Bee

They/them, queer, OCD, parent, ENFP, confused Hufflepuff

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Here’s the story of how I am a moron and feel personally queerbaited by JKR.

So, back before the first Fantastic Beast movie came out, I had a bad habit of reading news headlines, but not the articles themselves (yeah, I know, that’s probably how we got into this whole mess). And I swear I saw a headline saying there would be queer representation in the movie.

Score! I’m queer, and I love Harry Potter.

So I take my queer ass to the theater on opening night, of course.

Ok, so the movie starts, and I start trying to figure out which character was gay.

Newt Scamander? Could be.

Then Tina showed up, looking awesome in a suit.

As a fan of women in suits, I’m into it.

And then Newt says something about how backwards the magical community in the US is, because you can’t marry muggles. Know something about forbidden love, Newt?

And then absolutely NOTHING GAY HAPPENS. For the whole movie.

This must be subtext, I think. And I try to evaluate who is gayer, Tina or Newt.

And they both seem pretty plausibly queer.

And then this scene confuses me like woah:

Wait… What? Are they looking longingly at each other? I was already headcanoning them both as gay.

And then the movie ends. Where was the queerness I was promised?!?

So. I go home and google the characters to try to figure out who supposed to be gay. And of course, I can’t find that “queer rep in FBAWTFT” headline again, because maybe it didn’t exist.

And then I found it. No, not the article. But this line in the Fantastic Beasts book:

What the actual fuck? My sexy ass gays marry each other? What is this?

And then it dawns on me.

It’s a mother f-ing metaphor.

That throw away line about muggle marriage. That was it.

So anyway, that’s how I realized what a moron I am, and decided that I could headcanon both Newt and Tina as bi, and that made them somehow a ridiculously attractive couple to me.

And that maybe I’m just ridiculously attracted to queer people of all genders and identities. Which is eye opening and fun!

And then! To add insult to injury, they didn’t even get to make out in the second movie!

Come ON. Really? After all they put me through?

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Reblogging this since I wanted to retell this emotional journey now that I have actual friends.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

someone liked this ooooold post of mine recently, so I feel like I should add the new context of fuck JK Rowling

[automicbaseball]

A wonderful evening of baseball here at the Mariners' ballpark! Today we have the second game of the Mariners vs. Atlanta Braves 3-game series, with the Ms up 1-0. Considering the tough gantlet of WS Champions (Texas Rangers, Ms won 2-1), WS Runners Up (Arizona D-Backs, Ms won 2-1), and Atlanta (19-7 coming into this series), spirits are high! We've won 4 series' in a row at this point, how can baseball not feel romantic? I consider the great American pastime to be an art (I'll be writing about this later).

I got dressed up in my softball uniform as I refuse to not be colorful and exceptionally queer when I go to the ballpark now! We're the Puget Sound Pronouns, and we are a gender-welcoming club playing here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. We are also a non-profit organization that seeks to bring softball to more people of all kinds of backgrounds, as well as helping kids to feel safe in the pursuit of athletics.

While we're rapidly approaching summer, spring in the PNW can still come with a bite of chill, even if it's sunny as all get out. Today was no exception, reasonably warm if you sit in the sun, however, if you still up in the upper deck, you'll get some of the wind rolling off of Puget Sound, so dress warm (at one point I had an undershirt, my Pronouns jersey, my hoodie, then my Hello Kitty appreciation night jersey on, still chilly uffda!)

The sky was clear except for a few fluffy clouds, and we were treated to brilliant neon colors as the sun set.

As an aside, I am exceptionally grateful for @warriorbeeofthesea for their love and excitement of baseball. I never thought I'd have a partner who enjoys the things I do (and in fact, they have loved the Ms for a lot longer than I have!)

We went today specifically for Hello Kitty Jersey night (you can buy promotional tickets that often come with neat stuff, I cannot wait for pride night coming up!) and while we had to wait in line for a long while, we eventually got our two jerseys.

They are still made of the flimsy material that promos are made of, but the Hello Kitty styling was actually sewn on, which is pretty cool, what with the jersey problems in ball right now, ugh.

As for the actual game itself, one of our whoops all aces, Luis Castillo went 6 or so innings I believe, keeping the Atlanta offense to tidy 0 runs with 7 strikeouts, continuing a streak of excellence among the Mariners Starters.

