Pairing - Kim Namjoon x Reader.
He promised you a forever, but was able to only give you five years.
Genre - Angst, Fluff, Smut.
Warning - Cheating, drunkenness, one-night stands, verbal abuse, degrading names, kinky, daddy kink, NSFW, spanking, anal, compromising positions.
He looked at you, as you breathed softly, your head on his chest, rising and falling in synchronization to his heartbeat. A wistful smile overcame his face, for he was glad to have such peace and calm in his life, when he can just focus and think. And see his life from another perspective and reflect on his choices.
He was glad that you liked the calm, the routine better than embarking on an unplanned adventure in unknown lands, with one’s head up in cloud. His brows knitted together in confusion as he contemplated.
He thought about the first time you met. It wasn’t anything special really, he had gone to celebrate their graduation with the boys, and he met Jackson. He had an arm around you, as he proudly announced that you were his childhood friend, had known each other since you both were in diapers, and had recently graduated as a lawyer with an internship offer within a feet’s reach. He remembered how your cheeks were blushing furiously, as everyone congratulated you for your success. After that, you and Jackson ended up joining them for dinner. You were of different ethnicity, so the only language you were fluent in was English, so your communication with others was pretty limited. But that gave him enough time to study you. You both talked a lot, and he found himself asking for your number after dinner ended and you were boarding a cab. He saw how confused you looked as you glanced at Jackson for assistance, while all he gave you was a thumbs-up with a sheepish grin. It was pretty cute.
After that, both of you had kept contact. Recommending each other different music, various books and aesthetics for his Kim Daily became routine. Soon enough he realized that he really liked you and ended up asking you out one a date. So, you went on a coffee date. The coffee dates soon became a regular thing, and you found yourself falling in love with the deep and philosophical, cute yet clumsy, and dimpled writer. And you both got together.
You were his muse, his penicillium. The one person who could understand his nonsensical rants, who stayed up late at night just to hear him. Who would inspire him to better himself each day. Who would heal him of the wounds his mind would inflict upon his fragile self-esteem. And he was proud to say, that this relationship has been for 5 years, and he had known you inside and out for almost 7 years now.
And yet, he couldn’t shake off this sinking feeling inside his stomach, as he stared at you. He was thankful to have someone as amazing as you in his life, but then why did he not feel like the first when he looks your way nowadays? Why does he not get that rush of excitement when he’s with you? He was glad for the calm and the peace he had with you, but he missed the feeling of adrenaline rush when he would sneak into your apartment, or when you’d have secret rendezvous and spontaneous dates, when any fan of his could’ve caught you together?
‘I do love her, don’t I?’ he thought mindlessly as he looked about the room. He looked outside the window to see it was raining. The droplets would hit the pane, and then swiftly trickle down against the pane.
He came to a conclusion, after a while – He cares for you. A lot.
But he just doesn’t love you anymore.
After reaching that conclusion, Namjoon couldn’t breathe, couldn’t look at you, couldn’t stay still or fall asleep. To put it simply, he couldn’t function properly. He needed time and space to figure his feelings out for you. For he didn’t want to break off a good relationship just because he was confused. So, he haphazardly wrote you a note and stuck it on the fridge, and packed his bag with enough clothes and supplies, and quietly left. Hopefully you wouldn’t look too deep into his poorly framed excuse.
He had rang Hoseok and asked him to keep the door open for him. He drove around recklessly, almost crashing into the bins as he parked the car, and then, as he ran up the stairs, almost falling down and scraping his knees on some occasions.
“Hey, Nam-Whoa, you look like a mess! What had hit you boy, a train?” Jin exclaimed as he looked at his best friend’s wrecked state.
“What are you doing? Where’s Hoseok?” he asked, not responding to Jin’s question.
“He’s gone to pick Jimin up from his ballet rehearsal, don’t forget to attend the real recital like last time”, he chided, as he picked up a towel from the rack, and started to dry the writer’s hair.
“Why here of all places at this time of the night? And what about Y/N? Is she okay with her clumsy boyfriend roaming about this time of night, when he could clearly hurt himself?” Seokjin chuckled as he put the towel away, only to frown at his friend’s stiffness.
He could see how cold Namjoon looked, literally as his throat gulped down the air.
“I don’t love her anymore, hyung”.
“Hold the fuck up, you don’t love Y/N anymore? Are you crazy?”
“I mean, I’m not sure. Sure, I care about her, but do I like really love her? Do I still harbour romantic feelings for her? I don’t really know anymore. I feel like I’m driving myself crazy, hyung. What if I let go of a relationship that could be so much more, you know? What if I push away Y/N because of how stupid I am? I can never forg-”, Namjoon wasn’t sure if he was lying to Jin, or to himself. Or whether he was aware of the truth at all or not.
“We can talk about it tomorrow”.
“You should sleep, you look tired. And I think Yoongi wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with you tonight”.
You were worried to say the least. Your boyfriend had left you a note saying that he needed to work on his new novel, and so had gone back to his old place-the apartment where he and the boys used to live before he moved in with you. It was common for Namjoon to leave for prolonged periods of time to work, and then suddenly out of nowhere he would pop up and cuddle you to sleep. He was extremely adorable when it came to that, to say the least.
It had only been a week, and sure, it was normal for him to go on for three weeks away from you at length, but he’d usually text, call or FaceTime you. And if he couldn’t contact you, you at least had the boys to keep a check on him and so that you can cure your loneliness, and also bond with them.
