mr. Collins, to be sure, was neither sensible nor agreeable: his society was irksome, and his attachment to her must be imaginary. But still he would be her husband. Without thinking highly either of men or of matrimony, marriage had always been her object: it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and, however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want.
*The title perhaps addresses female infidelity in particular because it is printed in a magazine intended to be read by young ladies; the text of the article does also lambast the immorality of "men of fashion," and call for "both sexes" to preserve their "virtue."
4. But why esteem your husband "as a superior"?
cw: misogyny, domestic violence, implication of marital SA
Wives must obey their husbands in every respect, unless their husband orders them to do something which goes against a higher law—namely, that of God. It is ordained by religion ("your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you"), and by morality, and by nature, and whatever, that wives are naturally, rightly, justly, and properly in a state of religious, moral, and legal subjection to their husbands. When Eve sinned by attempting to gain preeminence over Adam, this subjection was the punishment. A husband ought to avoid giving orders his wife finds insupportable, if he can; he may choose to yield in trifles for the sake of domestic peace, or because he's a real nice guy, or because he's improperly weak (depending on the opinion of the writer in question)—but the final decision always rests with him, as a matter of the law.
Henry Venn, in The complete duty of man or, A system of doctrinal & practical Christianity (1811), writes:
If it be urged, that the wife has frequently more understanding and ability to govern than the husband, and on this account ought to be excused from living in subjection, the answer is obvious: she hath liberty to use her superior wisdom in giving counsel. But if her advice is not accepted, subjection is her duty. Suppose a servant, as is often the fact, endued with more capacity than his master, would it not be insufferable insolence, should he urge this as a reason for refusing to be any longer under control, which, on another account, was indisputably his duty, viz. from his station in life? An attempt, therefore, to gain the ascendency is an attempt to subvert the order which the sovereign Giver of all wisdom has appointed. Base return for his bounty! The Christian rule is positive against such an usurping spirit: the command is, "Let the wife see that she reverence her husband." In opposition to natural pride, let her carefully check the first desire to have her own will, and see she be not wanting in submission; for this behaviour is most becoming a woman professing godliness. Let her remember that God, the author of the marriage state, has appointed this subordination.
You owe your husband your obedience, and have pledged it to him before man and God. Your only choice is the choice of husband in the first place—your only power is the power of veto. If you did not feel that your husband merited your obedience, and was suited to be to you what Christ is to the Church ("For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church")—the intermediary between yourself and God, the person who is charged with ensuring your understanding of and compliance with the precepts of religion, your Saviour—then your chance of not electing him to that position was before you married.
You cannot file for divorce unless you can prove desertion or cruelty (and the bar here is high—your husband is allowed to inflict "corporal chastisement" for your own good if you are disobedient). Even then, you cannot remarry—once you have gotten married, you have chosen your one and only sexual partner for life, unless he dies. You owe him your body, you need a very exceptionally good reason to deny him that right, and you cannot re-transfer that right to anybody else while he lives.
This is why young ladies are advised so particularly to mind that any man they accept be virtuous, industrious, sober, & without a colourful past.
I think it's also why Jane urges Elizabeth to "Consider Mr. Collins’s respectability, and Charlotte’s prudent, steady character." Mr. Collins is at least not likely to physically harm his wife, or drink to excess, or gamble away household funds; and Charlotte is too "steady" to be likely to engage in an adulterous affair. She's telling Elizabeth that at least the most dramatically bad effects of an unequal (in terms of sense and understanding) marriage are unlikely to apply here.
The point remains, though, that Charlotte does not believe Mr. Collins to be capable of guiding her, or even collaborating with her, in her religion, her housekeeping, childrearing, or any other aspect of life. She knows him to be her inferior in understanding, and yet is electing him to be her superior according to the law and the Church.
For Henry Venn, when husbands are not obliged to rule over their wives with "benign influence," but find their wives sensible enough that they may collaborate in religion, then
Their spiritual good will be a chief and mutual concern. They will be tender-hearted inspectors of each other's conduct, meekly correcting errors, which unnoticed would have struck root, or pointing out faults before they are confirmed into habits. [...] As the nuptial union gives the parties much influence to be either greatly serviceable or hurtful to each other's eternal interests, they must look upon themselves as bound in conscience to use all their weight against the corruptions of the heart, against pride, unbelief, and wordly lusts, through which their salvation is most endangered.
