a ranking of crowley hair
1. eden, 4004 bc. it’s okay. he’s getting the hang of hair. not entirely sure what he wants to do with it yet. fun curls, kinda snakey. not bad, necessarily, but not quite there yet. 7/10
2. mesopotamia, 3004 bc. better! just look at those braids! still waiting for people to invent mirrors, i guess, or maybe just putting the braids wherever he feels like it when he’s bored. either way, it’s a good gay look. 9/10
3. golgotha, 33 ad. again, not much has changed. no more visible braids, but the hood! he’s adding to the drama! you really can’t go wrong with hood and long hair drama. 8/10
4. rome, 41 ad. NOW things are getting shaken up. gay and impulsively cut all his hair off. but it’s not good! please stop. extra points for the fun little crown. 2/10
5. the kingdom of wessex, 537 ad. no visible hair. 1/10 for helmet
6. the globe theatre, 1601. the hair? not bad. flowy. has good volume, good waves. the beard? noooooo. 4/10
7. paris, 1793. STOP. just STOP. mr crowley sir go back to your room and redo your hair this minute. 0/10
8. st. james’s park, 1862. he gets points for the top hat. and those sunglasses? iconic. but he gets minus so many points for the sideburns. 3/10
9. london, 1941. good hat, though it covers his hair, making it hard to judge. likely it’s just short and slicked back. not bad, but boring. 5/10
10. soho, 1967. i will admit, the more i look at it, the more this one looks kinda cute in a lesbian way. or maybe it’s the pathos of “you go too fast for me” he has to deal with that’s getting to me. whatever the case, 1967 crowley hair is doing okay. 7/10
11. demon disco dancing, 1970s. ahhhhhh. someone please make him shave. extra pity point for his dancing. 2/10
12. london, 2007. good, good, much improved. cute and ready to party. 9/10
13. nanny, 2012. he’s obviously putting in some real effort here. he knows what he thinks nannies should look like and he’s going hard for it. unfortunately what he thinks is a good nanny look is not entirely flattering on him, but he’s trying. 6/10 for effort
14. not nanny, 2012. okay now THIS. THIS is the pinnacle of crowley hair. just LOOK at that little half bun barely constrained by the hair tie. it’s cute! it’s fun! it’s flirty! peak hairstyle for trying to tempt your boyfriend into running his fingers through to pull it out of its confines. 100/10
15. present day. well, he looks like david tennant. i mean he is david tennant, and this is david tennant’s actual hair, but there’s just something about this sort of sticky uppy hairstyle that is inextricable from doctor who for me. still, obviously it isn’t a bad look for him. 8/10
16. this one’s just sad and gay. 10/10 for somebody to love
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