thinking of deleting the posts off of this blog and turning it into a word vomit dump for another story…idk maybe i should just make a new blog but i keep mixing up the ones i already have….goodbye to these blog posts maybe
just to say that I changed the name of this blog and will probably be changing it 100 times before I find something that fits. Dear st Anthony is now the name of anotherrr blog for a different story.
I really need a good name for this story but I haven’t got any ideas :(
Gio questions!! been filling this out whenever I’m bored, but I’m sick of doing Gio now so I’ll probably move on to someone else :3
taken from this questions list!!
Yes, I am completely insane! I was reading blogs yesterday evening and I stumbled upon a post someone made, talking about interviewing your
Part One: The basics
1. What is your name?
Giovanni Orferus Rabellino
2. Do you have any nicknames? If you do, who gave it to you and why?
his brothers started calling him Gio and now everyone does, his mam sometimes calls him Orferus as a joke (she really loves that name)
3. How old are you now?
18
4. When were you born?
late summer (august/september) 2005 during a heatwave
5. Where do you call home now?
Gio doesn’t really see Italy as home anymore, he feels like he’s grown out of it, but he’s never quite seen england has home either. It was always temporary to him so seeing his brothers so rooted there makes him a bit uncomfortable. He doesn’t quite know where home is or when he will find it.
6. To what social class do you belong?
Gio was quite lower class, his mam worked a low paying job and couldn’t always keep consistent pay due to her bouts of depression. After adopting Juan they probably got some government/ system benefits and could live a bit more comfortably. Now he lives with his rich brother and his brother’s rich boyfriend and is exceeding creeped out by their comfortable lifestyle.
7. What is your eye color?
brown
8. What is your hair color?
a darker brown
9. Do you have any distinguishing facial features?
Gio has an arched nose and deep set downturned eyes, though they fit his face very well. Apart from his long curly hair, he’s quite average looking.
10. Do you have any birthmarks? Where are they?
some moles on his neck and arms, probably a birthmark or so elsewhere.
11. Do you have any scars? How did you get them?
Gio has self harm scars on his upper arms and his thighs, from ages 14 on and off to 17, but is recovering from it now.
He probably has quite a few little ones on his knees and elbows from mucking around and showing off too much as a kid.
12. Do you have any tattoos or other markings? How and why did you get them?
I don’t doubt he has a bad stick and poke somewhere, but it’ll be far too faded to make out.
13. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
He gets bad headaches and migranes sometimes and isn’t a great sleeper.
14. Are you right or left handed?
He’s right handed but practiced a lot with his left hand (he wants to be ambidextrous but isn’t quite there yet)
15. What does your voice sound like?
His voice is mellow and low, his accent isn’t as heavy anymore and he’s probably nice to listen to. He sings like Jeff Buckley.
16. How do you dress most of the time?
He likes baggy clothes and darker tones. He has a bit of a fashion sense but is never too bothered to persue it. He likes hyper turf type trainers, baggy jeans and dark hoodies. He wouldn’t wear joggers or shorts outside of the house. He’s always loved more alternative styles and you can probably tell through what he wears. he wears bracelets, ties, beaded bracelets and braided leather all up his wrists, and occasionally likes a necklace. But it’s always hidden under his clothes.
17. How do you dress up?
He doesn’t, but when he lets himself dress more alternatively he isn’t as tied to modest baggy clothing. He likes more outwardly grunge clothing, excessive belts and bracelets, messy eyeliner and cinched waists. This is only for when he’s going to gigs or clubs when he’s a bit older, and even though he’s quite secretive about it he loves it.
18. How do you dress down?
joggers and hoodies, or clothes that have clashing colours.
19. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
joggers and a hoodie or a long sleeved shirt
20. Do you wear any jewelry?
He wears bracelets and necklaces. He has bracelets, ties, beaded bracelets and braided leather all up his wrists, and occasionally likes a necklace. But it’s always hidden under his clothes. His favourite bracelets are those classic italian charm bracelets, his are wooden with pictures of the virgin Mary on it. He also wears rosary beads and a cross and chain from time to time.
21. What words and/or phrases do you use frequently?
Not a word or phrase, but he groans and sighs dramatically a lot. Usually as a joke but sometimes it’s genuine.
22. Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?
Though hes usually very reserved, he can put on over excitement quite easily, wave his arms around and move exaggeratedly, He’s not worried about embarrassing himself. He reads and watches a lot of old or classical media, and quotes and references it a lot, which is probably a bit pretentious. He writes frequently and feverishly in his diary and snaps whenever anyone tries to look at it. He can switch his emotions quickly, going from quiet to loud or from relaxed to irritated which could possibly be very annoying. And though he’s very shy about singing genuinely, he does burst into song in a joking manner a lot.
23. Do you have any bad habits? If so, what are they and how do you plan to get rid of them?
He bites his nails a lot, he doesn’t realise he’s doing it. He also smoked on and off when he was 15, and picked it up as a genuine habit when he was 16-17, he’ll quit one day but is in no rush to do so. (He hasn’t really told anyone, but his mam is a smoker so he’s not worried that she’ll care.) He also experimented with a lot of substances when he was a bit younger, but luckily it never led anywhere.
24. Do you have a lifelong dream or aspiration?
Gio always dreamed of being a writer or a poet or a rockstar, touring every country in every continent, when he was younger. His mam pushed him towards a formal classical music education which he despised. When he moved to England and all plans of pursuing a classical music career fell through, he gave up on any sort of dreams and decided in the back of his mind he probably wouldn’t live to follow anything through anyway. He lived day by day not giving much thought to the future. Now he’s older and in a better place, he kicks his younger self for not making any plans. He really does’t know what he wants to do with his life, having only just decided he wants to live it.
25. Do you own a car (or other form of transportation)? Why or why not? Describe it.
He doesn’t, and usually begs his brothers for a ride everywhere or gets the bus. He really really wants a boat, for some reason.
26. What is your current state of mind?
Gio’s just come out of a very dark place, he’s not quite well but in a far better mindset than before. More than anything he’s confused and a bit scared of the future, he doesn’t know where he belongs or who wants him around. He’s scared of being a burden on his brothers and their lives or being a burden on his mam, but he’s not quite ready to be alone. He’s slowly figuring things out, he’s scared but tentatively hopeful that things can and will get better.
Part Two: Family
27. How close are you to your family?
Gio’s closeness with his family is quite inconsistent (his own fault). He pushed his brothers and mam away for a while, but they pulled through and are still very close. He’s not at all close with his family outside of his brothers and mother, those three are the most important people to Gio.
28. Do you have a spouse or significant other? Describe them.
Not currently, he needs to focus on himself. He had a long term turbulent relationship with Aaron that he broke off when he was 17. He almost developed a proper relationship with Dawn, but wasn’t in the place for anything romantic and they stayed friends.
29. Have you started your own family? Describe them if you do. If not, do you want to? Why or why not?
No he has not because he is 18 and semi responsible
30. Who was your Father and what was he like?
Gio’s dad is Narciso, a famous musician. He cheated on Gio’s mam multiple times during their toxic relationship, and continued to hassle her after they broke up when Gio was a young child. Gio hates his dad, genuinely passionately hates him and can’t talk about him without getting angry. He has only a few memories of Narciso, when he would come to the house to offer Maria ‘childcare money’. Narciso never even looked in Gio’s direction, and little Gio found himself torn between desperately wanting his dad to stay and wanting to never see him again. Narciso was never violent, never intimidating, but Gio was terrified of him. Most of Gio’s anger stems from the emotional reaction Maria would have surrounding his father, he could see how much he hurt her. Gio knows that Narciso could have made all their problems go away, but had to live with the fact that he didn’t. Gio hopes his dad loses all of his money gambling or something and then falls in a ditch and dies.
31. Who was your Mother and what was she like?
Gio’s mam is Maria Ceija Rabellino. Gio loves his mother a lot, they’re scarily similar in humour and wit but clash horrifically over almost anything. They have a turbulent relationship that gets better as Gio gets older and comes to understand that his mam is just as hurt and scared as he is. Maria is quite a closed off person, she doesn’t care for other people too much and is fairly judgemental. She has a cynical, fierce sense of humour and is extremely funny. Though she never lets anyone else give an opinion on her, she’s very self conscious about herself and personality, which she knows can come across quite strong. She cared for Gio as much as she was able when she was struggling with her mental health, and is devasted and helpless as she sees him going down the same path she did. She has high aspirations for him, and is more scared than angry when he can’t reach them. Maria is controlled by her emotions, and like gio can switch from angry to happy in a heartbeat, making it hard to guess what she’ll say or do next. Gio and Maria haven’t always gotten along fantastically, but she loves him more than anything.
