Letterspill

Emma (any pronouns) REQUEST A POEM FROM ME FOR FREE A writer and a poet Musician Seeker of hope (that thing with the feathers) There is a direct correlation between how much I post and how much inner turmoil I am in

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

<3

<3 :)

[totallycirclek]

Trying to prove a point to my transphobic parents

Reblog if trans men are REAL, VALID AND HANDSOME MEN, NO MATTER HOW THEY CHOOSE TO PASS

Reblog if trans women are REAL, VALID, AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, NO MATTER HOW THEY CHOOSE TO PASS

And finally, because it's a part of my argument for this point, and also because they are,

Reblog if nonbinary and genderqueer people in general, are REAL, VALID, AND GORGEOUS PEOPLE, NO MATTER HOW THEY PASS

[sensoryscorpio]

@walmart-the-official @isaac-regretz @0dividedby0haha do yalls thing

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

And if you knew that I was like this,

barely able to walk,

stuck in bed,

melting in place like a burnt marshmallow,

would you still care if I lived or died?

Or would you

shake me off your boots

like the piece of broken shit I am?

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

All this beauty around me

but someone

has pulled my eyes from their sockets.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I sit and rot in my own pain. The years crust my skin like a scab on a skinned knee, and they weigh me down, heavier than you would think for something from a life that’s barely even begun. My eyes are filled with grit and foggy breath from the ghosts that slip their fingers into my spine and thread netting in my ribcage. I haven’t breathed in a year. Or was it two?

And now I think they’re tying weights into my limbs. Fishing sinkers have been embedded into my earlobes like the pearl studs rich women wear.

I prepare myself to be buried. Are these flies for me?

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I thought I was okay.

I really thought I’d

made it through the woods, chest burning

from the weight

of pulling myself out alive.

But then there was a river,

and a bridge,

and I slipped on the smooth cedar boards.

Now I’m drowning drowning drowning

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I am picking the dopamine

out of my skin

as though

I will be able to

slot it firmly in the place where my heart used to live.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I am attempting to train my cat to get used to a crate and leash so that it is easier to transport her during an upcoming move, and I am mildly terrified she is going to start developing kitty anxiety.

The leash, she does not seem to mind, but the crate is bit of a problem. See, I know she is safe in there, and I bribe her to go in with treats! But once she is inside, even though I attempt to give her treats when she is calm, she starts sticking her paw out the little fency door bit and actively trying to mess with the latch bit (she can’t actually unlock it, but she is SOLIDLY trying, she must have noticed me doing it and figured out what it did). And then I just watch her scrabbling somewhat frantically as I try to gently pet her through the fencing and say soothing stuff in the hopes that it calms her down.

Anyway, if folks have suggestions feel free, but I mostly just wanted to scream into the void. I desperately hope my cat doesn’t think I am torturing her on purpose because she did something wrong. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

Hmmm.

I’m alive

again.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

And when I

bleed to nothing in your arms,

who will be left

to keep you alive as I have?

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I need to break through

the viscera that surrounds me, crack the

smooth surface

of the shell that has grown

over my skin and

s t r e t c h

until my bones no longer touch each other, and my joints dislocate, and I am finally, truly

free.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

The droplet on my tongue

tastes like blood and salt.

I’ve

heard it all before, as they beg me to “be nice, stay quiet, be sensible.”

I think about the darkness,

how they let it creep inside me,

because the light?

That was to be saved for others

“so don’t be so goddamn

selfish

manipulative

greedy.

What you need will come to you in time, if it’s mean to be yours.”

I am oh so tired, dearest,

of settling for the richest of scraps

instead of

sitting at the table

that I helped you build with my own hands.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

You don’t know

how well I’ve learned to hide.

They taught me that

you can never show fear, or hurt, or you will hurt those

who wish to lean on you.

But secretly,

I hope to god that someone does choose to lean on me.

I want to see the look on their face

when they fall.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

May the next man

who touches me

feel how fragile my bones have become.

May he carry me

not to his bed, or to mine,

but to the hospital, where I belong.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

You think I am afraid of failure?

I am used to it.

Now all I am

is tired.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

One of these days

my chains will crack,

and there will no longer be anything to stop me

from falling to a futile heap

on this cold, unforgiving cobblestone floor.

[we-watch-the-sky-bleeding]

I am so, so tired.

I need to fight the sun,

bring a night

that lasts for months so I can rest

instead of constantly pushing forward

while my bones are crumbling.

I cannot breathe.

I don’t think I’ve been able to

for a while.

My edges turn to ash,

and the wind carries them away.