âThe greatest new beginning you can create for yourself is to begin to love yourself for who you are.â
   Being young means doubting yourself. When youâre in a place where you begin to think you know yourself, but you canât be sure because you donât yet know the world, it can be hard to put a definition to who you are. Sometimes those doubts show themselves as insecurities. Sometimes it means hating the way the thick thighs that run in your family rub together when you walk, other times it means worrying that every time you open your mouth to speak, someone somewhere is rolling their eyes. For me it meant feeling as though my dark complexion was a message to the world that I was not, and could not, be beautiful. Thoughts like that can weigh on you. How much of what you fear is true? Which insecurities did you create yourself and which were ingrained in you by a world that created a standard of perfection for you before you knew your own name?
    There are a lot of messages out there on self-love. Itâs become a popular message among young people today because itâs a defiance against everything that tells us we are âless thanâ and celebration of who we are. It can be so easy to get swept up in the movement that we begin to wear self-love as a title rather than practicing it as it should be. Self-love is more than just telling yourself that you are happy with who you are. Itâs a dynamic process of acknowledgment, discovery, improvement and, of course, love. I believe that the greatest new beginning you can create for yourself is to begin to love yourself for who you are.
    When I first learned what it meant to âself-loveâ I was bombarded with all sorts of pandering and at times misguided cliches that pressed me to accept who I was immediately and without question. Self love became a race rather than a journey and I often found myself wondering if any progress I was making was real or not. I was told no one would love or accept me until I learned to love myself and suddenly my self worth was measured by how much worth I had in the eyes of those around me. I was told that I should accept myself as I was, flaws and all, because I was perfect the way I was. This was not true. Had I accepted every one of my flaws and continued to be the person that I was, I would have come to love a lesser version than what I could be. I realized that self-love wouldnât come from a submission but from betterment of myself.
    The journey that comes along with making the decision to open yourself up to self-love is different for everyone. It can come through surrounding yourself with people who support you, educating yourself on the internalized prejudices that shaped your insecurities, creating a balance in your life, or simply by taking the time to appreciate the things in your life that make you happy. Self-love is a beautiful thing; itâs messy and emotional and sometimes, daunting, but itâs a discovery that gives you a chance to restart without reinventing. With self-love you can find yourself a new beginning.
âEverybody has bad days, whether itâs over something hugeâlike a failing gradeâor something as small as losing your favorite pen. A normal bad day, at its worst, can be fixed up with a good nightâs sleep and left forgotten in the adventures of the following day. With anxiety, every day is a bad day, for reasons that often donât make sense to anybody else, and leave you feeling isolated while your friends go on with their lives.â
I donât know when exactly the anxiety started for me, but I remember being nine when I had my first attack. I was sitting in the backseat with my parents blasting music in the front and the windows rolled down. I let my hand rest on the open window, thinking about nothing in particular and enjoying the breeze, when my mother pressed the button to roll my window back up. The pressure hit my fingers and I instantly pulled my hand away. I was, physically, completely safe, but the emotional trouble had only just begun. For the next fifteen minutes, my breathing was frantic and my head was racing with worries about my own mortality and losing my fingers. I never put my hand out of the safety of a car again.
Then, when I was in sixth grade, every day was a party and anxiety was the family friend that my parents forced me to bring along. Whenever something good happened, like somebody complimenting me, anxiety was there telling me that they were only doing it to make fun of me. I spent most of my time worried that every sound of laughter in the hallways was directed at me, that every scolding from a teacher was their way of hinting at how much they hated me. My head was constantly whirring with fears; fear of dying alone, of never accomplishing anything, of living my life penniless and unhappy. These fears continued to hover over everything I did until I was a junior in high school and decided that it was time to end my pity party and start living. Getting through the cloud of worry and fear wasnât easy, but with the proper coping mechanisms for when anxiety hits, it doesnât have to be impossible either.
Pamper yourself: This can be done in a variety of ways. Either through giving yourself a nice warm bubble bath with scented candles surrounding you or by giving yourself a nice relaxing facial. Taking the time to, âtreat yoâ selfâ will definitely pay off because at the end of this, you will feel reinvigorated and ready to take on whatever comes your way.
Listen to soothing music: Depending on what you listen to, music has the amazing ability to influence  an array of emotions . But in order to feel tranquil, find an artist with a smooth and comforting tone who can easily compel you into a relaxed state. Listening to soothing music can calm your mind and make you forget about the issues that were previously bothering you.
