My dear ex (bucktommy love letters serie)
You might have forgotten about it but once upon a time i started a serie of love letters from Tommy to Buck. I wrote one today, which is big because i stopped writing recently because i am fucking miserable.
This letter is 8x11 coda, it doesn't look really happy and hopeful but i am a true believer of endgame!bucktommy so i'll write more happy ones! Some letters are episodes inspired, some are not, you can find them on ao3 . Feel free to check the rest of my work, it might help me find motivation?? idk. Anyway, new letter incoming!
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My dear ex,
The word competition shouldn't have come out of my mouth the other day. Everything was going so well before I cracked it open. I'd managed to find your favorite variety of apples, my bacon was cooked to perfection, and the sun was shining in your new kitchen when you got up and joined me, gorgeous as always.
And I ruined it.
And then you ruined it, too.
My psychologist says I have to stop blaming myself all the time, that I have to accept that others make mistakes too. But I'm not sure the words you said were a mistake. Not as if I could ask you to explain, not after leaving like a coward -again.
It's not the first time I've fallen back into the arms of an ex. It's not the first time I've slept with someone despite the pain of a break-up. It's not the first time I've been the only one to feel hopeful again. But every time it ends the same way, Evan, with my heart in pieces and a head full of shame.
I wish I didn't regret this moment, I wish I didn't want to see you again. But I can't help it, I can't do without you. You're everywhere, all the time, and I naively thought that your presence the other night in the same bar as me was a sign.
You've made it clear that you don't have feelings for me, but I'm still hanging on anyway, a masochist who doesn't know when to give up.
You may not have feelings for me Evan, but I do. I'm crazy about you, crazy about what we once were. Six months that changed my life, that damaged me too. What do I do now?
Part of me wants to knock on your door -Eddie's door. Maybe I could, with a little effort, make you fall in love with me? Maybe I could settle for a one-sided love if only you'd offer me a place by your side. It would hurt me, it would make myself disrespect me, but I don't have anything else to do. I don't deserve better and I don't need better.
All I need is you.
You can love who you want, you can not love at all. But I beg you, let me love you a little.
I hope you don't mind that I opened a few boxes that morning.
Please forgive me,
Tommy
