bullet train au where everyone joins maria’s agency and, you’ll never guess, hijinks ensue
-conflicts maria at every turn. barely explains why. she’ll be saying “it’d be best not to draw attention to yourself” and he’s hid behind a wall loading a gun going, “mary, mary–” “no that’s not my name” “i know what i’m doing” and then hangs up.
-gets her name wrong to fuck with her. They have known each other since they were like fifteen
-hours between check-ins. he doesn’t ever pick up so she just leaves her office and goes about her day until he calls her, at which point he’s in a totally different continent with the police and two criminal organisations out for his blood.
-he was given an agency-mandated phone and he takes up most (all) of the storage because he keeps fucking downloading mobile games. almost got shot delaying running away because tetris is a time-sensitive game. turns down maria’s calls because he’s too invested in getting those stupid beweled butterflies away from that stupid spider. once his battery ran out during a mission. randomly sends maria, ladybug, whoever sporadic “let’s play 8 ball"s on messenger regardless of what time it is for either of them. no one has yet to turn them down.
-all of his missions totally derail. remember that time he assassinated the white death’s wife? remember what happened after? yeah that but, like, almost every time.
-every scene is messier than humanely possible. the higher-ups hate him because he always ends up causing damage because a) he keeps crashing his vehicles. not even because he’s a bad driver. he never hits anything on accident, but he does drive super fast. but his favourite method of assassination is everything’s-on-fire-oh-fuck car crashes. b) more people than necessary die. and a few buildings crash. ok a lot of buildings.
-abhors waiting. maria’s like “ok sit still for like fifteen minutes. i’ll have a car come get you” and he’s like “no” and then she hangs up and then he’s getting ice cream. takes so many detours. so many. somehow is never late tho.
-actually very stealthy. phases in and out of the centre of attention. one second you’re like “this guy is definitely up to something i can’t have him disappear” you look away for one second and the building is on fire.
-he likes fire. did i mention that?
-obviously does most of his jobs with lemon.
-takes detours because he is easily distracted by books and shiny things. he pays for nothing despite being richer than god. kleptomaniac fuck.
-calls maria at every inconvenience to complain. most of the time their calls begin with him shouting. "mARIA, LOVE, YOU’LL NEVER FUCKING GUESS WHAT THIS FUCKING DICKHEAD JUST DID” “try to kill you?” “what no i’m talking about lemon. he ate the biscuits you packed for the both of us! like a fucking twat!”
-most reliable with jobs with more than one location. thrives on chaos and instability, despite his objections.
-very fast driver. goes zoom. never crashes and good at loosing tails. because he’s a fucking car thief. however, he refuses to use cars he deems lame
-maria and lemon are the only people who can consistently tell when he’s bullshitting. “oh, don’t worry about that. everything going according to the half-baked absurdity your agency calls a plan.” “hm, yeah?” “yes” “i don’t think that’s completely true” and then he looks around wildly because he’s convinced she’s watching him. she’s not. but she knows.
-wakes up super early so he can spend an hour getting ready n shit. and then he gets upset at everyone for being behind schedule, as if the sun hasn’t yet to fucking rise.
-high demand. everyone knows the twins. people keep asking for them. but tangerine’s agonisingly pretentious, so if something’s not “worth their time”, he declines it. which shouldn’t actually be a thing he’s allowed to do, but people let him, because he’s one of the twins.
-his dumbass boyfriend (🐞) calls to ask if he’s okay. not tangerine, maria. he calls maria. unfortunately, he always calls when maria’s guiding him though a very Not Okay situation. that or tang’s been radio silent for a second and maria’s filing her nails going, “yes, ladybug, your boyfriend is fine. he hasn’t called about anything going wrong. he’ll be back soon. what no i don’t promise; i’m not tangerine. ok fine i promise. are you crying?–” and the camera pans to tangerine in a very Not Okay situation. the next time tang calls, maria connects the dots and is like “oh my god ladybug’s a bad omen” next time ladybug calls and nothing’s going on, she immediately calls tangerine, and what do ya know, he’s in an active gunfight with the yakuza.
