the view

Be pretty and be petty, Vanderwood. Loose lips only sink ships if you're nasty enough.

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Avery has definitely cheated on Josiah. Are we even sure any of those are his kids?

I think it’s time for a trip to the Maury Show, better yet, Jerry Springer. I want to see someone get the crap beat out of them. I mean, if you’re a complete whore how can you expect to know all the names of you baby daddies? Might as well just sum it all up into one. Like Kanye West once said, ‘18 years, 18 years, and on the 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his.’ Have fun playing house why you can, just make sure your girl over there doesn’t spread her legs for anyone else. And if you’re not a punk, holla we want prenup.

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Are we sure Maddi isn't just a 12 year old posing as a college student so the gymnastics team can win? It's either that or she's on some seriously growth-stunting hormones.

She does look a lot like a prepubescent child. It fits Lena’s type, too. Move on toddlers and tiaras, it’s time for the real queen to show you what’s up. If she really is taking some hormones, maybe she can give us the name of her Doctor Feelgood. If he’s hopping her up on drugs to keep her Forever 7, then I’m sure he’d be more than willing to hook up some of the drug addicts that call Vanderwood their home. Chin up, Maddie! You’re a real life Peter Pan! Just hope someone doesn’t decide to play Captain Hook and snuff you out.

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Fights, hooking up. What's with these Vanderwood people?

Can you blame them? What else would you do when half of them are pregnant and the other half are in a boring ass relationship with absolutely no relevancy to this world whatsoever? This place is filled with nothing but half-assed, trailer trash, free-loaders who would jump at the opportunity to be in the Vanderwood spotlight without even looking back. Hell, I’m surprised someone isn’t dead yet.

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aj's not dying. this is just a secret life he's been living and has to go back to his real identity soon, so he's decided to fake a death to make it easier.

Sounds accurate enough. I don’t buy there’s anything actually wrong with him. Poor kid couldn’t find anyone to stay more than a night, so he faked an illness, hoping the universe would take pity and send someone to show him an ounce of affection. And what do you know? Chuck comes hopping in a few weeks later. For someone so fatally ill, there seems to be a sufficient lack of symptoms. In fact, he almost seems to have more energy than he did before. We’ll go with the secret life theory. Things are so boring around here, it’s the only thing that’s peaked my interest all day. 

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I've heard Aria's got the ABCs of STDs and that's why she's such a bitch all the time.

We’ll just add that to her list of flaws. Are we meant to be keeping track because I’m sure we’ve made it to the hundreds already, haven’t we? Anyways, I’m not surprised. The lengths this girl has to go through to get someone to pay attention to her, if only just for a night. She probably collects the STD’s like trophies, fondly remembering each pitiful one-night stand where she had to imagine it was another person just to get through the act. The girls get to be Crystal and the boys get to be Quentin. Luckily they’re both starring in the school production. They’ve played so many parts already. 

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does anyone even care about lena's music anymore? its all about adele and t-swizzle

I thought this on-going war was between Lena and Blair. Who cares about anyone else when we’ve got our very own Fight Match right here at Vanderwood? I don’t know about you, but I’m a little disappointed with how boring things have gotten between them lately. What happened to fighting dirty, girls? For starters, why isn’t Blair taking advantage of the fact that both Lena’s baby daddy and her desired baby daddy are entirely available for her plots of destruction? Not to sound biased, but I’m willing to bet money that Lena would have crushed Blair by now if she were in the same position. Get to it. My patience is running low. Speaking of a Blair, I believe I have somewhere to be right now.

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Looks like Bella isn't coming back to Jack. It's like the titanic all over again

“Jack…jack comeback…JACK.” Oh wah wah wah. I always thought that was the most boring part of the film anyway. He sunk bitch, what is he going to do, unfreeze and join you on the door? Maybe if you’d moved you fat ass in the first place you could have both survived. Anyway, fictional Jack’s aside, the real life one is considerably less entertaining. Without Bella the most interesting part of him is…oh no wait. She was the most interesting part of him. Leave him alone and he’s nothing more than a shaggy haired overgrown sloth who is painfully reminiscent of Sid from Ice Age. 

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Riley was in the looney bin, but the real crazy person was the person who let her out.

