Here to Burn

written by me

[wildfiresinherheart]

There it goes again

That hunger and ravenous need

From my heart and the pit of my soul

War and ruin raging inside of me

A tidal wave of the worst infidelity

Can I trust myself to be

Or must I fight the cavernous impulsivity

Alone crouched in the dark

Curled within myself

Lies that tiny thing

My face and tongue as a shield and sword

My eyes surveiling everything

My mind spinning tales of cruelty

Spiraling and falling into the dark

Could I awake with clarity

Will I succumb to the sharp

Unyielding and quick release

Could I slip into that obscurity

The keys play a familiar melody

Somehow that brings me back

To the child with innocent eyes

She smiles and looks up at me

I remember her though it seems long ago

She needs to find a new hobby.

[wildfiresinherheart]

We used to dance

We used to smile and sing

You and I, hand in hand

Thats how it used to be

Now we sit still

Passing time separately

No more gentle caresses

Time numbing the need

We don't dance in the kitchen

Smiles and song don't come freely

In the years of this knowing

And unknowing of you and me

[wildfiresinherheart]

I think in other dimensions we must be married too

I can't see myself being me without you being you

You are the constant to my chaos the steady mountain to my wildest fire

It might seem strange but the older we get the more you fill me with desire

Maybe there's something to time we've spent something precious and unkempt

I find myself thinking how could it get better than you and me and our years together

Love is meant to be shared and to create perhaps that's what I'm dreaming as of late

My heart couldn't be capable of loving more but maybe if there's piece of us to adore

The perfect addition might be my next premonition

And on we three can go in every dimension

[wildfiresinherheart]

Njörd

You built this fragile heart with your penchant to tear it apart

With the world watching, you played it well

But at home, you put us all through hell

You're never wrong, I could never be right

I can't fight city hall, but I could burn us all

In my head, I hear your voice scream and shout

In the mirror, your words whispered my doubt

Promise and watch me cling with hope

But as I fall, you take away the rope

Say you will take me to the doctor, have them check me out

Tell them I've done wrong like you don't know what it's all about

I couldn't be close, and that wasn't always your fault

But how could I feel safe when you would always shout

You were there when I fell from grace

I saw the disgust written across your face

In your poisonous words, I used to drown

But now I don't have to listen or stick around

[twoblogger]

Speaking of books it's been a while since I've seen one of these posts going around & I'm curious so everyone could you tell me what you are reading rn in the tags please

[wildfiresinherheart]

It feels like they've carved it all out of me

Down to the hollow very last bit

Here I sit panting mouth dry mind sorting

Trying to find a pearl in all this grit

My passionate anger ebbs and fizzles

They want to break me and mold me

Somehow make all the pieces fit

Shaving off what they don't like what isn't their idea of right

The me that's too much or too real

Pounds not needed emotions not ceded

Until I become a new person unhurt

A naive girl who's never been burnt

But they can't erase bruises or a broken heart

They can't pick this woman part for part

There must be some of me left somewhere

After all, I never could quite learn how not to care

What is it that made me exactly who I am

Or who I was before their hands tainted me

The one they so badly wished to diminish

I know the real me is still deep down in there

[wildfiresinherheart]

I don't hate you I just wonder why you hurt me

What was hurting inside you, that you needed to control me

What made you want to be with someone so much younger

So delicate and immature, so not at all like you

Did it feel good to get me drunk, lay me down on the bed

Lift the blue sundress and pull the pastel paisley panties off

When you looked at my unconscious body did it make you feel powerful

When you told me my taste in music was stupid that I was just useless

Did you feel better about yourself

When I cried and clung to you did it make you feel sick too?

