Digging for the Grey

Professional Screenshot-er @ Snapchat.

[thepersonalquotes]

[amina-abdullah-deactivated20230]

Here is a list of Duas my Mother just forwarded to me. Insha'Allah it will be of benefit to you guys.

-

1. Ya Allah grant me Ultimate Success - safety from the Fire and entry into Jannatul Firdous.

2. Ya Allah make me and my family of those companions of the Right. Who receive the book of deeds in our right hands.

3. Ya Allah, Grant me a blessed death. Let me utter the shahada before I die. Grant me the intercession of Prophet Mohammed (pbuh).

4. Ya Allah grant me the companionship of Prophet Mohammed (pbuh), his family and the Sahaba’s in Jannatul Firdous.

5. Ya Allah save my non-Muslim friends from the Fire. Guide them to Islam.

6. Ya Allah, reunite me in Jannathul Firdous with those whom I love for Your sake alone.

7. Ya Rabb, perfect my Deen and my Worship.

8. Ya Allah accept my good deeds and increase me in reward and Your Mercy. Wipe away my sins and pardon me completely. Shower your Mercy upon me and save me from disgrace on the Day of Reckoning.

9. Ya Allah, when I die, let my soul and my record of Deeds be with the Illiyeen.

10. Ya Allah grant me, my parents, family and children guidance, steadfastness and increased Imaan.

11. Ya Allah, make me of the few You love, You Pardon and You shade on a Day when there is no shade but from Your Majestic Arsh (Throne).

12. Oh my Lord, increase me in Yakeen and Tawakkul in you. Let there be no doubt in my belief in Your Oneness, Your Majesty and Power.

13. Ya Allah increase me in my love for You and Your Prophet Mohammed (pbuh).

14. Ya Allah forgive me and increase me in Your Blessings and Provisions.

15. Ya Allah lead me to more opportunities to do good and seeking Your Pleasure.

16. Ya Rabb, Purify my intentions for Your Sake alone and let me not show off or take false pride. Save me from arrogance, pride, showing off and reminding of favors.

17. Oh my Creator and Sustainer, do not leave me alone. Bless me with a righteous spouse and children who will be the coolness of my eyes.

18. Oh my Lord, make me of those who are patient and obedient to You and my parents.

19. Save me from the Fitnah of Dajjal.

20. Save me from the punishment of the grave and the punishment of the Hell Fire.

21. Ya Allah, increase me in Sadakatul Jariya work.

22. Ya Allah, bless me with good health, so I can make sajdah with ease till my dying day.

23. Ya Allah, protect me and the Muslim Ummah against wicked oppressors. Save us from Fitnah and give us ease in our times of trial.

24. My Lord, bless me with the best in this world, the best in the Hereafter and save me from the fire. I am indeed in need of the good You have in store for me.

25. Ya Allah increase me in gratitude towards You alone.

26. Oh my Rabb, save me from hypocrisy.

27. Ya Allah, let me and my spouse be among the pilgrims to perform Hajj in the near future.

28. Ya Allah protect me against Evil Jinns and Spirits. Safeguard me from their evil incitements and plots.

29. Ya Allah forgive and have Mercy upon my parents, as they looked after me when I was young.

30. Ya Allah, I pray and beg of you for the guidance of the Muslim Youth and Ummah. Save us all from Kufr, Despair, Misdeeds and Shirk.

31. Ya Allah grant me the strength to battle laziness and sleep, so I may wake up for #Tahajjud and #Fajr everyday.

Ameen ya Rabb

Please do share to maximize your reward and benefit!

[whisperinghijab]

Sexual Harassment from an official

I wrote the piece below as a reaction to telling my story to members of the community that didn’t believe me. 

Questions I’ve been asked that make me question myself:  

Is there a chance you misinterpreted? 

Was that a joke? 

Why didn’t you stop it? 

Are you worried you have made this into something bigger than it is? 

Do you think that he actually means it? 

Did you try to talk to him about it ? 

Don’t you think that trying to resolve it with him might be better? 

Why didn’t you bring this up when it happened? 

Why did it go on for this long? 

Shouldn’t we ask other women that he has dealt with to see if they have similar experiences?

Do you think that this might just be your personal problem? 

Shouldn’t you be grateful for the time that he has dedicated to talking to you even if it didn’t yield results or resolve anything?