32. Who are you closest to in your family?
At one point Gio would have said his uncle Francesco, who passed away when he was young. But now it’s a toss up between his mam and his brothers. He can never feel truly honest around either of them, and when he was a younger teen would have probably seen himself being closest to Juan (who he likely considered his best friend for a long time) Though now he is older and Pierre and Juan are starting their own lives and their own families, Gio probably feels a bit isolated from them, and would be more willing to confide in his mam.
33. Is there someone in your family you wish you were closer to?
Gio wishes he was closer to his grandparents and his cousins. Maria doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents and brothers, and for a long time was excluded from them. This meant Gio wasn’t as connected to his extended family when he was younger, so his cousins were always closer to each other than to him. He felt a bit left out and always wished they’d spent more time together when he was little. Though, he does have some really fond childhood memories of his cousins and loves them a lot. He wishes he got to know his Grandfather more before he passed, he thinks they would have got on.
34. What was your parent’s marriage like?
Nonexistent, Maria ran away from Narciso when she found out she was pregnant with Gio. They were engaged, but never married.
35. Did they remain married? If not, how did that affect you? When did they split?
Gio never knew what his parents were like when they were together, he always imagines it as toxic and horrible. So when he sees pictures of his parents togetehr, smiling and in love, it makes him feel a bit queasy.
36. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
Gio has two brothers, Pierre and Juan. You know what they’re like. Gio loves them a lot and wishes he wasn’t such a headache for them.
37. What is the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you?
In Lena’s words, Juan probably snitched on Gio once.
38. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to one of your siblings?
Implied that Juan wasn’t really Maria’s son or that he wasn’t truly a part of their family. They argued unlike they ever have before and their relationship deteriorated significantly. Gio was always probably quite snappy and rude to Pierre, blowing him off and isolating himself from him. They’re all good now, but Gio still feels guilty for being such a brat.
39. When’s the last time you saw a member of your family? Where are they now?
He sees his brothers probably everyday, or at least he sees Pierre almost everyday.
40. Did you meet any other family members? (Aunts Uncles, etc) Describe them.
Gio has four uncles, who all apart from Francesco have wives and children. He’s met them all, and is closest to his Uncle Roberto (the eldest) and his family, especially his cousins Bianca and Severo. His uncle Dario (the second child) holds a grudge against Maria and has never forgiven her for leaving, so he and his family (His wife, and children Floue, Dante and Elvaria) are not at all close to Gio, though he and those cousins have nothing against each other. Gio’s uncle Alfonso (the youngest) was young when Maria left, so was never as close to her but also wasn’t as hurt by her actions, he gets on well with Gio and his son, Alfonso, adores Gio.
Part Three: Friends and Relationships with Others
41. In general, how do you treat other people that you have just met?
Gio isn’t fond of new people, he would never willingly introduce himself or take part in a conversation. He probably comes off as quite rude or intimidating, but really hes just a bit shy.
42. Does your treatment of people change depending on how well you know them and if so how?
Definitely, Gio isn’t one to be rude or cruel to someone just because he doesn’t know them but he’s definitely colder and seems uninterested. Though if he’s met someone a few times he’ll say hello and be nice, he does genuinely take an interest in other peoples lives once he knows them a little bit.
43. Who is the most important person in your life and why?
For a long time it would have been Maria, who was really the only consistent person in Gios life. Though when he moved to England he definitely relied on Juan a lot more, being the only familiar figure to him. But throughout most of his teen years it was probably Aaron, who inadvertently dictated Gio’s thoughts and feelings.
44. Who is the person you respect the most and why?
Definitely his mam. With his brothers he respects them but it’s hard to see them as authority. Gio knows what his mam has been through and is so impressed by her at all times, he’d probably do anything to please her.
45. Who are your friends? Describe them.
Gio doesn’t really have many friends, when he was a little kid he didn’t make close friends with the kids in his school and preferred to play with the kids on his street who he was much closer with. After moving to England the friends he made sucked, they didn’t respect him or really know him at all, and they didn’t care to. After he meets Athena he forms a very small friend group of people who actually want to know him and enjoy him. Athena was his first true platonic friend, she adores Gio and understands him better than most people. John came along later, and his calm, at ease attitude compliments Gios more erratic nature quite well. Dawn, though slightly romantic, is one of the closest friends Gio has ever made. She sees right through him and tells it like it is. Gio really appreciates her and all his friends. Gio’s friends are all honest, authentic people. He’s chosen to surround himself with people who aren’t scared to be themselves, or at least aspire to live that way.
46. Do you have a best friend? Describe them.
Aaron was Gio’s first best friend, they had a lt of fun together and found themselves opening up to each other in a way they had never with anyone else. Their romance complicated any true freindship they had. Gio’s one true best friend will always be Athena.
47. Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?
Gio has the unfortunate habit of believing he can sort everything out himself and doesn’t need anyone to help him. This obviously leads to most of the issues he faces, he never asks for help. When he understands he can’t fix everything himself he’d go to his brothers for help. Gio sees them as responsible and put together, he knows they’d help him.
48. Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who and why?
When they were together probably Aaron, he’s not a violent guy but he’s not someone willing to back down or give in and has always been very protective over Gio. Other than that, probably Juan.
49. If you died or went missing, who would miss you?
Well hopefully his friends and family. At a certain point Gio probably believed the people around him were better off without him, that it would be hard to miss him. Being an annoying rebellious teen, Gio likely had frequent periods of not being where he should be, not answering his phone or coming home when he was supposed to. He’s often just disappeared for a few hours, that he spends kicking around and listening to music or sleeping in Aaron’s bed. If he were to truly go missing, likely the first person to notice would be Pierre, as he is someone who never answers his texts so it would never alarm his friends if he went radio silent.
(After the fight with Liam, which happens in the late evening, Gio doesn’t come home. This isn’t unusual as he frequently spends the night at Aarons and forgets to let anyone know until much later in the evening. But then he doesn’t come home the next morning before school, he doesn’t show up to school, he doesn’t come home after school. It would probably be then that people realise no one has seen him since the early morning the day before. He doesn’t come home that evening, or that night, or the next morning. Then, people would start to miss him.) (tldr Gio does in fact go missing and this likely isn’t realised for a little while due to this being a boundary he pushes often)
50. Who is the person you despise the most, and why?
Liam. whatever his last name is. Gio find it hard to hate someone who’s wronged him, as I suppose he feels he deserves it. But Gio despises Liam for what he’s done to Athena, how he’s ruined her life, and how most of all he doesn’t think that he’s done anything wrong. No sob story or explanation or understanding could ever make Gio see Liam as anything but dirt.
He also hates his dad, but Liam takes the lions share of Gios ire.
51. Do you tend to argue with people or avoid conflict?
Gio would like to say he avoids conflict but he definitely doesn’t. He’d like to be he’s too emotional and rises to side comments tooe easily. He does grow out of this though, especially when he moves to the blue school and sees where rising to conflict lands him. He tends to just run away from it instead of facing the music responsibly.
Though, when it comes to arguing the toss or defending himself he can argue for hours he has a great stamina from it, probably inherited from his mam. I think she’s always been someone its hard to back down to, so Gio find it hard not to argue back or act reasonably.
52. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?
Though Gio does occasionally love bossing people around, he could never take charge of a group of people. If he was in a situation where he had to, he’d probably just leave and sort himself out. aka he’s too self centred to be in charge of other people.
53. Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?
No, he doesn’t like interacting with people. Though he loves observing people, if he could just stand in a group and not contribute anything and just listen he’d enjoy that a lot more.
54. Do you care what others think of you?
He’d say no, but he absolutely does.
However that doesn’t stop him acting the way he does or presenting himself a certain way.
55. What habit do others have that annoys you the most?
He hates lazy people, and people that are just stupid. Not academically stupid but just people you know have never had to do anything, people that need someone else to hold their hand for them.
I think he hates popular people only because he’s jealous. and he doesn’t like people that lie, especially about stupid useless things.
56. What is the most important quality you look for in a friend?
Honestly and transparency
57. What do you most value in your friends?
Their honesty and transparency, as well as how gentle they are with it. He loves that his friends are themselves, rather than trying so hard to please others.
Part Five: Growing Up (Teen/Young Adult)
70. How much schooling have you had?
A lot of it. He did music lessons outside of his regular primary school education, which means a lot of his free time when he was younger was taken up by schooling. Then he started secondary school in Italy, moved to England and a new secondary school, and then got kicked out of there and went to a third secondary school. So he had a quite inconsistent secondary school education, but didn’t miss a lot of the curriculum. (He’s a pretty average student, decently smart and able to catch up, but puts in very little effort).
The only true interruption to his schooling came in sixth form, where i imagine he had to take quite a bit of time off, first from the fight then from the school’s consequences and then for his mental health. (I also think he went back home to italy for some time during all this, when his mental health was very bad)
Essentially I think he had to retake sixth form, or at least re do year 12 a year after everyone else.
71. Did you enjoy school?
Gio likes learning and knowing things, but only things he’s interested in. He thinks that school especially secondary school is a waste of time as he’s being made to learn things that either don’t matter or he doesn’t care about.
