I said I won’t be posting.
But I also can’t leave without sharing my feelings, my fear, sadness, anxiety, confusion, numbness, loss, regret, love, and gratefulness.
When the last two minutes of that episode took place, I sat there, speechless. I closed my laptop. I started to read what others saw as well. Then I threw it all away, busting into tears.
Actual waterfalls of tears.
Last days I’ve spent anxious and truly in my all time low, and Bellamy’s death was the last hit that took down my walls. A painful one.
I rarely get this attached to fiction. The 100 was the show I could escape to, let myself fall into, theorise about and share with others. I remember all the scenes and plots and relations it should physically hurt my brain. Bellarke was the only ship I fell for this much, and saw all along, between the lines and right on screen. Now, that peace and hope was bruttaly taken away.
I felt anxiety and depression spiking as never before. Because things I don’t understand make me anxious. Things that happen out of the blue make me anxious. Things I can’t change make me anxious. That was Clarke killing Bellamy.
When I finally fell asleep and woke up today, I couldn’t hide the way I feel no matter what. My sister kept asking, and I threw her off, saying it’s me not sleeping well and a backpain (I have a backpain but not that strong or tiring.) It all got worse when Bob confirmed Bellamy’s death, saying his goodbye.
How angry I was for not making any sense of what happened. I can’t look at the gifsets, or even scroll through tumblr overall. Jason and his crew did something unforgivable and I’m sure the consequences will get them hard.
I started regretting all this time I spent hoping that the story leads somewhere. That the story ends how it should. That other ships were only the obstacles. Hell, they could both die but as long as it was bittersweet and made an impact on the story, I would deal with it. Eventually.
Now, I feel numb. Wiped out. Unplugged. Just like a lot of us. Stuck between understand, let go, and move on. How does one overcomes such a bad writing, leading to the pointless, ruthless death? How does one lets go of a seven season long story, four years in, just to end up disappointed, hurt and distrustful of any other fiction in the future?
Luckily, I ended up in the best fandom group possible. I joined tumblr, full of beautiful souls minds and artists, and I joined the incredible discord with incredible people as well.
I lost my hope for the show and it’s message. But I hope to move on, right beside other people, equally broken, that I loved the second I met them.
Maybe Jasper was actually right and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, called the 100 and bellarke, and it’s just a tunnel. But I want to walk through it with its fandom, healing on the way and being grateful for the journey itself.