Distress Tolerance: The Self-Soothe Skill
As I’ve previously explained, Distress Tolerance Skills are used when you cannot immediately fix or resolve the situation that is causing you extreme distress or when your distress is so extreme that you have reached a skills breakdown point, so you can only use very simple skills. The goal of these very simple skills is to survive the crisis presented by the distress (aka tolerate the distress until the painful emotion passes), or reduce your distress to a point where you can eventually use other, slightly more complicated skills to resolve a situation.
Remember, the end result of using Distress Tolerance Skills–and sometimes more than one skill is required to achieve this result–is to go from a state of extreme distress or skills breakdown to a state of moderate distress.
This post will cover the following sections:
What Is The Self-Soothe Skill?
When To Use The Self-Soothe Skill
How To Use The Self-Soothe Skill (With Examples)
How Does The Self-Soothe Skill Help You?
Difficulties in Using the Self-Soothe Skill
1. What Is The Self-Soothe Skill?
Self-Soothe is a Distress Tolerance Skill that is aimed at improving your emotional well-being in times of extreme emotional distress by soothing your physical senses. The Self-Soothe Skill makes you feel good in concrete ways in a short period of time. When you use this skill, you create small pleasurable experiences that make it easier to tolerate a period of intense emotional distress than can also result in feelings of intense physical discomfort. These small pleasurable experiences target your five senses, creating sensory experiences that feel physically good and give you a reprieve from the emotional suffering you’re trying to endure.
This skill is meant to help you “weather the storm” of extreme emotional distress and feel better in the process. It can also help you accumulate spoons both while in a crisis and if you use this skill as a form of emotional well-being maintenance.
This is what Tumblr traditionally refers to as “self-care” but this self-care is targeted specifically at your physical senses. Ultimately Self-Soothing is a calming skill: when you do something to self-soothe, you want to feel physically good and emotionally calm or experience a sense of enjoyment. The experience should be pleasant to both your physical senses and your mind.
Self-Soothe, as a skill, is fundamentally an exercise in being kind to yourself.
2. When To Use The Self-Soothe Skill:
This post presents four options for how to solve or approach problems. The Self-Soothe Skill applies to Option 2, which is to Tolerate the Problem. To quote that post, Tolerating The Problem “involves accepting that the problem is happening, and tolerating both the problem itself and your responses to the problem.”
The Self-Soothe Skill is a skill that helps us get through particularly difficult moments without making the moment worse but instead making us feel better, even though we may not have the capacity to solve the problem that is causing the moment of distress. Unfortunately some problems just have to be endured and some moments just need to be survived, and thus we have Distress Tolerance Skills to help us do those things.
The Self-Soothe Skill is a particularly nice skill because it’s simple to do and it makes you feel good in the moment in a healthy way, rather than giving into urges that may make you feel good in the moment but have negative consequences.
The Self-Soothe Skill is good to use when your emotional distress (aka your negative emotions) are causing a lot of unpleasant bodily sensations, such as your heart racing, your hands shaking, feeling sick to your stomach, feeling restless or agitated, etc, as well as when you feel emotionally bad about yourself, because these skills give you small pleasurable experiences in a short period of time or even immediately.
Like all Distress Tolerance Skills, you can use them to Tolerate the Problem and leave it at that once the distress has passed. However, if the distress is ongoing because the problem is still present, you can choose to use other skills such as Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills and Emotion Regulation Skills to address the problem once you’ve “weathered the storm” of your emotions during the peak of the distress. Again, to quote a previous post, “sometimes we need to take care of our emotional needs and decrease the intensity of our emotions before we can work at solving the problem or changing our feelings about the problem.” In this specific case, we also need to take care of our physical needs as well, because by taking care of our physical needs, we decrease our emotional vulnerabilities.
As mentioned above, you can also use the Self-Soothe Skill when you’re not in a crisis or experiencing a skills breakdown. You can also use it as a form of emotional well-being maintenance, which means using this skill semi-habitually to improve your emotional state and reduce your vulnerability to negative or intense emotions. It can help keep you calm and maintain a sense of self-worth because by practicing this skill, you’re reinforcing the idea that it’s worth it to take care of yourself–that you’re worth taking care of.
