I don’t know exactly what to say here or exactly what it means but if I write it down maybe I will figure it out.
My son just turned 16. I had just turned 21 when I had him. He was a precious baby, a charming funny little boy and he’s growing up into a very tall, lanky, slender, thoughtful, caring, somewhat rowdy young man.
We took him to Santa Cruz over the weekend.
I’m 37 now and I weight exactly what I weighed the day before I gave birth… The irony not escaping me- I’m not pregnant, but I weigh enough to be carrying around another human. It would seem I never lost the "baby weight"? Although I am an advocate of body acceptance at any size I’m still hard on myself.
So I’m standing in a long line on the boardwalk with my son, and this absolutely lovely woman walks by, she’s completely perfect by california standards, petite, slim, tan, sandy blonde hair, full Breasts in a hot pink bikini top… I admire how picture perfect she, she appears flawless and as if she lives in a land of endless summers while noticing that her bikini top is the one that I bought for myself…amusedly I think, well that’s what that is supposed to look like…it looks nothing like that on me.
While I’m admiring this picture perfect really pretty summery woman, my son says whistfully “so many attractive ladies here…”
I say “I know. She is. And she’s wearing the same bikini top I bought.”
He gives me a blank look.
I say “that hot pink bikini top?”
He’s still looking at me blankly.
I say “I thought you were taking about that chick in the pink bikini that just walked by…?”
He says “what chick in a bikini?” And he laughs. Then he points to a girl close to his age who is quite a bit ahead of us in the line.
She’s not slim. At all. She’s quite curvy. But she’s hidden her curves with a boxy button up Hawaiian print shirt and high waist cut off shorts. Her legs are tan and she’s wearing converse high tops. She has short thick messy natural undyed hair cut into a bob. Her eyeliner is very thick with Lana Del Rey wings and dark lips. Then I’m admiring her too… She’s young, she’s darling and she’s… Average? But suddenly she really IS just so attractive. I notice her nose ring, her purse, her pretty little chin. I notice the way one smile line of her butt cheek just barely peeks out under her shorts when she shifts her weight to one foot. She is absolutely so attractive.
And then a bunch of things occur to me…
My son has (or my have, or may be developing) a “type” and this is fascinating. It’s somehow sweet and strangely psychological at the same time. He’s shown interest (to me anyway) in 3 young ladies in the last 7-10 months, two of which he has dated. All of these girls share common features, they are curvy and full. Beautifully blossomed young women with tummies, thighs, hips, breasts, stylish hair and very feminine with make up and clothing and pretty things but with an edginess or slightly rebellious vibe. I’m truly fascinated. As if some long believed myth about the opposite gender has just been debunked. Which is stupid, I’ve told myself men love different types of women for years… But I guess I didn’t know that a pattern of attraction could develop so early. Society’s enforced ideals don’t effect every young man’s expectation of the feminine appearance? I guess I just assumed they did and then experience was what developed “type”. My son is not that way? I wish I had known this about men my whole life… Then back when I was the age of this young girl, on the boardwalk, in Santa Cruz, who is being admired by my son and now me as well, perhaps I would have loved my body more, valued my appearance, enjoyed my youth and personal brand of beauty.
It occurs to me that the women that stand out to us women and blare us with our own insecurities can actually truly be completely invisible to men. I don’t think the completely invisible part ever really sunk in until this moment on this day. My son didn’t notice pink bikini lady that I was obsessing over….at all. Perhaps my husband does notice her either. Perhaps the only one comparing my tits in that bikini top against hers IS ME. Why do we do this to ourselves??? Why do I still do this to myself?
Both of the women on the boardwalk were absolutely stunning.
One for her tan glowy skin, hot pink bikini, perfectly matching wedge heel sandals, tightly toned body and truly gravity defying breasts.
And the other for her effortless induction into womanhood, her embracing of her youth and cultural influences, her perfect paradigm of her own generation, she is everything we admire in youth and beauty, yet she is also intimately following her own journey as well.
Let me say that again. Intimately following her own journey.
What purer form of beauty is there? I can’t think of one, and is this not what we all are doing? Should be doing? Meant to be doing all along?
I seem to have forgotten, or perhaps I’ve inadvertently allowed myself to be programmed away from it and it took the eyes of a child- my child, who is now clearly becoming his own man to teach me or reteach this lesson.
