I think itâs important that folks recognize that this discussion about sexuality is a lot more nuanced than itâs often made out to be. This is likely going to be very long, because itâs really not a question with a simple answer.
Like, as a disclaimer (and itâs odd that I often have to do this), no one is telling anyone that they have to have sex with certain bodies or theyâre transphobic, or terrible. In the same vein, being penis repulsed does not = being transphobic.
Back to the point, you say that youâd have no trouble being with a trans woman, but sex is something you feel you wouldnât be able to handle if that woman had a penis, due to your repulsion.
I think thatâs a fair enough question, and itâs really evidence on how certain narratives and assumptions are so often made in regards to sex and sexuality in a cisnormative society.
People grow up being told that certain bodies are male, certain bodies are female, and they often find out that both types of officially sanctioned bodies being attracted to each other is heterosexual/straight, and folks who are attracted to their own type are gay. Simple, straight forward, easy to navigate through logically, and to build expectations around.
Combine that with how media (and sometimes education) teach us about sex in ways that donât or rarely discuss physical boundaries, and that helps build certain assumptions of entitlement, access, and expectations of how we will experience our partnersâ bodies, and how they will experience ours.
Trans folks (and intersex folks certainly have this potential as well) tend to throw a wrench into a lot of those assumptions, because suddenly, thereâs no dichotomy of bodies. Thereâs no easy sorting, thereâs parts thatâŠall our livesâŠweâve understood to be coded as one groupâs parts showing up on anotherâs. and as much as itâs easy to say on the surface âOkayâŠso penises arenât just things men haveâ, it can be difficult to really root out the impact such coding has had on our beliefs, thoughts, gut feelings and instincts. Kind of like how when i was a teen, Iâd claim I wasnât the least bit racist, and later realized that I was absolutely harboring racist sentiments in some of my reactions, instinctual thoughts, in beliefs on cultures, etc.
So itâs important to really ask folks to think about their take on how cissexism and cisnormativity might have shaped views on sexuality, and personal politics of desire, in the same way that racial preferences have been interrogated, and whatnot.
Because there absolutely are assumptions made about trans women, particularly trans women with penises, and how we have sex.
Now, Iâll say that if a personâs attraction (not just sexual, the whole range) to a trans women dies an immediate death upon learning she has a penis, thatâs transphobia, because attraction doesnât vanish like that unless thereâs major disgust involved.
Like, beyond the universally messed up assumption that weâre fully entitled to the bodies of our partners (which crops up when folks assume what would/must happen during sex across any context, whether itâs a cis dude assuming heâd have to give oral to a cis woman, or a cis guy assuming his cis dude partner would stick a dick in his ass, or a cis woman assuming a trans man would need to be penetrated, assumptions about access are a brazen display of entitlement), thereâs a lot of discussion about trans womenâs penises.
Iâll say right now that Iâm not penis repulsed, but I know that penis repulsion manifests in plenty of different ways, to different degrees, and I wouldnât want anyone to engage sexually in a way that would harm them. Thatâs very important.
But that said, thereâs been a lot of assumptions made by folks who are penis repulsed who assume that trans women with penises would penetrate them with it, who assume that they would have to touch a penis, that the penis would get erect, that the penis could ejaculate, that itâd share the same texture/smell (which, tbh, is something I donât get, since Iâm pretty sure that veries for everyone, but anyways) as a cis manâs, or that they would have to see a penis at all. And the way a lot of these assumptions are made tends to frame the hypothetical trans woman as an aggressor, which I can understand a penis-repulsed person doing (because they donât want to interact with one, such framing makes sense as a reaction), but thatâs still tied to the widely held social view of trans women as sexual predators. So while such responses and use of language are still valid and understandable, itâs important that folks recognize that trans women arenât sexual predators, that theyâre at an incredibly low risk of actually being sexually predatory compared to other demographics. A response that groups trans women with cis men in a cisnormative society is expected, but itâs still a cissexist response that needs to be recognized as such (unless, in the extremely rare case, a person has been assaulted by a trans women with a penis, in which case thereâs some merit, but such cases, by nature, would be immensely rare in comparison to those whose repulsion is drawn from cis menâs actions).
