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@wakeuplifehasbegun
Some people are born to walk alone, some survive on the energy of others. The pathway winds and curves, thins and widens, ascends and descends with a blink of an eye. Some maneuver themselves with the grace of their independent strength, galloping through the obstacles with ease. Some timidly...
I turned to you for strength, the silver lining amongst the gray lockers I slept against at 6:10am five mornings a week. When I would have rather awoken to your sleepy form and warm embrace.
It's unfair.
I hope you're happy.
I wish I could be too.
It's really hitting me now. That we might really be over this time. And it's all my fault, my stupid ultimatum.
Because like he said, he was changing. He was in the middle of changing, for me.
Oh my god, what have I done? It hurts so much.
The Aftermath
There were aspects of love I was preparing myself for: the hard stuff. I tried my best to research it, and then I let go of all rationality and just experienced it and tried to learn from it.
I just really needed reassurance, that he loved me, that I was worth it--him leaving the dating pool and becoming committed and loyal to me. Something that showed that he wasn't going to leave me for the next best thing. That I meant something to him.
When it ends, will he write me off as just a clingy bitch? Will remembering me hurt him as much as it does when he thinks of Ginny?
Yes, I do push him, I am a little hard on him, and honestly, I sometimes don't think it's a bad thing because is it really that hard to kiss and hug your loved one? Is it really that hard having to see their face daily?
I'm so hurt. I feel so betrayed. And he doesn't understand why. I told him how his actions hurt me, how I felt about it. But he doesn't get it. He refuses to see that perhaps he did something wrong, that the guilt and bad feeling in his gut may be a message that even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it means he's a bad person, that somewhere deep inside, he did something bad.
And I was willing to accept this betrayal and move past it, grow, and try to rebuild trust with him. I still am.
It shouldn't be this difficult of a decision, a friendship with a girl one has known for two months, or a relationship with a girl one has been dating for eight months. It really shouldn't have to come to an ultimatum like this, but I can't do it anymore. I've been hurt by him twice, with this same girl. And I just don't trust him anymore when it comes to her. If he continues to hesitate between the two of us, I'll make the choice easier for him. You can't pick between things if there's only one left, right?
Honestly, I've been crying for the past couple of days as if we had broken up. I left his house this morning, after talking/argueing (as he would say) for two hours (midnight till 2AMish?), within a minute and a half of the alarm I asked him to set for me on his phone at 6:30am. As I closed the door, I saw his head lifted up from the pillow, looking at me. Did he look surprised? Maybe I was just imagining it, I really couldn't make out his face too well. Or did I see it?
I met up with him to talk about how I felt after seeing his text messages with Ahn. He revealed that when he is with me, he feels like he has to be a totally different person from how he is, that that feeling makes him very frustrated. That it is more frustrating to deal with my confronting him about my problems with him than it is for him to deal with himself. He also revealed that he's changing, that he's trying to get out of the mindset of talking to multiple girls. (This morning, as I was replaying these bits I remember, I should have said that "this isn't a game where you can restart your life with different girls and try out all the endings.") I called him a playboy, a womanizer. He didn't disagree.
He was complaining about how being with me makes him unable to do things he likes. When I asked him what those things were, the only thing he could say was that he wasn't able to talk to other girls anymore.
I told him that before we started dating again, the requirements I listed about his female friends, as long as they were met, I really honestly wouldn't have minded if he had female friends to talk to. But Ahn was different. And honestly, I feel sick about this. Why do I have to fight with him about him wanting to talk to girls? Shouldn't he understand that when he's in a relationship with someone, he has to stop talking, flirting, and dating other people? I really don't understand why that's so hard to understand.
These past two weeks I've been working on giving him that space that he wanted and needed so much. But he spent some of it with Ahn. It makes me sick that on the days we didn't schedule to meet, he would spend it with her and text her basically throughout the day. How can you do that to someone you're dating? To someone you claim to care about and love?
The answer to that is simple: you don't. You respect the person you're with enough to know your boundaries, build trust, and with that trust and respect, learn that although you're committed to only one person now, you don't care about all the other fishes in the sea you haven't tasted because that one person, with all of their bad sides and good sides, is worth it to you. Is worth your committment.