Riley has been let out of the loony bin, and seems a loony as ever. Does Victoria know that offering alcohol to a known crazy person is not the wisest thing to do? I’m not going to tell her because the outcome is going to be hilarious, hopefully there will be a lot of shit going down before too long. So why was she in there? Some people know, some don’t. Unwise Riley, that leaves room for speculation. I’m going with PTSD after a botched bout of plastic surgery. She saw herself in the mirror and broke down. Don’t blame her really, wouldn’t you. 

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i wonder where lights has been the last couple of days...

Rehab? Her grandmothers farm? Outer mongolia? Under a rock? Picking gum off the sidewalk in Michigan? In case you haven’t realized yet I don’t give a single care in the world. The thing about Lights is she could become president and still no one would take her seriously. She’s like a female Donald Trump. She’ll open her mouth and words will  come out, but they’ll mean nothing substantial and her hair will always be a fucking mess. How about we say this, Lights has been visiting her child in Delaware, it’s half sheep half human, and is a result of no one human wanting to get it on with her. 

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look out everyone, if you're not careful you'll pop one of Farrah's fake tits.

No girl that smart with killer looks and a flawless figure is going to have a perfect rack to match. I was waiting for someone to send in what our darling Farrah was hiding, but I have to say, I’m disappointed. There has to be something else wrong with her. Sure, a boob job is embarrassing if you’re not upfront about it which Farrah certainly hasn’t been; However, I can’t help thinking there’s more to the story. Keep digging, Vanderwood. Something tells me Blondie has more baggage than she lets on.

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max's recent google search history; how to grow your penis without surgery

Which Max are we talking about? Max S who’s decided he wants to play nurse to our resident raccoon-whore? Or Max M who’s been shoving his dick wherever it can fit since Eli left him? Either way, a bigger dick isn’t going to make up for the sole thing that both of them seem to lack: Self-Esteem. Going for the sick girl is risk-free. Surely, she won’t be leaving her care-taker any time soon. As for Max M, sleep around all you want, but just remember that even Chuck Bass has someone to cuddle up with at the end of the day. Looks like we’ve found our new Lonely Boy.

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Hey sluts and wannabe’s, hope life is treating you well.. Oh who am I kidding, I hope the rumors we’re spreading like nutella are ruining your lives, that’s what we’re here for. As well as keeping you informed of course. So if you happen to have any little gems of information you feel like sharing with us then our inbox is always open, wide open, like the legs of the students at this school. We’ll happily twist your words until there is a rumor spreading like wildfire. You can think of us as the sun, you can shut us out for a while, but we’re never going to go away. 

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Javaad definitely had an orgy this weekend with a few of his "friends"

Who exactly are his friends? Both of his hands and the google results for “naked twinks”?

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I heard that Brooklyn spent the trip hooking up with Danny while telling hunter she loves him

Remind me who Brooklyn hasn’t said she loved?? Girl’s thirstier than a dog in the desert, the only problem is who’s going to love someone who’s eyes are farther apart than the north and south pole? This is why everyone fucks you doggie style, Brookyln. Because no one wants to have to decide which eye they need to look into.

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looks like j's the only one catching king's stds on this trip

Yeah, because look at him. He looks like a Magic Mike reject. They wouldn’t even let him stunt double for a trash can in that movie. Obviously J’s the only person stupid enough to reign in his diseases. Clearly she needs to be studying brail reading instead of sign language.

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Plot twist: Charlie only murders people because Lily is a necrophiliac

Anything for true love. Did Lily refuse to sleep with Charlie until he murdered enough people for them to fuck on a bed of rotting corpses? I wonder if Prim is involved too seeing as she’s so kinky. Or maybe Regina since she’s half-dead already. That’s why they like AJ so much, isn’t it? Does that mean Chuck and Max are invited too by association? My guess is there are a lot of people involved if Charlie expects to pull this off for his dearly beloved.

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apollo pretends he's innocent but he's probably the biggest fuckboy at this school underneath that act

Apollo may be fooling a lot of people, but he’s definitely not fooling me. Sneaking around with Lena like she doesn’t have a boyfriend and hundreds of other fucktoys at her Beck and call? Apollo knows exactly what he’s doing and from what I can tell, the angel act he’s using to get away with it is working 100%. Props to him. If he can land an A-list celebrity with that method, I might have to take a trick or two out of his playbook.