Ask a friend for advice: Hopefully you have a best friend that you can rely on; one who makes you feel good about yourself. Tell them whatâs going on and why it makes you feel this way or if you donât want to talk about the issue at hand see if theyâre available to go hang out with you. Hearing the same punch line three times in a row is bound to make you feel better.
Read your favorite book: Reading is an excellent way to distract yourself because nine times out of ten a well-written and interesting book will absorb your attention. Use a good book to take you away from your problems. Whether you want to go on a fantastical journey or spend some time with beloved characters, reading is one way to transport yourself into a world with a little less stress.
Watch cool D.I.Y videos on Youtube: There is literally a D.I.Y video for anything these days. If you ever wanted to learn how to make a scrumptious chocolate cake in your microwave or how to establish your own island nation there is a D.I.Y video waiting to cater to your needs. These videos range in duration but there is something oddly enchanting about watching someone assemble something from the most unconventional of resources. Plus you catch a surge of inspiration to begin a quick and exciting project where you get to reap the benefits of your minimum labor as soon as possible. So go ahead, kick back and watch someone show you how to establish your very own nation upon an uninhabited island. It might come in handy one of these days.
Make a cootie-catcher: Sometimes horoscopes can tell us the exact thing we donât want to hear and sometimes tarot cards can induce anxiety because of how equivocal they may be. But cootie catchers have fortunes made by you so you can put whatever the hell you want! You have your sights on marrying Avan Jogia? Then write that down on all eight panels and proceed to look him up on tumblr then marvel at his luscious locks until you feel better!
Go outside and admire the scenery: Spending so much time indoors can make one forget just how amazing it can feel to go outside and gaze upon the raw beauty that is the great outdoors. If things start to feel too hectic for you feel free to take a moment for yourself and go outside for a short time. You can go wherever you please, a blooming flower patch or take a trip to your nearest local Bodega, just make sure you take some time to focus on something other than thoughts that cause you stress. Extra points if you take pictures of the interesting things that you stumble upon that day. Â
Cleaning your room: When you're feeling anxious you often want to feel in control and cleaning your room is a great way to actively take charge of something. Cleaning helps to de-clutter physically and mentally and what better place to take charge of reorganizing your life than your own room?
Take a nap: Do you need to literally get away from your problems? Take a nap! Yes, it may seem like a lazy way out but in actuality, a good rest can help you feeling rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready to handle whatever was upsetting you. Your problems won't disappear when you wake up, but you'll have a different, well-rested mindset to work on easing your anxiety away.
Breathe: This one is simple and effective. Doing breathing exercises will help to ease your anxiety by calming your heartbeat and giving you something to focus on while you try to relax. No matter what's going on, you can always take a minute to breathe
Ask For Help: Sadly, sometimes these distractions are not enough to put your mind at ease and the pressing issues that plagued you remain in the backseat of your mind. When not even the wonders of D.I.Y videos and corny jokes from your best friend can help shake your anxiety then it is best to seek professional help. Reach out and speak to a well trusted best friend or adult, let them know what exactly is bothering you and they will be more than willing to help quell your fears. If you feel more comfortable confiding in someone you do not know there are handfuls of hotlines made available to you. Lifeline.org provides a hotline for people who are experiencing high amounts of anxiety. Youâll feel a weight lift from your shoulders after you take direct action to not find a temporary solution to your problems but instead a lasting one. Keep in mind though that everyone moves at a different pace so if you don't feel like opening up to someone, you are not forced to do so. If you find comfort in making cootie-catchers that foretell the future that you want to have then go ahead! In the end, always remember that the most important thing is your well-being and you should always do what you think is best for yourself.
âWhile lifeâs greatest disappointments and worst test grades and most conniving low-lifes lie waiting as one opens his/herself to the world, the best days lie ahead. The good, the ugly, and the pain all become worth it as your world becomes a part of you; and embracing it without barriers, loving it, you love yourself entirely.â
The mere words âback to schoolâ or their nightmarish derivatives âBack-2-Schoolâ or even âBack-2-Skoolâ incite most of the high school populationâs minds to begin creating an elaborate Snowden-esque escape route. These usually  involve fake accents, beautiful foreign women with daggers in their heels, and a love story with a radiant billionaire. Some just gag. I do both.