3. How to Use the Self-Soothe Skill:
The Skill is very simple to use. You do something that is pleasurable to one (or more) of your five senses. Look closely at something that is enjoyable to see. Listen to something that is calming or interesting to hear. Eat something that is pleasant to taste. Inhale the scent of something that is soothing to smell. Feel something that is stimulating to touch. It’s that simple. Compile a list of things you like to experience with each of your five senses, and keep that list readily accessible so you can find it in a crisis, because during a crisis we are prone to forgetting the things we enjoy, even simple pleasures like these.
Again, you self-soothe by doing something pleasurable, enjoyable, calming, or stimulating for one or more of your five senses: self-soothing with vision, with sound, with smell/scent, with taste, and with touch. You can also self-soothe with your sense of pressure, your sense of motion, and your sense of temperature. To cut down on length I’ve created a separate post of Ideas for Self-Soothing.
It’s best to prepare materials you can use to Self-Soothe beforehand
(i.e. before you’re in a crisis). This means making playlists, collecting nice or funny images and gifs and videos into one or two tags on your tumblr that you can go through to Self-Soothe (my two tags for this are my “#calming” tag and my “#things to make you smile” tag, for example), or you can collect images and gifs and put them into a Pinterest board. Collect screenshots of particularly sweet, kind, and loving messages or texts and keep those screenshots in a folder on your phone and on your computer. For especially important messages, or handwritten letters or cards you may have been given, you’ll also want to collect those in a folder or pin/tape them up on your wall so you’ll always be able to find them and re-read them. Make YouTube playlists of particularly engaging educational videos or of ambient noise videos, as well as keeping a folder on your computer of soothing or comforting or visually interesting movies and TV shows that you can watch to Self-Soothe.
For self-soothing with taste, it’s always good to have some treats on hand in a secret stash for moments when you need to Self-Soothe, because in a crisis you may not be fit to drive or walk to a convenience store or grocery store to pick anything up. This works best for little, non-perishable things like gum and hard candy and sometimes chocolate bars. If you’re like me and like Self-Soothing with special, fancy drinks from Starbucks (or your coffee shop of choice), it’s good to keep a written copy of your order(s) in your wallet if they’re complicated ones that aren’t on the regular menu, or if your memory is unreliable when you’re in a lot of distress.
When all of this is prepared beforehand, it means you won’t be limited to what you have in any of your physical Self-Soothe Kits, and you won’t have to think as hard about what things you could do to use this skill because you’ve already done the work to prepare it all before you entered a crisis.
For extra insurance, I like to keep a document on my computer/phone and a printed out and folded up version to put in my Self-Soothe Kit of my personalized list of Self-Soothing actions that work for me specifically.
That way I don’t have to worry about remembering what works and what doesn’t, and if something on the list doesn’t work, I still have other options I can try.
You can also use the Self-Soothe Skill as a physical cue like Half-Smiling or Willing Hands to indicate to your brain to switch from Emotion Mind to Wise Mind.
The Self-Soothe Skill pairs well with the Mindfulness Skills, particularly Participate and One-Mindful, along with Observe and Describe. The skills Participate and One-Mindful will help you stay focused on and engaged in the sensory experience, while Observe and Describe will help you pay attention to what the sensory experience is like and how it could be changing your internal experience (i.e. your emotional state, your thoughts, your feelings). Essentially, using these four Mindfulness Skills (though you can use all six) will make your Self-Soothe Skill more effective at helping you tolerate the distress as well as reducing the distress more consistently.
4. How Does the Self-Soothe Skill Help You?:
The Self-Soothe Skill, by creating positive, pleasant physical sensations, takes your mind off of the emotional distress you’re experiencing. It also helps reduce your vulnerability to that emotional distress and may help you resist the urges or impulses that often accompany those intense emotions by instead taking actions that have positive consequences instead of negative ones.