Instead of doing homework or revising he spends his time doing his own thing, reading and learning about what he wants. Essentially he’s very smart but does badly at school.
And no, he hated all of school, even primary. There’s no doubt he’s cried over how much he hates school before, and begged not to go in on the mornings. He hates the people and the structure and everything. It causes him a lot of distress, especially how the other kids view him.
He’s shed a lot of tears over this.
72. Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?
For music it was his mam and the music education she gave him outside of his regular education. She also encouraged him to read whatever he wanted and to never stick by the schools rules. Everything he knows he’s learned from the library, especially learning how to write both songs and poetry.
73. While growing up, did you have any role models other than your parents? Describe them.
Probably poets and songwriters, I don’t find it hard to imagine little Gio having a strange affection for Sylvia Plath.
74. While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?
He and his mam got on like a house on fire, aka extremely well and extremely not well. They clash a lot, argue a lot but love each other to bits.
Gio got on well with his cousins but didn’t see them very often, and was quite distant from his uncle and aunts given how infrequently they saw him.
When Juan came into his life, I can imagine Gio was a bit withdrawn at first, but Juan brought out the best in him and they got along really well.
75. How old were you when you went on your first date? Describe the date.
Oh lord.
His first date was probably with Aaron, though it would never have been specified to be a date.
The only time Gio would consider their time together ‘dates’ would be after they kissed in that December.
After that first kiss, when Gio was very drunk and immediately fell asleep, Aaron started avoiding him.
Gio, feeling completely awful and like some twisted pervert, avoided him too, terrified Aaron would tell all his friends and Gio would, once again, be a laughing stock.
Obviously this didn’t happen, and after a few weeks of the cold shoulder, Aaron quite clearly reciprocated Gio’s feelings (he snogged him).
Any outing with just the two of them after this Gio may catalogue in his head as a ‘date’. Which more than likely consisted of them buying some crisps at the corner shop, stealing a few cans of something off of Connell, riding their bikes to the river and having an impromptu picnic whilst mucking about. Very romantic.
76. What is your favorite memory from your teen years?
77. What is your worst memory from your teen years?
78. When and with whom was your first kiss?
He was 14 and it was with Aaron. I’ve already written it out 🤭
79. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
Not a virgin. Gio lost his virginity to Aaron when he was about 16. It was after they met for the second time, after they spent some time pretending they could just be friends.
It was obvious to Gio that Aaron was more experienced than him. That between the time of their ‘breakup’ and them meeting again Aaron had lost his own virginity, had maybe had sex multiple times. When or with who Gio never asked. Gio’s a naturally very jealous person, as when he falls in love he falls in love hard, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel envious. He knew it was his fault that him and Aaron broke apart, so much had changed in that time, Gio had changed, so he couldn’t really be surprised that Aaron had changed too.
It didn’t happen at either of their houses, instead in the back of Aaron’s brother’s car, parked up in the Northumberland coast. There was no one around.
For how impromptu and strange it was, Gio’s never regretted it or thought back on it with anything but fond humour. He thought it was nice, and despite everything he’s glad it was with Aaron.
80. Describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today.
Probably all the weird depressing books he read as a kid. He had a library card and free will and a mam that let him read what he wants.
Gio’s always had a bit of an unrealistic, darker mindset and always sees things more poetically due to the books he read that romanticised all matters of dark material. Essentially he’s weird because all he consumed when he was a kid was weird media.
I think his mam’s depression had a big influence on him too, especially how independent he is. He doesn’t really think about it, but the way he feels in his teen years and how he reacts to these feelings is very based around how his mam dealt with her own mental state.
More of Gio’s diary! These are from a little later on, when his mental health is declining a little more.
Again some transcripts:
september 2022 (after the fight with juan)
theres howling inside the house, like someone left a windown open and the drapes are thrumming against pane glass panels
theres someone else up there thats the only explanation, they got in through the back door or the open window or the floor boards or the gaps in the wood work there has to be someone else because please god it can not just be me.
am i truly that lowly? that i’ll hyperventilate about some imaginary explanation of my world class shittiness? oh no it wasnt me it was the stranger in my head, look no further mrs Arendt! case and fucking point
god i’ll do anything but take accountability, but why do i feel truly truly like im pushed to the side when i talk its someone else when i move i havent told myself to im living my life on autopilot and im sick to death of the turbulance i think everyone whos ever had the misfortune of meeting me is hoping this autopilot turns into an mh370 situation, honestly i am too
october 2022 (just before the fight with liam)
theres nothing before me, i used to be so scared of this unending path like an entire future unravelling before my feet. ive passed the exit passed the finish line i should have turned left at the corner ages ago and im still going. im shrapnel some dumb consequence of some dumb action, the worst thing is im making it everyone elses problem. i cant spare one pleasant word in going down and im taking everyone with me shouting obscenities in the middle of this winding road. i dont think im brave enough to give up now, but i want to im sick of myself
im hurting towards nothing, im burning out
do i really deserve to feel this bad about myself? am i that awful? im not even asking a rhetorical anymore i want a straight answer. something went wrong at my baptism, they never washed the first sin from me, ive still got all of my ribs and counting. god what did other people ever do to deserve me
are my pupils dilated? would anyone look me in the eye to notice? i think im a lame animal, sometimes i imagine myself dying but i can never imagine some beast taking pity on me, i dont know how they do it but wolves know the sick, they smell disease on them from a mile off. they’d rather go hungry than east someone like me but id beg to be devoured, to contribute to at least the cricle of life if nothing else. To give back for all I’ve taken.
a little transcript in case my handwriting is too terrible:
august 2021 (before first breakup with aaron)
you are expanding and constricting in blues and purple, bruised lungs, beaten and deoxygenated above me. me, trapped in your ribcage. i feel like the body who’s spleen i sleep on had swallowed a stone, and i’m just rattling around your torso.
i wish i was buried between someones vertebrate but theres no one around to eat me. i dont think im a very a pretty stone, maybe id be more edible if i were smaller or if i were a kinder stone. i dont think people would care that i was hard to swallow then. But im not a pretty stone and im not a smart stone so they feel every scratch as i drag myself down their oesophagus.
I think it would be better if people got operations and surgeries to remove me anyway. i dont want to be in there anymore, i want to turn faster and farther in between their organs so they take me out. i dont really want them anyway. i want to be a stone on the shore, i dont think id be on a shingle beach. i dont know if there are any stones anymore, i think im the last to be removed. ive been feeling sick a lot more recently, my heart beats so fast and heavy in my chest. it shocks me
i think sometimes its easy to forget im alive, im just going through the motions
october 2021 (just moved schools)
“I am not an earth nor an adjunct of an earth / I am the mate and companion of people, all just as immortal and fathomless as myself”
I cant begin to understand him, his heart is pouring out love for everyone that passes him, how could he feel more connected to uncaring strangers than uncaring nature? the stranger chooses not to care, chooses to loathe and anger, nature has no say in it. It creates storms and tsumanis and fells trees and cleaves land in on itself through no fault of it own, through no choice. Maybe the stranger doesnt have a choice either, maybe that is nature, a passage of self and outward destruction writen into genes and dna and into lines of bark and blades of grass. Maybe its nature not to care, but that makes me too sad to believe. and anyway, if i was to be hurled into an uncaring sea or an uncaring crowd of strangers, id ask to be ploughed against rocks and turn sea foam pink, i dont like strangers.
I need to stop thinking about that stupid passage about his stupid abundance of understanding. I need to read something else, probably do some homework or something.
Maria and Gio’s relationship is complicated to say the least. They love each other deeply, being the only present figure in each others lives for a long time, and reflect one another. However, their similarities cause conflict, neither of them enjoying the parts of themselves they see in each other. For a long time Maria was not a stable parental figure in Gio’s life.
Maria has never been able to handle her own issues, even when she was a young girl. She experienced bouts of depression as a child/teenager which her mother chalked up to her being purposefully difficult. Maria would often act out, snapping at her peers, breaking her possessions, sneaking off to perform or, most notably, running away when she was only 17. Maria’s acts of defiance could be seen as a form of self medication, chasing a feeling to subdue what she was or wasn’t feeling.
Maria’s mother fed into her disillusioned coping mechanisms, it was impossible for her to see that her daughter may be struggling. She blamed Maria for how she felt, pushing her further away.
Maria had a troubled adulthood what with having her fiancé, and only friend, cheat on her multiple times with her knowing, being completely cut off from her family and financial insecurity. After running away from Narciso after becoming pregnant with Gio, Maria faced one of the few instances of debilitating depression she experienced. She had been depressed before while with Narciso, being unable to attend shows or move on with tour due to being ‘under the weather’, but this she had to face completely alone. After giving birth to Gio she suffered post natal depression and found herself unable to truly care for him.
