31 Horror Movies of my October 2021 in one paragraph each (Reviews)
Purchase the collage on Etsy.
Mostly forgettable Gothic that feels like a missed the boat Hammer Horror film. Some dreamy photography and disturbingly mustache-free Sam Eliot make it an OK watch. Rating: C
Much more craft to this than I expected. The opening 10 minutes or so pass by with scarcely a word uttered beyond a car radio, a surreal mix of nighttime 70s Los Angeles streets mixed with increasingly gruesome, pointless murder as news broadcasters and preachers rave. Excellent atmosphere. Unfortunately, most of the acting, especially the male lead, is “rough” at best…with the exception of genre star Cameron Mitchell as a man who might be the killer, who gets a solid 12 minutes straight to take over a scene and explain his madness almost directly to the audience in a riveting unfolding of a heart. Rating: B-
Puppet Master director’s earlier slasher. Everything from mannequins to psychic powers is here and there is a lot to like, but it never pulled together for me. Still an interesting watch I can recommend. C+
How Japan’s involvement in World War II and the Atomic Bomb goes on to hurt the next generation of their youth, but as a psychedelic, borderline whimsical, series of supernatural murders. Under comedy lies the tragedy. Seemingly every cinematic technique is deployed, sometimes at once, in an audacious display of craft. For fans of Lynch…and Evil Dead. A+
When a Stranger Calls (1979)
Nearly 25 minute, edge of the seat cold open that inspired Scream is the stuff engrossing Hitchcock (or Carpenter) style suspense is made of. By the time the title dropped, I was expecting a masterpiece, then the remaining 65 minutes happened. The film loafs around, chronicling the escaped killer almost strictly to his POV, as he actually tries to not kill, be a normal person, but is forced by pressures around him into murder. That sounds like it would make for a gripping psychological study or satire, but it doesn’t - not here. C-
Strange preceding the 9/11 decade of horror with a film about a plane crash and terrorism suspicion. Balances the dark humor with actual characterization and musing on grief, making the kids feel pretty real. Even in the first installment there’s an all-timer death as we watch a teacher get set on fire by her computer, blown across a room, hit by exploding glass, have a knife fall into her, a chair fall and hammer the knife in more, and her house explode. Ending still feels like no one knew how to end this thing, but fair enough. Tony Todd the GOAT. A-
Final Destination’s inspiration but played more straight. Instead of accidents, we mostly have specters of the dead haunting the survivor. Eerie, its strength is almost more in its sense of pervading isolation, no matter if its your own house or the middle of a crowded city. Everything is so still, so dead. Only taking it down some for a repetitive feeling middle. B+
Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979)
With all due respect to Joe Bob Briggs, but the production’s cheapness lends this a surreal off-kilter vibe that gets old fast. No dialogue since it was all lost, so we only have narration by the killer as he stalks very real LA streets. Might be worth sampling the first few scenes to get the general idea of it but even 1 hour 15 minutes seems like twice the length if all you have is scenes of a guy narrating why he hates sluts before cutting someone up. F+
Three adaptations of horror author Richard Matheson’s stories with Karen Black as a different role in each, only one of which is really worth anything. “Julie” is Hot For Teacher Gone Wrong and ends where it should only be getting started. “Millicent and Therese” is a see it a mile away twist without a story. “Amelia” is about a possessed Zulu hunter doll trying to murder the titular woman in her apartment and is what makes this anthology still talked about (also the only one actually adapted by Matheson himself - it shows): captures the short story well, works around only having a doll prop with creative camera angles, and is a steady build to all out chaos. Haunting final scene that brings the emotional backbone of the short into focus, too. C+, D-, B+ respectively.
