change

i'm growing. you should be, too.

[whitekittymilk]

wow. it's been a long time.

i've missed this tumblr.

[whitekittymilk]

knowing your attachment style is important.

i found out that mine is disorganized/avoidant.

[whitekittymilk]

I'll admit it.

I think about you from time to time. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we got back together. We're both different people now, you and I.

We were young then. I hadn't quite realized how much my insecurity would negatively impact my relationships around me, how it sneaks up in the most unnerving ways. You weren't ready to fully open yourself up to me because I was so independent.

There was a time where I eventually thought that I would have to pick: my independence or a relationship. That paralyzing question made me shove you slowly away through a whirlwind of passive aggressiveness, my growing impatient attitude, and constant critiquing.

I'm more like my mother then I thought I was.

My mind sometimes is full of questions I would ask if we sat down for coffee, some scripted, some real.

Are you doing ok? How have you been? What has life been like? What are you doing now? Do you miss me? Do you think about me? Can we try again? Oh, that's so good! Are you seeing anyone right now? What are they like?

It makes me sad when I think about it, disappointed even. I never thought that I'd be like this. Why am I still hoping that he misses me?

[whitekittymilk]

i was 18 years old 7 years ago.

every 7 years, your cells renew. some are faster than others.

it's difficult to look back because i can't believe that it's been 7 years since i was 18. time flies, adults say, but apparently im an adult now.

am i? i don't feel like it.

[whitekittymilk]

im so lonely i feel like i cant fucking breathe

[whitekittymilk]

Sometimes I think I need to be more patient with myself. And other times, I’m just worried that I’m being too easy on myself. The never-ending internal struggle is something I’ve always wrestled with.

[whitekittymilk]

Sometimes I worry about my ending. The constantly bombardment of questions that I get from my boyfriend’s family makes me want to go crawl into a hole.

I don’t know what I want out of my life yet.

[whitekittymilk]

I haven’t really felt like hanging out with anyone or doing much of anything. i just... i guess i’m just sick of hanging out with my boyfriend’s friends. All my “friends” that I thought were soooooo supposedly excited for me to come back to LA haven’t said a fucking word.

I miss San Francisco. A lot. The people, the culture, my workplace (even though it gave me a headache), and everything else... I miss it every single day.

Homesick for a place that was always a temporary home. I guess I miss having friends. I haven’t had a tight group of friends like I did in SF in a really long time. It felt nice being accepted by everyone and cracking jokes with everyone...

Now bakes the question: how do I make friends in Los Angeles during this time?

[whitekittymilk]

i just moved back from san francisco and im honestly so sad that im back... home.

it’s weird calling this place home after living somewhere else for so long. san francisco started feeling like home, honestly.

i miss it.

[whitekittymilk]

maybe we weren’t as close as i thought we were.

[quotefeeling]

I like cancelled plans. And empty bookstores. I like rainy days. And thunderstorms. And quiet coffee shops. I like messy beds and over-worn pajamas. Most of all, I like the small joys that a simple life brings.

Unknown

[whitekittymilk]

Whenever I tried something new, I would always get made fun of for it. My dad and mom would literally laugh at anything that I attempted doing. Eventually my passion for trying new things would dissipate while my parents would continue to ask me, “Why don’t you ever just try?”

They’ve instilled this fear of being a fool in me. It’s easy for people to say “You never know until you try!” but I think somewhere in my brain that it’s just easier if I don’t try. It’s safer and I don’t feel like I’m going to be ridiculed at every moment.

2021, I’m trying something for once.

Wish me luck.

[whitekittymilk]

time to take a deep breath

I’m back.

[anditslove]

Luna inhaling raspberries. 

[whitekittymilk]

i spend the last hour crying my eyes out and then journaling to help me sort out my feelings. i really need to increase my emotional maturity because it does not match with my age. this self-loathing, self-pitying, passive-aggressive behavior will not get me anywhere. it’s so hard to start change, but i fully believe that i am capable. recognizing your flaws and believing that you are capable of change is always the first step.

[lauralot89]

Because I remember disinformation being spread around the last election and I’m sure Russia will bring it back:

YOU CAN’T VOTE ONLINE.

YOU CAN’T VOTE FROM YOUR PHONE.

IN MANY STATES THERE ARE LEGAL CONSEQUENCES FOR PHOTOGRAPHING YOUR BALLOT.

DO NOT WEAR CAMPAIGN GEAR TO THE POLLS.

DO NOT TRY TO PERSUADE PEOPLE TO VOTE FOR A CANDIDATE AT THE POLLS.

DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY KIND OF POLITICAL DISCOURSE AT THE POLLS.

NO ELECTION IS EVER A SURE THING, EVEN IF YOU’RE IN THE BLUEST OR REDDEST OF STATES.  IF SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN SIT THIS ONE OUT, THEY ARE EITHER IGNORANT OR MALICIOUS.

VOTE.

[whitekittymilk]

i feel so angry about things. i feel angry about things that happened to me years ago and i feel it tumbling out into my personality. im so bitter and angry and easily triggered and i don’t want to be this way forever.

but it’s so hard to simply “forgive and forget” the things that happened to me. i have the hardest time letting go of things. i hold onto grudges like there’s no tomorrow and im now realizing that it’s deeply impacting on who i want to become.

i don’t want to be this angry person anymore. but i also don’t know how to start letting go and forgiving.