also wow was azune's breakdown this episode relevant my personal life lately, so i have quite a lot to add on that topic!!
like without going too much into my own trauma i did also have a very unstable childhood that didn't really afford me the ability to be a kid, where a lot of people depended on me without me being able to depend on anyone else, most of which i dealt with years ago. but what's sprung up again recently is the specific kind of betrayal around realising if you are a person like everyone else, then you also deserved to have people around you growing up to help you through stuff, and realising that other kids got that (and other people still get that), where you never did. especially as a neurodivergent person, i know i have a lot of emotional sticking points around teachers and counsellors in particular, who in theory it was their job to support me, but always just ended up treating me like a problem that was refusing to fix itself
which is kinda also where azune's at in terms of the lack of support, like he has a lot of love for both his real parents and thjazi sure, and he knows this isn't exactly their fault, but this kinda thing isn't rational, and ultimately every person in his life who was supposed to protect him failed to do that job. the best his parents could do for him was give him to a company who worked him to near death and then abandoned him when that wasn't good enough. thjazi it seemed at least tried to keep him off the front lines as long as he could, but he still wasn't raising a child, he was training a spy. and then there's the worst part, which is hal - and why azune gets so horrendously jealous in a way he knows isn't really justifiable. because he could have had a parent there! hal would absolutely have done his best to be what azune needed, but there's no way azune could accept that help and be what thjazi needed, it was one or the other. and that's not a fair choice to give to a teenager, but it was a choice azune had to make, so how is he supposed to blame anyone but himself for the path he chose? hell if he's anything more like me he was probably proud of himself for that choice at the time, because he was being responsible and helpful and saving people
(and where does he vent all that anger that eventually builds up once you realise that you're a person who deserved a childhood even if no one let you believe that or have one? thjazi and his parents are all dead. and what we're seeing from him at the moment is it's kinda going everywhere and nowhere at the same time - you can't keep it locked in because now you've noticed it it's unbearable, but it's a useless anger, because you know that no one can give you your childhood back. and it doesn't last long because there's this weird paradox where once having to do everything yourself starts to break you, even the act of being angry for what happened to you feels like just another task you have to do on your own and you don't want to anymore)
what it ends up as is this sort of feeble and frustrated wish, that just at some point in my life, i'd had any kind of mentor, or an older sibling, or a proper parent. someone to teach me literally anything in a way that didn't expect me to do 100% of the work and keep them happy at the same time. (azune did have an older sibling, but obviously she was not capable of being that for him and seeing her again is at least part of the trigger here). and it's a really tough thing to ask for, especially now you're in your late 20s, because you don't really have any right to that anymore! kids can get sympathy (even if you didn't), but where is the grace for saying, as an adult, "i know exactly how to do this myself - i actually know how to do it better than anyone else here - but i can't take that emotionally, i need someone who can take on some of the load and guide me through the process in a way where failing isn't life or death"? even murray still can't offer him that, however much she might want to, that's not the situation they're in. life always gets in the way in a way where you have to be proactive. you're the expert, do the job
and it's kinda why i wanna push back a little against everyone in the fandom saying if you call demodus a kid you should call azune a kid too, bc like. for starters i disagree with the sentiment that 22 and 27 are basically the same age, but regardless of how you feel about that or about demodus, i think azune's breakdown would still be valid and frankly exactly the same if he were currently 40. it's not about him being too young for this, it's about him never having had a time where he was too young for this!
(and since i've seen people wonder about his motives for volunteering occtis as strongly as he did - im sure everyone's had breakdowns where you just want someone to allow you the easy way out, and this just read like that to me. he's been refused demodus bc demodus gets to have the protection that he hasn't been granted, well occtis is an even better witness than demodus, occtis' presence there would have endangered him but saved azune. and azune and occtis may not be best friends but they did know each other before this, through thimble - occtis is the closest person to being in azune's situation here. he knows what it's like to grow up with a complete lack of support and have to do everything yourself, he's also been the kid adopted by thjazi who clearly had a role in mind for him! and also occtis was clearly about to say something in that scene, and while it may not have been "i'll go with you", i think it's entirely reasonable for azune to hope that's what he was going to say - to hope for someone stepping in to save you. so he then answered the unasked question and when he was wrong immediately went back on it, before occtis even had a chance to correct him, don't tell me no i don't wanna hear it. i can't right now, because if you say no then i know for sure i'm alone)
anyway he deserves all the ice cream he fucking wants, and maybe also someone to say hey, i know you can do this, but let me
