TRIGGER WARNING- DV. THIS IS TO SPREAD AWARENESS FOR SURVIVORS
Your new life will cost you your old one, but it may just be what you need.
When I left, it wasn’t after the first time he’d hurt me. It wasn’t the second, or third even. I did leave the first time he hit me in front of my children though. It wasn’t immediate. I had a plan to take them with me, everything tucked away because after the hell I escaped that he fucking knew about before we were together, I knew where it would eventually lead… Then he got attacked. And I felt fear for his life because a dog attack is traumatic. It was more traumatic trying to deal with two kids and advocate for him when the hospital caused medical neglect. It would have been the perfect escape and ticket out, and the boys would never have to grow up where they thought screaming, violating boundaries, and getting physical with anyone was love- whether they took it from a partner or continued the cycle and did that to the person they were dating. Then not only could I have gotten a massive payout, but I’d have been a widow so I could avoid the bad questions and not have to become the villain in order to make sure my kids are taken care of and I can advocate for them.
Now I know what you’re thinking- ‘oh but if he’s really that abusive then you’re fucking selfish and left your kids in danger’ but what you don’t get is that there was no way at all for me to safely leave with them. He’d have never let me and it would’ve burned bridges from those that don’t understand that still offer financial stability for my kids. It isn’t a lie and I live with that fear every day that he’ll one day do the same thing to them…. But for now, they’re young and for all intents and purposes, he may be a horrible partner but a somewhat safe dad. It’s safer for them to have the support from his family financially and a physical place of stability while I work hard to finish school, prove consistent therapy, and have a way to make sure I can meet on equal footing. Word to the wise, if you’re a past DV survivor, never tell your partner if you can because they may use it against you later to claim you’re a liar, or that you’re the unstable one after pushing you to the point of dysregulation.
“Oh, but he rarely hit you and most of the time when he restrained you, it was because he was ‘fearful’ you’d hurt yourself.” What the actual fuck do you people expect from someone who is autistic, physically trapped from leaving before things escalate, pushed around, someone screaming in your face of all the past traumas you’re still dealing with? If your brain goes into that place, you can’t always see reason and self harm is a means to an end to escape because there are legit no other options. I will say to my credit, I never did this in front of my children ever and it was very rarely dire. But tattoos are expensive, so you can only do so many before old habits resurface (if you know, you know). And to set the record straight, there were plenty of times he would try to hide the keys, wrench keys from my hands, try to get inside the vehicle, block my ability to leave, etc. where there was zero reason for it all so he could continue to threaten me about abandoning the kids because he legit wouldn’t let me take them. Better to abandon them than have it be a civil case.
This isn’t to say that I am entirely blameless, and I could have done a lot differently looking back. When I made the choice to advocate on his behalf, it was almost okay-ish again for a little bit. I had gotten into college and was fast-tracking courses so I could graduate ASAP after losing my job back at the end of 2023 just a few months before he got attacked. I think he still resented that I wasn’t jumping back into the job world, but I wasn’t going to go from making 17/hr to barely minimum wage (which was like 13 at the time) because it was too much wear and tear since I would be going from working from home to having to physically commute and we just couldn’t afford it. Plus again, I was in college. I am getting a bachelor’s in less than 2 years and will graduate magna cum laude. In order to continue in my same field, a bachelor’s was required because of the type of work I did.
Things got worse when he returned to work and the lawsuits weren’t going anywhere because everyone dropped the ball and he wasn’t willing to continue with anything. As soon as I had an exit plan, I took it. I made sure to set my kids up for exactly 6 months. I moved things around and focused on education… And I was hoping that we could use this as a period of separation to work through shit but he saw it as me ‘partying’ and living while he was stuck raising my kids when he was the one who said they couldn’t come until I had secured a better situation. He completely dropped the ball and drained my finances hoping to flush me out. But by taking away from me, I couldn’t pay for things I was paying before like the car payment and insurance. And the fucked up thing, is that I didn’t make anything while he was getting a ton of money each month from his grandmother because when he got let go, he decided he was too disabled for even a part time desk job. I had no clue how large the amount was until she told me.
By this point, I was already overseas and trying to make things work. He cheated and thought I would be too stupid to know about it. And the fights continued, perhaps on larger scales now. His abuse was a lot more obvious. All I could think was ‘hey, he’s not safe long term for the kids, he won’t get help, he won’t change, and even if this relationship stays as more toxic like my parents’ one instead of the full blown abuse I suffered with a fucking gun against my temple I can’t let myself go through this again or leave my kids in it.’ So yeah, I cheated too. And I was honest about it and made to feel guilty about it while he played the victim.
But what no one gets is that he’s very jealous and insecure and already was accusing me, so may as well have fun with it. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. And, given his specific issues, I thought it would be the easiest way for him to finally let me go. Sadly, it has gotten even worse; he’s just dropped the pretenses and other people are starting to slowly notice the cracks in the facade. For now, I keep my distance for my safety and so I still have access to my kids while also making sure that for the most part their basic needs are covered in the best capacity that I can.
If I could go back in time, I would have made different choices. I would have never let him adopt my eldest, who was a product of rape but that’s a trauma dump for another day, I would never have had my youngest, and I would’ve never looked back after getting that abortion. When he and I first got together, my birth control failed. I was still legally married, had barely just gotten over postpartum, and it was a huge mess. I chose that because I didn’t want him to have a say and I didn’t want another kid. It was a good thing I did because it turns out it was ectopic, but yeah… I’m sure he doesn’t believe that and he’s hated me ever since. He still bought an engagement ring and did all the things after this… and we were very early in the relationship so I should have listened to that red flag. He convinced me that a bio kid was safer for my eldest because the courts wouldn’t take him away from a ‘stable’ home… What a joke. He played me and I fell for it.
I will admit, I never wanted kids. I love my boys more than anything in the world, but I wish they had never been born, solely because it put them right in the middle of traumatic situations with me that they never should have to be part of. I can’t protect them from it. I can minimize impact and damage as I can, but to know they’re going through a lot of pain because of this situation will forever make me sick because my one job as a parent is to give them better than what I had, not repeat cycles or cause more damage/trauma, and keep them safe. But I can’t even do that. Even though I am physically out and much better off, therefore so are they, I am still in the thick of it with no way out in sight. Everyday I wake up wondering if I have to choose between getting to eat and a roof over my head or try to pay something on the car so they have a way to get to school/doctor/grocery store…. And I am losing that battle quickly, so he’ll have more time to paint me as the selfish bitch who ruined his life and abused him as well as the kids and because of my choices I am not a fit parent. It’s been soooo fun to deal with that bullshit while he parades around like a martyr.
Well, in life, there’s nothing heroic about martyrdom because life isn’t a fairytale. So lessons learned… Even still, I don’t regret leaving because at least he didn’t have a chance to hit me again, especially in front of them like he did the first time. I am forever grateful that I physically escaped even if I am not truly free or safe. So long as I can make sure my kids take as little of this mess as possible.
So yeah. Your new life will absolutely cost you your old one and you will be forced to make impossible choices, but in the end, to break the cycle of domestic violence and come out alive at the end is worth it. I hope you get the chance to be happy, healthy, and free, even if your story looks a lot like mine or worse in what you have to give up to survive…
Thank you for listening and helping to spread awareness. Remember to be kind and respectful, because you never know the storm someone is weathering in silence.
