just a box of rain

wind and water--believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on Ang. Thirtysomething. New York City, originally DC area Maryland. She/her. Gray ace/aroace. Photographer, traveler, eternal multi-fandom trash. The cool mushroom Gotham deserves. I don't think DNIs are worth much, but I will note that if you do not support queer rights and most specifically trans rights, this blog is not the right place for you. Please don't remove captions of photo posts. If the photo isn't mine and you like it that much, go to the source (which I always link) and make your own post. I won't care! improbable-rainbows | flickr | pillowfort | ao3 | buy prints on redbubble

[windandwater]

Fukuoka, Japan: Mitoma Beach at Sunset

[windandwater]

swam 15 laps today, which is usually the number I plateau at for a while before trying to build up to 20, which is my usual goal mainly so I can spend more time in the pool. this is my third time and I swam 12 both previous times, though I was willing to give myself a break and do 10 both times.

this is like. the best. it's so easy to get to this pool via car, which erases all of the mental gymnastics it previously took me to get here. I want to be in the water all the time. this is going to be a marathon not a sprint but making this kind of progress is so encouraging.

the first day was really rough on my ankle but today I don't feel anything unusual there either. it's like my body wanted to be doing this as much as my mind. I just needed a chance.

[tiktoksthataregood-ish]

[angel-derangement]

“we live in an uncaring universe” yeah dude and I live in an uncaring house. and I shit in an uncaring toilet. but do you touch an uncaring lover? do you comfort an uncaring child? do you guide to sleep each night a cold and uncaring self?

[angel-derangement]

please hurry up in reblogging this I wanna jorts it before someone puts it in one of those heartwarming tiktok slideshows

[ablubluh]

i was like 'what could jorts it possibly mean' but as with many things clicking the original post immediately clarified the situation

[gon-iii]

朱の賑わい

2017年、浅草寺。

買い手を待つほおずき市の鉢。

[windandwater]

aaaanyway I absolutely lied when I said I thought I would start posting next week. Chapter 1 is posted.

[windandwater]

got a new door to my apartment today. found out it was because the super got two doors when he really only needed one (I am unclear as to why), and the guy below me didn't want it.

new york is not a real place

[jetix]

Aleksander Nordahl

[jadagul]

Found myself wanting to say that "consuming text is easy and passive, unlike video which requires active effort to watch" and then realized this is the opposite of what basically every other human being would say.

[windandwater]

my therapist basically sat down and lectured me on something that she's. so fucking right about. I have enjoyed reading my whole life, even when I'm in dry spells I will always go back to it. I never grew out of that little kid phase when I would go to the library and come back with 12 books and burn through them all in a week. I find books differently now but the principle is the same.

and the other thing about me is that if I'd read the book, I don't want to watch the fucking movie. I don't want to go check out the TV show. there are exceptions to this, I don't hate TV & movies and I think they're very powerful and important and in fact there is a movie series (guess which one) that altered the course of my life. they're very important!

but one thing that happens is every time I finish a book someone is like "oh you should check out the [year] movie! the other [year] movie isn't so good and there are some things that are super different but it's really good!"

and I've always been like. why. why would I watch a mediocre version of a story that I already enjoyed in the format I prefer the most. but I never say that because I don't want to be a pretentious dickhead, like I get it, I'm unusual for this that I distinctly prefer one format of storytelling and it's not the same as most people's preference.

and my therapist goes. it's because books use your imagination. it's because you get to play all the visuals in your head. it's because every time you go back you notice something new and get to interpret it differently in the way it plays out in your head. actual visuals can be really fun and nice but you like using your imagination to do all that.

and like. fuck. she's right. visualizing it all in my head is the fun part. my imagination has always been overactive and there's specific ways I like to use it. sometimes it's nice for a movie or show to help you along with visuals that were hard for you to get your head around; sometimes they can smooth out a lot of clunkiness in certain writing.

other times it's like. damn. let me keep the version I created; I don't want this other mid tier one.

anyway whenever I put down the book and I'm like I really enjoyed this book! I will never feel bad again for refusing to watch the movie.

[windandwater]

wrote the ending.

[carmen-photography]

Mountain of Fire - Lofoten, Norway 2015

Same place, just a few minutes apart from one of my most shared images on Tumblr

instagram

[windandwater]

I'm just about at the end of this part; and this will be the last one. I wrote the very last scene I needed to write. it's not a good ending so there will be one more, but only one. I'm very nearly out of anything to say.

I actually have no idea how I'm going to end this. I've known for a long time that I didn't want to go all the way into the future of building a boat and going to Valinor, even as a flash forward (I hope this isn't a disappointment to anyone but tbh every depiction I've read of it has struck me as extremely trite, and I can't do a better job), but I never figured out the answer to the question of how and where I would end it.

this is a very strange feeling. I actually am not sure when I started writing this fic; I had what became the introduction written for something like a decade before I started actually filling in the rest of it. but I don't have an exact date. I stupidly deleted the original html file once I put it into Scrivener.

so it's been much longer than six years, for me. and now I'm staring in confusion at the ending.

this is a question for tomorrow. and there will be some amount of editing and rewriting before I post it, so there's more ahead of me before I'm actually done. but right now, I just don't really know what to do, and it feels very strange.

[memeuplift]

[mrbrojangles]

[windandwater]

I am just doing all this for fun & to write the thing I want to read but I kinda feel like "writing high fantasy flirting" should be a resume item. it isn't. but it should be.

[stillwater67]

peak fern

[windandwater]

it took a bunch of moving parts to get here but. the biggest one was being approved for access a ride. my favorite gym to swim at is an hour/hour and a half on two buses from where I live. any weather whatsoever and I would be stranded in the Bronx.

driving, it's 15 minutes. and now I can do that for the same cost as the bus.

I just signed up and went swimming today. and it was. so amazing. I have been so disconnected from my body and feeling like I don't trust it not to betray me and I'm just. back in it again. I thought I would start slow and do 10 laps; I did 12, and I don't feel like I'm dying, and I won't because I don't have to take two buses home in the heat. I'm not weak, I haven't lost all my energy, it just really has been too hard to do this with all the obstacles that were in my way.

it's not all fixed, I don't know if I will feel the same reluctance to do anything after work, or if I will be able to hack my brain enough to get there often enough.

but. you have to understand. the physical sensation of swimming is SO good. I love being in the water I love going back and forth over and over for no other reason than it's fun and feels nice.

but also. it's the only time my brain is ever just. quiet. usually I have eight thoughts going at once and three are something I'm worried about.

when I'm swimming it's one thought. and that thought is: 1. 2. 3. just counting laps. I hate thinking about numbers but it doesn't even matter in the water. and I'm not bored just trying to think one thought.

sometimes another thought will come up: what do I need to do after this? and I think: here is what I will do. and then I go back to: 5. 6. 7. no further internal debate or spiraling.

it's as close to meditation as I can possibly get. and it's such a relief that I sat there afterward waiting for my car and just crying because I can do this now. I can really do this.