Throughout Gio’s early childhood he can remember dark patches, when his mother wouldn’t come out of her room, where he was left hungry but too little to reach the kitchen counter. He missed days of school, he itched his skin, unclean but unable to figure out how the bath worked. The dark patches were few and far between, and when Gio was very young, he and Maria never discussed it. One day she would simply come out of her room, pick him up and kiss him, and it was like it never happened. Gio thinks back on it now and wonders if it was just some persistent bad dream he had, as whenever he tries to mention it to his mam she denies it. (Most of these occurrences happened after visits from Gio’s father, or interactions between Maria and her family, which were very inconsistent and were rare occurrences)
These instances were easy to forget as Gio got older, until they were almost unsalvageable from the back of his mind. At least they would have been if not for the death of his uncle. Francesco died in a ‘terrible accident’ although almost everyone knows it was a suicide, no one will admit it. Francesco died, who was the only one to helped Maria in her darkest moments, who welcomed her back with open arms when she came home, who was the only one there when she gave birth to Gio, who let Gio experience what having a dad would have been like. Maria fell into a deep depression, which lasted many months. Gio remembers almost none of it, like one entire chunk of his life was picked from his brain and erased. The moments he does remember were disturbing, crying at his mothers closed door, tugging on her arm to feel sharp bones under paling skin or lying in bed beside her and watching the basin of her collar bone fill and fall with her rancid breath. He remembers this awful dreadful feeling that his mother was going to follow his uncle, that he would lose her too. Strategically, Gio does not think on this part of his life at all. But her remembers the sick rolling feeling that would lull from his little body and into the carpet beneath him, making it sway under his feet when he would attempt to climb the stairs. They would stretch on into darkness, a gaping smelling yawning at the top of the stairs, as the end of the corridor, and inside it his mother. Long black hair, lying on her side in a dim room that smelled like stale air and sleep filled mouths.
Maria drew herself out of this depression after learning about Narcio’s other sons, her little boy’s brothers, and flung herself into the long process of fostering and adopting Juan.
(Side note: This may be the only point of contingency Gio has towards Juan’s adoption. He’s always harboured a grudge, not towards Juan but towards his Mother, that Maria was able to pull herself out of her depression for Juan and not for him. Maria was always able to fully parent Juan quite consistently, while Gio never truly got to experienced this.)
When Maria was well, which was most of the time, their relationship waxed and waned. Maria was never quite sure how to raise Gio, and walked a fine line between too strict or too lax. Maria and Gio were extremely close, having only each other, so even as a child Gio shared very similar tastes with his mam, the same music and shows and activities. And with Gio having very few friends, almost all of his time was spent with her. However, whenever conflict arose (Which was quite often as Gio was quite a…difficult… child) Maria found herself falling back on her own mother’s parenting. Shouting and punishing without clear reason, ‘because I said so’’s and frequent silent treatments. Maria wasn’t able to deal with her own emotions, let alone Gio’s, so when tension grew she would simply pretend he didn’t exist until he apologised.
Maria deeply feared that Gio would turn out the way she did, so she used strict demands to keep him from following her path. Forcing him into classical music extracurriculars, church twice a week, confession, confirmation, alter serving, all devices to be handed into her at whatever hour she felt. As Gio began developing odd behaviours and conversations, Maria read his diaries (This probably let to a lot more secrecy from Gio, he never truly forgave her for that.) She would change her rules at random, leaving Gio to struggle to catch up, never confident in her own parenting.
Besides the strange bouts of strict parenting (Mussolini treatment in Gio’s words), Maria could flip very easily into being a very lax ‘cool’ mam. Despite the conflicts that arose from their similarities, there was a lot of solidarity there. They shared an odd sense of humour and a general distain for their neighbours and people at Gio’s school. Maria would swear around Gio, and allow him to do the same, she’d let him wander to the beach whenever he fancied and together they amassed an impressive audio library of any and all music. She would let him read any books he got his hand on, and even encouraged him to pursue his own literary interests over whatever his school set him. (Maria had a long history with Gio’s schools, always defending him no matter the behaviour, they share an unpleasant attitude towards organisations and neither like to be told what to do.) She never pushed him to make friends, knowing he hated the idea.
Maria’s ability to flip from being completely chill and relaxed into extremely strict at the drop of a hat always left Gio confused, never knowing what he could or couldn’t say to her, likely leading to him keeping things from his mam, in order to keep the peace. Even now, he keeps secrets to not distress her, knowing any wrong thing could send her spiralling into distress or anger. Gio has many mood swings that reflect his mams.
To say the least, when things were good between them they were vey good, and when things were bad they were very bad, neither Gio or Maria do things half way, so their relationship is a pendulum swing of extremes.
When Gio thinks back on his childhood with his mother he can never make up his mind about how he feels, to him his mother was both his best friend and his dictator (He’s very dramatic). He’s made his peace that they’ll never go too long without arguing, that he’ll never truly make his mother understand his perspective on things, and him hers, and that there are things that happened when he was a kid that he knows shouldn’t have. But he knows that at the end of the day his mam would shout down teachers for him, would spend whats little left of her money on anything to make him happy, that she’s just scared and unwell and wants whats best for him, even though her ways of achieving this may not always be the best.
tldr:
Maria and Gio are not ‘half arsed’ kind of people and their relationship reflects this.
Gio is extremelyyy private about his journal, its filled with all of his secret thoughts and feelings, unfinished songs and rough poetry. But his handwriting is so bad that no one would be able understand it.
Tell us Dawn’s side of the Vicky and Athena situation
Please
I like Dawn
It’s Dawn time.
As previously mentioned, Dawn, Vicky and Athena were as close as they could be in primary school, and this followed them into the first few years of secondary school. Dawn had no interest in making new friends or being around anyone other that Vicky and Athena. Of course she did end up meeting new people, but she never felt like needed anybody other than her two best friends. They understood her in a way no one else did, whenever she was overstimulated or unable to communicate how she felt, they were there and they knew. They understood her better than she understood herself, and she couldn’t imagine being herself without them.
When Athena began to struggle after her mam left, withdrawing from her friends, Dawn tried very hard to see things the way Athena did, but she couldn’t fully grasp what Athena was feeling or how to fix it. Vicky was always the problem solver, always the more assertive and authoritative friend. When Athena began to date Liam, suddenly changing her opinion on his advances, Dawn again struggled to see things through Athena’s eyes. The entire affair rubbed Dawn the wrong way, especially the secrecy. It took both Vicky and Athena persuading her not to tell anyone for Dawn to stay silent. It made no sense to her, if something wasn’t wrong, why wouldn’t you tell? (Honesty is Dawns biggest crutch in navigating the world around her, secrets, double meanings and lies frustrate and distress her.)
Both Dawn and Vicky remained unaware of the way Liam treated Athena, so when she broke up with him seemingly out of nowhere, Dawn was just as surprised as Vicky was. Though she had never been the biggest advocate of their relationship, she was under the impression that Athena was happy.
After not hearing from Athena for a few days (the break up possibly happened during a half term break) Vicky pulled Dawn aside in the early morning before tutor began, with wide eyes and a tense jaw, and told her what Liam had lamented.
Athena had cheated on him, cheated on him with the new boy Giovanni. That all the time the two spent together in the music rooms compiled a great mosaic of Athena’s infidelity. Vicky told Dawn that she couldn’t believe it, in the way that people do when they do believe something but don’t want to. Dawn repeated the sentiment, in the way people do when they truly don’t believe something.
It made no sense, Dawn knew Athena. She would never do that. It wasn’t a question of why she would do something like that, but the simple verdict of she wouldn’t. Vicky had already made up her mind, tormented at the idea of never truly knowing her best friend and the pain she’d caused her brother. Dawn said nothing, needing time to think. It was within the week that the rumours had grown and spiralled, that everyone that cared to hear it knew what Giovanni and Athena had done behind closed doors.
Athena hadn’t spoken to Dawn in days.
Vicky refused to even look at Athena, dragging Dawn away from her and keeping her close. It took a while, maybe a day too long, for Dawn to catch Athena. She didn’t want to talk over the phone or text, she needed to see her and hear her voice.
It was after school, Athena having hidden herself away for the entire school day as she had done for the past week or so. Dawn found her lingering behind in a tutor room with Giovanni.
The conversation was staggered and awkward, neither knowing what to say but both desperately wanting to say something. Dawn is quite blunt, and can come across as rude or snarky whilst being completely genuine. Her grasp on social customs isn’t the best and tends to default to unfiltered honesty in emotional situations. All this being said, she made the mistake of asking Athena if it was true she had cheated on Liam.
Athena didn’t react well to this, seeing it as an accusation, a condemnation, rather that the sincere question Dawn intended it to be. Dawn didn’t believe that Athena had cheated on Liam, but asked the question in order to lay out all the facts in front of her. Athena tore into Dawn, with tears in her eyes, the venomous words came easily. How could you believe something like that? Do you really think so little of me? That i’d whore myself out? I know you don’t get it, Dawn, you never get it. Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to someone who thinks that low of me. I hope you and Vicky are happy together, a perfect duo.