And what I'm slowly realizing is, I'm not enough for you Orion. You keep telling me that I keep wanting more and more from you and that you can never please me. But it's the same thing on your end. You don't want me anymore, I've grown boring, too frustrating and irritating to deal with. It's no longer fun anymore, whatever it is. And you want that excitement of a chase, the mystery and unknown that lays behind and underneath the barriers that clothe the body and heart of a person, and the heart palpitations from the not being able to claim the prize just yet.
And I can't provide that for you anymore, more like, you've stopped looking for those things in me.
So stop fighting it. Stop forcing yourself to be with me. You say you want to be with only me? That you want to be with me? Then why is it too hard to give up the freedom to chase other girls to be with me?
It shouldn't be. I won't make it be hard for you. If you want that freedom, then go. Leave. I won't stop you. I didn't stop you the first time, and this second time, if it happens, I won't be there to watch you leave.
Krishna told me that the second time doesn't hurt less than the first time. It isn't, if that's what this is. It hurts a lot still. I don't know if this is from the betrayal or the unknown of what we are now, but it hurts.
So now, I'm packing away my tracking tools and gear. I've been chasing you all this time, and now I'm tired and too hurt to keep on looking for something that just isn't there. You were a beautiful mirage to me. And I'm sorry the water bottles I provided for you made you appreciate me less.
You know where I am, what my schedule is. I've provided all these tools for you. So silly of me, you can't make someone chase after you. You really can't. If they don't want to, they won't. And when you stop making them try, they'll do what they wanted to all along: leave.
Ready or not, here I don't come.
If I create all these shiny things for you to coo and aww over, maybe you won't comment on my bleeding heart. I promise it's not tears coming from these small eyes, well there goes my contact.
I've never been fixed you know? And the makeshift ducktape rope that held me together is ripping again, I snapped it with my scissors. I want to hurt, maybe all this pain will mean something in the end.
If I exacerbate the pain, it'll pass by more quickly won't it?
I'll put on my best clothes to hide these open wounds. Present that damn paper that I haven't finished. Then come home and cry. Cry because I'm stupid. Cry because I made you cry. Cry because I do a lot of stupid shit that people excuse me for when I don't deserve to.
I can't even, so damn tired. I'll just copy and paste parts from skype later. If ever. We fought(?) I don't know, I feel weird using that word when we didn't yell at each other. Just made up now, I think. It would have been a better conclusion if I got to sleep in his arms too, but you win some, you lose some. Not going to chem tomorrow. Sleeping in. Working Sarah's 11-2:30 shift on the line. I'm so tired. Poor Orion. But he gets to sleep in, so that's good. I love you my Orion. You're so silly, why would you question that?
120220 11:16AM
Our attraction was based on acknowledgement,
I was shining by myself,
Trying not to be too lonely,
Filling that ache with work, friends, and life.
And then you came along.
I’m not quite sure how to function without you,
More like,
I’m not quite sure how to react to these withdrawal symptoms.
You’re fine though.
You’re completely fine.
And that pisses me off.
“I heard the bus, so it’s okay. Thanks though.”
I’ll clear you out,
When I do
There’ll be nothing left of me to take anymore.
You see,
I’m tired.
I don’t want to miss you anymore.
Especially if you don’t even care enough to know.
120220 12:54AM - Lost Keys, Lost Headphones + DS, Lost ???
Warning/Disclaimer: This is more of a journal entry/rant thing, so there will be some TMI moments.
Just freaking out a bit now, because as I was getting ready for the next day (CHEM140 Exam 1, working out at the Rec Center between my break), I realized that I couldn't find my Nintendo DS or my headphones (that are attached to it... did I somehow drop it in Julie's car? T__T). Much worse, I realized that I don't have my Student ID Card/lanyard with me. I distinctively remember asking Angel if I had it as we took the elevator downstairs with Celina to go to Coin Laundry. I remember it swinging a bit as I walked around the Coin Laundry place... but looking back... wait, Angel and I took the bus home, so I must have had it then as well... so when did I lose it exactly? T_T I don't know. My heart is freaking out a bit because my keys are on them. And they're $50... (Celina says they're probably/most likely in my laundry bags, I concur)
Also, I might be overreactive/reading too much, but I think Diana may like Orion (if he's right and said that she sounded slightly upset that David asked her to hang out on Valentine's Day). But I might be crazy... Well, she did reblog his post on tumblr... but they're friends... And in the same club, of course she would want to let it be known... AGH! I'm just too insecure.