A 2-run Jorge Polanco home run opened up the scoring in the bottom of the 3rd, and a Dylan Moore double out to Jarred Kelenic in the bottom of the 4th brought Mitch Haniger home for our 3rd run of the day.

Atlanta fought back with a pair of runs in the top of the 8th, on a single with an RBI and a run scored on an error from Andres Munoz.

Considering Munoz came in with the objective of getting a 5-out save, we can easily overlook his errant throw to 1st, as he ended up with the win for the evening (I am unsure how we attribute wins and saves to pitchers, but he ended the game with a win for us!)

One train ride home later (I continue to love our light rail, so easy to get to the game from a free park and ride), two tired hotties rest from a lovely day of ball, on the back of yet another Mariners series win!

Until next time!

[warriorbeeofthesea]

It's my wife! (And me too, don't think I've shown my face here before)

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Hi Bee! I sporadically check your blog for any life updates- anyways hope you're doing very well and that your fandom break has been restful!

I realize it's been years since I logged in here, and I know this ask itself is already pretty old, but: Hi, I'm alive and thriving.

When you last heard from me I was falling apart and going through a divorce. Well, divorce is done, I've moved on, fallen in love and got remarried a few months ago. Love of my life, absolutely feel a million times happier, and actually like myself now. We're very good together, and I only actually signed in here to read something she just posted. If I believed in soul mates I'd say I've found mine.

I spent a lot of time writing about love and the way I wanted to be treated by a partner, and now I have that. Which sadly has made me a bit lazy about writing, but someone recently asked if I was ever going to finish Love Game, and... maybe?

I'm poly, and have been falling in love with a new partner the last couple months, and I keep finding myself thinking silly things, realizing they sound familiar, and that I actually wrote these silly things in fics already. If my life were a fic, I'd tag this chapter: friends-to-lovers, idiots-to-lovers, slow-burn, minor-angst, unresolved-sexual-tension, making-out-in-doorways, self-esteem-and-growth, wearing-each-other's-clothes, and the classic, inspired by Simon Snow: I-didn't-know-I-liked-you-until-I-made-out-with-you (minus the burning forest) (see above, idiots-to-lovers)

anyway, hi, I'm here and I'm good. I know no one is likely to see this, but that's ok. message me here if you want, or reach out on discord.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I'm taking a bit of a break from fandom for a bit, but I don't think anyone else in my life would begin to understand this.

I'm reading AWTWB. And I just took a break to answer an email from my divorce lawyer. Because I'm getting divorced. And it's ok. I'm ok.

WS was the turning point that made me realize I needed to get divorced. And even then it took me a while to understand that. And a lot of panic attacks. Nearly two years of panic attacks.

Anyway, I'm good. I'm more than good. Even if AWTWB day also happens to be a court deadline. I'm good.

(Not checking messages here or on discord right now, not sure how long. Text if you need me and have my number.)

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I know I said I'm taking a break. Still am, this is all via the browser site.

I finished AWTWB.

I survived a scary milestone in my divorce.

And I'm 1200 words into a new fic, started as soon as I finished the book.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I'm taking a bit of a break from fandom for a bit, but I don't think anyone else in my life would begin to understand this.

I'm reading AWTWB. And I just took a break to answer an email from my divorce lawyer. Because I'm getting divorced. And it's ok. I'm ok.

WS was the turning point that made me realize I needed to get divorced. And even then it took me a while to understand that. And a lot of panic attacks. Nearly two years of panic attacks.

Anyway, I'm good. I'm more than good. Even if AWTWB day also happens to be a court deadline. I'm good.

(Not checking messages here or on discord right now, not sure how long. Text if you need me and have my number.)

[stardustasincocaine]

MINORS BEGONE; THIS AINT FOR YOU. Rainbow...don’t look.

BEHOLD! My second @monsterunderthebedfest entry for @warriorbeeofthesea’s fic Warmer.

SFW preview is below; NSFW link is below the cut.

Fic link: Warmer

Art Link: Afterglow

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I wrote a thing and @stardustasincocaine drew it!

@monsterunderthebedfest

SFW snippet, fic is NSFW:

“Wait.” I hold my hand up. “You asked him why he’s taking long showers?”

“Well, yeah.” He unwraps his sandwich and takes a bite, continuing to talk around a mouthful of food. “And he got really weird and defensive about it.”

I just keep staring. I don’t even know where to begin.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

New Fic: Meltdown

(Explicit fic!)