-hates waking up early. his phone is on dnd at night. he gets notifications by morning, he just chooses to ignore them, even if it’s his handler (🪲) or his brother (🍊). except for carver’s “let’s play __” on messenger because he thinks it’s funny that 🍊 is so pissed off that he replies to fucking carver and not him.
-refuses to function without coffee. he goes to a bunch of cafes and has signature orders with so many specifications.
-downloaded thomas the tank engine on his agency-issued gadget to play random clips or episodes to prove his point about life and humanity or something.
-keeps misplacing said gadget. but it always shows up when he needs it.
-buys little souvenirs for people. except they’re never just random tourist shit. they’re specifically for that person. books, shiny things and lighters if it’s tangerine. stationary, perfume and bug-themed shit if it’s maria. pocket knives, postcards and memorabilia for yuichi. wacky/themed mugs, keychains and watches for ladybug. toys and stickers for wataru. the list goes on. and yes he fucking pays (side eye at 🍊)
-sneaks snacks into the bag/pocket of whoever his partner/s are. except it’s not really sneaking because they always notice, even if they don’t tell him. except for wolf, who somehow never notices and assumes he packed it himself even if he has no memory of doing so.
-calls whenever something happens or they’re moving locations (the normal way and time youre supposed to call your handler). BUT sometimes he just calls when he’s bored or pissed at his partner but wants to talk to someone.
-most if not all of his jobs go well, at least in the end (ignore the bullet train he survived that one). relatively easy to handle because he doesn’t do anything outrageously outside of the script. it’s always a close call, though. he’ll lose something important and only find it the moment he actually needs it. he always get a little way too close to getting stabbed or shot.
-most of his conversations with maria derail (get it) because he never stops talking about thomas the tank engine, which is a much more interesting topic than the kidnapping the currently most prominent yakuza faction that formed in the power vacuum the white death left is plotting.
-he gets most of his jobs by maria calling him going “there’s a political official who just wrapped up a speech two blocks away from you. do you have a gun?” “i always have a gun.”
-actually relatively easy to handle. doesn’t get into shit. barely takes detours. just wants to get paid.
-most of his jobs go by really quick and easy, but every now and again maria will pick up the phone and the first thing he says is “what the fuck” before launching into a rant about how none of this was his fault but now the street is on fire and the house is on fire and everything is on fire and he doesn’t even know how.
-he likes doing stakeouts because they’re low stakes low effort barely-even-have-to-care type jobs. he just watches movies for like four hours and then leaves for a few minutes to shoot someone or take a photo. and then he goes home.
-sometimes turns down jobs because there’s no one to hang out with wataru. percy happened to be in the room once and offered to watch wataru but was immediately shut down because yuichi is not trusting him with his son. ladybug was also there and was like “hey wait you don’t let me turn down jobs–” and then maria left.
-also maria, lemon, etsuko (cart girl), shigeru and the nurse assassin (i’m certain y'all have given her a name by now what is it) are the only people he trusts to watch wataru. lemon isn’t actually trustworthy and always calls someone else to help him.
-always brings back toys or snacks for wataru after his missions because he doesn’t have the time/energy to go out often
-checks in at normal intervals but forgets to mention integral information. “yes, i have the case.” “have you run into anyone?” “no. is that all?” “you can hang up now.” five minutes later maria gets a call saying “Also the case is empty. Is it supposed to be empty?” “…No, Yuichi. The case is not fucking supposed to be empty.” maria has to waste all of their time asking extremely detailed questions.
-falls asleep during waiting/transit like the fucking dead. if someone calls, the ringing and the vibrating will not fuckin wake this man up. His partners on the mission have to shake him awake and that takes damn well minutes. twice he’s gotten water splashed on his face. (once by tangerine who is notoriously impatient, once by ladybug who fucking panicked okay he’s so sorry)
-yuichi gets thirsty. yuichi steps outside for two minutes to get something to drink. he returns to the mission site. three organisations have infiltrated the assignment and are at each other’s throats. everything he needs is nowhere to be found. everything is on fire. life is TERRIBLE
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
andulkaphoto
jacobvanloon
kianamaiart
kaledo-art