Also by Mindfully focusing on the singular experience of one of your senses that feels good to you–an experience that is pleasing and pleasant–you are inherently not focusing on the crisis or the thing that is causing you distress. It can therefore be used as a form of effective distraction.
Because it lowers your level of overall emotional distress, it can enable you to enter a state of Wise Mind so that you can make sound decisions and take better care of yourself.
Self-Soothing actions can also change the way you feel, even if it’s just a slight change. Self-Soothing actions are meant to help you:
feel safe if you’re feeling scared or anxious
feel calm if you’re feeling angry or anxious
feel worthy if you’re feeling ashamed or guilty
feel positive/happy/content if you’re feeling sad
feel content if you’re feeling restless or dissatisfied
feel like a priority and boost your self esteem if you’re feeling jealous, envious, undervalued or unappreciated
feel cared for and loved if you’re feeling lonely or neglected
feel in control if you’re feeling powerless or helpless or out-of-control
Long-term strategic use of the Self-Soothe Skill can also improve your self-esteem by demonstrating to yourself that you deserve to treat yourself kindly and allow yourself to Non-Judgmentally enjoy simple, pleasurable experiences. Because of this–strategically using the Self-Soothe Skill when not in a crisis and dealing with distress but instead using it to reinforce to ourselves our inherent worth as a person–the Self-Soothe Skill can sometimes work like an Emotion Regulation Skill, in the sense that it can lower our vulnerabilities to intense and distressing emotions, especially those that have to do with low self-esteem and feelings of guilt and shame.
It’s not guaranteed to work that way, which is why I don’t advise that you try to make this skill work that way right from the beginning, because as I said, for the skill to effectively worth this way, it has to be used strategically, which means picking and choosing the right times to use it when not in extreme distress. When first starting out, just use the Self-Soothe Skill to tolerate emotional distress that could be causing physical discomfort as a side effect, and cope with those negative emotional and physical feelings. That’s the best way to start using the Self-Soothe Skill.
5. Difficulties in Using the Self-Soothe Skill:
Some people have a hard time using the Self-Soothe Skill because they don’t think they’re worthy of feeling good, emotionally or physically. Especially in a crisis, their negative feelings about themselves might be magnified. Also struggling with chronic conditions that impair self-esteem, like Clinical Depression, may also make a person prone to believing that they don’t deserve to feel good–especially that they don’t deserve to help themselves feel good. This often means that when people who have low self-esteem and feel like they don’t deserve to feel good (physically or emotionally) try to use the Self-Soothe Skill, what can happen is they end up feeling intense guilt and shame.
If you feel unworthy of making yourself feel good when you’re having a bad day or are in a depressive episode or in a period of low self-esteem, practice some affirmations to remind yourself that you are worthy of feeling better and of enjoying simple pleasures. Here are some example affirmations:
“I am a worthwhile person.”
“I do not deserve to continuously suffer.”
“I am allowed to enjoy things.”
“I am not a bad person and therefore I do not need to punish myself.”
“There is no need to punish myself or deny myself simple pleasures.”
“I deserve to feel good (physically and emotionally).”
“I can be skillful and lessen my suffering by practicing skills.”
“I am worth the effort it takes to use skills.”
You can also try practicing some self-soothing actions when you’re feeling good about yourself so that you learn to associate those actions with feeling good, happy, or calm.
Of course, that can be taken to an extreme that is equally as unhelpful as not using this skill. Another difficulty is that some people do self-soothing actions habitually, either as part of their routine or because they always feel a need to soothe themselves. This reduces the effectiveness of these actions or experiences when you’re in an actual crisis, because these actions won’t feel “special” because they won’t be out-of-the-ordinary.
Sometimes if you’re in a state of too much distress, are at a point of skills breakdown and you don’t know how to proceed, first you should use the STOP skill to give yourself a psychological “breather” to figure out how you are going to Self-Soothe yourself. Sometimes, during periods of intense emotional suffering, we can forget what makes us feel good and sometimes we even forget the fact that we can feel good and have before. This is why it’s good to write out a little plan of what Self-Soothing actions you can take in a crisis that you firmly know make you feel good, and have backup suggestions if the first things you try don’t work. Having all this prepared before an extreme negative emotion hits you will make it easier for you to use the skill.