Nonetheless, nothing can prevent the future from becoming the present. Not a mind game, and certainly not chunks flying from most (or all) of  the holes in oneâs body. The facts have yet to become anything other than the facts. You WILL be deluged by reeking  Abercrombie and Fitch cologne literally greasing off the bodies of freshmen. You WILL play those dense âget to know the classâ games, even when you know way too much about the girl next to you. You WILL have at least one entirely daft teacher, lost beyond help on the seas of stupidity and spontaneity. But you will make friends. You will reconcile and mend broken relationships. You will laugh. You will make a fool of yourself, passionately and wildly. You will write at least one essay you carry to class with remorse, fully believing in your one-thousand-five-hundred-word-baby as you carry it before the threshold to be consumed by red pen and dozens of question marks. Still, it was yours, and you wouldn't change a thing about it.
I watched a video the other day about relationships, concerning platonic and amorous alike. The woman sweared that in order for a relationship to âwork,â one must love his/herself first before committing to the significant other. I thought about it. I thought about it even more on the subway, on the 1 Train, and in the shower before I went to sleep. I couldn't disagree more. Love isn't about comforts and safe-zones and red-tape. Love is taking risks and breaking down walls until those who love see each otherâs essence, without insecurities or fear. Of course, these risks being taken for someone or something you truly believe is worth the pain- since, regardless of whether they love you or not, you will continue to love them until they warp the image of what they once were and lose your affection. It is something that can't be stopped or undone. It is total surrender.
So, reader, I ask that you not be the hoodie-kid in the corner this year, either angry or  asleep, or the kid that can't shut up about GPAs and SATs. Make the decision within yourself to fall in love with the world around you, total surrender. Lose yourself in the assignment on statistics. Skip the biology homework assignment for the day and get out for some sushi with friends. Learn to play the cello. Lose yourself. Find yourself. Lose yourself again. Discover that life isn't just about books, people, SATs, coffee shops, Pink Floyd, and Central Park. Life is about all these things, flopped together and meshed in an array of colors on a canvas all your own. My greatest regret in life is holding my inhibitions and barriers so high that I couldn't see beyond myself. I was, as the lady proposed in the short video, entirely in love with myself. While lifeâs greatest disappointments and worst test grades and most conniving low-lifes lie waiting as one opens his/herself to the world, the best days lie ahead. The good, the ugly, and the pain all become worth it as your world becomes a part of you, and embracing it without barriers, loving it, you love yourself entirely.
On a warm summer afternoon coming home on the bus, the driver passed a set of broken down buildings in the Bronx, plain and red on the outside. Yet, one window caught my eye. It was set with at least five pots of flowers, and ivy was growing everywhere, as if there was a green explosion from the inside. It wasn't beautiful, and there was no attempt at order or arrangement. It was just there. Open your window, and let your flowers and vines grow, without barriers and without shame. The windows around you are tired and red and flustered, but open yourself up this year. You might be surprised at whose eye you will catch, and what revolutions youâll start.
Well, my real name is Jeleah but I like to go by Kimoma. I'm a 18 year old photographer and a full time college student based in NYC, I'm originally from Yonkers. Along with being a photographer, I am the founder of Art Shenanigans.
K: What Inspired you to start this project ?
My senior year of high school I got into an internship with the Arts of Westchester and one of the tasks was to create a photo essay. I was a little frustrated with the school system at the time because of all the regulations against arts in my high school and noticed that my school and my town had a lot of talent that went unseen, I created my photo essay Hidden Talent. With hidden talent, I followed around five of my friends and shadow them in their daily lives in their craft. I completed my photo essay and finished my internship but I still wanted to continue Hidden Talent. I met someone through Hidden Talent and became fairly close to them and the brought up the fact that we should collab a writer and a photographer and I suggested continuing Hidden Talent but under a different name and more visual. That is how Art Shenanigans began.
K: What is your goal in starting this project?
My goal with Art Shenanigans is to give every artist I see on their grind some spotlight. A video to reference when people ask about them and their craft. A interview for others to get inspired and want to grow as a person. Something for the world to enjoy and appreciate. Because all art should be appreciated.
K: Who are some of the artists you have worked with?