Final Destination 2 (2003)
Hiring a stunt actor turned director and going full black edgy comedy was the right move since you can’t recapture the original. We were all in that place in 2003, anyway. The opening accident has to be seen to be believed, just pure madness. B
Once again, Cameron Mitchell strikes. OKish if predictable slasher here with decent enough atmosphere and a sense that the film makers really wanted it to be more. It isn’t, but that’s ok. C+
The Curse of Kazuo Umezu (1990)
Anime anthology adaptation of two stories by Junji Ito’s main inspiration, Kazuo Umezu - AKA the guy responsible for the manga behind the “This is my hole! It was made for me!” meme. The first story, “What Will the Video Camera Reveal?” Is a slow build to a deranged climax and sort of a vampire story. The clear standout of the two. The second is called “The Haunted Mansion” is no slouch, but can’t live up to the first since it has less time to work with. Expect body horror in both. B+
Final Destination 3 (2006)
Was not with this at all for the first half, the mostly CGI based accidents feeling like cheap imitations, but the back half goes strong. As far as death based set piece settings go a town’s July 4th bash is an inspired one. ALSO: suggests 9/11 was another Final Destination type event in Death’s Plan? B-
The Laughing Target (1987)
Who knew the creator of Inuyasha did a straight up horror with some of the same otherworldly love triangle elements earlier in her career? Short anime adaptation full of strikingly beautiful backgrounds, sensuous as it is at times forbidding. Captures the tragedy of love gone wrong well. B+
Going to admit I could barely pay attention to this one beyond some striking black and white camera work of shadows on walls early on. Sorry Carl Dryer gang. N/A
Feels a bit like Dead & Buried at first. Strange secrets around a funeral home. Old secrets people kill for. Not remotely as good, but plenty charming. Bill Paxton as a nerdy high schooler who skips to class in sweater vests and tries to pick up dates by bragging about his new Mozart vinyl is worth a watch, especially as he is revealed to be the killer sneaking about in a Phantom of the Opera style get up. C+
Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker (1983)
Begins with the implication that a husband and wife are murdered in an auto accident by the wife’s sister so she can raise their toddler and groom him - gets darker from there. Labeled as a slasher, for the first hour this is pretty deathless other than a single murder by the reverse Mrs. Bates psycho aunt, but features a harrowing depiction of railroaded justice as an equally nightmarishly to the aunt police chief does everything in his power to get the wrong man. The man who the aunt murdered was gay and the now teen adopted boy has a gay coach, so in the mind of the chief the aunt is covering for the boy…and not the other way around. I haven’t seen the actor who plays him before, but there’s a normalcy to everything he does that’s terrifying. This all climaxes in a bonkers final act that is absolutely and fully a slasher, with but with a role reversed “final boy”. They go all out: decapitations, people set on fire, a Cape Fear-esque Biblical battle in water. A-
Slasher set in the woods that starts out pretty well but reveals its killed halfway through as a redneck with big bushy eyebrows and a pot belly. All the great atmosphere of the woods at night vanishes. Some decent kill effects remain. C+
Final Destination 4 (2009)
Without 3D the CGI stands out pretty badly. The stupidest one, but entertaining and I appreciate the meta of one of these ending in a movie theater. C+
John Huston retire bitch only good he didn’t because he bounced back somehow to make The Dead. F+
You mean the female lead with the traumatic childhood in the mostly male cast is the very obviously telegraphed as female killer? What a mystery! D
Homely Southern slasher. Doesn’t get as much out of the funeral home bed and breakfast (!) gimmick as you’d expect but has some charm. C
Final Destination 5 (2011)
Cool twist gimmick (“take a life, save your own life”) is only deployed in the final 30 minutes for a few scenes. Intro accident is once again impressive. Takes a long time to slowly establish the rules despite being the last one of these ever. The big twist at the end got me and it connects most of the series in a way I didn’t expect. C+
Goes for sadness more than creepiness and works well for it. Like the better monster movies, the real monster is just man putting his own desires ahead of his good. Excellent scene where we get the background on the dad as his actor’s goofy and sweet facade crumbles to reveal a demented, self-interested schemer by having him talk directly to camera. B
Godfather cinematographer in one of his few directorial efforts. Talia Shire is a woman violently assaulted by a man, hired by a woman obsessed with her. Much more emotionally focused and careful with handling this sort of storyline for something from 1980 than I would ever expect. Climax isn’t a series of bodies but a whispered conversation on a roof ending in tears. B
Deadly Games AKA Dial Code Santa Claus
Clear inspiration for Home Alone, but this is part horror, part fairy tale, all French. An unknown man who comes to believe he is Santa Claus stalks a rich young boy and his grandpa in their family’s mansion. The boy must fight back using traps, but this isn’t Home Alone, this is very R-rated. At times whimsical, at times tense, this one is taken to another level by massive amounts of effort put into the actual film making of the simple story. i.e., the boy is stuck on the roof and it zooms out until the winter struck building is like something caught in a snow globe. A+
Night of the Demon (1980)
Bigfoot rips a random bypasser's dick off in graphic detail. B-
For a film about a stereotypical green alien being a slasher and doing Predator in the backwoods of America, this is mostly uneventful. Led by stars Cameron Mitchell, Martin Landau, and Jack Palance we’re mostly treated to POV shots of a shadow in the woods and kills almost all consist of following a sci-fi boomerang as it guts someone. Every time. D+