On happier notes, Celina and I are talking again. :D Angel and I are slowly reconnecting and being dorky together again. I've made contact with Mariko and Bonnie. I tried to text Kim, but she hasn't texted me back yet, I'll wait though cause I know she's busy. Also, I'm meeting with Denise tomorrow to sign the petition so we can have a kpop club on campus. In addition to all that, I'm making plans in my schedule to go to the Rec Center, so I can't escape it! xD
Julie is (was?) right (like always). I've become what I've always yelled at my cousins about, being so dependent and reliant on my boyfriend that my whole life revolved around him, school, and work. And that's not healthy. Certainly not for me, and certainly not for him. Like Julie said, at the first moment that he can't hang out with me for some time, I mope and feel sad. Thus, my revamping of my life. I need to re-establish my social life, my friends, and become interesting again. To myself, most importantly. I'm going to be honest to myself and find some time to read again, because that's what I really love.
Also, I'll build up my self-esteem and confidence through these small accomplishments so I won't be so damn insecure with Orion anymore. And then we can do exciting things again... maybe go eat that gelato that we've been talking about since that one day at Seal Beach. I've been meaning to ask him if he'll teach me how to play tennis, or if we can play badminton together. Since he doesn't like the idea of "working out." xD Maybe we can go to an art museum as well?
I guess my confusion here is, I don't know where the lines to draw are. Since I haven't been in a relationship before, I don't know what is normal, and what I should expect at least. Like, since he's said that he's going to be busy, should I just not expect to hear from him at all? Should I wait for him to contact me first? What if he doesn't at all for a whole week? What if I miss him? Would I be overstepping my lines to call him or text him and want to talk to him for a little bit? Even a "Hi~ I just wanted to say I love you, and wish you a good night and sweet dreams," is too much?
It kinda seemed like it when he said, "Hmm...i'll talk to you tomorrow. I don't think i can last that long..." in response to my text message about how I just wanted to talk to him for a few minutes or so... A few minutes. Like literally, 3 to 5 minutes. If that. At all. T___T Was it that much? Too much? Didn't he miss me at all? (No, cause he spent the past two weeks straight with you, my dear, it makes sense if he's a little sick of you and wants time to himself)
I guess my fear is just that, a lot happens within a day. They're small things that one wouldn't really take note of, but within a week, they all add up. And you can miss out on a lot. I want to know how his historian position in the club is going. How the RC Tournament is going. How his friendships are developing. If he's eating breakfast. Or lunch. How his mom is doing. That hopefully he didn't get sick because he had to strip to his shorts for the fishing tournament on Saturday.
I'm scared he'll find me boring. Or that we'll fall out of love. I guess that's the fear I've been facing these past couple of days away from him. That if we don't keep in touch, we'll lose our spark. And what do I do then? What do you do when he doesn't love you anymore? Of course you should let him go, right? To be with the one he really likes instead?
Because his talks about a future with you, having children with you... those were just words. And you yourself said you wouldn't hold him to them. Because that would be unfair.
I don't want to be fair if it means letting him go. But that's just too damn selfish. I tried to make someone love me once. I held on for five years. And when he did? It didn't matter anymore, because he didn't really love me. He was in love with the idea of me. Just as I was obsessed with the idea of what he was. That unreachable goal. He didn't know me. He really didn't. And I didn't love him either. But I did become more jaded about love.
So I'll have to let him go then, if it seems like that. What's worse is that, if I'm still feeling depressed like this when I see him tomorrow (if at all), and he's in a good/happy mood to see me... I'll just ruin the mood. And I love his smiles. And his little chuckle. I really do.
I really miss you Orion.