I've started Art Shenanigans with 8 artist. Paris Williams, an artist of every category--you name it--she makes it! Ashley Stuart, a model. Â Amon, a designer and H.O.D of Noma New York. Tamara, also known as P.J who is a poet and just recently featured on HBOs Brand New Voices. Fun, a spoken word artist, who holds open mic events at the end of each month. The Lion Kueen, a spoken word artist who tells her poetry on the train and also plays the drums and is currently getting into custom designing clothes. Jennesy, a spoken word artist who is also starting to dabble in film. Lastly, Briana, a photographer and also Television Production intern.
K: If you could work with/ interview any artist who would it be?
If I could work with any artist or interview them it'll have to be someone from my top five. Either Kanye West , The-Dream, Kid Cudi, Childish Gambino or Erykah Badu. All these artist inspire me and have a deep meaning to me so any chance with any of them, I would be grateful.
K: In five more years where do you see this project heading?
In five more years I see this project being completely established as a business. Artists coming to me wanting to be feature, possible merch being available. I would like to expand Art Shenanigans musically with written reviews and press passes for concerts. Just the ideal artist website where everything is fair and the artist has control. I'll want it be a big enough platform for the artist so they do get the proper exposure they deserve.
K: What role has art played in your life?
The role of art has played a huge part in my life because as a child I knew I was creative but I just didn't know how. I couldn't sing, I wasn't dedicated with dancing, couldn't draw, but when I picked up the camera, that's how I found my artistic calling. After that I become more and more interested and started to pay attention to art and try to get a understanding of everything around me.
When historically black colleges and universities were first created, they were a safe haven for black students who wanted to get a higher education but could not attend them without putting themselves at risk. Times have changed since the first HBCU opened its doors in 1837, but HBCUs remain great choices for black students and other students of color as well. Aside from providing some of the best programs in the country, HBCUs create a positive environment of support and community--something anyone could use when heading off to college.
I spoke to Howard University freshmen, Anaja Pinnock-Williams and Meghann Davis, and Howard alum Evyan Durham about why they chose to go to an HBCU and why they love their decision.
Zipporah: Firstly, letâs get some basic information about you. What is your name, the school you're attending, and the year in school you're in?
Anaja: My name is Anaja Pinnock-Williams, and I am attending Howard University, Class of 2019.
Meghann: My name is Meghann Davis and I'll be attending Howard University as a freshman.
Evyan: My name is Evyan and I attended Howard University. I graduated in 2012
Z: What is your area of study? Or intended, if you havenât declared yet.
Anaja: My intended area of study is Biology.
Meghann: I plan to study Psychology.
Evyan: My area of study was Sports Medicine.
Z: Did you always know you wanted to go to an HBCU?
Meghann: Honestly, I was always conflicted about attending an HBCU. I was never really sure if I would fit in at a black college.
Anaja: I really didn't know I was coming to an HBCU until I didnât receive enough financial aid from the school I really wanted to attend, UAlbany. [Going to an HBCU] was never really a fantasy of mine. One of my friends from the graduating class of 2014 went to Howard, so I figured, why not apply? But I'm so glad things worked out the way they did. It's really such a great environment filled with such driven yet fun people⊠honestly I don't think I would trade it at all.
Evyan: I actually always knew I wanted to go to an HBCU. My mother attended one and I knew that an HBCU would be the perfect environment for me to flourish.
Z: What are some of the other schools you considered during your college search?
Anaja: Most of the schools I considered were SUNY schools because I wanted to go away without being too far. Howard is actually the farthest school from home that I applied to. I applied to SUNY Buffalo, UAlbany, Boston University, SUNY Purchase, St. John's (Queens campus), and a couple others.
Evyan: I considered Hampton and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Meghann: My top school was the University of Michigan but I didn't get in. Other schools I considered were Purdue University, DePaul University, University of Illinois at Chicago, and University of Iowa.
Z: Why did you pick your school?
Anaja: The decision was between UAlbany and Howard. I chose Howard because they gave me more financial aid of the two schools.
Meghann: I picked Howard because one, I always wanted to attend school out of my home state. Another reason I decided to go was because of the police brutality and racism against black people in today's time. I thought it would be best to surround myself with my people. And lastly, I wanted to learn more about my black history and about myself as a black woman.
Evyan: I chose Howard because of the location, the major I was interested in, and the legacy. I grew up in a suburban area in North Carolina and I was looking to get away from home honestly. (laughs)
Z: How would you describe the environment of your school?
