âYou know,â Jason croaks hoarsely, his throat tight with pain and his chest burning from the effort of speaking, âin our line of work, no one expects to live forever.â He pauses to gulp for air that burns as it goes down, and he clenches his eyes shut at the pain the effort causes himâand at how his headache is being exacerbated by Bruce banging against the bars of the cage theyâre locked in, roaring threats at their captors. He doesnât seem to be hearing anything Jasonâs sayingâhe just keeps slamming his hands against the metal frame surrounding them. Jasonâs not even sure if heâs speaking English. His posture is wound tight, and anyone even half-sane who saw him this way would turn and run the other direction as quickly as possible.
Jasonâs never been sane, though. Plus, there is the small matter of the shrapnel embedded in his chest and stomachâand, more pressingly, the holes the shrapnel left. Heâs been trying to put pressure on them since a few minutes after he got themâthe first few heartbeats after the rocket launcher fired were nothing but white noise and terror and painpainpainâbut his hands are shaking and it doesnât seem to be doing much good. Thereâs slippery, sticky blood all over his hands, drenching his uniform, and the few times heâs chanced glancing down at his body heâs only been able to scan the shredded skin, flapping muscle, and the slight darker color of an organ before heâs looked away. He licks his lips, swallows blood and grimaces. But he clears his throat slightly and goes on. âAnd look, I know Iâve never been a safety-first kinda guyââ A spasm in his stomach makes him clench his eyes shut, keen deep in his throat. ââbut I kindaâŚâ he pants, breathless, gives a half-hysterical laugh through his teeth. ââŚI thought Iâd at least make it to thirty.â
It occurs to him, after a long moment of just trying to catch his breath after speaking, that itâs quiet. He chances a glance at Bruce, and blinks when he sees the man just standing there. Heâs still clasping the bars, shoulders hunched and so tight Jason can practically feel the rage wafting off him.
Though on second thought, maybe itâs not rage. Thereâs blood welling up in Jasonâs throat, and he canât stifle a whimper at the sensation. He gags, and then goes into a coughing fit that has him lurching up off the floor slightly, his whole body burning from the inside out and blood everywhere andâ
âShhh.â Something strokes his hair, comforting and gentle. âBreathe, Jay.â Thereâs another hand on his back, holding him up and rubbing smooth circles. The voice is tense but soothing and reassuring, and Jason finds his gasps growing slower, easierâthough heâs not sure if thatâs a good thing or not. His vision comes back slowly, colors bursting into his view in painful light. Bruceâs face, cowl still firmly in place, is above him, the manâs jaw tense in worry. He gently eases Jasonâs head down into his lap, cups his face with a gloved hand and carefully wipes the blood from his cheek, his mouth. Jason sighs, leans into the touch and closes his eyes, and Bruceâs hand freezes on his cheek.
âYouâre not going to miss out on thirty,â Bruce says, and Jason almost smiles, because Bruceâs voice is as firm as ever and the guy has a desperate need to deny reality.
âIâŚâ he gulps. âI missed you, you know.â
Bruce stiffens further, if thatâs even possible.
âEven when I was so angry, even when I hated you, I missed you so, so much, a-and it hurt so damn badââ
âJay.â Bruce sounds desperate.
âI just.â Jasonâs eyes are burning viciously, almost as badly as his lungs, and he sobs once, the sound choked and odd-sounding from lack of air. âI just want you to know that I did hate youâŚbut I still loved you, too. IâŚI stillâŚâ
âOh, Jason,â Bruce says, fast and hoarse. His hand slides carefully but fiercely into Jasonâs hair, pushing the tangled curls back behind his ear. âI love you too. You know that.â
Jason swallows blood. He does know, and he can hear the pain in Bruceâs tone that reveals how much his doubt hurts, but he canât help it. Heâs always been a cynical son of a bitch. Dying hadnât changed that before, and it wouldnât again.
Heâs really starting to not feel good. Well, heâs been feeling pretty awful for a good long while now, but now he feels really bad. The pain in his torsoâand especially in his stomachâfeels deep-seated and intense and pulsing. It throbs in time with his faltering heartbeat, and he feels dizzy and lightheaded, like heâs going to fall over even though heâs lying still. Like heâs going to float up out of his head at any second. Though that might partly be because of the heatâheâs sticky and sweaty and yeah it makes sense that he would be feverish. Puncture wounds and intestines didnât go well together. Heâs probably screwed even if the others get here. Which they probably wonât. He wishes he could accept that fact with a little less desperation. He really doesnât want to die without getting to say goodbyeâŚand maybe even having them just be there, where he could see them. He imagines it must be awful to watch someone you love die right in front of you, but he reserves the right to think that dying alone is worse. Heâd never been so utterly petrified in his life as when heâd died. As utterly weak. All he could do was lay there and cry as he slowly suffocated and wished that Bruce was there.