It's not just these past two days. Even when we go to sleep together, we literally just sleep next to each other. The last time we kissed... he pecked me on the lips (ish) Friday morning (120217), because I was leaving the bus and he was going to stay on. And the last time he hugged me was around 7:41AM of that morning. But in terms of actual kissing... Hm... when we showered together... I miss those intimate moments. When it's just me and him, and I know he's only focused on me.
I would like to be able to kiss you too.
But, until then. Goodnight and sweet dreams my Orion. I love you too.
(A little background info on that last sentence: After that^ text message, two minutes later at 11:27PM he sent "Good night. I love you." but I was brushing my teeth and didn't see it until 8 minutes later. By that time, I didn't know if he was already asleep and if he forgot to put his phone on silent... so I didn't want to text him and wake him up--I've done that before. So I ended up not texting him at all. And to be honest, I wanted to see what he would say about me not responding. But looking back on those thoughts, and right now (cause I'm still thinking them), it's kind of stupid. Because he'll think I'm mad at him for not wanting to talk to me for a few minutes... but he was really tired/sleepy/dead because he spent the last 6 hours straight writing an ethics report he totally forgot about (even though his friend Ian reminded him about it earlier... aigooo). So of course I'm not too mad. Haha. So to make up for it, I was going to text him in the morning and explain why I didn't respond right away... but as I'm typing... you know what? He doesn't need an explanation. I'll just text him "Good morning. I love you too." And if he doesn't text me back for another three hours or more, whatever, because I have working out to do, so ha! And if he's hungry and wants to eat lunch together... see? at this point, I don't know what would be right.
Okay, Celina helped me out. She said I should stick with my plans, tell him that I'm busy going to the Rec Center at that moment, so I can't do lunch. But I'll be available for dinner later. And if he really wants to see me/hang out with me, then he'll rearrange his dinner plans (i.e. eating at home), so we can eat together, OR he'll invite me to eat at his house. Celina is so smart, huh?
Okay, I'm really done now. I need to understand how to do these stupid math problems or else I'm going to fail my exam tomorrow. Okay, I won't fail it, I just won't get an A or B on it. Maybe a C if I'm really lucky. If that.
Goodnight. For reals now. ^^
Mad - Neyo
We were lying down in bed, getting ready to KO for the night. It was past midnight... he was asking me about Thursday, and if I wanted to go to Best Buy with him so he could buy his mom a $250 tablet.
---
omg I totally forgot about this (ish)... um um, something about how he put his hand over my mouth and I thought he was telling me to shut up, but he was actually doing something else (after re-reading this five times, I'm trying to remember and I think it was that he was moving my hair off my face or something... oops, cue head-meet-desk bang). So then I got really mad and turned on my side away from him, while resisting his attempt to roll me over to him. After a while, he stopped and went to sleep on his side of the bed. It was really tense and silent. Then, after what felt like forever, he sat up, rearranged the blankets over me (AWWWWW!!!), then got up, apparently he put on his orange sweatshirt (why do I remember something like this? idk), and walked to his computer, turned it on and then did some light typing (meaning web browsing? or homework?)...
I fumed some more, still lying on the bed like an idiot... then despair hit me when I realized he wasn't going to chase after me anymore and I didn't want us to go to sleep mad (UHUHUHUH DIDJU SEE WHAT I DID THUR WITH THE TITLE??? HEH HEH) at each other (literally, this song was playing throughout my head all the while I was fuming). So I literally swallowed my stubborn pride down, and crawled out of bed to walk towards him. It was cold, and I didn't know how he was going to respond (rejection? Cold shoulder? Shrugging me off? Yelling at me? making fun of me?), I was so scared! Finally I leaned my forehead on his shoulder. My stupid lips were twitching with the words, but finally I managed to whisper "I'm sorry."
You can't even imagine the rush of relief that flooded my body with warmth when he leaned his head on top of mine...
Um... I can't remember if he patted my head with his left hand or what... but after some time I hugged him from behind.... and then I said, "Come sleep with me..." and after a moment, he turned off the laptop and monitor and we went to bed.