Evyan: The environment at Howard is, in one word, energetic. You can feel this constant buzz on campus. As for the people, I was surrounded by peers and faculty who are the best of the best.
Anaja: [The people] at the school are extremely ambitious and driven but also really laid back. It really feels like home for me. It's a delicate balance between [driven and laid back] and it really is key in easing all my nerves as a freshman. Right off the back when I got here there were upperclassmen volunteering to help move class of 2019's stuff into their dorms and none of them really seemed salty about it. I love that they're willing to help those coming up. It's really encouraging to see minorities rise up and prove that we are a powerful and intelligent people, regardless of what the media portrays or regardless of who doesnt believe we are capable.
Z: What is your favorite aspect of the school?
Meghann: My favorite aspect of Howard is the school spirit. And the fact that even though it is an HBCU, there is diversity in people's backgrounds and where they come from.
Anaja: So far I would say my favorite aspect is probably the togetherness here. It's really like a little community here.
Evyan: My favorite aspect of Howard would have to be the student life. There is something for everyone to get involved in and I loved how many opportunities I was given to be interactive with my peers.
Z: Do you feel in any way limited by this school?
Meghann: Â No, I think Howard opens doors for a lot of opportunities.
Evyan: I never felt limited in any aspect by Howard. The sky's the limit there. If you can think it, Howard is there to give you the tools to achieve your dreams.
Anaja: Believe it or not, some family members said that a predominantly black school could be a hinderance because it takes away from that connection to the âreal world.â The work force wonât be all blacks and I understand that, but I think seeing all these driven black youth might just be what I need to propel me. Thereâs something about just knowing that there are other black youth striving for excellence.
Z: Would you recommend this school to high school students?
Anaja: I definitely would recommend this school to high school students.
Meghann: Yes I would.
Evyan: I will always recommend the Mecca to high school students!
Z: What, in your opinion, is the benefit of attending an HBCU?
Evyan: The benefit of attending an HBCU is building a solid network of black professionals.
Anaja: One benefit would probably be becoming more aware of your culture and starting to acknowledge how far you have progressed as a minority but also how much work needs to be done and in what areas. Personally, I feel [at Howard] you'll see that through each individual you encounter. It's really an eye opener, especially since I feel most black youth are disconnected from the struggles of our ancestors. I also feel we're not fully aware of how much power we hold.
Meghann: I think a benefit from attending an HBCU is that you get to truly learn about yourself and get to surround yourself around other black intellectuals who want to change the world.
While this interview featured Howard University students and alumni, Howard University isnât the only option when looking for an HBCU. There are dozens of HBCUs across the United States; including Spelman, Morehouse, Tuskegee, Dillard, and more. If youâre serious about going to an HBCU and Howard doesnât seem like the school for you, donât give up on HBCUs just yet. Explore the possibilities and find an HBCU thatâs the perfect fit!
The Benefits of Attending an All Womenâs College
Itâs no secret that attending an all womenâs college does wonders for a girl. Research shows that girls who attend all womenâs colleges participate more in and out of class, have more courage to step into the STEM fields, are shown to have higher self esteem, and are more likely to graduate. And itâs no wonder considering attending an all womenâs college puts you in an environment of female support and gives you women in your field to serve as mentors. But knowing these facts and living them are two different things. Is what they say about womenâs colleges really true? Second year Barnard College student and an incoming freshman told me what it means to attend one of the best all womenâs colleges in the country.
Zipporah: Itâs great to talk to you today. Can you tell me a little about yourself?
Natalie: My name is Natalie Pino, I'm attending Barnard College, and I am an incoming sophomore.
Aaliyah: My name is Aaliyah Johnson, I will be attending Barnard College as a member of the class of 2019.
Z: What is it that youâre studying at Barnard?
Natalie: Biological Sciences with a minor in Spanish
Aaliyah: When I applied, I had intentions of going in as a pre-engineering student, but lately I have been having thoughts of doing pre-med.
Z: Did you always know you wanted to go to an all women's college?
Natalie: I had no idea about the benefits of a woman's college. My older sister was the first in our family to go to college, so I really didn't have more than a Florida state school as the goal for college, until I got to 10th-11th grade and my high school counselor really pushed me to try harder. I don't know if Barnard being a woman's college influenced my decision, but I definitely felt more comfortable on that campus than on any of the others that I visited.