But Mr. Collins is too prideful to accord with these precepts, and too foolish to be corrected in this way. When Charlotte is able to influence his behaviour, it is through more underhanded means, and is usually in an effort to avoid his company (encouraging him to be out in his garden; choosing for her sitting-room a room which he does not value).
This is the kind of context we have to keep in mind when evaluating Elizabeth's statement that "the woman who marries [Mr. Collins] cannot have a proper way of thinking." Mr. Collins is not competent to the role of spiritual guide: the woman who marries him either believes that he is so competent, and is thus lacking in "understanding"; or she marries him even though she knows that he is not so competent, and is thus lacking in "integrity" (because she swears her obedience despite knowing she may be unable to keep the oath).
My argument isn't so much that Elizabeth necessarily believes women's subjugation to be natural and right—rather that, since the reality is that you are legally obligated to obey this man (and to have sex with him), it is more sensible, more moral, and more practical and prudent (!!!) to select a man you have a reasonable chance of being able to abide doing those things with. It saves you the trouble, and the dishonesty, involved in trying to finagle your way around a husband you don't respect.
5. Does P&P agree with Elizabeth?
Hopefully you can see that "the implied author's perspective," "Elizabeth's perspective," and "the reader's perspective" are all different things. In this post I have tried to explain (as I see it) what Elizabeth's position is and why: this is distinct from arguing that P&P argues that Elizabeth is right, which is distinct again from saying that I think Elizabeth is right.
What do we know about P&P's perspective on Charlotte's marriage? We have the above-quoted Mr. Bennet conversation. We have a pattern of equal marriages contracted through mutual respect and esteem, in which each partner may influence the other for the better (the Gardiners, the Bingleys, the Darcys); and unequal marriages, contracted for reasons of lust, pride, security, acquisitiveness, or social climbing (the Bennets, the Wickhams, the Hursts, the Collinses).
Regarding Wickham's courtship of Mary King, it is said that:
The sudden acquisition of ten thousand pounds was the most remarkable charm of the young lady to whom he was now rendering himself agreeable; but Elizabeth, less clear-sighted perhaps in this case than in Charlotte’s, did not quarrel with him for his wish of independence. Nothing, on the contrary, could be more natural; and, while able to suppose that it cost him a few struggles to relinquish her, she was ready to allow it a wise and desirable measure for both, and could very sincerely wish him happy. (emphasis mine)
This might support the case that the implied author feels Elizabeth to be seeing clearly when it comes to Charlotte—then again, it may mostly emphasise her lack of clear-sightedness when it comes to Wickham. But either way, the implication seems to be that this sort of "prudence" without affection is not wise or desirable, and Elizabeth is not seeing clearly when she thinks it is. In Wickham's case, but not in Charlotte's, Elizabeth is fooled into thinking that "selfishness is prudence."
We know Mrs. Gardiner to be a sensible woman, to whom Elizabeth and Jane owe much of their own good conduct. Mrs. Gardiner does not seem to approve of Wickham's engagement:
“But, my dear Elizabeth,” she added, “what sort of girl is Miss King? I should be sorry to think our friend mercenary.” “Pray, my dear aunt, what is the difference in matrimonial affairs, between the mercenary and the prudent motive? Where does discretion end, and avarice begin? Last Christmas you were afraid of his marrying me, because it would be imprudent; and now, because he is trying to get a girl with only ten thousand pounds, you want to find out that he is mercenary.” “If you will only tell me what sort of girl Miss King is, I shall know what to think.” “She is a very good kind of girl, I believe. I know no harm of her.” “But he paid her not the smallest attention till her grandfather’s death made her mistress of this fortune?” “No—why should he? If it were not allowable for him to gain my affections, because I had no money, what occasion could there be for making love to a girl whom he did not care about, and who was equally poor?” “But there seems indelicacy in directing his attentions towards her so soon after this event.” “A man in distressed circumstances has not time for all those elegant decorums which other people may observe. If she does not object to it, why should we?” “Her not objecting does not justify him. It only shows her being deficient in something herself—sense or feeling.”
