were god to come up to me on the street i think he would say hey do you want to paint with me i got some cool new colors i just dreamed up and i think you're gonna love em. and i don't know what i would say. i might say "why do i deserve to be the first person to see a brand new color, i am not that special" and he might reply "everyone else will see it at the same time because we are a planet, a collective, and a blessing" or maybe something like "idk you were having a hard day and i thought it might cheer you up, plus im dropping them soon anyway lol" or even "you are deserving because you are alive" and then i don't know what i would do after that. i think i would cry or i would ask him did you really kill my abusive dad for me like i prayed for every night and i am more confident about his response to that, which would be "yeah bc he sucked". i think god would give me an easel and even if i drew a stick figure he'd be like "this is insanely good and if i had a fridge i'd put it on there next to every beautiful thing humanity has ever made which is everything" but i'd end up fingerpainting a landscape of a better world or something, because i really want to impress him you know, hes god, i gotta put some effort into this painting, but then he takes me aside and says "i appreciate that you think i'm cool but even the people we admire cry sometimes" and then he would say "hey do you wanna see what i made" and i would look and see something that language hasn't invented words for yet and won't do so until like 2250, he says. every hue swirls around in my iris and steams up like the cup of coffee i was on my way to get when he took me aside. do you like it. it's future flavored (limited edition). and i will tell him why do you make suffering? and he will say that money was never supposed to exist in the first place but bc humans have free will they went "a little wild with that one" and he's going to release a patch that fixes it soon. i don't know if i'll believe him but i have always had faith and i'm trying to be an optimist here. i spend so much time waiting for people to abandon and reject and hurt me that it's time i try this cool newfangled idea called trusting. i will tell him this and he will give me the cup of coffee i wanted and the next time i walk into the coffee shop the customer in front of me buys me a drink and asks me to pay it forward and winks at me and i see for a split second eyeshadow and eyeliner in a color i can't quite name.