Aaliyah: I never thought I would end up at an all women's college. Barnard was the only single-sex institution I had applied to.
Z: What are some of the other schools you considered during your college search?
Natalie: Florida State University, Swarthmore, Colorado College, Florida International University.
Aaliyah: I had applied to nearly 20 colleges--crazy right--but in the end, I was deciding between my state university, the University of Illinois in Urbana Champaign, Tufts University, and Barnard.
Z: Why did you pick Barnard over those other schools?
Natalie: I really loved the environment, and I felt like it was a school that was going to motivate me to do more with my life and not accept failure. Also, it's in New York City. (laughs)
Aaliyah: I picked Barnard because I had fallen in love with the feel of campus and what the school had to offer. I found myself on the school's website every single day obsessing over what it would be like to be a Barnard woman.
Z: How would you describe the environment of the school?
Natalie: The school is very community oriented despite being in a city that has so many of its own activities. Itâs a small, gated campus so it really gets to feel like home.
Aaliyah: Although I haven't really had the opportunity to get the full vibe of life on campus, from the times I have visited, it felt like home. The campus is beautiful and filled with the spirits of vibrant, successful women.
Z: A lot of people feel that attending an all women's college means you won't ever interact with men during college. How true is this?
Natalie: Barnard students have cross enrollment with Columbia University so we often have men in some of our classes and mixed events. I mostly stay in my own secluded environment so sometimes when I walk across to Columbia it does feel like âOMG BOYS!â But honestly, it doesn't need to be that way--I know tons of girls who have made guy friends and interact with guys all the time. My personal experience just has to do with the way I am as a person.
Aaliyah: As Barnard is closely associated with Columbia University, we often have classes with men, and New York city also has an abundance of men so their presence is not absent.
Z: Similarly, some think that going to an all women's school would be overly dramatic and catty; that the girls don't support one another. In your experience is this true?
Natalie: I was told that in the school the students get very competitive but I honestly haven't felt that at all. It doesn't matter whether you go to an all girls school or a co-ed school, you will find 'catty' and 'overly dramatic' people. You just need to know who you're surrounding yourself with.
Z: What is your favorite aspect of the school?
Natalie: Honestly, learning and studying. I think the best feeling is mastering something you thought you couldn't do, and a lot of the professors at Barnard/Columbia are really inspired and transfer that inspiration to their students. Barnard also has a lot of free food events and activities which is also cool.
Aaliyah: I chose Barnard because there was a strong sense of support for women. Also because New York City provides me with so many opportunities.
Z: What, in your opinion, is the benefit of attending an all women's college?
Aaliyah: One benefit of attending a women's college is the support. You are attending a school designed with women in mind. Itâs designed to help us succeed.
Natalie: I think a lot of young women are taught to be silent next to their male peers and women's colleges give women the opportunity to find and strengthen their voice. I also think it has made me a lot more aware of the LGBTQ community and the struggles they face, in addition to all minorities in general. Like, I feel somehow that I am less afraid and less tolerant of any oppressor/oppression now than before I started at Barnard.
The transition from summer to fall doesnât have to mean packing away your bright colors for all neurals. When putting together a fall outfit, it can help to accessorize with splash of color. Subtle or bold, a little color goes a long way. For those who prefer the traditional fall neutral tones, donât be afraid to play around with different textures. Feel free to draw some inspiration from some of the looks we put together!
models: Zipporah Osei and Raghib Rahman, Rose Thomas and Karanveer Dhanoa
directed by Kerly Noisette and photographed by Emily Tiburcio
âI refuse to be the shadow used to illuminate a light that  does not value me. I will no longer be silent.â
    When learning how to paint as a child  I was taught that white mixed with any color makes it brighter. I wouldn't dare mix any color  with brown or black or else my artwork would be ruined. I failed to realize that the untouched dark portion of my paint pallette became a symbol of the melanin in my skin. My only use on the canvas was to contour  and support the various shapes,  figures, and words on the canvas. If words are all I am useful for, don't ever silence me when I choose to speak.  Why is it that the most vital color on the canvas taints the image if  slightly bled through or moved a centimeter out of place? Why is it meticulously drawn and built to protect and support others but isn't given its own freedom? Why is it scrutinized?
