My only crime was that I was down to clown

self made natural disaster, my pronouns are whatevers funniest for the bit, enduring my 20s, I guess this is just a heated rivalry blog now. the brainworms won.

[sleepnoises]

just met a three month old pomeranian named horchata. her paw was the size of my fingertip. she looked like half a dandelion fluff

[sleepnoises]

this just got a hockey rpf tag. due to the nature of this website

[sleepnoises]

other hockey rpf enjoyers now expressing skepticism and disbelief at the choice of man referenced above and tagging it with their preferred and more horchataesque men. i love it here and i'll leave when i die

[broadstreetbazooka]

meanwhile in australian men’s hockey…copper theft

[wine-dark-sky]

I understand the Montreal Metros on a spiritual level rn because my local hockey team just lost our Canadian baddie named Shane who was lowkey carrying us 😔 he went back home and then we lost our first game without him and broke our winning streak...😔🐕 [sad ice dog crying]

[wine-dark-sky]

For the first year with the Cens, every time Harris looks pointedly at Shane to elaborate on an answer for a video, Shane instead automatically repeats what he said in French.

In fact every time there's any kind of expectant silence while being filmed, Shane's Montreal media trained brain goes...should I be speaking French rn? probably. and fires. pavlov's chien, if you will.

[twominutesforembellishment]

A Tale of Kindy the Penguin

[freakeduploser]

heated rivalry fanfic favorites masterlist

no one is asking for this but i have to make my one million hours on ao3 mean something

the texture of memory: very very very good, read it i am so serious, completed

the anatomy of a bird heart in slow decay: a love story ft ghosts, grief, mothers and sons, and survival. completed

car wash redhead, tube top R.E.M. concert, juror #6: hollanov character study, power and love, i adore those freaks so much <3, completed

fall in love again and again: the classic tuna-melt groundhog day, with a house of leaves flavour, completed

Jessica: teenaged shane as seen through his relationship with his high school girlfriend, i love them both so unbearably much, completed

home economics: nhl lockout leads to hollanov living together in the situationship era-there's no way this could go wrong! completed

Route 96 Kanata: shane suffers a career ending injury before meeting ilya but where there's a will there's a tortured hollanov situationship nonetheless. full of fantastic ottawan idiosyncrasies. wip

World on Your Shoulders: what if shane had a queer rookie while deep in the midst of his "i'm not gay" era? delicious shane characterization, this whole series is a dark comedy that i want to swallow whole, completed

adding a cut because this got so fucking long lmao

wunderkind: breathtaking look into yuna hollander's inner world but everyone really shines through wonderfully here (ilya my heart i love you so much), completed

always, sun: canon,,,,,,,divergence?? magical realism, gorgeous and vaguely terrifying, completed

I have only two emotions (careful fear and dead devotion): shane disappears from hockey post prospect cup and hollanov meets again much farther down the road, gorgeous tender slow burn, completed

nothing makes me feel as good: shane character study through jj's eyes, god im so obsessed with this crazy crazy man, completed

I. ONE LITTLE GOD FALLING OVER ANOTHER: the last year in boston, gorgeous format, peeling back the edges of the GC universe, wip

The Canadian Hot 100: incredibly tender series of married hollanov vignettes, wip

The Discipline Of It: The Eating Disorder Shane Fic, at least for me. such a realistic look into an ed and ocd tendencies. love this take on shane & yuna's relationship as well, completed

your presence has gone through me (like needle through a thread): ilya gets a family and i cry one million tears of joy, wip

we'll make a home on the cracks: journalist shane fights his way out of an ethics torment nexus and finds true love <3 cute hollanov & fun shane characterization, wip

frequently, secretly fond of each other: boston! shane, you know it you love it, wip

some pacific wind: race and language: a hollanov conversation on perception, completed

dark out and still thirty degrees: one of the only a/b/o fics i've ever enjoyed, the misogyny/discrimination feels very real, ft. wonderful trans shane journey!! completed

gens du pays: "Do you think you can love two people at once"? aka giving shane a second situationship with sasha nolastname. might not be everyones cup of tea because ilya hasn't entered the picture yet, but i've been thinking about it nonstop since reading. such a good sasha , wip

Plexiglass Box: what if hollanov met as teens in Moscow? (ilya x coach's son but it was shane the whole time), Excellent tension, completed, with wip sequel

one of your eyes is always half-shut (something happened when you were a kid): a wonderful take on alexei, Such a gut punch to read as an older sibling, completed

and he spoke the bridegroom fair: pre-tunamelt shane on marriage, gender, race, and being known. completed

Hello From Moscow, Goodbye from Montreal: canon divergence circa 2012 where ilya calls shane drunk one night, and keeps calling after that, equally funny and devastating, wip

i could have been somebody else: shane and rose post-breakup discovering things about themselves together, platonic soulmates2me, completed

waiting for the tides to change: sweet little hollanov-as-childhood-best-friends snapshot , completed

It had to be you, Wonderful you: transmasc ilya you are soooo dear to me, completed