When I get like this, I don’t know what to do with myself. When I was a kid I would go off, and the pressure would all rush out of my chest and when it was done, I knew it was over. But now there’s nowhere for it to go.

Except… that’s not completely true.

Read more

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Evening reblog, in case you missed it.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

dude i’m literally so proud of you. idk what to say i am just really glad you’re starting to feel like yourself i know it’s such a wonderful feeling. from one transmasc person who took years to accept himself and then years to actually utter that thought to someone else, i get it and i hope you have every joy that comes with transitioning

Thank you, anon! It's really helped me to know I'm not alone.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

This is my voice 3 weeks on testosterone

I can't do that voice comparison thing, because I've spent my whole life manufacturing a voice, to fit what people expect me to sound like.

My voice feels different, three weeks in. But I don't know if it's just that I've finally given myself permission to sound like myself. However that is.

When I was 13, I was on the phone with a friend. Her sister picked up the line and eavesdropped, and then teased my friend about talking on the phone with a boy.

When my friend told me about it, I wanted to die. I was failing girlhood. So I tried harder. Faked harder. Hated myself more.

But now I'm just existing. And it's such a relief.

I read books out loud to my child. And it feels good. I used to have to stop because my voice would get tired and sore. But now I can go longer. Because my voice feels more like my own.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

New Fic: Meltdown

(Explicit fic!)

When I get like this, I don’t know what to do with myself. When I was a kid I would go off, and the pressure would all rush out of my chest and when it was done, I knew it was over. But now there’s nowhere for it to go.

Except… that’s not completely true.

Read more

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I am sad to see I missed @co-crack-fest while I was gone, but delighted to dig into the works.

I'm inspired to re-share my failed attempt at a crack fic back in 2019, when I was spending too much time on reddit, attempted to write something silly, but accidentally made it serious. Oops!

(This is an explicit fic, friends! Take care!)

Red Light, Stop

Rhys rolls his eyes, too. “They don’t care, Gareth. It’s stupid anyway.”

Gareth ignores him. “It’s a competition. To see who can go the longest without. You know.”

We all stare blankly at him. Baz speaks up. “We really don’t know, though.”

Rhys is blushing. “I told you, it’s stupid.”

Dev leans forward in his seat. “Well now I’m really curious. Do tell.”

“Oh!” Penny looks up from her porridge. “Are you hinting at No Nut November?” We all swivel our heads to gape at her. She shrugs. “What, I have the internet.”

Read more here

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Back from the dead: WIP Wednesday edition

Hey guys. Long time. Lot of life changes recently, including the fact that I'm writing again! Here's something I'm hoping to get out in the next week or so, mental health willing.

Sometimes it's like this -- I'm like this. Sometimes my mind flips over again and again until it hurts to breathe, and nothing will ever feel right again and--

"Shh, it's ok." Baz smoothes a hand across my back, settling on my crossed wrists. He touches my face with his other hand, brushing the hair off my brow. "Let it go, Simon. Some of it."

The first time he said that to me, I thought he'd made the words magic somehow. I didn't know how else to explain the way his voice melted into me and cleared every thought from my head. 

"Are you putting me under your vampire thrall?" I'd asked him, but by then he was busy working me apart with his mouth, and it didn't seem much to matter.

Now I'm pretty sure he just knows how to fuck me mindless.

Consider yourself tagged!

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Easter with family. (First after coming out as nonbinary)

Everyone is going out of their way to avoid referring to me in third person.

This is the future liberal america wants.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

An honest version of the letter I’m writing to come out to my family

Dear family, 

You don’t actually know me all that well. I’ve recently figured out why I’ve walked through my life feeling like a piece of me is missing; I don’t think you ever knew I felt any kind of loss like that. You never really saw the whole shape of me to understand the difference. 

I’m not the daughter or sister you think I am. I want to let you know that I’m trans nonbinary, I use they/them pronouns, and I’m changing my name. Yes, everyone else already knows and supports me. Yes, even in my professional life.

I don’t expect your support in this, but I need to be honest for my own sake. Every time you call me my old name, I don’t like the way I look at myself when I don’t correct you. When I don’t even try. 

I used to tell myself I didn’t care what you called me or how you thought about me. But I do. I do so much it hurts sometimes. 

I will not be taking any questions, nor will I be providing any kind of proof that I know what I’m talking about. If it helps, I could get a signed note from one of many trans people in my life, and in fact I do have a letter from my therapist, but it’s also kind of none of your business. 