He Knows You’re Alone (1980)
Tom Hanks is fully formed as a charismatic actor in his first major role as a Slasher Boyfriend who is dating one of the brides stalked by a killer. More effort than expected on the mood of each locale, but mostly boring. C-
First direct to video horror film in existence, made by a porn producer and his crew of regulars over a week. Remember what I said about the cheapness of Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher giving it an off kilter vibe? It’s that, but it doesn’t get old - ever. Like an alien impression of a film, or a Neil Breen slasher. B+
Brian Yunza might not quite have his friend Stuart Gordon’s skill, but this is an impressive debut that’s also thoroughly sickening for how much it Just Goes For It. Eat the rich before they eat the poor, literally. A-
Highly biographic movie about a Film Twitter guy losing it and going after people in ways that mimic old Hollywood movies. The he deaths are highly entertaining and you do get to see Mickey Rourke play a jock bully type who gets gunned down in an alley by a cowboy, but the build up trying to make the lead film geek sympathetic before he snaps is entirely too long and unearned. C+
Don’t Go in the Woods (1981)
Commits the cardinal sin of Just Before Dawn by fully revealing the slasher as something not quite threatening but does it even quicker and without the skillful atmosphere building of that film. Cheapness of it did make me chuckle. You could see them having something more with it all being about people who go into the woods and lose their humanity, turning into killers, but there’s just no skill. D
As Above, So Below (2014)
The most accurate Tomb Raider movie despite not having much in the way of action. A crew of explorers led by a British woman who wants to prove a crazy claim of her father descends into the catacombs under Paris, entering Hell itself where they must confront their sins to escape. Even has some Tomb Raider puzzle solving. Feels not entirely horror until the end, but a fun adventure type movie on a small budget. B
Nice intro scenes free of dialogue and cool retro sci-fi production design flow into a mostly silly movie about Harvey Keitel trying to seduce a bland Farrah Fawcet away from Kirk Douglas. Keitel is out of his element. Oh, and British novelist Martin Amiss (!) wrote the screenplay somehow. I think it is meant to be a heavily satirical look at the future of man, with Douglas as the aging last remnant of how we used to be (are now) and Keitel as the amoral, cold and calculating man of the future. Of course the killer robot the movie suddenly becomes about eventually wears his head and talks with his voice. C+
Just an all around fun time with a killer whose gimmick is that he changes costumes with each kill, so he's sort of an Invisible Man at times. Strong cast, unique location for the slasher of a train that I'm surprised doesn't get repeated (if you have even stock footage of an exterior you can reuse one or two set rooms infinitely for cheap), and a tense climax. B+
Low budget direct to video slasher that also tries to tackle racism against Native populations. Way ahead of Halloween Kills on being about mob justice and unfocused violence in a slasher, but not so smartly decides to have a character lynched entirely off-screen so we don’t feel the effect. Patrick MacNee does not seem like he should be the father of a small town America girl who has no trace of accent. C
A staggering work, a masterpiece, it is all it is said to be. The poetics of its horror cannot be understated. Eyes watch from winter backdrops. One section is entirely narrated in song. Doomed love and doomed honor abounds. A+
Eyes of a Stranger (1981)
Competent slasher about a man who calls a news anchor before every kill. Goes Rear Window later and uses its seaside apartment set well for suspense, but nothing special beyond the stellar takedown of the killer. C+
I meant to catch this in theaters before everything that happened in 2020 did, wish I had managed it. The Invisible Man character has always been a man turned into a criminal by lack of eyes on him, the lack of others witnessing him letting his worst impulses go out of control: the update here is that he already is a criminal with a degree of invisibility provided by wealth and status as a tech innovator. Speaking of tech, here the largeness of the frame itself is a threat. Leigh Whannell fills shots with openness, goes out further than usually needed even for simple conversations between two characters: the implication in our minds is clear, the invisible man might be - probably is - somewhere at work in these scenes. Sometimes your suspicions are rewarded, sometimes not. Features a twist that actually makes the rest of the movie make more sense, not less, when it hits. A
Does not live up to its title all the time but good goofy fun. A priest with a gun and a thin backstory about creating a super soldier (?) pursues Florentine Michael Myers, who is a guy with tousled hair and a beard. The most Italian portrayal of an American town celebrating the Super Bowl. The main house is possibly a countryside villa. C+
So what did I get out of 2021's horror crop?:
1. Golden Age Slashers (70s-80s) were of higher quality than expected, even if only a few stood out as gems (Unseen, Terror Train) in their own right, but boy there sure are a lot of them. I set out with a goal of seeing all of them in chronological order and even not needing to check out the franchise ones (Halloween, Friday, etc.) and some other major ones (The Prowler) I never even reached 1984.
2. Final Destination feels like the franchise of the 00s next to Saw. The black comedy and focus on seemingly random, senseless Rube Goldberg deaths fits the nihilism of the world at the time, murder made into clockwork not unlike Jigsaw. As we all know now, there is always another accident around the corner.
3. Bigfoot graphically ripped off that bypasser's dick for no reason!
Happy Halloween...again and again.
The 31 one paragraph reviews will return in 2022.