.............................................................................................................................

If you knew who I was you wouldn’t be asking me if I have thought twice, thrice and a billion times over before I said something. 

You would know that I questioned the comments and myself more than I questioned the harasser in the position of power. You would know that I questioned the validity of my own experience because of my own disbelief that a authority with religious wisdom could do such a thing. 

You would know that this is common even in the most secure and professional of positions. You would know how difficult it is to stand against an authoritative force and accuse them of saying inappropriate, lewd comments to you without cause. 

You would know that I am young, naive, inexperienced, and vulnerable enough to get caught in a situation where a man makes me into an object of his desire.  You would know how his advances made me feel like a meek, naive, confused girl. 

You would know that I didn’t pick up on the signals of his predatory behavior, how he wanted me to think he was a lot younger than he was and how he always wanted me to talk about what I liked in a future s/o. 

You would know how it feels like to laugh off demeaning sexual comments about suspicions of my alleged “promiscuity” and how he thinks I am a “bad girl” that does “bad things” on the weekends. 

You would know that he shifted my empowered sense of self. You would know that there was a time that I felt I could no longer call myself a strong feminist because I wasn’t even strong enough to stand up for myself. 

You would know those comments made me feel dirty. You would know that I didn’t sign up for religious counseling with a side of predatory advances.

You would know that I wanted to cuss him out but respected him too much as a religious figure and wanted to protect him ironically from his own embarrassment. You would know that I tried to justify his behavior relentlessly in my mind because it seemed like a better option than the truth of his actions.    

You would know that I wanted to protect his view of my akhlaq and maintain my hayat despite his lewd comments that subordinated me to him. 

You would know that I came to him with the intention to increase my iman and find guidance, but he came in with the intention to potentially find a second wife or replace the one he had.

You would know that he spoke to me about his marital problems and told me to keep them secret. You would know that he was grooming me for his own plans. 

You would know how he subordinated me to him with his flirtatious advances and religious authority. 

You would know that he took advantage of my vulnerability and compromised my confidentiality. 

You would know that all I wanted was to get closer to God and get advice on a family member’s issues but was disheartened to know a religious authority could be so misguided. 

You would know how hard it was for me to be put on trial like this. You would know how much I have thought about you, members of the community, would react. 

You would know that I come to you as the final straw, after I have exhausted my options. 

You would know I wasn’t being hysterical. You would know that I feel shame associated to something that I haven’t done. 

You would know I am humble and not weak, that I underestimated my experiences to protect your perception of the ‘utoptian’ Islamic community.

You would know that I only came forward because I didn’t want him exposed to female members of the community, but that I accepted his public lectures. You would know that the strength it took to put my reputation and pride on the line.  

You would know that my intentions are to promote a productive and inclusive environment where all groups feel comfortable. 

You would know. 

But you will never know because you aren’t me, you don’t share my gender, or my experiences. 

[whisperinghijab]

“Radical Islam”

The war against "Radical Islam" is an attempt to look for the easter bunny, it doesn't exist. Though it is rooted in religious text, it is tactical and strategic. It is a tool to subordinate the masses with a high level of resentment for western governments. Also, it is likely a reflection of overrun state governments as well as incapacity for governments to distribute adequate goods and services. We need to think about the complexities of the issue, rather than ideology. Ideology is a predictive measure that only explains the method of selecting targets and perhaps attacks. We need to dig deeper for why these terrorist insurgencies occur. 

[whisperinghijab]

reconstruction of oneself - a revolution in abandoning social constructs

A memory just popped up in my head of remembering the moment in my childhood in Egypt when two children told me that they didn’t think I prayed (my five daily prayers) because I didn’t wear the hijab and wore tshirts/capris instead. They thought it was impossible to mix those two things together. I remember being very offended, but thinking that they might have had a valid point. In fact, after I wore the hijab - I remember thinking that they were right. They weren’t. They aren’t. They lacked education on multiculturalism and I was too naive/immature to understand that. 

I am done with social norms and people’s words navigating my life. The truth of the matter is - No One Knows Anything. The world and God work in mysteries. Instead of thinking the world is flat, I want to discover the world is round and the other mysteries that lurk. I am done with listening to stubborn age-old traditions. I may appreciate them, but I don’t have to live my life by them. Always have a reason for living and doing the things you do. Anyways, more thoughts on this later. I need to get back to working on my grad degree. 