Bruce is here, nowâand probably getting more than a little panicked that heâs spaced out, if the faint pressure on Jasonâs face is anything to go by. And Jasonâs grateful, he really is. But sue him if he wants the others, too. Even if he hates seeing Dick cry. It always makes him want to cry, too. He doesnât know if Tim would cry. Maybe. Damian, who the hell knows. Cass would be upset. He thinks maybe she would be the worst.
He faintly feels like heâs being manhandled, and at first he thinks this is it; not in small part because he feels like heâs moving far more than he would be in reality from just being rolled over and tugged upwards. But then his chest hits Bruceâs and the breath leaves him from the pain. Huh. He wasnât sure he was actually breathing. He supposes thatâs a good sign.
ââYou canât do this again, Jason,â Bruceâs voice fades back in as the ringing in Jasonâs ears eases off a bit. He rocks back a bit, dragging Jason along. Jason can feel Bruceâs arms around him, supporting him with a tension he knows all too well. âI donâtâŚâ Bruceâs voice breaks, and Jason winces at the first of his hitched sobs. âI just got you back. I donât want to say goodbye again.â I didnât want to the first time, Jason hears. âI donât want you to go.â
Jason takes that in, limp in Bruceâs lap, stuck staring at the collar of Bruceâs suit from where heâs lying, cheek is pressed against Bruceâs collarbone, held there by his dadâs gloved hand cupping his face. Bruce does know that changing position would only help if his lungs were full of blood, not his stomach, right? Jason doesnât particularly want to go now, either, butâŚ. âY-You do know that isnât,â he has to stop to gulp for air, half-laughing a bit at himself and the awkwardness of this situation, âexactly up to me, right, Dad?â
Bruce buries his face in the top of Jasonâs head as a response, and Jason just lies there and breathes, listening to Bruceâs shuddering breaths as his tears wet Jasonâs hair.
Jason winces. He canât really moveâno strength toâand he can barely feel his face, let alone his limbs. His whole body feels oddly numbâŚexcept for his stomach, of course, which is still throbbing with burning pain. He swallows. ââŚDad?â He whispers.
Bruce freezes, and only a split-second later Jasonâs eased down a bit, his head against Bruceâs forearm so that Bruce can look at him. Jasonâs heart seizes a bit; Bruceâs face is streaked with tears. He wets his lips. Bruce probably wonât take this well, either. âPromise me youâll cremate me. A-As soon as Iâm dead. Promise me you wonât bring me back.â
Bruceâs whole body shudders faintly. âWhatâŚ.what are you talking aboutââ
âYou canât,â Jason wheezes, starting to cry. He doesnât know why the thought suddenly occurred to him, but now itâs all he can think about, a pressing, real fear thatâs a vice around his failing heart. He canât do it. He canât be pulled away from his dadâs arms to drift off into emptiness again, only to wake up screaming as his body is torn apart to put it back together. He canât have his mind like that again. He canât do it. He just canât. âI donât want to do it again, B, please. Promise me you wonât try to get me back, please, please just letââ he chokes on blood and snot. His stomach is probably in shreds now, based off how it feels, and more tears spill out at the thought of it. âJust let me go.â
A gloved hand on his cheek. âShhh, Jason, calm down, please hold stillââ
Bruce hefts him back up again, and Jason feels a big hand cradling the back of his head. âIââ Bruce swallows, crying too. âI p-promise, Jason. IâI wonât.â
Bruce is crying too hard to speak, and soâs Jason, but he still tries to flop his numb arm up towards Bruce. Bruce catches it, pulls Jasonâs hand in against his chestplate, to his heart.
Bruce lifts his head, and Jason thinks he hears something. Maybe the dull boom of an explosion. The others, maybe. Hopefully.
âPlease,â Bruce whispers, into Jasonâs ear. âPlease wait.â
It kind of seems like Bruce said that uncertain of whether Jason could still actually hear him or not. Itâs okay. He heard it. And heâll try. It didnât make a difference last time. But heâll still do it. Bruce orders most of the time, and Jason still tried to obey, when it made sense. When Bruce asksâŚJason tries.
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