Everyone, including Elizabeth, admits that Wickham does not care about Mary King. His match with her is not, to Mrs. Gardiner, better than his match with Elizabeth would have been. For Miss King to accept him even with the evidence before her that he does not care for her (i.e., he switched from Elizabeth to Marry after she gained a fortune) means that she is not thinking or behaving rightly. This is pretty much what Elizabeth thought of Charlotte for accepting Mr. Collins—who also switched his affections, in a short period of time, from Elizabeth to her (& recall that Charlotte feels Mr. Collins does not really care for her). It seems like, for Mrs. Gardiner to approve of a marriage, we need both: the partners need to respect or care for each other (Mrs. G does not say which); and the couple need something to live on. All of the "good" marriages in P&P meet these requirements.
We do not, however, see Charlotte Collins sinking into distress and misery. P&P is a novel uninterested in real, lasting calamity (even Lydia manages to cling onto respectability). When Elizabeth sees Charlotte in Kent, we read that:
[The Parsonage] was rather small, but well built and convenient; and everything was fitted up and arranged with a neatness and consistency, of which Elizabeth gave Charlotte all the credit. When Mr. Collins could be forgotten, there was really a great air of comfort throughout, and by Charlotte’s evident enjoyment of it, Elizabeth supposed he must be often forgotten. [...] Elizabeth, in the solitude of her chamber, had to meditate upon Charlotte’s degree of contentment, to understand her address in guiding, and composure in bearing with, her husband, and to acknowledge that it was all done very well.
In the end, Charlotte is making the best of a bad situation. When she reflects that marriage "was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune, and, however uncertain of giving happiness, must be their pleasantest preservative from want," it is an acknowledgement that, however desirable it may be for women who don't have a high opinion of men or matrimony to get married, it isn't always practicable, because a genteel woman making any other provision for herself (e.g., by going into service, or doing sex work) is varying degrees of un-respectable or dishonourable.
6. In Summation
Elizabeth does not see the decision of accepting Mr. Collins as a decision between romance and practicality. Romance doesn't enter into her thoughts here, and she does not think that accepting Mr. Collins would be a practical thing to do.
The ideological / historical context of Elizabeth's world helps to explain why she thinks this. Other characters seem to agree with Elizabeth (Mr. Bennet; Mrs. Gardiner; even Jane, when trying to make the best of the situation, does so by arguing "that [Charlotte] may feel something like regard and esteem for our cousin," not that it doesn't matter whether she does).
The novel arguably does something to present this as a societal problem, rather than only a result of Charlotte being individually lacking in sense.
Liu Qingge accidentally collecting a bunch of demon wives/husbands and unknowingly having a harem just by his sword first words later mindset, and after YQY realizes that LQG has actually been gone for a while, longer than even his usual and summons him back, LQG sends back a letter that he can't go back to the sect yet because he's being followed by a demonic army and he wouldn't bring that danger to the sect, in his usual as-less-words-as-possible, so YQY sends WQW and QQQ to extract him if he's somehow having problems.
They come back with the discovery that no shixiong it isn't an attack, somehow, well it sort of is sometimes, and sometimes they leave beast heads somewhere close to LQG -that LQG would reciprocate because did they think he would be threatened by just that, boom here's the head of a more dangerous beast-, but they're not harassing humans especially after LQG kills whoever does it, but they just keep building a perimeter around LQG and only point at their martial brother when they're demanded to speak with their leader. Otherwise they pointedly ignore QQQ and WQW, or at least they did after that initial fight to get to their martial brother by cutting through a bunch of demons.
Also shixiong! Shixiong! They would point Liu-shidi to a hunting ground and Liu-shidi would listen and head there that fucking idiot!
And actually maybe we should send someone with diplomatic skills so they send SQH for the actual diplomacy and SQQ/SJ as the resident demon expert (SQH would've been fine on his own but they don't know that) since maybe this is some kind of tradition or ritual.
The two arrive.
They fight their way through the perimeter.
Talk to Liu-shidi as much as anyone could talk to that guy.
They observe.
The two spend quite a while just cackling at their shidi after they explain to him that actually, you courted a bunch of demons and built a hundred numbered harem, oh you shameless and lustful man, you heartbreaker!
The two rush back to brainstorm a solution and more importantly tell their martial sibling and Liu Qingge will never ever hear the end of this.
Yue Qingyuan includes this in the Bai Zhan curriculum.
i mean hes not that far off, just a few days too early
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