    As I prepare myself for college I must be aware of the ethnic population statistic, rehearse what  to say in response to white ignorance, learn how  to be responsible for speaking for my entire race, learn to not react to microaggressions,  be prepared to familiarize myself with my pulsating heart and sweaty palms--all because I am the only black student  in a class. I must familiarize myself  with sitting on the margins of each lecture hall, hearing my white peers speak of diversity on an ideological and political level, while they forget who itâs really about--the people. They donât know what itâs like on the ground.
   I refuse to be the shadow used to illuminate a light that  does not value me. I will no longer be silent.
âBut I wonder why do so many people doubt that I was worthy of admittance?
Is it because I am a child born of immigrants who were but high school educated,
Grew up in assisted housing and on food stamps,
And was admitted to the best college in the world?â
I wonder to what extent I've earned the right to be defiant--arrogant, even.
How much have I earned the right to shrug off attacks and insults
Like the ironclads shrugged off cannon fire?
I canât even decide if Iâve accomplished anything.
All Iâve done is get into the school. I havenât taken a class, let alone graduate;
Nor have I earned either an M.D. or a Ph.D.
Maybe Iâll feel like Iâve done something once I graduate.
Or when you have to attach the prefix âDr.â to my name.
After all, all Iâve done is get into the school.
But I wonder why do so many people doubt that I was worthy of admittance?
Is it because I am a child born of immigrants who were but high school educated,
Grew up in assisted housing and on food stamps,
And was admitted to the best college in the world?
So youâll have to forgive my defiance--my âarroganceâ--
Because when you ask, âHow did you get into Harvard?â
I hear the emphasis on âHarvardâ as one on âyouâ,
And it sounds like an attempt to magnify the fragment of self-doubt
That Iâve been trying to expel.
I canât tell if Iâve been trying to confirm or prove I belong here.
Youâd think getting in almost four months early would oust the insecurity;
Then again, one of my classmates has performed surgery;
And whenever I think of  things like that, I start doubting myself again.
Do I really belong here?
Does a poor, black, inner-city kid really belong here?
How am I to feel that I, more than all those who were rejected, deserve to be at Harvard?
How can anyone feel they deserve it?
Wouldnât that be a little ⊠arrogant?
I guess what you call âarroganceâ is what got me here, then.
Really, itâs what got all of us here.
When last yearâs admission rate was 5.9% and this yearâs rate was 5.3%,
I would have to be a little arrogant to apply in earnest, right?
But you see, I donât see it that way.
What you call arrogance, I call confidence and defiance.
You would have me believe my background means I donât belong here;
I, however, would beg to differ.
I was born and lived with little more than my God-given talents,
Yet with that I was able to make it here;
And itâs because of how I made it here that I know I belong as much as anyone else.
So go ahead, call me arrogant. See if I care.
That âarroganceâ is what tells me to keep my head up.
That âarroganceâ is what tells me no one here is better than me.
That âarroganceâ is what tells me I can see this through,
So I sure as hell better not give up.
Maybe if you had some of my confidence--âarroganceâ, you call it--
You wouldnât have to doubt me to avoid your doubt in yourself.
âI can't recall much from the attack on the world trade center in 2001 because I was only two years old, but I most definitely feel all the following consequences.â
    I remember I used to live in a predominantly white neighborhood as a kid. At the my mom was a hijabi at the time. I have faint memories of everything that went down during and after the attack, but when my mom recently explained everything that happened subsequent to 9/11, things started to make sense. For example, why we had to move out of that white neighborhood and why my mom stopped wearing her hijab. My parents came to America from India seeking an equal opportunity for their kids regardless of religion but ironically, they left one clash of religions in India for another in America.
    At my school Iâm among the few Indian Muslims so just a few days after the first day of school, I have to face the unjustified islamophobia surrounding September 11th pretty much alone. Whenever we're asked to stand up for a few moments of silence, I feel so burdened and scared; like everyone around me is staring at the one hijabi in class--as though I'm somehow indebted to them...
    I don't understand why I have to feel so uncomfortable and nervous when the class starts discussing the events surrounding September 11th when Iâm no more at fault than anyone else in the room. But I guess that itâs just a part of me that I'll forever feel uneasy talking about.
    Hijabi or not, my heart is eternally heavy with the thought of so many people dying that day.