Despite the language barrier, you wanted to understand the complex expatriate that shaped up Namjoon’s world. You wanted to feel closer to the writer, who at times would shut you out. You wanted to know why he was with you, if he hated you so much. Why he would show like he cared, and then act as if he didn’t give a shit about anything that mattered to you. Why being with him was dabbling between imagination and reality, between heaven and hell, yet belonging to nowhere. Why he was a transition between hot and cold.
You wanted to know why despite resenting him for not being there for you when you needed him the most, you would readily lay your life down for his happiness.
Is this what some people would call love?
He hadn’t responded to you at all. Missed call after missed call, text after text, still no answer.
Also, the boys had been acting really weird. You wouldn’t want to read too much into it, but whenever you tried to approach Hoseok, he’d come off a bit too cold and condescending for you to believe that he was the same sunshine who went with you to attend your interviews.
Or when you tried to talk to Jin, his answers would come out as curt and extremely rushed, almost as if he couldn’t stand you. But knowing Jin, with Jimin’s recital and taking care of his best friend, it’s natural for him to be become stiff, due to all the stress his broad shoulders were burdened with.
But it was yesterday that really pushed you to your limits. It was Jungkook’s birthday, and ever since you met the gang, it had become a tradition for you to join in the fun. Clubbing, arcade centres, waterparks, camping, strip clubs (that’s for another day); you joined in all of their shenanigans.
You were not that familiar with video games, but knew anything with guns and adventure was in Jungkook’s list. So you bought a game, which according the salesperson who persuaded you to buy it, was ‘quite popular among the youngsters’. But when, you asked Jimin, he timidly replied that they all were going out to celebrate, and would appreciate if you wouldn’t drop by, at all.
But, you let it be, after all, the boys deserved a guy’s night out, without anyone’s girlfriend clinging on their back. Moreover, you didn’t want to seem like a desperate nutcase, when none of the other boys’ partners accompanied them to all events, whether big or small, professional or trivial.
So, bored out of your mind, you surfed your SNS accounts only to stumble upon a string of photos of what seemed to be of the boys drunk out of their mind.
But what caught your eye was Namjoon, who seemingly had drifted off to another world, already planning a new story.
Your eyes weary, you decided to bring Jungkook’s gift, alongside some ginger tea to cure the boys’ hangover.
When you did end up at their apartment’s front door, you weren’t so sure about your agenda anymore. After all this time you had spent with them, you still felt like an outsider who crashed their lovely family outing.
Just as you had decided fuck it, I ain’t gonna do shit, the door opened and a very startled Jungkook appeared in the scene.
“Y/N?” he asked, incredulously, as he massaged his temple with his free hand, “I thought you were in court”.
The shocked expression on being caught leaving without entering, had immediately morphed itself into one of sheer confusion.
“Jungkook, who told you that?”
“I mean, you texted Jin about how you were working on a very important case, and so you couldn’t come yesterday to celebrate.”
“I-right, the case….Yup, and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make it. Happy belated birthday, honey! You don’t mind if I get in and talk to Jin now, do you?” you decided it was better not to question the clueless boy about it, and instead find out as to why the truth was being distorted to such great lengths so that you could be avoided at all costs by the group.
Was it something that you did wrong? Not that you can remember. So, you would have to ask Jin about it.
You walked inside and placed the ginger tea on the centre table, “Jungkook, you must be really hungover. Have some this, it’ll help”, with that, you ascended the stairs.
Just as you reached up, the door to your left opened and Jin came out, with a towel in his hairs, drying off his soft locks off excess water. As soon as he saw you though, he looked as if he had a seizure.
“Ah, Y/N! What are you doing here, this early?” he croaked out, his widened eyes looking for an omen that indicates, run for it, you fool.
“I came to check up on you guys, since you all looked pretty drunk out of your mind”.
“But apparently, I was supposed to be at court today, working on a case I don’t even know about.”
The man could just only gulp nervously.
“So, let me ask you this once. Why the hell are you lying about?” you seethed, literally fuming.
“Too late, I’m going to ask Namjoon about it. Unlike you, he won’t lie to me”, with that, you turned on your heel, and made your way towards your boyfriend’s room.
Except that before you could, Jin grabbed you by the shoulders, and the next thing you know, you both are downstairs, and he’s saying things like ‘cooking breakfast for you’.
You cannot register what was happening; it was a bit too fast. The way everyone was behaving, you thought for the worst. And when you got your chance, you skipped past the kitchen, and quietly made your way upstairs.
Now, standing in front of his room, you took a deep breath to prepare yourself for whatever was on the other side of the door.
It couldn’t be that worse, can it? , you thought.
It’s not as if someone died, or shit.
But when you opened the door, you did not expect to see the love of your life passed out, naked in the bed, with a complete stranger.
You didn’t know what to do. Were you supposed to be angry? Hurt? Feel betrayed? Were you supposed to rudely wake them up and interrogate them? Throw things about? Break down? Because, that’s not how you felt.
You felt nothing to be honest- nothing put pure disgust.
You closed the door off, only to be greeted by Yoongi, who looked as if he had seen a ghost.
Wordlessly, you passed him and made your way downstairs. Jin had just come out with fresh pancakes on a plate and a honey-sweet smile, but when he took a glance at your distraught state, the smile soon fell.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything. But you just weakly waved him off, as you made your way towards the door. You had passed by the lobby for it, and saw Hoseok look at you with worry. So all this time, he knew too.
You saw Jungkook sitting there, and remembered his gift. As you made your way to him, he was on the verge of crying. This poor boy was innocent, anyone could tell that.
“Happy birthday, Jungkook”, you handed the pack to him.
And without another word, you just left.
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