Another difficulty is that you may be in an environment where you don’t have access to anything to soothe yourself with. This is where planning ahead comes in handy. Having a portable Self-Soothe Kit (a post on how to make one will be coming soon) that you can carry with you in your backpack, your purse, your bag, or your briefcase would be particularly useful, as well as having a potentially larger kit to leave at home. I previously suggested creating a list of self-soothing actions you can take for each of your senses and having that list readily accessible, but you can create a list for things to do especially when you are out in public and have limited access to soothing things. Small, portable things like:
Aromatherapy oils, or walking into a bakery or the perfume and cosmetics section of a department store that will provide you with things to smell (perfume sections of department stores will always give you test strips of the scent).
A fidget toy that can be disguised as a keychain, or a spinner ring, or (if you know that you’re going to be having a long day out in public that could be distressing) wearing an article of clothing that is particularly soft or has an interesting texture
A pretty and detailed photo or print of some artwork that you can keep in your wallet, or maybe a folder of photos on your phone that are lovely to look at
A small sample of your favourite candy or a stick of gum in a particularly enjoyable flavour that you can keep in a coat pocket, or a food (usually a treat like candy) that you can purchase at a nearby convenience store, fast food joint, or take-out restaurant are all options for things that can be easily obtained
A particular special, soothing drink that you can purchase from your coffee shop of choice, and keep a written explanation of your order(s) in your wallet in case it’s complicated and not on the regular menu.
So there needs to be a mixture of planning ahead and a level of flexibility for seeking out ways to soothe yourself in a limited, public environment.
The Self-Soothe Skill is fundamentally about balance. It’s about being indulgent for small periods of time, and only in times of need or when being strategically used to improve your self-esteem. It works for both helping you tolerate the distress in the moment by giving you something positive to focus your attention on, and it also reduces your vulnerability to distress in the future. You can even accumulate or restore spoons by practicing the Self-Soothe Skill!
Further Reading: Big List of Ideas for How to Practice the Self-Soothe Skill, Intro to Distress Tolerance (What is a Crisis, When To Use Crisis Survival Skills, Goals of Distress Tolerance), Options for Solving or Addressing Problems, Wise Mind, Emotion Mind, and Logic Mind, Intro to Mindfulness, Intro to Emotion Regulation, The Biosocial Theory of Emotional and Behavioural Dysregulation, Factors that Make Regulating Emotions Difficult, The STOP Skill, The TIP Skill, Half-Smiling and Willing Hands, Mindfulness “What” Skills, Mindfulness “How” Skills, How to Make a Self-Soothe Kit (Coming Soon)
TL;DR: Self-Soothe is a Distress Tolerance Skill that is aimed at improving your emotional well-being in times of extreme emotional distress by soothing your physical senses. The Self-Soothe Skill makes you feel good in a short period of time by creating small pleasurable experiences that make it easier to tolerate a period of intense emotional distress that can also result in feelings of intense physical discomfort. These small pleasurable experiences target your five senses, creating sensory experiences that feel physically good and give you a reprieve from the emotional suffering you’re trying to endure.
This skill works best when paired with the Mindfulness Skills Participate and One-Mindful, and Observe and Describe, though often when using the Self-Soothe Skill you are already using these Mindfulness Skills unconsciously. The Self-Soothe Skill is often what Tumblr calls “self-care” and is fundamentally an exercise in being kind to yourself, where you focus your attention on doing one nice, positive, pleasant thing for yourself that stimulates one of your physical senses.
The effect of using the Self-Soothe Skill is twofold: 1) it helps you tolerate distress by giving you something pleasant to focus on, and 2) it reduces your vulnerability to intense negative emotions, particularly ones associated with poor self-esteem or a lack of self-worth by providing you with a sense of self-worth on a small scale.
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