Offside: coach/player forbidden hollanov but it's sweeter than you would expect. wip

Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago: climbing inside your soulmates body is a thing that is both normal to want and possible to have (ft. painful but warming version of shane's life post. career ending injury), wip

head and body to you: tortured self-destructive shane character study, toxic? situationship hollanov, canon-typical emotion development through the lens of sex, completed

the soviet montage: obviously already popular but i had to, cold-war era hollanov post. ilya's defection from the soviet union, completed

Home Ice Advantage: another boston! shane but diving more deeply into how being traded would impact the hockey of it all, very perfectionism torment nexus, completed (with wip sequel)

Blizost: what if you could climb inside your lover and share one body between two souls?, completed

Mama's Boy, Mama's Boy: shane hollander's journey if the whole time he was also haunted by his situationship's dead mom, fantastic irina characterization, completed

cracked plexiglass: canon rewrite that fleshes out a version of shane's pre-NHL hockey career that's more realistic to the actual environment of high level Canadian juniors, wip

i know where to draw the line: older captain shane and younger teammate ilya, super cute, completed

but what if I need you in my darkest hour? : our favorite hockey players plane crash Bad on the way to 2017 All Stars, painful in all the ways, completed

Just Enough of You: shane fills in for his identical twin during a photoshoot with ilya rozanov, and the consequences are disastrous. hilarious plot on top of an incredible twin tormet nexus. wip

other half: another twin! shane fic, but twin sister this time. incredibly endearing main oc and complicated hollander family dynamics. wip

The Eyes are Afraid: "accidental child aquisition in the sense that shane accidentally finds himself co-parenting ilya's little sister", wip

calcified and useless (should i try and do it?): my favorite shanebortion fic, completed

spartacus.: "Ilya Rozanov, what do you want? And how are you going to get it?", completed

lenticchie per capodanno: ilya makes a friend post-tunamelt #doublebeard, the torment is so good, wip

Moscow lost and found: 13 year old shane goes on an epic family reunion quest in moscow and meets ilya along the way, they are soooo sweet and young it makes my heart hurt, wip

the winners-verse: canon-divergent series exploring shane and ilya's relationship after the end of HR. obsessed with these versions of them, they both have serious teeth. completed

I'm Just Happy You Still Call: yuna character study as shane does a little growing up, completed

if you're scared of wolves: ilya in a time loop but it's a Decade Long, broke my brain, wip

thylacine: shane's introspection on his race and hockey, i shed actual tears at the end, completed

virtue theory: a truly excellent shane character study. nothing like a man to misuse stoicism! completed

gulf winds: shane & ilya coparenting alexei's niece when really they could use some extra time cooking themselves. but also maybe the coparenting is the self-parenting in the end. ft. a delightful female oc wip

oh well, I guess we're gonna find out!: shane and ilya together as the zombie apocalypse comes directly post-vegas. really good shanestruggle, completed

Electric Fan (Feel It Motherfuckers): "Ilya has one hour to wipe his existence from his boyfriends’ house": a closer look at the closet. i can't do the summary justice but know it made me cry a little. completed

the ghost of you: shane and ilya reunite 7 years after the tuna-melt debacle, as shane's divorce with rose is being processed. completed

the one hand rim-rocker: "Ilya Rozanov gets fisted". like the bottom!ilya thesis to me, and the sequel hits just as hard–so so hot. if you don't like no one's forcing you to read, i don't want to hear it! completed

Countdown to Connect: post. breakup with ilya and being outed, shane finds his footing after being traded to the centaurs. told through wyatt's pov with illuminating shane pov sequel. completed, sequel wip

when there's nothing left to burn: "In which Scott Hunter accepts a trade to Montreal, just as Shane Hollander is named captain." love the shane&scott dynamic here, and how beautifully grounded in montreal this work is. #bringcanadianaintoficmore2026. perhaps more scott-focused than the avg person scrolling my blog is into though just a heads up. wip

when you leave here: shane grapples with his juniors hockey experience in the wake of a former teammate opening up to the media. very we breed lions inspired. completed

falling into you: shane stays through the tuna-melt-debacle and he and ilya collapse into schrödingers boyfriends in the following months. completed ha collapse get it (yes ik its the other way around)

Lookout Kid: "Ilya inherits a surly grief-stricken nine year-old and has to figure out how to fit him into their lives." gorgeous and so real and hard as real things are. wip

Empty Net Goal: shortly after tuna-melt, a woman serves shane seeking "unspecified damages after the establishment of paternity". but–it's not what you think. great premise and i love the ecosystem around shane depicted here. wip

something in the movies: "Post-cottage. Shane gets into an disagreement with his mom."character study, completed

paper lanterns, one after another: "It occurs to Ilya that he doesn't belong here. But then, this is a necessary migration.", completed

good bones: "Yuna thinks that if her baby could talk, he would have a lot to tell her. Perhaps he already has opinions on her parenting." , shane growing up through yuna's eyes, completed

there are like millions more that i will add once i remember them

updated: 5/26/2026

[wine-dark-sky]

GENO RESIGNED!!!!! KYLE YOU GET TO LIVE ANOTHER YEAR

🎉🐧🎉🐧🎉

https://www.nhl.com/penguins/video/malkin-re-signs-6396672819112

[wine-dark-sky]

Martin. I have a new Habs training plan proposal for you.

