18. Things you said when you were scared
Mulder entered Scully’s hospital room, pausing in thedoorway as he took in the sight of his partner, curled up in the bed with her back to the door. Hestepped inside, taking care not to make a sound, and walked over to the bed, coming to a stand in front of her. She was so pale and sleeping so soundly thatfor a moment he panicked and thought the end had come, but then he registeredher measured breathing and allowed himself to relax, just a little. He reachedout tentatively, brushing his hand through her hair, then changed his mind. Thelast thing he wanted to do was wake her, after all Scully needed her rest,especially now. As he watched her sleep Mulder felt his emotions bubble to thesurface. This was all his fault. Scully should be living a long and happy life,not spending time in hospital hooked up to all kinds of machines while her bodyeventually gave up on her. She should die from old age in her own bed with herhusband and children around her, not from cancer, cancer given to her to punishher for working on the X Files. To punish them both. He’d been promised a cure forhis partner, but the chip had yet to make any difference to her health. Without a viable cure Scullywas going to die, and despite his best efforts, there was nothing he could doto save her.
His legs buckling with the realization that he’d failed, Mulder sank to hisknees, feeling the tears begin to fall. Scully was everything to him, hecouldn’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his life. Resting his headon the edge of the mattress he cried, unable to stop the sobs from escaping ashe laid his hand on Scully’s arm, wanting to feel her, to reassure himself thatfor the moment she was still alive. He was so caught up in his emotions that hedidn’t feel the mattress shift, and it wasn’t until he heard his partner speakthat he realized Scully was no longer asleep.
He lifted his head, instantly sobering as he saw Scullylooking down at him, her face tired but full of concern. “Hey.”
“Mulder what’s happened?”
He forced a smile. “Nothing. Sorry for waking you.”
Scully however, had always been able to see through hislies. Coming awake she reached out, wiping away his tears. “Has something happened?”
Not trusting himself to speak, Mulder shook his head. Hetook a deep breath, trying to compose himself. “Everything’s fine.” Except forthe fact you’re dying, his mind supplied.
Her own eyes clouding with tears, Scully took hold of hishand, squeezing it tightly. She tugged, encouraging him to stand up and joinher on the bed, but he shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, feeling afresh wave of emotion threaten to overwhelm him.
“Mulder, please.” She tugged on his hand once more and thistime he rose, perching on the side of Scully’s hospital bed. Pulling him in towardsher, she wrapped her arms around him and encouraged him to lie down next to her,guiding his head onto her chest. She held him silently while he cried, rubbinghis back and kissing his crown tenderly, aware that he’d speak when he wasready. When he finally looked up he realized she was crying too. “I didn’t meanto wake you,” he repeated, wiping away her tears this time.
He huffed out a laugh. Everything was wrong. “I’m scaredScully,” was all he replied. Scully nodded in understanding.
“I don’t want you to die.” That was the understatement ofthe century.
“I know you don’t.” She sniffed and kissed him once again.
“I’m not going to let you die.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here.” He tried to pull away butScully was in no hurry to relinquish her grasp on him. Instead he settled forscooting up in the bed so his head was resting on her pillow and the two ofthem were eye to eye. “I just came in to check on you. The last thing you needright now is me throwing a pity party.”
She gave him a sad smile. “I’m glad you’re here,” shereplied, to his surprise. “My mom and Bill look at me as though I’m already dead, the doctorstoo. You’re the only one who hasn’t given up on me.” Her voice hitched as shecontinued. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
“I can’t give up on you,” he said. “I’m not willing to letyou go.”
“Mulder, when the time comes –”
Mulder reached out, pressing his finger to Scully’s lips tosilence her. “Don’t give up,” he replied, telling himself that as much as hispartner. “Just promise me that.”
“I can’t imagine a world with you Scully,” he continued,moving his hand and wrapping his arm around her waist. “I don’t want to imaginea world with you in it. I can’t do this without you. I love you.”
His words were met with silence, and for a moment Mulderwondered whether Scully had even heard him. But she had, her frown telling himeverything he needed to know. He waited for her to push him away, to order himout of her hospital room, but she didn’t. She wasn’t angry, he realized. Just alittle confused.
“Mulder, if you’re saying this just because I’m dying –”
“No,” he interrupted, eager for her to know that wasn’t thecase. “I mean it, I’ve meant it for a long time now. I should have saidsomething sooner but…well I figured I didn’t want you to shoot me again, so Ineeded to wait until you were in hospital without your weapon to hand.” Fresh tears clouded her eyes, and forthe first time that night Mulder allowed himself to smile. “I love you Scully.I love you for having my back, for sticking with me through everything, forkeeping me honest, for trusting me and believing in me. I love you forfighting, for being strong and for not giving up.” He sniffed, rubbing his noseagainst hers in an eskimo kiss. “And even though I’m a little scared you’re aboutto punch me, I want you to get better…no, I need you to get better, so I cantake you out to dinner and buy you flowers and dance with you and make everyother guy and girl in the room jealous, and to take you home and kiss you onthe doorstep so that all of your neighbors see that I’m the luckiest guy in theworld.”
As he paused, Scully opened her mouth to speak. He waitedfor her to tell him he was an idiot, or to ask him to go home, but instead shesurprised him. “And then what happens?” She snuggled in closer, and Mulder knewhe would do absolutely anything in his power to make his wishes for them come true.
“And then…I would make you breakfast in bed the nextmorning.”
She kissed him tentatively on the lips. It all happened soquickly that he was almost convinced he was dreaming. “I love you too.”
annaxmalina
germansingergirl
2087
janainaart