And honestly, those assumptions are pretty baseless. A huge amount of trans women with penises do not want their partners to interact with it at all. Paired with that is an enormous amount of trans people, particularly trans women, have experienced sexual assault or rape by intimate partners since transitioning, so even those who could entertain using their penis in some way during sex will likely be vigilant on discussing boundaries and potentially avoiding anything that could have lingering trauma bubbling up, for either partner. I know I wouldnât want to have dysphoria flare up while Iâm trying to be intimate with a partner, or have a trauma-related response, and equally as much I wouldnât want my partner to have any trauma-related responses, or to be made uncomfortable or hurt by my actions.
I know plenty of trans women who are (or were) sexually active while pre/non-op and whose partners never saw or engaged with their penis during sex. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for over 3 years and Iâm pretty sure heâs actually never seen her penis. Maybe on accident, but she keeps hers lucked away like fort knox, has major bottom dysphoria, and she manages to have sex regularly. She and hey boyfriend donât shower together, and they donât sleep in the nude together, but thereâs honestly not much else she couldnât do with her boyfriend that other hetero couples do.
So I guess what Iâm trying to get at is that thereâs a lot of assumptions being made about what being involved with a penis-bearing trans woman would be like, and a whole lot of them are wrong and fueled by transmisogyny.
And thereâs a lot of things people arenât thinking deeply enough about their sexuality. And that, in a cissexist society, likely means thereâs some transmisogyny rooting around in some gut reactions, notions of attractiveness, etc.
So are you transphobic because of your sexuality or what youâre able to involve yourself with? Iâm not sure that answer is more important than getting people to interrogate themselves on this sort of stuff. There are people who want to have sex with trans women who have penises, and there are people who claim itâs a dealbreaker. I donât want either group to get sexually involved with trans women until theyâve thought long and hard about this stuff, because those who havenât are far more likely to wield transmisogyny against us when theyâre with us in whatever way.
But if I had to answer in a simple, generalized way:
-A person should never experience a total loss of attraction to another person after learning their genital status. Thatâs a clear, and inarguable sign of transphobia at play. Simply knowing a personâs genital status is no excuse for such a monumental loss of attraction to a person.
-Being solely attracted to genitals is transphobic. Requiring engagement with specific kinds of genitals is fetishistic.
-Assuming the sexual form, function, and needs of a trans woman with a penis is transmisogyny, and (even if just passively) assuming full entitlement of a partnerâs body on a sexual level is also problematic as hell.
Do any of the above three fit you? if so, youâre probably dealing with transmisogyny/transphobia. Is it a massive deal that will have transfolk foaming at the mouth? Nope. In a world where even those who love and support us the most do or think transphobic and cissexist things, this is just one more rock added to the pile.
Which is why the important thing is getting people thinking, not whether or not theyâre transphobic. Everyoneâs transphobic, so itâs far more important to take a potential issue and investigate it until youâve got some answers. To let things stew for a while and really contemplate how cissexism and transphobia might have helped influence/frame thoughts on the matter.
Because no matter what, folks are going to walk away and do their thing, even if they DO realize theyâre transphobic in some way from their behaviour/thoughts. Some wonât care, and will be dismissive, for whatever reason. Some will find themselves upset by their biases, but wonât be able to feel attracted to such trans womenâŠand that doesnât make a person morally inferior or bad, just means theyâve been deeply impacted and itâs not the right time, if that time comes at all. There are plenty of ways folks can come away from self-investigation, and cis people checking the âwill fuck a penis owning trans womanâ box isnât a real high priority. What matters is that people have a better grasp on this, so that maybe one day, theyâll understand transphobia better and will be more active in combating it, in whichever way they manage. Maybe that means having healthy, valuable relationships with us. Maybe it wonât.
This isnât about policing sexuality (not that you said it is, though itâs often an accusation I hear), itâs about getting people to think from an angle that theyâve been explicitly taught doesnât exist, or isnât worth considering. Folks do that, and come away with a better understanding of how transphobia affects their life? Thatâs great! Thatâs what we want! We donât want people saying sexuality is excused from critical thought, like many do try to push, which is why so many trans folk harp on about this, and why itâs so important to get people realizing that nothing is unaffected by transphobia. Everything can and should be interrogated for it. Everything.
So yeah, Iâve gone on long enough. Basically, you think hard on this, you let some of these thoughts stew, maybe come back to them here or there going forward, then thatâs great. In the meantime, you do you. Learn more about transphobia, listen to trans voices. Thatâs much, much more important than whether you can have sex with us. Our abusers love to have sex with us, itâs not really anything special, or thatâs terribly concerning to the community. The important thing is HOW people understand us, and our bodies, within the sphere of sexuality and desire, and how transphobia, cissexism, etc. shape those understandings.