[life]

From the June 25, 1945 issue of LIFE magazine - this image ran on the cover - GRADUATION. “The three small scholars shown on LIFE’s cover are Mary Anne Lienweaver, Dennis Herbert and Frances Muccio, all aged 5 ½. They are just graduating from kindergarten at Our Lady of Sorrows in Corona, N.Y. After four months of studying blocks and crayons these children and their 38 fellow students are awarded diplomas with full academic ceremonies, including caps and gowns whose use has now spread through the U.S. educational system all the way down to kindergarten.” (Nina Leen—The LIFE Picture Collection/Getty Images) #kindergarten #graduation #1940s

[whisperinghijab]

Its okay to be young & immature

I am more susceptible to the notion than binaries than I initially thought. I get consumed by labels, even writing this is pushing another label of implied nonconformity. I am sure you can call bullshit on this new age hipster self-searching mumbo jumbo I am about to lay down, but guess what... I don’t care, once more I learned its okay to be young. 

How I would cringe and dread the thought of being called immature or young or being considered my age. I would often be very annoyed at the conversation topics and interests of my peers growing up. I found older people innately more interesting.

I always searched for wisdom in older people than the ones my age perhaps as a way of displacement for the lack of that at home as my parents were immigrants. My dad is something I would call a “half dad” and my mom is a borderline tiger mom with a religious superiority complex as well as a proclivity to call things ‘sinful’ any chance she gets. I love my parents and accept them. This is not one of those stories where a person resents their upbringing and wishes they grew up differently, I don’t in fact wish that. I wouldn’t change my upbringing for the world, because that means I wouldn’t have grown as passionate and determined as I am today. Anyways, I got sidetracked. Back to the story - I would talk to any older person I would get because I felt plagued by youth. I never felt that young and innocent, I knew more and I knew how cringe-y it was to be immature and to be self-conscious and embarrassed of everything. 

I wanted to fast-track all those feelings and stages - I thought that I could do it because I was so “self-actualized” and had sheer will. Truth is you can’t climb the steps to ultimate maturity. Sometimes its okay to live the life of impulsive texts to a boy you shouldn’t event think about, staring at yourself too long in the mirror, drowning in a pretty person’s instagram, not knowing the meaning for a word you use all the time, knowing a word that you use improperly, not fact-checking a statistic you heard from someone, being dumb, being at a loss of words, long uncomfortable silences, insomnia, oversleeping, acting girly-ier, wearing winged eyeliner, not having all the right answers, and not knowing the future. The last thing never changes but everything else might, maybe... who knows. That possibility is okay too. I need to get comfortable with the uncomfortable with the imbalances and inequitable - with the things defined and yet incomprehensible. I am trying to jump the gun of maturity again but I don’t care. I need to remember I am stupid and young - that  I don’t need to have a stick up my butt to seem more mature. It’s okay. 

Weirdly enough, I feel freer with this realization. I feel like I can be the person that is always caged. The person that’s not self conscious. I don’t know her yet, but I want to find out who she is. 

[whisperinghijab]

Questions Unanswered

I broke the rule and said your name yesterday multiple times. I thought of how things transpired, my ultimate favorite passtime these days apparently, and I thought a couple of things don’t add up. 

The things I would like to say and ask.... 

I’m sorry for my volatility - my personality is tumultuous, my emotions run high, and people frustrate me consistently. I’ll buy you dinner or coffee sometime to make up for it, I guess. 

I value humility and not putting on display everything you carry with you in your mind that you think will impress the person in front of you. I am observant and quiet - I like to think a lot before I speak. Words should be cherished and not scattered. 

My appearance might give an alternative impression, but I am very grounded and appreciate a detachment from materialism and wealth. Not everything that appears in front of you and looks like an effort towards appearance may be as you suspect. The world is full of forms of expressions. 

I address my concerns so that they might be acknowledged, not for them to be thrown back at my face in its very corrected form. It feels disingenuous when I feel like someone is trying to correct themselves openly in front of me and I am a consequence of that. 

I get nervous around you, I flab and I flop and I don’t know how to stop. I only know to be mean, short with my words, and steady with my gazes. 

I’m losing my ability to connect...