If Dawn were a more poetic person, she would have seen that one slither in time, that snap shot moment as the epitome of that period of her life. Left standing on her own in an empty classroom, feeling like she’s in the wrong but not knowing why. Athena almost brushed her shoulder as she stormed out, Giovanni trailing behind, and Dawn for once wished she had.
Dawn found herself reaching back for a constant yesterday, watching park swings knock together with a pit in her stomach. Laughter and bows and discounted dolls made her inexplicably angry, and the idea of a hand in hers made her palms sweat and prick. She hated birthday cards and candles and handwriting and feathered lace.
While both Athena and Vicky stewed in their own anger as self centred and obnoxious as stars exploding outwards, dawn felt her own anger wither and die quietly, falling in on herself. Dawn stuck by Vicky, out of a desperate need for routine than anything else. She didn’t believe her, and every sly comment that dripped acid from Vicky’s curled lip made her sink further in her chair, but Athena was unreachable.
ok listen here nerd, i need some toxic lesbian shit right now or i'm gonna lose it.
please
please
please
can u tell us about vicky and athena and their relationship! i have to know what it was like and if u could share some moments between them!!
thanks love u
ty for the ask, you’re my biggest fan <3
Very soon I’ll do actual character intros so things make a bit more sense. Since their relationship seems to be your fav I've written a lot just for you.
Vicky looks back on her childhood and thinks of grass stained knees and gingham picnic blankets, of pink ribbons in blonde hair and soft brown hands in hers. She doesn’t remember how she, Dawn and Athena came to be friends, but Dawn, always superstitious, called it fate. They shared everything, secrets and clothes and toys. They shared their passwords to their library computer accounts and shared worlds on whatever games they played. They spent almost every playtime as if it was raining, staying inside to read over each others shoulders or playing games with intricate rules only they knew. Vicky passed clips and bows from her hair to Athena’s, careful of her curls, and always told her she looked pretty.
To focus solely on Vicky and Athena, their relationship was cut from the purest cloth. Athena had always felt like a jagged edge, a jigsaw piece with a curling corner. Vicky, with hair that shocked the sun and a row of perfect pearl teeth, slipped her hand into Athena’s and softened her. When Athena scraped her knee, Vicky was behind her with a wet paper towel. When Athena lost a toy in the yard, Vicky offered her hers without a second Thought. When Athena’s Mam started rocking their little family, Vicky opened her arms and her home to her.
It’s easy to assume that Vicky always has a crush on her, that she knew from day one that what she felt was romantic, but it wasn’t. Their relationship for the longest time was soft and innocent, Vicky holding no intentions other than wanting to see Athena smile.
It’s in this fashion that their relationship shifted in secondary school.
Vicky blended in seamlessly to the quickly forming popular crowd, etching out a name for herself as untouchable and outspoken. She formed a tight group around her, how couldn’t she? Vicky was perfect, well read and strong spoken. She was magnetic. The world around her rolled off her back like water. Dawn was quick to catch up, and Athena felt she was jogging behind. Athena felt once more like a sore thumb, obvious and untethered. It was Vicky who held her hand and told her she wouldn’t want to be anywhere without her, who carved out a space for her.
The idea that something as trivial as school or popularity would separate her from Athena scared Vicky.
Vicky was very protective over Athena, always keeping a close eye on her, and this overprotectiveness led Vicky to the conclusion that the best way to keep an eye on Athen and to stay aware of all aspects of her life was to have her date her brother, Liam, rather than one of the boys from school who she did not know and did not like. (Subconsciously, the idea of Athena dating anyone made Vicky feel uncomfortable, even when Dawn was beginning to gain the attentions of the boys in their year it never affected her the way it did with Athena. Of course for us its easy to imagine this is because Vicky had a crush on Athena, but she didn’t recognise this and chalked it up to her wanting to protect Athena.)
Vicky pushed Athena towards Liam. Liam (Who is three years older than the girls) had shown interest in Athena for a long time, since she hit puberty essentially, and needed no convincing in beginning a relationship with her. (Being so young, 14, Vicky and Athena saw no issue with dating someone older, someone as trustworthy as Vicky’s brother) Vicky felt so much more secure knowing Athena was with her brother, that she was privy to the progression and all aspects of their relationship. Essentially, Vicky began dating Athena vicariously through her brother, unbeknownst to any of them. She was so invested in their relationship because it felt like it was hers, though she did not realise this at the time.
When, in Vicky’s eyes, Athena breaks up with Liam out of nowhere, she is understandably hurt and confused, feeling as if she herself has just been abandoned by Athena. It’s by unfortunate chance that Liam is the first to speak to Vicky, rather than Athena. He explains to her his theory, which then spirals into a presumed fact, that Athena cheated on him with that new boy Giovanni and left Liam for him. (Vicky was already uncomfortable with the friendship forming between Athena and Gio, seeing him as a threat to her relationship with Athena.)
Vicky feels that she herself has been betrayed by Athena, she’s heartbroken. When Athena fails to apologise or take accountability, Vicky is distraught.
She doesn’t understand why Athena would do this to her, as if breaking up with and supposedly cheating on Liam is a personal affront to her. When Athena points out the odd reaction Vicky has to this entire affair, Vicky responds with aggression.
Vicky doesn’t understand why, but it’s as if Athena broke her heart, she barely pays notice to her brother’s spiralling behaviour or reaction, fully focused on soothing her own broken heart through anger and denial.
(Theres a lot more plot stuff around how Vicky reacts, her relationship with Gio, Athena and Liam’s relationship and the conflict between Liam and Gio but this is long enough already oops. If u wanna know anymore or more detail lmk I am willing to yap about anything.)
There’s no one home and winter is fading, he’s allowed me onto his bed, and the thought makes me feel like a dog. I don’t hate that.
He doesn’t say anything, lying still beside me, dead weight. He’s on his back and I’m on my side, curled into him.
I’ve watched him breathe for a while, and he watches the ceiling. He never puts the tv on anymore, and never picks up his phone. ‘There’s nothing there anyway’ And I feel the same way. Nothing shines or excites anymore; the white ceiling might as well be an explosion to me.
I lift myself up on my forearms, resting my head on his chest and he doesn’t react to my doing so. I take it as permission. His eyes are shut as I trace the angle of his brow with my finger, down the arch of his nose and the valley of his cupid’s bow. I pause at the dimple in his chin, and drag my finger across his Adam’s apple. He swallows and I feel satisfied. He holds my hand then, tight with my finger still pointed, reaching.
“Did you hear me?” I know he did, I just want to hear him say it. He doesn’t say it, he only hums. He must feel me watching him, a habit he says I take up too regularly, he opens his eyes.
“What do you want me to say?”
I shrug, but it’s hard with my hand trapped in his. I don’t know why I find it so easy to touch him, but when he touches me back I feel like I’m being burned.
“I don’t know, anything.”
The silence stretches then.
“Anything.” He says, and I know he thinks he’s funny. So I laugh.
✦
When I first met Aaron, I had a lot to say, and no one to say it to.
I’d aways felt like I was moving faster than the world around me, I was unpleasant, displeased and unsatisfied. When I first stepped on a plane, I felt a fear stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. I think I’ll chase that feeling for the rest of my life. I made a promise to myself on that flight, my brother beside me, miles above the ground, that things would change. That I would change, tune myself into the world around me. That I’d find a calibre fitting with everything around me. That people would like me. I unravelled on that linoleum floor, my life in bags. With each step forward I felt myself falling away. My suitcases had burst open and spilled every vulnerable, naked part of myself onto the floor. I left it behind me, all of it, my uncles t shirts, my childhood teddy, pictures poster and CDs. Summers by the sea and winters nursing my mother. I looked over my shoulder at it and walked away. My bags felt lighter, but I felt heavier. They were stacked inside of me now, weighing on my chest, my ribs and lungs. I couldn’t put them down or pick them up. I felt full of everything. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel empty.
My brother didn’t seem to pause, so I didn’t either.
It began to build then; I’d pour myself onto pages and strings as I felt myself shake for a connection. When I met Aaron, I was on the precipice of a discovery, that more than anything, more than loving people, more than being loves, I wanted to be wanted. I wanted someone to look for me in the way sun hazed over rolling hills, in the run of water, in the turn of pages, in the ink still drying. I wanted someone to want as much as I did.
I have often been told that I am intense.
When I first met Aaron, I couldn’t see him for the crowd. I felt blinded by these people, their rough pushes and tooth chipping laughter. I fell into it, these uneasy friendships. I knew I was being made fun of, I knew when they laughed they were laughing at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I’d sit, hands twisted and ankles crossed under sticky tables and speak in my tripping accent and they would laugh. I’m ashamed of myself, for lapping so easily at their hand, drinking up attention like I was dying of thirst. They called my name and I ran, they could have told me to sit and roll over and I would have done so. They said jump and I was already leaping.