IT WAS SO COLD. We slept face to chest (his torso is really long, okay?) with our legs tangled (uhuhuhu... I think that was me beginning it) and with relief and his body heat surrounding and filling me, I knocked out, warm finally.
And the controlling begins
new bedtime: 11PM-9AM -_________________-'''
I can't even...
110616 9AM-6:30PM - 9.5 hours to finish "Mine To Possess"
I think it's Dorian and Ashaya's story next, huhu<3 Super excited, but that means I'll only be able to finish 1/4th or 1/2 by my new self-imposed bedtime. Boo.
Stats: 13
“But,” Kaleb said, having kept his silence to that point, “he is not Council. He doesn‟t have our resources. We need to start hunting in earnest.” “Agreed.” Five voices in unison. “The Ghost must be eliminated.” Kaleb wondered if any of the five realized they had just responded to him as if he were their leader.
-Kaleb K-SMTG, Mine to Possess by Nalini Singh
I don't like this bitch.
uhuhuhu, i see what you did thur nalini singh. making up for everything in the epilogue eh? XD
I think this is book #12 on my reading list. I'm a little dissapointed in how slowly I'm reading these things... >w< I'll build up my reading speed, hopefully? NEXT UP IS CLAY + HIS MATE! WOOTWOOT! And um, can I just say, I totally knew they were mates? HEHEHEHEHE<3 And er, WHAT THE HECK MAN! Here I was, about to sob half the night away because I thought Judd was gonna die, but then Singh cures the Dissonance in like, a quarter of a chapter. Not. Cool. BUT I'M SO HAPPY FOR THEM<3 I must admit, I really wanted to see Horny!Free!Judd more... but I guess his conditioning was such a huge part of his personalit, that his story needed to be told in Cold!Judd form. Which is fine with me. Virgin!Judd was just so damn sexy ;]
She thought about that for long minutes. 'For there to be light, there must be darkness.' It was what Faith had said after her escape from the Net. But only now did Sascha truly understand. 'If you try for perfection, you become exactly like the Psy.' A cold, robotic race without the ability to laugh, love, or cherish. 'No race is perfect.' He nuzzled at her. 'And I kind of like you, flaws and all.' She found her smile again. 'Yes. Perfection is vastly overrated—if they measured the Psy race’s contentedness index, the results would undoubtedly be in the negatives.' 'God, you’re sexy when you talk Psy.'
-Lucas Hunter & Sascha Hunter (used to be "Duncan") Caressed By Ice by Nalini Singh
"I take it back!" she cried, "Foreplay sucks!"
-Brenna Shane Kinclaid, "Caressed by Ice" by Nalini Singh
SPOILER/RANT: Carressed By Ice - Nalini Singh
When I first read the summary, I laughed. I thought it was going to be a silly novel, majorly lacking in chemistry and depth and that the characters would have no trouble falling in love while trying to solve some silly trouble their novel was about. You know, re-using the formula she had written the first two novels with. But my god, this one is totally different. I'm about 2/3 of the way done with the novel and the most erotic thing that's occurred is that Judd FINALLY gave Brenna some loving. That's it. Otherwise, I mean, there were some scenes where he got turned on by her and they've held each other and stuff, but nothing "naughty" has really happened. O__O; Besides that scene I just finished.
I'm about to cry because Brenna has mentioned that she her beast doesn't acknowledge Judd as her mate (I'm crossing my fingers and praying that it's just a temporary set-back since she can't even shift back into her wolf form right now... they have got to be made for each other, they just HAVE to!), and... Judd is literally killing himself from the inside out just to be able to be with Brenna. (He's bleeding from his ear--if that's not a sign of internal damage, I don't know what else is). Their love is so sad, their pasts so tragic and it just hurts to much to think that they might not be together at the end. I don't think Nalini Singh has it in her to kill her characters... but if she kills Judd (which the cynical side of me says she won't, cause otherwise, why the heck would she spend a whole book on Judd/Brenna just for them not to be together?--RIGHT??!) I'll wake up with swollen eyes and a shitload of used tissues on my bedroom floor. T___T omg she better not do that to me (us--the readers).