[thegreaterjihad]

The first time Prophet Mohammad pbuh decided to openly preach the message of the Qur’an in the Kaaba was when there were about 100 believers total. The community seemed to be going and flourishing. The Prophet pbuh went to the Station of Ibrahim and called the people to islam and to Allah. The leaders of the Quraysh, the tribe of Mecca who were not sympathetic towards Muslims, began to walk menacingly towards the Prophet pbuh while he was speaking, as if they were about to attack him. Abu Bakr, the Prophet’s best friend, realized what was happening and stood up between the Prophet and the mob in order to protect him. He said to the Quraysh, “Do you really want to kill this man simply because he says, ‘My Lord is Allah?’ Is this really why you want to attack this man?” The mob then started to attack Abu Bakr and began to beat him. His family was able to rescue him, but they were certain he was going to die. After being in a coma for over a day, he miraculously awakened, and the first thing he said was, “What happened to the prophet pbuh?” He then was taken to see Prophet Mohammad, who tells him he needs to leave before he is attacked again.

So Abu Bakr packed up to leave, and a man named Ibn Al Daghunah saw him. Ibn Al Daghunah wasn’t a Muslim, nor was he fond of Muslims at all. But when Abu Bakr told him he was leaving, Ibn Al Daghunah said to him, “A man like you shouldn’t leave his community. He should stay—because you take care of your family, you help those who need help, you lift up the downtrodden, and you are always first in line to help with a good cause. You are a good influence in your society, and you need to go back.” Ibn Al Daghunah then promised Abu Bakr his protection, and they walked back into the city together, much to the Quraysh’s dismay, and he tells the Quraysh, “I have a vested interest in this city, and Abu Bakr is a good man. He’ll stay under my protection.”

The point of this story is to highlight the fact that, as Muslims, this is not the first time our community has been vilified, nor will it be the last. Allah guarantees that. But when we look at the time of the Prophet and the history of Islam, we see that there is no rational explanation of how the early Muslims thrived—The people opposed to Islam have always outnumbered them, had more resources than they did, and had more power. But here we are 1400 years later, still saying the name of Allah and practicing His faith. In Surah Tawbah, Allah says, “Say: “Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us. He is our Mawla (protector).” And in Allah let the believers put their trust.”  

So let’s put our trust in Allah. Let’s mobilize, let’s connect with people, let’s LIVE the religion of Allah and use this time where our faith has been put under a microscope and a spotlight to learn about our Book and practice what it says.

[dr-abood-dds-deactivated2017040]

I was thinking exactly about this the other day.

[silentears]

Help me Allah.

(via tawakullah)

[silentclowns]

Doughnuts mmmmm

[whisperinghijab]

Be strong but not harsh Be gentle but not weak Be generous but not extravagant Be sensible but not miserly

Islamic Hadith

[infinitely-gentle]

[ertesamat]

[simpl-beautiful]

[whisperinghijab]

Coping

So today I have decided that I need to insulate my life from confusion and complications. I have recognized that my own frenzied mind is perpetuating some of my issues. I cannot sit around and villianize one human being and accept that the ball (as in my heart) is in his court to do what he wishes with it. I am independent, I can be leveled and I am very driven. 

There are some coping mechanisms I will try to implement in my life incrementally: 

1. I will stop saying his name and won’t even mention him in conversation. If there is a need to reference back to him, I should be clever enough to have alternative examples to cite. 

2. I need to stop caring what he thinks of my actions and behaviors. No human being’s judgement is more important than that of Allah’s. #keeponkeepinon

3. If you think you like him remember the analogy of the cat and the laser pointer... don’t act impulsively like the cat going after a superfluous red light. Think about why you are going after something that is fleeting. Remember, there are lot of issues in your life that you are avoiding or not dealing with and that is why you have this void you are trying to fill insensibly.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: Say and do what you want when you want. Do not let another human being govern a life you cannot understand to live by.

[whisperinghijab]

foreshadowed events of life

Do you ever feel like your life is like a movie and that a past event in your life was actually foreshadowing to how your life has now transpired? Perhaps if one had been attentive to those small details they would have caught on to the theme of their life. I feel like my life could probably be written in a couple of sentences capturing the meta-trends of my downfalls and successes. Honestly, sub7anallah there is a divine wisdom that we aren’t aware of or cannot fathom. The reason we stay in a certain path and avoid another is something that I probably would not be able to explain. However, there is always a reason. We fool ourselves when we think that we are the all-knowing ones.