Aaron never opened his mouth; he never took his eyes off me. I didn’t notice him, not for a long time.
They took me out for the first time in early October, the nights got darker faster and the air bit. I don’t remember much, bar being in a stranger’s house. I felt inexplicably sad looking at the family photos, even sadder still at the lighter spots on the walls where some had been taken down. A statue of a king Charles spaniel had been knocked from a bookcase; the porcelain of its body crushed into the dirty carpet. I remember feeling sick then, and pushed my way through the hot boxed kitchen to the garden. It was quieter, but not by much. Someone had begun a bin fire in the middle of the brown grass. I sat far enough away that it didn’t warm me.
I sat on the patio step and found myself wishing for my brothers. Easy laughter had never come naturally to me, and more often than not I was in a bad mood. But somehow my brothers had a way of easing me into fun, they made things a bit more bearable. Maybe I’d have enjoyed myself more if they were there. There was a bottle of something in my hand, I didn’t know what it was, but I drank it anyway. I think I felt I was supposed to.
“You alright?” The voice came from my right, and I looked to see scruffy shoes with duct taped soles. I looked up to see Aaron. Maybe I was already a little drunk, but his height shocked me.
I nodded, not sure what my voice would sound like. He didn’t say anything else, my neck hurt from staring up at him, but I didn’t look away. I thought if I did he might disappear. No one had spoken to me all night. He sat down, spreading his legs and rolling his ankles. He leaned forward, easy, relaxed. I felt stupid, curled in on myself, tense and coiled compared to him.
Aaron glanced sidelong at me and held out a hand. I took a moment, blinking at him. Stupid.
“You gonna share?” He was smiling, and I realised I’d never really heard his voice before.
I nodded, and passed him the bottle from where I was clutching it like a lifeline. He drank from it, still smiling. He took a drag of a cigarette I didn’t realise he was holding. The smell was familiar, and I thought of my mother. I shook my head when he offered me it.
He held the tab in lax hands, dangling over his legs. I watched the dim light of it kindle and die with each smoke.
“Do you even speak?” He was smiling.
I nodded, and then spoke when he laughed. His laugh was sharp, it set my teeth on edge and pulled my stomach. I smiled.
“Yes. Yeah.” I remember how hot my face felt when my voice came out rough.
“Have you ever been to one of these before?” Aaron passed the bottle back to me, and I held it without drinking.
“No.” Suddenly I could only speak in one syllable. He hummed, and it was only when he looked away that I realised he hadn’t taken his eyes off of me the whole conversation. The thought made the bottle feel slippery in my hands, I wasn’t used to being watched.
“I’m not-“ I didn’t even realise I had opened my mouth. “I’m not good at all… this.” I waved my hand towards the house.
“All what? House parties?” He knew what I meant; I think he just wanted me to talk.
I shrugged, and then laughed. “Yeah, I guess. Or, you know…” I trailed off, not sure where I was headed. My head hurt.
I glanced in his direction, and he was looking at me again.
“Yeah,” His voice was almost too quiet to hear over the thrum of the party behind us. “I’m no good at this shit either.”
I was about to contradict him when he stood suddenly. Maybe it was the alcohol, but the action made my head spin. Aaron brushed off his jeans and put the cigarette in his mouth.
“Wanna ditch?” He said around the tab. Aaron held out his hand to help me up. I didn’t know what ditch meant then, my English still rough around the edges. But I knew he was asking something of me, and I felt the urge to please him. I looked at his hand and saw an olive branch. The party howled through the night, the house a tomb of strobe lights and drunk laughter. I felt sick.
I took his hand.
“Okay.”
✦
It’s been days since I talked to my brothers, and it’s been months since he talked to his. I’ve been living on nods and shakes for the past week and my world has become closed doors. In a sea of closed doors, I can’t begin to think of him as a key or an opening. He’s a crowbar or a blunt object, something to force rather than pry. He’s a voice telling me to hide the knife better, rather than get rid of it. He hasn’t asked me why I haven’t picked up the phone, and I haven’t asked him why nobody has called him. We work better this way.
✦
It began like that, and continued much in the same way. Lonely parties, cold steps and Aaron. I felt a fast attraction, something magnetic, like I’d never felt before. Everything I saw of Aaron left me hungry, starving. I don’t suppose it was a crush then, but an intensity that I wasn’t familiar with. I looked for him in every crowd, at every table, in every conversation. He was different from me, his laugh was sharp and rare, like chipping flint or a spark against lighter fluid. When I first heard it I knew I’d do anything to hear it again. Soon it was me that sat by his side at lunch, stood at his elbow in a group. When you looked for Aaron, you wouldn’t find me far behind.
Looking back, I know I was desperate. I’d been begging for attention my entire life, scared of a connection but dying for it. I found it in Aaron that night on the patio steps, and it fostered a feeling in me. It made me feel powerful. It made me feel that maybe, maybe, someone might want me the way I wanted them. That Aaron might look for me like I looked for him.
When Aaron first let me into his home, I must have fallen in love with him. We had become ensnared, intertwined, until suddenly there was an ‘us’. That ‘us’ forced a ‘them’. I felt Aaron turning his shoulder to his friends, eclipsing me with himself from the blinding light of parties and fake laughter. I was shadowed by him and encouraged it. Lets go somewhere, just us, no one else.
So, he brought me home.
It was haunted. The last house on the street, it had no gate. The paint peeled, the windows were opaque, and the grass was dead. The building was bleeding and it made me think of home. When it was just me and my mother and I was scared to go upstairs, scared of her room and of the light left on in the kitchen. I used to cling to her skirt, beg her to come to bed with me, to sleep beside me to please please not leave me alone up there. Other times I would hold her hand, standing beside her bed, and beg her to move. To say something, to do something, to feed me or hold me. She’d rot there and my house would bleed.
Things got better for me, they clearly hadn’t for Aaron.
He led me through the dim hall and to the living room. I learned it was just him and his brother, his dad was around but infrequently. Aaron seemed to prefer when his dad wasn’t home. He left for his room, telling me it was a dump and to hold on for a few minutes. I felt that same sickly feeling as I did when I was a child, alone in a haunted house. There was a picture on the mantel piece, and nothing else. She was young and blonde. Thin with a sickly pallor, or maybe it was just the lighting. The way she stared through the picture, directly at me, made me shiver. She wasn’t smiling. She made me think of my own mother. I missed her then.
“That’s my mam.” I hadn’t heard him come downstairs, and his voice made me jump.
I didn’t say anything, knowing whatever came out of my mouth would be wrong.
“What’s her name?” I knew she was dead, from the stained carpet and the holes in Aaron’s shoes. There were no other pictures in the room, only hers. I felt like I was defacing her grave, standing here in her home and asking for her name.
“Siobhán.” He grimaced when he said it, like the name left a bad taste in his mouth. I looked back at her picture and saw Aaron.
His room has stayed the same since that day, plaid blankets and blue walls. The window didn’t close properly but Aaron said he liked the breeze. I’ve sat on his bed hundreds of times since then, but I still remember the first time. It was the beginning of November, and the sun was already bleeding away behind the blinds. My hands were cold, I wondered if Aaron’s were too.
Dog eared pages, half-finished cans and flashing video screens.
I talked a lot, and Aaron says he doesn’t understand me. I asked if it’s the accent and he shook his head. He lit a cigarette and held it. I think he’s too young for it. No, he said, it’s just you.
He leaned back on the headboard. Unchecked messages, front door unlocked. He makes to pass me the cigarette and keeps holding it out when I refuse. I take it, unsure what to do. “Bring it to your lips.” His voice is hushed, and it makes me nervous. I do so, and breathe in. It catches in my throat, but I can’t tell if it’s the smoke or the way he’s looking at me. He laughs, but its barely a whisper, and tells me to try again.
He holds a hand under my chin and looks at me through the smoke. I blow it in his face, like he has done to me time and time before. He wrinkled his nose, and I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t. I knew his friends, I knew him. I knew better than to reveal that part of myself, that had somehow, throughout the months, become buried. Aaron looked down at my lips, and back up to catch my eye. I wonder what he saw, in the next moment he suggested I head home. The air was still thick with smoke and something I didn’t understand, my hands were warm.
I walked home long after the sun had set.
Boots crunching frost, limp leaves and warm hands.
I couldn’t stop smiling.
✦
The worst thing is that he loves me more than anyone, when he holds my hand and kisses me so hard it hurts. He’s desperate for me in a way that scares me, in a way no one has before, but I don’t think he cares for me.
If I was a better person, I wouldn’t love someone who couldn’t love me back. But time has proven I am my mother’s son.
