I spin in endless circles until I become a fucking drill and end up at the core of the earth over talking about this topic at all.
I want to delete this post and hide from it as much as I want to raise my hand in all the noise and go “I’ve got something to say, please actually fucking listen.”
Talking about this is painful and complicated. It is also a risk, in practical ways. I regret saying anything and felt terrified and ashamed pretty much the moment I made the original reply. It fucked me up pretty hard for a few days. (And this? This is part of what OP was talking about.)
But I’m sitting here, watching some additional commentary/tags roll in and... I see you. I am so sorry, and I see you. I am making art for you and others that have ended up with far too heavy of a load; the disabling, crushing kind. I am making art for you because it is literally not safe for me to do “real” things and engage in “real” ways right now. But when I can, I will use my voice to do “real” things. For now, this is what I can do.
And maybe... sometimes... creep out of the hole and try and advocate and articulate. So. One more thing on this, then back in the hole.
When we are talking about being perceived as “toxic” (I hate this word so much) or radioactive or monstrous - it is NOT just in the context of talking about specifics. This is not just someone going into a party and bringing something really horrific up to people who are not expecting it and do not have the experience or EQ to navigate it around the punch bowl. Nor is it a matter of revealing details or specifics in more intimate spaces and relationships.
I said “you have marks of [it] on you and in you and it makes other people feel uncomfortable.” By this I mean, it is not in the act of talking about difficult and heavy topics or specifics, it is in the act of existing as you are anywhere because those things are part of you. Guess what. If anyone could turn those parts off or separate them out, THEY WOULD. (This stuff? Not a matter of “go to therapy” by the way, but thanks - and if you think people like this aren’t on going fixtures in the mental health system, do some actual research. Some damage isn’t “fixable” in the way people think. Sorry. No happily ever after into the sunset for some of us. Oh and, by the way, not meeting or wanting mainstream goals and benchmarks of what “healing” means is seen as “sad” or “pathetic” or “failure” and more to be avoided because it’s “too depressing.” This is a whole other tangent about acknowledging, let alone celebrating, healing that doesn’t fucking look like the “ideal” of it.)
This is where the feeling radioactive comes from. Not in talking about specifics of this stuff, in LIVING it.
The way people connect and bond and form relationships is to share experiences and commonality. Now imagine the exhausting and dangerous dance of this act being a potential minefield because anything you reveal about yourself might be the “wrong” thing. And especially in cases of long term abuses (and add in revictimization) what is normalized to you is not normal to other people. Trying to show up and participate and engage sincerely and having people look at you like you have three heads and just shat your pants is such a terrible fucking feeling ESPECIALLY when you are being hyper careful and that cautiousness is misread (or weaponized!) as... fill in the fucking blank.
So you become very, very guarded and very very careful. (Or some go the other way, and this one... this one is often met with judgements and accusations of attention seeking behavior and I hope anyone reading this can understand how cruel this is.) Every single interaction becomes about navigating that minefield. You do this because you had to. Or actively have to. It is what kept you alive. And here you are, in “safe” and “low stakes” situations having to do the same blast-your-fucking-legs-off-tap-dance because while the stakes are different, they are not low. Here is why:
People don’t know histories, or details, but can tell that something is “other.” No matter how careful or guarded or cautious, and that itself becomes a “signal” of this othering.
Loneliness is dangerous. Not only emotionally and mentally, but practically.
I talked about being thankful for anyone who will be in the room with you. More often than not, those people come to you because sharks can smell blood in the water. And abuse and mistreatment thrives in isolation. Hands and hearts get so full going “oh boy, someone is being kind to me... I think this is kind? (even though I don’t really like how this feels or what they are doing, I am sure they mean well because I am the fucked up one here and at least they aren’t doing XXXBASELINESETATABJECTHORRORXXX to me, so I should be thankful).” THEN folks get so attached to these garbage people (and often, out of sympathy for them!!) and for throwing crumbs that they hide what these people are doing from others and defend them when and if someone notices because this is how abuse and mistreatment works.
Meanwhile, some of these people are sitting here, in fandom, trying to show up and participate while also trying not to move or speak or do much at all because they think they are a minefield... watching this nonsense fucking discourse volley back and forth while getting bashed in the head with the ball on both fucking sides.
And this goes all the way back to the point made by punkass-diogenes, that I am putting here:
Everyone, try to do better. Please.
And to those this applies to, on the inside, there is space for you. We gotta keep building it, and it shouldn’t be on the wounded ones to build it. But like most things, it is. We do the work and clear space not given to us. Maybe someday we won’t have to anymore.