[wine-dark-sky]

I'm so sorry Marie-Philip Poulin....

[wine-dark-sky]

Give Jakub Dobeš a gun and let him chase his teammates around the ice jfc....

[wine-dark-sky]

In his ongoing mission to collect all the Hockey Queers and put them in a groupchat, Ilya Rozanov now faces his greatest challenge yet: figuring out what the hell is happening in Edmonton, Alberta.

[wine-dark-sky]

Shane is absolutely no help in this regard because the Pikes did in fact invite Shane to their honeymoon but he had a Rolex shoot so he couldn't go :/

Shane: idk it just never came up and it was like a friend thing, they could be doing the same

Ilya: ?????

Jackie: lol no it was definitely a 'trying for a third' thing but Shane didn't seem interested ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Shane: what.

Ilya: !!!SEE!!!! Now do you have the German one's number

[wine-dark-sky]

In his ongoing mission to collect all the Hockey Queers and put them in a groupchat, Ilya Rozanov now faces his greatest challenge yet: figuring out what the hell is happening in Edmonton, Alberta.

[mythmagicetc]

if your mutuals are watching a hockey game you will NOT be told:

who is winning

the score

what goalie interference is

you WILL be told:

everyone involved needs to die

sidney crosby is older and more beautiful

[penandinkprincess]

i do love and respect the idea of the world at large being stunned at finding out how long ilya and shane have been together, but i truly think that under NO circumstances would shane ever choose to offer ANY personal details about himself or their relationship willingly.

which combined with ilya loving just making things up and saying them (as seen in the "yes, the rumors are true-" scene) offers the very funny idea that ilya actively tries to offer as much privacy as possible by just throwing out stories about them at random so there IS no central story for people to hound shane about.

assorted backstories a la "ilya just started talking and found out with everyone else where he was going with this":

they got snowed in at all stars one year (b-but wasn't that year in florida?) and decided there was nothing better to do

it started as a bit and neither is willing to give up first

they paired off to combine forces like nato

they paired off to limit how many kids they could have in the future to make sure hockey stayed fair

ilya lost a bet six years ago

shane lost a bet three years ago

ilya got tired of remembering phone numbers for his hookups and shane's is easy

ilya got tired of having to look things up in english and french when talking to other people and decide to marry someone who speaks two languages to save time

shane is gifted enough (wink wink wink) that other people are cowards and only ilya was brave enough to rise to the challenge (this one gets him in trouble on the phone later but it also gets him laid that night at home and also confuses the online speculation about who tops and bottoms, so net positive tbh)

yuna hollander is the best manager in the business and a political marriage was the best way to secure her services longterm

with the end result that all shane has to do is shrug and "my husband has already told our story a thousand times by this point. no point in repeating it and boring people." in interviews to get out of people trying to dig into things he doesn't want to tell them.

[penandinkprincess]

the reporter obviously knows he's not serious (...mostly) but plays along with "what kids?" and ilya just ☝️ as he pulls out his phone and starts looking through, and everyone is like "surely not...bUT WHAT IF", and then he goes "ah! here", and holds out his phone

and it's a picture of anya and luca haas

and ilya just "thirteen hours of labor, but worth every minute, yes?" as he puts his phone back looking SO fucking pleased with himself because he really at least 33% had them for a second

[wine-dark-sky]

Ilya starts rattling off movie plots to see how far along he can get before someone calls him on it, he's very fond of romcoms (he tries to use Pretty Woman twice despite his millionare salary being public knowledge his entire career) and also cold war era spy films (in the good old days Shane would have received a medal for managing to seduce him into defecting! they should put him in a nice suit and hold a ceremony really)

[wine-dark-sky]

I have approximately 5 thousand scenarios about Ilya’s unnamed 10 seconds of screetime niece rattling around my head at all times. she's a snowboarder at the 2026 winter olympics. she's being drafted to the PWHL. she's going to university in Canada. she's going to university in Boston. she shows up randomly to a Centaurs game. she's got a hockey stan account that constantly interacts with Ilya’s secret stan account. she killed her parents in a ploy to go live with Ilya. I'm being haunted by the ghost of a barely conceptualised, passing reference of a girl.

and her name is Viktoriya to me :)

[wine-dark-sky]

Ilya watches Shane use a power tool to do some minor repair work and is immediately so overcome with lust he feels a little faint. Shane catches Ilya's eye and gives a little rev rev of the drill with a smile and Ilya almost passes out from all the blood rushing to his dick.

[smokingrozanov]

Cliff: Hollanderrrr!!!! U tryna get a handie 2nite?

Shane: Hi Cliff, I know this is how you and Ilya communicate plans but please just text me normally. Yes I will be coming to the bar with you and Ilya tonight.