After spending the last two weeks working exclusively in the clinic I thought I’d share some of my experiences through a little known list of doctor facts*. Enjoy.
There is a huge doctor surplus, each physician at my clinic has about 20 patients, max
When not seeing patients I’m just sitting in the back room playing on tumblr and pintrest
Before walking into an exam room I sometimes ask to be called out so that I can continue playing tumblr and pintrest
I can diagnose anything over the phone, I only make you come in because your $10 copay is paying for my boat
Anything you come in with can be cured by a pill that only has to be taken once a month and works even if you forget to pick it up from the pharmacy
This pill is also completely paid for by your insurance
It also has no side effects
The only reason I recommend flu vaccinations is because big pharma pays me like a million dollars for every shot I give
When you arrive 45 minutes for an appointment and I say I’ll squeeze you in, remember that I only have like 20 patients total. So be sure to complain loudly to everyone who walks by and to swear loudly at me when I finally get in. Without your complaining I’d never learn to be on time
The fact you dropped out of MA school half way through definitely makes you more qualified to make a medical diagnosis than me
In fact, the only reason I went to college, medical school, and residency is because I’m really dumb and couldn’t learn everything as fast as you could
Other people who are more qualified to give medical opinions than me: your friends, the internet, celebrities, your neighbor the nursing assistant
The only reason I order blood work is to feed the lab vampire
There are only two medical professions, doctors and nurses. All men are doctors, all women are nurses
We get everything in the office for free, so please help yourself to all the tongue depressors, gloves, and otoscopes you can carry
There are only two pills in the world, the light one and the pink one, so I totally know which medicine you are on by the color of the pill you take
Your runny nose is allergies, but in case it’s something else I’m going to give you a z pack and order a head CT
*None of these are facts. Enjoy your satire.
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