Probably Not a Robot

noah - he/him - 32

[whiskybagel]

folks don't trust your ex to find you a mechanic and don't hire someone from facebook to do engine work

[whiskybagel]

came home to my mom halfway done setting up A/C for my upstairs bedroom (i was in time to do the heavy lifting) and damn what a nice/sweet/thoughtful surprise

[whiskybagel]

ooh memory unlocked: summer after i graduated high school (very pre-transition) i had a fling with this girl and dropped her name in the car with my dad once

he said, "what, is she your girlfriend?" and it was kind of mean and sharp and gross, but it was the same exact way he asked if guys were my boyfriend (gross control issues)

and in the moment i was actually so happy because that's the closest he ever came to accepting me as bi

man the bar was set really low for me, huh?

[whiskybagel]

i don't exactly miss *my* dad but i do long for the feeling of having one still

who wants to actually teach me how to tie a necktie and be proud of me when i accomplish things and go with me to mechanics to help with the talking when i'm nervous

most importantly gotta support LGBT+ rights and not wish i acted like your straight daughter who never existed but you still mourn for some reason

[whiskybagel]

and i mean not to vagueblog more trauma or whatever but my dad's behavior in this matter is incomprehensible to me

his teenage queer son completes suicide largely due to unacceptance and social abuse he suffered as he explored his own queer identity. and some of that trauma happened at home due to his behavior.

so when his only living child transitions in adulthood and is openly bisexual, he doesn't make any effort to open his perspective or amend his behavior???? and doubles down on some of the alienating attitudes??????

his choice i guess but if it were me i would choose to do the work to love my one living son instead of being isolated and miserable because i choose to be stubborn about how i'll "always love my little girl"

grow up, duane

[whiskybagel]

i don't exactly miss *my* dad but i do long for the feeling of having one still

who wants to actually teach me how to tie a necktie and be proud of me when i accomplish things and go with me to mechanics to help with the talking when i'm nervous

most importantly gotta support LGBT+ rights and not wish i acted like your straight daughter who never existed but you still mourn for some reason

[kosmogrl]

not a caller not a texter but a secret third thing

[kosmogrl]

don’t contact me. ever

[honeydewdrops333]

what doesn’t kill you makes your nervous system more sensitive for the rest of your life

[sandmandaddy69]

[tueselle]

personally, I love being evil and bisexual

[kushblazer666]

[flowercrownsylveon]

[marisatomay]

Happy Pride

[whiskybagel]

stop advertising father's day gifts to me i'm not calling that cunt

[butterflypeaflowertea]

feeling this old mitski tweet so hard lately

[whiskybagel]

maybe indian food will fix me

[whiskybagel]

i'm not fixed but i am full of indian food so there is some improvement

[whiskybagel]

maybe indian food will fix me

[whiskybagel]

i really value the relationship i have with my mom now. she's learned and grown so much since i became an adult and i'm proud to call her my friend

but i'm also living at home again and being forced to navigate some lasting trauma from when things were worse. i still freeze and hide in my room if i hear any movement downstairs. raised voices trigger my panic response. if she has a bad day i'm scared to go home because i might get yelled at for a small transgression i'm not even conscious of. she's supportive and informed about mental health resources and approaches, but wasn't always, so it still feels like getting in trouble for being unwell if she (or anyone really) brings up therapy or other steps i'm intending to take as i am able. i have to share a car with her and any time i want to use it alone i can hear her screaming from over a decade ago about needing to know where her vehicle is at all times.

i can't tell her all that (yet) because neither of us could handle that conversation. my parents did the best they could with what they had and i still don't consider them abusive. but holy shit am i traumatized

[watermotif]

once i get taken out back and shot i'll be fine