He says something, maybe about going home, but I don’t listen. I pull my hand from his and press it to his chest, drawing myself on top of him as best I can. His hand moves from the air to the skin above my pants, holding my hip. I don’t feel anything at the touch. I’m as tall as he is, so I draw my legs up to pretend I’m smaller.
He makes a noise that I feel myself laugh at, before he rolls us over. I’m buried deep in tattered pillows and tired sheets, under him. I wind my arms around his neck, and he falls atop me. Our bodies are different, his heavier and mine weedier, but we fit together imperfectly. He knocks the air from me without any of the feeling.
He reaches a hand up and brushes it through my hair, tugging at the curls at the nape of my neck. I sigh but from no pleasure or ease. I’m so tired.
He kisses me again, soft enough to make me miss the way his lips had bruised mine the night before. I feel unsteady like this, uncharted.
We lock eyes, but neither of us can maintain it.
“When are you going home?”
Are you bored?
“Soon. Just give me a minute.”
He doesn’t say anything, only waits for me to drag myself from under him. He doesn’t watch me go. I feel poisonous.
✦
When we first kissed, the first snow had already fallen and winter was well under way. We were ditching friends, leaving behind loud tomb rooms for unwalked paths. We left our bikes by chain link fences and passed no trespass signs. We walked river fronts and he shoved snow down my jacket, I laughed easily. The evening grew closer and Aaron told me his fingers were numb. I took his hands in mine and rubbed them between my palms. I felt brave, and didn’t pull away until he did.
There was a gathering at the beach, and for the first time I asked Aaron if we could go. He looked at me confused, and asked if I still hated all that stuff. I shrugged and told him I loved the sea. We went. There was the smell of an open fire, of wood burning and sweet nights. We drank to keep warm, and smoked to stave off the chill air, we hid in caves from the wind. Someone ran into the sea, and others joined them. I was drunk, and giddy from a second hand high. My head was spinning. I stripped off my jacket, and then my shirt.
"What the hell are you doing?" Aaron seemed distressed, and I laughed at the crease in his brow. I took off my shoes and laid them neatly side by side.
'I'm going to go swimming." | couldn't hear my own voice, but my tongue was heavy in my mouth.
"You'll die." I unbuckled my pants and stood in front of him, almost naked and freezing.
"Maybe," He was sat before me, leant back on his elbows to look me in the eye. I think of when we first met. "You coming?"
He shook his head, mouth agape.
Suit yourself, I told him, and took off down the beach. I was aware dimly of whooping from the bonfire, and of Aaron following me, calling my name. Impulsivity was my vice.
The first punch of water around my knees almost took me to the ground. I waded as deep as my thighs, my skin pricked and numb. I turned around and saw Aaron standing by the water, my jacket in his hand. He cupped a hand to his mouth to call me back and I smiled at him, before diving.
The sky and the sea were the same colour, the night leaving whisps of moonlight on the surface. I chased them, spinning in the water to watch my hand skate through them.
I thought of how many people had died doing this. I thought of my uncle. Of red and blue lights and a call gone to voicemail. Leave a message after the tone. My chest felt tight, and when I broke the surface, I still couldn't breathe. I saw a snowflake land on the back of my hand, I couldn't feel it. Heavy arms and blueish feet. I saw Aaron, backlit by the fire, holding out his hand. I felt scared then, the dark horizon seemed too close, and I seemed too far. It would drag me down, past moon beams and past fire reflections.
I called out for him, afraid. Aaron waded up to his ankles and didn't seem to care for the cold. I crawled through the water to him; my legs lead and frozen at the joints. He came closer to meet me and wrapped me in my jacket before pulling me into his arms. He said something, but I didn't hear him over the chatter of my teeth. I pulled on his sleeve, and he leaned down to listen. He was only a few inches taller.
"Take me home. Please."
He nodded, grip tight on my bare arms, and led me away from that gaping sea.
I don't remember the bus ride back, just the feeling of myself curled around his arm and his jacket over mine.
“I don't remember where you live," he said, leading me up his front garden.
"Neither do I.” I laughed, and he cracked a smile for the first time since I stepped into the sea.
His brother was home, and he laughed when he saw me.
"Jesus, Aaron, I thought you said you were looking after this'in." I wasn't aware of much, only that I didn't like Aaron’s brother. I couldn't remember why, but I saw purple bruises behind my eyelids. I grumbled at him, and he laughed again.
Aaron ushered me upstairs, his hand light on my back when I tripped and staggered. He led me to the bathroom, and I dry heaved into the toilet until I began to shiver. Aaron dried my hair with a towel, careful around my ears and gentle along my scalp.
Warm beds and soft towels. Aaron tugged off my shoes and helped me out of my shirt, I swayed on the end of his bed as he eased one of his hoodies over my head. I was wearing all of his clothes, two pairs of his socks and joggers with the drawstrings tied twice. He commented on how thin I was, but more out of looking for something to say.
He lay down beside me, pulled close in a mess of towels and blankets. I could hardly see him, my eyes heavy lidded from drink and cold. I drew my hand out of the pile of fabric, and pressed it to his face, dancing fingers through his buzzed hair. He didn’t stop me, only watched me. His eyelashes were blond, I hadn’t noticed that before.
I didn’t have to lean far to kiss him, tilting my chin until the tips of our noses brushed. I could still see him, his eyes crossed and his face blurred. I kissed him with chapped lips and a bad taste in my mouth, and I felt him freeze.
“Sorry.” I said, my eyes closed and voice a sigh. “‘m sorry.”
I didn’t see him move, but felt the bed as he leaned up on his elbows. I felt sick and brought my knees to my chest. I’d ruined it. I’d ruined all of it. Sorry. So sorry.
There was nothing for a moment, but shame in my stomach and my head on his pillow. The brush of his fingers on my cheekbone startled me, but I didn’t dare open my eyes.
He held my face, his hands warmer than my cheek, and kissed me back. There was no movement, just the slow press of dry lips. He was better at it than I was, I fisted my hand into his hoodie to pull him closer. He licked his lips and kissed me again. I’d never been kissed before. We broke apart with a yawn. Aaron’s breath was still hot on my lips.
“Do you hate me?” I must have asked. He shook his head, and his nose brushed mine side to side.
“No.” His voice was just a breath I felt in time with my own. He lay back down and I pushed myself into his chest, my teeth were chattering and his hand was in my hair. I tucked my head under his chin, pushed my legs between his and hooked our ankles together. He held me, his breath short and his grip tight.
I didn’t say goodnight, asleep before the realisation hit me. I woke up with a headache and a smile.
✦
Last night I told him I hated who I was and everyone else did too, that I didn’t care what happened to me, that I wanted to disappear for good. He looked at me then. I didn’t see hate there, but I didn’t see much else either. He kissed me hard, his lips pressing mine against my teeth in a way that almost hurt, so I opened my mouth. I don’t know if he thought it might make me feel better, I doubt it. But it’s an easy enough distraction. And now we are here.
✦
I pretended for two weeks that I didn’t remember that night, until I kissed him again in the hallway of a stranger’s house. He didn’t seem mad that I lied, as when he kissed me back it was a force strong than any I’ve felt.
The winter faded, and Aaron and I began something new.
Giovanni Rabellino (Gio to his brothers and few friends) is the main character of this story, whilst other character’s experiences are integral to the plot (Such as Athena) he is the main character as it is mostly told from his perspective.
-Moving to England-
Giovanni moved to England to live with his brothers, Juan and Pierre, when he was 13, leaving behind his mother and large extended family. Despite his upset at this, Gio tried to push it aside, focusing instead on a new start and making up for lost time with his brothers.
In Italy Gio was never a popular kid, he came from a small town where everyone in his town and community knew each other and he was never outcasted, he just struggled to connect with people outside of his family. Gio could come off as standoffish even as a child and tended to rub others the wrong way. This ended up in him occasionally getting picked on or teased, but never enough to leave Gio genuinely upset. When he was a young child this isolation from his peers never bothered him, he thought most other children to be stupid and he enjoyed his own company more anyway. He laughed when other kids didn’t, kicked hard and smiled with all his teeth.
But as he grew older, and saw his brother Juan form friends easily, he began to feel there was something wrong with him, and wanted desperately to make friends if only to prove to himself that he could.
-Year 9/10-
This sentiment followed him to England, growing stronger. It became almost a mission, making friends as quickly and efficiently as he could. This causes Gio to quickly fall in with the wrong crowd in his naivety, mistaking their mean attitudes for true friendship. When they laughed at him, Gio preened, as at least they were laughing.
