a very slurry guide to why french is Like That, Actually
yall remember that post that went like…… “why is french… Like That”?
well, time for An Education from ur local french literature student
SO, BASICALLY, WHAT HAPPENED
first of all, well, it’s like the 9th century and the king is like…… hey what if….. and bear with me on this one but….. what if…….. we wrote………. the things about our country………… in the language……. actual people living in this country….. speak?
and people were like “holy shit youre the king so okay” and then the king was like “i want YOU to write this laws and THINGS in FRENCH!” and the monks were like “aw okay” so they started doing that
that they had a big fucking problem. what was that problem, you may ask? well, the problem was thaT THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS DIDNT HAVE AN ALPHABET TO WRITE THIS FUCKING EXCUSE OF A LANGUAGE
lemme explain. all they knew was latin and the latin alphabet. bc like knowing latin was the whole thing when u were a monk. also latin was like… the Serious Language. but french doesnt sound like latin like at all. french sounded like some bitch ass demon had bitten their tongue and was trying to order a latte in the middle of an exorcism incantation. and i say “sounded” on purpose bc their pronunciation was wild, man. like ultra wild. like even WORSE than what we have to deal with now. and it had NOTHING to do with motherfucking latin.
so what did the monks do? well, they were like “aw this is a mcfucking embarrassment of a situation, ay” and had a choice. basically, they could invent a whole new mode of transcription for french weird ass sounds… OR they could do their best to try and adapt the latin alphabet to its demonic sprouting.
which is, pretty sadly if you ask me, what they went for.
so they started planning strategies that were complex at shit bc like how tf are you gonna write “cheval” with a fucking LATIN ALPHABET??? so basically they all went with whatever felt best to write in the moment and there were no rules and it was a weird fucking mess of a situation lemme tell you, ive seen the manuscripts, those men went APE SHITT
and like…. some of them never used the same spelling twice. also there were like no accent and punctuation and things that allow you to write like a fucking normal human being so jot that down
so, that was a big fucking mess and they started adding letters e v e r y w h e r e like……….. ok some of them were actually smart like they did their best to add letters that no one pronounced but it made it look like some latin thing. like basically they put up a pink hairband on a fucking DEMON CHILD and went “aaaawww look how CUTE it is, looks like its mommy so much!!!!” and prayed to god it would end up well (spoiler: no. no it didnt. bitch)
so you got things like “veult” for “veut” bc the “l” made it look a bit like the latin “vult” or something. but then as i said some of them went APE SHITT and were like, WOOHOO FREE LETTERS and started adding weird letters to words that had literally no etymological link to that letter. so they were writing “peut” like “peult” just because….. idk they felt like to??
so its Like That in the middle ages and then people started thinking about french as a language and they went like….. MAAAAW THERES A WEIRD FUCKING STRAY WRITING OUTSIDE!!! MAAAAAAAW!!!! IS THAT EVEN A FUCKING LANGUAGE???? BLINK MOTHERFUCKER!! AAAAAAAAAAAA and everyone was losing their shit alright
so like english students started going to college in france and they were like “bitch you live like this??” and the french were like :/// whelp
and like they did their best to like help non-native writing french but it had no rules so it didnt work out well and like….. in the 1500’s some guys were like “okay guys this makes no sense from now on well use a RATIONALIZED WRITING i built MYSELF” and their idea was basically to write french as they spoke it which i know SOUNDS like a good idea but actually AINT
bc first of all there are a shitton of words that have the same pronunciation in french and you need those weird spellings to actually know what the word is there for like….. they wrote like “me” for “mai” and “mais” and “mes” and “met” and basically that was wild
and some of those guys who knew a lot about grammar went like “ooookayyyyy so were removing those letters we dont pronounce buuuuuuuuuut its not alwayyyyyys like thiiiiiiiiis” and like…. right-wing people like the 1550 equivalent of republicans or some shit went like, foaming at the mouth like rabid fucking dogs when they saw “pe” instead of “peult” “oooooohhhhhh but you DIDNT and its not EVEN REALLY RATIONAL” and like they had a ton or arguments and it actually became a kinda linguistic war and all
plus they didnt pronounce the same things everywhere in france so in paris they wrote “otr” for “autre” and in lyon they wrote “aotr” and they were like……… “we got a problem here” bc the whole thing was to get a language that was the same everywhere in the country basically
so u got those reformist guys on the one side and the reactionaries on the other side and honestly, reactionaries’ arguments are so fucking funny they were like…
“okay so some of the letters are useful bc it helps understanding that the word comes from latin” this ones rational alright
“also some mute letters are used to link the words from an identical background together and create semantic links like “sang” (blood) does have a mute “g” bc it links it to “sanguin” (sanguine) and other words like this” alright cool
but THEN you got some weird fucking ideas like
“but actually writing IS the standard bc written things Are More Noble, Actually” which is like……. weird flex but ok
“yes, it makes it harder to learn, but so it repels women and non-educated people who would soil The Language if they could write it” like DUDE are you FUCKING SERIOUS
and finally – their main idea –
“bUt iT loOkS FaNcY” aka #aesthetics and thats basically it
also. the printing press workers were like……… guys are you SURE you want to get us to COMPLETELY CHANGE AND UNLEARN OUR WHOLE JOB LIKE C’MON so it kinda weighed in favor of the reactionaries
also the reactionaries won in the long term
tl;dr so french is Like That because 1. its a demonic language that monks desperately tried to tie back to latin and 2. old white men with bizarre aesthetic tastes hated women and The Poor
thanks for coming to my ted talk my language makes no sense and neither does its history
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