Chelsie

Toronto

[waanderluustxo]

Hello. It’s me again. Giving life another go ahead. I looked at myself in the mirror today WITH my glasses on and I loved what I saw, I smiled at myself for the first time in a really long time, I felt pretty.

[waanderluustxo]

Aneke was my greatest love. No one knew me the way she did, no one understood my struggles the way she did. I chose to have her by my side I chose to dream with her to plan a life with her involved.

It’s been 4 years and I feel as though it’s all finally hit me. So as I try to put it all together and move forward knowing that I know what’s it’s like to be loved conditionally I realized I don’t have to chase love anymore because I’ve had it before ,what’s left for me to do is just to live because I’ve already given love and felt love. I just have to live.

That’s all I have to do .. just live.

[waanderluustxo]

Hey, It’s been awhile since I wrote anything here.

I’m sad again.

[waanderluustxo]

I haven’t been on here in literally a year . So much have changed I don’t even have time to get into it lol .

[waanderluustxo]

I’m trying

[waanderluustxo]

I’m trying to be optimistic about this year but it’s kinda hard when the life I pictured for myself you played a key role . So it’s like I’m reinventing my life without you , I miss you so much it’s insane

[waanderluustxo]

I’ve been feeling very emotional lately I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been agitated or sad it’s one or the other never in between . Yeah .. I don’t know

[waanderluustxo]

I love you so much & I hope you wait for me so we can start our next life together , I’ll see you later . You may rest while I search for you again

[waanderluustxo]

Went to see your sister yesterday and I left feeling like I didn’t know you at all , the things you wrote in your journal I wish you said them out loud , no matter what had happened I would still have loved you I would of never allowed you to carry that around like you were my family I chosed you to be my family . Why didn’t you answer when I called ? Why didn’t you talk to me you know my story you know the all the villains and the heroes man , you didn’t deserve any of the pain you endured during your lifetime . I will make them listen Aneke I promise

[waanderluustxo]

I’m doing a lot better today , we spoke about how we would want to be remembered if one of us were to leave the other , so I got you . We spoke so much about our spiritualailty and life after death and I know we had an understanding that we were energy , these bodies we are in are merely just vessels and energy never dies . You’ve moved on and freed yourself to become your true form , you’re now in a place where there is no pain , no sadness and you will never be afraid again. I dreamt of you and that smile you gave me I just know you know every secret in the universe , I will honour you for the rest of my life . I owe it to you to live my absolute best life , to make everyday count , those dreams we dreamt together , those goals we set for one another , those plans we made didn’t die with you , you’re gonna be right there when I make it all happen just for you , I love you in this life and I can’t wait to love you even more in the next

[waanderluustxo]

It’s like everyone has somebody & to be alone in this world without my person is making me feel empty , I just wanna be with her , I wanna go now , I don’t wanna wait until I’m old and grey , I wanna soar through the universe with her , learn what she’s learning , see what she’s seeing , I just wanna be with my friend and then when we’re ready to start our next life together I’ll be even better than this one .

[waanderluustxo]

People keep telling me “ oh we should stick together “ but you were my glue you kept me together , I don’t know how I’m gonna do this without you Aneke like I really don’t

[waanderluustxo]

Decided to go to work today broke down while I was getting ready , broke down on my way here currently in the office trying to be strong before I go back on the floor , I miss you so much , I wish you held on a little longer I swear

[waanderluustxo]

I don’t know how to feel honestly , Apart of me is relieved that whatever demons you were facing you are no longer facing them I wish I knew . This can’t be real rn this isn’t how it’s suppose to go

[waanderluustxo]

Yesterday I received random calls and messages from people offering their condolences & I was so confused as to why and I finally answered a call from my cousin saying my soul mate my entire other half had died . Aneke you were my only friend , you were all I had in this life , every move I made was for us . When I got that promotion I was so excited because I thought this is finally our chance to travel like we always wanted too . I was gonna surprise you in November with a trip to Cancun I was waiting to get paid on the 15th . I once told you that in a world that could get so dark sometimes ,you were my light and I will hold you and all our memories with me forever . You are my strength , you have given me purpose . I love you so much I don’t know how I’m gonna do all this without you Aneke , I really don’t . You’ve transcend into your true form and I can only imagine the knowledge you’ve acquired . In our next life together please wait for me .

Sleep well my anchor 🥀

[waanderluustxo]

I have never felt more alone in my entire existence

[waanderluustxo]

At this point there is no going back , I’m choosing to fight for my sanity and my future . I can see all I need to see it’s a matter of holding onto that and not giving up . I’m gonna make something of myself in this life . I have to .