Falling into these unsteady friendships led Gio to form his first relationship, with Aaron. The relationship is kept a secret from everyone to avoid any sort of homophobic reaction from their friends and the boy’s family. It’s fun at first, holding hands underneath tables and kissing behind closed doors. Soon, the secrecy weighs on both Gio and Aaron, unsure of how the other feels but scared to lose the strange connection they have. Throughout this time Gio starts to try to pull them both away from the people around them. This fails however, and with more of their ‘friends’ speculating about Gio and Aaron’s relationship, tensions run high. Eventually, after harsh words are passed and confrontations made Gio seems to snap. Attacking another boy at school, Gio is withdrawn from the school to prevent anymore involvement with the people around him. Always impulsive, Gio decided to cut all ties to that school, deleting every number and social media account. Every one of Aaron’s voicemails are left unopened as Gio deletes is contact.
Gio refrains from telling anyone why he fought that boy, ashamed of himself for getting involved with such a crowd and for his relationship with Aaron. Telling the truth, in his opinion, is futile when everyone already has their own interpretation of events.
-Year 10/11-
When Gio moves to his new school, rumours of his expulsion follow him. By this time Gio has closed himself off to the idea of making friends and decides the people around him aren’t worth the effort. He’s teased and given a wide berth by most students, catalogued as a freak in the schools collective understanding and ignored henceforth. Gio seems unperturbed by such isolation, accustomed to his own company. Gio’s careless attitude towards his own isolation sets the tone for when he meets the second main character Athena and the beginning of the story.
-The main events Year 10/11-
Gio meets Athena through a partnered music assignment. They fall into an unsteady friendship, Gio unwilling to open up to Athena and Athena perturbed by his standoffish manner. Slowly, to Gio’s distain, they become friends. (Read Athena’s introduction for more background on these events)
After breaking up with her toxic boyfriend, Liam, through Gio’s encouragement, Athena witnesses the fallout of all her relationships. Her friends, one of whom, Vicky, is the sister of Liam, take his side in the breakup, leaving Athena alone. She relies more heavily on Gio for company. Gio, unsure how to navigate such an emotional connection, comforts her as best he can.
Soon rumours spread, started by Liam and circulated by Vicky on the nature of Athena and Liam’s breakup. According to rumour, Athena cheated on Liam with Gio, sleeping with him frequently. Athena then, according to Vicky, left Liam to be with Gio.
These rumours spread, taking the shape in accusations of classroom sex and both Gio and Athena being as unfaithful as they are easy. Athena’s reputation and relationships are tarnished, and she is thrust into isolation. Gio and Athena, despite the speculations of their relationship, grow a close platonic bond, being the only person that understands the other for what they are.
It continues in this way for a while, Gio and Athena falling into routine alone together. Liam, fully convinced of Athenas infidelity, blames Gio for ‘seducing’ her. This leads to Liam’s actions developing beyond teasing and falling into bullying and near obsession. He begins to Blackmail Athena with nude photos of herself, meanwhile harassing Gio both in and outside of school.
Neither Gio or Athena tell their family nor the school, Athena terrified of what her father will think of her for having such a secret and intimate relationship with an older boy and both afraid that no one will believe them. It’s one thing if the entire school looks at you and sees impurity, it’s another if your family thinks so too.
-Back with Aaron-
Unsettled and falling into a near depression, Gio rekindles his relationship with Aaron, desperate for some semblance of familiarity. Their relationship follows the same narrative as it did before, behind closed doors and tinged with secrecy. Though this time, Gio does not despise this aspect, and instead revels in it.
-The argument-
As matters grow more intense, and Gio’s mental state worsens, he begins to withdraw entirely from those around him. The threat of Liam grows more physical and paralysing each day, leaving Gio, who is already struggling, deeply paranoid. He takes to carrying a knife on him, not to use but to comfort himself.
This leads to a confrontation with his brothers. His older brother, Juan, finds the knife in Gio’s school blazer. Unable and unwilling to explain himself, Gio becomes extremely defensive. Having notices the change in Gio’s behaviour since changing schools and coming to England, his brothers are rightfully concerned. Juan questions why Gio is carrying around a knife at all, let alone to school. Gios, paranoid and extremely anxious, argues with Juan until he snaps and says things that rock the brothers’ once close relationship. Juan, hurt and not recognising Gio, leaves. Pierre, Gio’s eldest brother, learns of the fight but not the subject of it, and demands Gio apologise. Gio tries to do so, but still unwilling to reveal why he possessed such an item, the apology seems lacklustre. Gio withdraws from his brothers after this, believing he has damaged their relationship beyond repair yet not being in a state of mind able to repair it.
Now at odds with both of his brothers, who had previously been the only consistent relationships Gio had had in England, Gio falls into a pit of self-resentment and impulsivity.
(Possibly the knife was confiscated by Juan after their argument, adding to Gio’s anxiety following their confrontation as the only crutch of safety had been taken away)
-Jumping to conclusions (New, not fully fleshed out)-
Leaning more heavily on Aaron, Gio only feels safe when with him. Their relationship grounds him, and though he can feel it begin to change due to his emotional state, he puts his all into Aaron. (read Aaron’s intro for more context).
Aaron, conflicted in how to help Gio, walks a fine line between devoting himself to Gio and pulling away from him.
After spending a long period apart from each other, Gio and Aaron are yet to truly catch up and become invested in the others personal life. This leads to tension due to Aarons unrequited romance with a girl in his year. Despite not reciprocating her feelings, Aaron plays along with her interest throughout the time he and Gio spend apart and after their reintroduction. Unsure of how to approach either Gio or this girl, Aaron says nothing about this issue to either of them. This continues for a while, Aaron showing no real interest of investment in the girl yet never truly telling her so. Things may have come to a natural end if not for the girl making a move on Aaron, truly believing he harboured feelings for him. Aaron refuses her, terrified of telling her the true reason he isn’t attracted to her, not wanting to hurt her feelings or out himself. Aaron resigned himself to not mention the incident to Gio, knowing his fragile state and not wanting to cause him any more anxiety.
This would have been fortunate, if not for Gio finding out about the interaction between Aaron and the girl. Not knowing that the incident amounted to nothing, Gio jumps to the conclusion that Aaron cheated on him by sleeping with that girl.
He blames himself for this, believing if he wasn’t going through a difficult time, he would be a better friend and boyfriend for Aaron. Gio believes that he’s the catalyst for the bad things in other people’s lives, Athena, his brothers, Aaron, His mother. He believes he drove Aaron away. In typical Gio fashion, he does not confront Aaron on this and instead spirals into a dark place, meanwhile still going out with Aaron, pretending he is none the wiser.
-Prelude to the fight-
After presuming that Aaron cheated on him, Gio becomes much more sensitive to his situation. He’s unable to handle Liam’s actions against him and Athena and becomes increasingly angry and upset about what is being done to the both of them. With his mental health spiralling, Gio becomes increasingly impulsive and reckless, as he had been a few years prior and this regression into dangerous old habits sets off warning bells for Aaron, who had been keeping a close eye on Gio’s behaviour. After spending almost all of his time at Aaron’s, too ashamed to face his brothers, despite believing in Aaron’s unfaithfulness, Gio decides something must be done. He can’t continue living the way he is, feeling unsafe both in his day to day life and in his own head.
He expresses this sentiment to Athena, who, despite being hesitant, agrees. She doesn’t yet recognise Gio’s impulsive behaviour as self-destructive. He describes to her a half hatched vague plan to confront Liam, persuading her that he is completely sure and confident that it will work. Unfortunately, she believes him.
-Gio and Athena’s plan goes as follows:
Athena will text Liam, finally answering his incessant messages, asking to meet up. She will explain she just wants to talk, to clear the air. She gives him a slither of hope that she’ll take him back, or at least accept that he was right to accuse her of being a cheater.
They’ll arrange to meet somewhere Gio knows well, a spot he and Aaron frequented, far from public eye but close to the highway and the back of a neighbourhood.
Gio will then go in Athena’s stead, to gain the upper hand and finally be the one to get the jump on Liam. The main goal is to take Liam’s phone, to delete the pictures of Athena so they won’t have to bend to Liam’s whims anymore.
This is where the plan becomes vague, and Gio begins to persuade Athena of its successfulness, rather than explaining the logistics. In theory, Gio will be the one to explain the situation to Liam, he will tell him to give it up, to leave them alone or else. That through some means, the pictures will be gone, and everything will be okay. Why they thought Liam would listen to Gio of all people is a mystery. They were desperate and tired. Athena wanted to trust Gio, wanted to let him fix it, wanted it to all go away.
It's important to note that, like to every occasion, Gio brings the knife with him. Athena does not know this.
(If Juan took the knife, in the hours before the confrontation with Liam, Gio will have needed to steal the knife back from Juan. Could led to an interesting interaction.)
They meet as its beginning to grow dark, Athena waiting behind anxiously. Gio is fully confident, and almost happy at the upcoming confrontation. Neither Aaron nor his brothers know.
I think I’m going to post writing here and ramblings about Gio’s story, rather than post it on instagram or bombard the group chat…or maybe I won’t I haven’t decided yet!!! I just really want to have and use a tumblr blog
Putting the dog to sleep @whitetaileddeer - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
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