I don't hate you

I just finally figured it out

[wildfiresinherheart]

There was longing, aching, yearning

I had a hole carved out of me

And my heart was bursting brimming

Trying so hard to be set free

To pour myself into something someone

Who wouldn't just be a rock who would also talk

Someone who would share my love in all the right ways

Someone who wouldn't make me feel lost and lonely most days

I was trapped without and within

And I find myself shackled to a rock a brick wall

And there's no love for me to recall

[wildfiresinherheart]

Throat

My silent killer, the very source of my downfall

Health hazards, sure, but there's so much more. The vicious words like bile just get coughed out. Aways sore, never able to find the sweetness cure

So when you clutched it and shook me beneath, how could I blame you, really?

I hate to think about it, but I've gotten so very good...

I let those memories dissolve like listrine breath strips, slowly burning into my tongue and the roof of my mouth. The memory fades to the back of my mind , but oh how it resurfaces.

I feel the pain in my stomach, a large Boulder being hurled at me.

Then the flight or fight of can I ever trust you?

But wait, silly me. It's my throat, my fault.

[wildfiresinherheart]

Girl in the Video

I'll never be the girl in the video

They really all look the same

Small body big smile hair all wild

Clothed in tiny shirts or none at all

The video isn't even about her

But she makes it somehow magical

You want to be there with her blissful

Laughing or slyly serene maybe sensual

She is perfect though she can be overlooked

Someone who takes up more space

With so many blemishes head to toe

Couldn't be ignored so easily

Wouldn't fit the theme of whimsical or peaceful

I would ruin the whole picture with myself

But she blends in so seamlessly

Every time I see her incarnation

My heart sinks and I don't want to go there

Wherever she is the mountains or lake or city

I know she dominates that place and there's really no place for me

I hate her because I wish I could be her

Looking like I could make all your dreams come true

If I was the girl in the video you would have loved me too

[wildfiresinherheart]

Slippers

Its always there just below the surface

An ever present tremor encapsulated

Shifting the balance one trigger at a time

I always hated the scuffing sound

The shuffling slippers against floorboards

That rhythmic sound proceeded annihilation

[wildfiresinherheart]

I was an accomplice to the murder of myself and my spirit. But I was an accomplice completely unaware.

[wildfiresinherheart]

And you

Nothing will ever be as deliciously perfect as your eyes meeting mine. How clueless I felt but simultaneously divine.

Glancing back at you, still looking at me- not staring down. This imperfect encounter takes the crown.

When our eyes meet it's like electricity courses through me and every heart beat, I know you feel it too. Falling so fast surely would have been our doom.

The fall came and went. But don't think the insults never hit. Were you crude because you wished it had been you?

But you left things unsaid and they hung in the air like a looming dread. Why didn't you ask me or tell me right there. Why did you let me go on to be ensnared.

I've never been patient, I have to keep my mind and heart busy. Was it my rush for love and belonging that made you go dizzy?

Still I dwell on the things that could have been. Golden hair standing on end. Quiet reserved nature. Reading my stories online as a lover's venture.

Pants perfectly creased. Death Cab for Cutie as a final reach. Somethings are better left unsaid. I think I made you up in my head.

[wildfiresinherheart]

I've never been good at making or keeping friends

Because it's so hard to let anyone in

I'm a brooding dark anxious mess

And I'd rather play a game of emotional chess

[wildfiresinherheart]

Burn out

Lightning struck and lit me on fire

And I burned myself the brightest hue

I burned myself black and blue

I gave up everything just for you

Smoke and ash engulfed me now

Your love was always meant to tire.

[wildfiresinherheart]

I got chills at the very thought

That this was all there was to everything

My books and stories were never true

And my heart would never be held by you

[wildfiresinherheart]

Lives

Truly I feel as though there's nothing new left to be said. It's all been mulled over, chewed on and spit back out. There isn't a single original thought left. No new songs or stories. But the same more and more of the unique sameness.

But that's not true either. Because no two songs are truly the same neither are two stories. People cannot be the same, we are each different and so transformed.

I want to devour all the experiences and lifetimes whole. I want to absorb them all into my very soul. To feel what others have whether or not I can relate, I want to see the things they have done and been and gone through. Because it's all something sacred something new. I wish I could live a hundred lives, though I'm not quite sure how to live the one I have been given.