And for fuck’s sake please google it. You sound like morons when you try to talk about this shit. 

Yours, but not really,

Bee

Editing to add: PS: You are the reason it took me so long to find myself. I thought being a man meant what you showed me, and who can blame me for wanting nothing to do with that toxicity. I've since learned that there are other ways to be men, or masc.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

Also, I just need to share that I changed my google account when I changed my name, and now Google is asking if I want it to use AI to recognize the people in my photos. So it presented me with 6 pictures and asked "are any of these you?"

They were:

2 pictures of me, 1 of my child as a baby, 1 of my mom, 1 of my ex and...

a photoshopped picture of WS cover Baz with a tear in his eye

[warriorbeeofthesea]

I've had a hard week, full of realizations about myself and my gender, and I've been dealing with it with close friends and my therapist, who met with me for an emergency session earlier this week.

I wrote a post about it a couple days ago, very open about my problems, and tagged it with content warnings, so I don't think more than 2 people saw it.

So here's the less triggering version of it, plus what I've learned in the meantime:

1. I have gender dysphoria, and it's triggered by things that I'm finding really unexpected. I used to think I didn't care if my family misgendered me, but apparently I do.

2. I am addicted to the approval of others. I've always relied so heavily on other people telling me who I am, that I don't know how to do it for myself. But I'm learning, and it's hard.

3. Part of who I am is transmasc. And I just shared that openly to my real-life community via a FB post.

4. And now I'm working up the courage to come out to my family, and ask the ones who already know to respect my name and pronouns.

5. Next week I'm exploring a few different medical transition options. Gonna be light on details, but this week I finally gave myself permission to schedule the scarier one of the two medical appointments.

6. I'm doing ok.

[warriorbeeofthesea]

(CW for mentions of self harm, suicidal ideation, gender dysphoria, dissociation, deadnaming, misgendering, blood)

I am not a woman.

And I also told my therapist yesterday that I wished I were dead.

I don't mean that I want to die, or that I want to kill myself. I just mean that everything would be simpler. I even started making plans. Not plans about dying, but plans about how to make things easier for my family. Giving everything to my ex so she can use it to take care of our child.

I also thought about how my family would talk about me after I'm gone. They'd use my deadname, and they'd call me she, and I wouldn't be around to feel anything about it.

I spent decades shoving my feelings down, making myself numb. And now that I'm not doing that, every little thing is like brushing an exposed nerve.

It used to be that my triggers came at me in a weird haze that I could misattribute as "I hate myself" and I'd take it out on myself. Through self harm, but I always feel like that term never conveyed exactly how much violence I put into it. Or wanted to put into it.

I wanted to destroy myself.

I've tried so hard to be, if not a "good" woman, at least an inoffensive one. No one has ever called me beautiful in a way I could believe. Not that I'm ugly, but that's the label closest to what feels true.

I think something has always felt wrong. There's a picture of me in my parents house that always makes my stomach drop when I see it. It was me in high school, at a school event where I had to dress up and do my makeup and hair. I look happy in the photo. Someone once told me I look serene. But all I remember from that day is crying so hard my nose bled all over my clothes. Washing my face, stripping off the blood, and then dissociating for the rest of the day while teachers ushered me around and did my hair, tied the laces on my dress, put me in the right places.

The first time I put on eyeliner after admitting to myself that I'm not a woman, I almost cried in relief. I have nice eyes. And they look good in makeup. The idea that I don't have to be "enough" woman, that I don't have to perform femininity as a way to prove myself? That was life changing.

I'm afraid of being a man. But I've been letting my mind poke around at the idea, and it feels good. But that's terrifying. What kind of man could I possibly be? How am I supposed to live without having my identity directed by others while I dissociate?

I'm seeing a surgeon next week to explore top surgery. I'm afraid, very afraid, but bracing for the relief I think it will give me. And I'm looking at my face, trying to figure out if there's anything I'd miss about it if I start testosterone. And there's really only my eyes, which won't change. The rest is just what I've held onto to prove I deserve to exist in this world.

I would think that having a solution in sight would make things better, but it just makes everything hurt more. Now I understand why I feel like this, and what feeling better could look like, every little thing hurts so badly.

I don't really want to die. But living in a way that is true and real feels close to impossible.

(I am talking with my close friends and my therapist about these feelings, so I don't need anyone to worry about my safety. I have people who know where I live and will rescue me if I need rescuing.)