Hi there, it’s me again. I can’t sleep, because my head is spinning. It’s a mess of thoughts and pictures, like gröt. You probably don’t know what that is if you’re a native english speaker reading this. Or I guess, anybody that doesn’t speak swedish. I’m to tired to care about grammar.. so, sorry in advance if you’re reading this and some grammar-offences poke you in the eye.
So, why are we here you may ask. I’ll tell you. Since my brain is like gröt. I figured I would come on here and write down exactly everything that I’m thinking of, to see if that’s something that would set the thoughts free - so they won’t be in my head anymore. Here’s hoping.
I’m really embarrassed to write this down, and I sort of had promised myself never ever to write about stupid crushes on here. But the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about you. But.. don’t flatter yourself. You’re not the first person to get stuck in my head. When someone does, they sort of stay there until somebody else smiles, or looks at me in a way that I can’t forget. So, I guess for now your my designated someone. I can’t stop thinking about that one time. It was a chance encounter some would say. The funny thing is, I had just told myself that day that I was better of alone. For now anyways. I told myself that I was perfectly content being by myself. I guess I wasn’t. Because you were just there. You weren’t supposed to. You just showed up. We talked for a bit, you were nice. Something I guess I’m not very used to. Other people are usually too busy to be nice. That’s why you’re now stuck, you’re my designated someone. I can’t stop thinking. Images swirl around in my head. I wan’t them to stop. Because I’m sincerely embarrassed. You’ve been stuck here for too long. I can’t stop thinking that I wouldn’t want to be stuck in the head of somebody else, not without my consent. You haven’t given me consent to think about you all the time. So I don’t want to.
I keep thinking that I make so many mistakes. I keep thinking I’ve let people down. I keep thinking I’ve done so many things I wasn’t supposed to. I keep thinking about things I’ve said without thinking, that I regret. I want to apologise, but it’s been so long that it would now be better to forget about it. I keep thinking that I should’ve tried to stay in contact with someone. But they didn’t really try to stay in contact with me, so why do I feel guilty. I keep thinking people don’t like me. That I’ve done something they don’t approve of and I’ve lost their good opinion forever. I keep thinking I want to rewind my life a couple of years and redo them, but with my current knowledge. But I don’t really want to re-live my life if I’m being honest. Especially not these last months, they’ve not been the best of my life.
I feel alone. I don’t want to be alone. And loneliness that’s not a choice, I think is the worst kind of loneliness. I guess it was kind of my choice. I moved here, I applied for this job. I chose to live here. But I guess I didn’t really know what would happen. And I don’t regret it either. I’ve made some really good friends. Like great friends. And I wouldn’t give them up.
And for last I’ve left the thoughts I don’t really want to write down, because they’re so unoriginal. Which sounds really pretentious. But what I really mean is that I don’t want to write these things down for the world to see. Not that the world will see it, because I’m the only one who reads these. But if I write it down and post it, the world could see it if they wanted to. As soon as I press post, these words are no longer thoughts in my head. They’re not mine anymore. So here it comes, all this build up for the cheesiest most basic thoughts you will ever read about in your entire life...
I want to get married. So bad. I want to live with somebody, I want to go to sleep in somebodies arms. I want to get to know a person so well, that I almost don’t know where I end and they begin. I want to care for someone. I want someone to care for me. I want to build a life together with somebody. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m tired of being alone.
That’s it. That’s all I have to say. I can’t think of anything else at the moment. We will see how long it takes me before I make this post private, so that nobody but me can look back at this post and cringe..
I’ll see you, if I see you. xx