tengo sentimientos encontrados. its really between whether to vent or not & to who if i decide to. i suppose i can just do it here.
i’m not sure exactly how i feel. i think its a little bit of everything at once. i’m upset, but at the same time i’m not. i’m annoyed but at the same time indifferent. i wish there was a way to say what i’m thinking to someone without them feeling bad or lashing out. but idk. i’m talking in circles here.
what i think is that i’m a product of my environment. i grew up in a home where we didn’t talk about how we felt or think therefore communication is always shitty. i grew up w my brother making me feel small because of my lack of intelligence, my lack of interest in his interests, or just generally making me feel .. small. which is quite ironic since i am the younger sister but still. he’s always made me feel uncomfortable. or has that been myself the entire time? idk. i feel like he’s unapproachable. that i can’t share who i am with him. i can’t share my interests, my disinterests or anything that’s mine. he consistently talks to me openly about his stuff, well, to a certain extent & i just sit & listen then comment if that’s whats he’s looking for. i can’t bring myself to do that with him. i don’t even know how to change that either. i feel as though talking to him, my intelligence is consistently being challenged & i feel like its walking on eggshells. anything & everything i say will be used against me. how infuriating is that. who ever wants to feel that way.
reverting back to what i said to if its myself making it feel uncomfortable.... its funny though cus the other day i was thinking of what i need to change in myself & how i can become a better person & that came up in my inner monologue. maybe i am the person that makes the energy heavy... maybe i am the person making it uncomfortable & i don’t realize it. i don’t know how to find that out but i’m willing to change that. really, there’s so many other things i’m willing to change about myself too. things that i’m making the initiative to change.
i need to be less judgmental, less concerned with what others think of me & what i think of them in their way of life. we’re all different & i can’t force anyone or should i want to force someone to live the way i want them to live. everyone is bound to make their own mistakes & live in their own worlds, who am i to decide whats right or wrong for them. but just like that, i need to disregard people’s unwanted opinion or statements about myself. of course i need to be able to take constructive criticism. but also learn the difference between when its real criticism & when its their reflection they’re seeing & not me.
i need to be more open to change & be willing to start that change too. i think im getting too comfortable in a way of life that no longer serves me any good but instead, makes me hella anxious & panicky. the way i have to go about this one kinda trips me out since its a big change & idk how to start but i know i have to.
annaxmalina
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