Wanted to post these drawings separately bc i really like them
Oh tf!water, how I will miss you
Seriously though this character means a lot to me. First of all, just seeing a very masculine character played by someone with a feminine voice made me really happy. On top of that, it was a really angsty character with a lot of problems. I got really invested in trying to understand tf!water as a character completely w/ really excessive amounts of notes and observations + the deepest analysis I was capable of. It is so interesting to me how a lot of tf!water’s misery is a direct result of their own actions. Their viewpoint of the world is a self-fulfilling prophecy, they don’t even realize they are often the one keeping it that way.
And i recognized a lot of their behaviors and mindsets, middle school/high school me was very very similar. It helped to be able to analyze those behaviors from an outside perspective and so clearly see the flawed logic.
I just. Idk. I really really love tf!water, it may be a while before I find another character like them. And it sucks that their story was so heavily tied to two shitty people. He didn’t get the resolution he deserved because of that.
I’m still going back and forth if I will continue with tfsmp. On one hand, it’s hard to engage with it without being reminded of a&m and feeling icky, or being reminded of tf!water and feeling sad. But on the other hand, my hyperfixation still isn’t fully gone. And I tried blocking all tfsmp-related tags, but without a shiny new fandom to replace it, my tumblr felt so empty and lonely. Even if I don’t continue to be part of the fandom, it’s just nice to lurk and see other people getting excited and having fun.
Sending love to everyone who has an Avid and/or Marm-based wip, whether fanfic or fanart, especially if it’s something like a longfic that you’ve been working on for a while.
Sending love to everyone who has a fanwork ready to post, and are now unsure of whether they want to.
Sending love to everyone who has already published a fanwork or post that they’re not sure if they want to delete.
Sending love to the moderators of confession blogs.
Sending love to everyone with rp blogs of Avid and Marm’s characters.
Sending love to everyone currently deeply hyperfixating on one of Avid or Marm’s characters.
Sending love to everyone with Avid or Marm fictives.
This is a very distressing time, and we all have some big decisions to make, but you don’t have to make it alone. We’re a community. Love and hugs all around.
Tf!water animatic. Song is Dandelion - Last Apollo (PLEAAASE GO CHECK IT OUT THE ARTIST IS SEVERELY UNDERRATED!!)
Most of this is very rough, it was NEVER meant to be seen in this state but I’m abandoning it completely (my reasons for doing so have NOTHING to do with cc!water, it’s just that my fixation on tf!water was very much tied to bloodrain, and by extension, tf!avid)
I’ve seen other people deleting their work related to avid, or deciding to not make more. I don’t think there’s a wrong way to go about it. Sharing the things I’ve created helps me let go and move on, which is why I’m posting all of this.
Everything under the cut. In addition to all this art, I have a bloodrain playlist, as well as a short bloodrain edit and a very rough tf!water animatic i will be posting separately. More of my thoughts and plans also under the cut, I just wanted to get them off my chest
General thoughts
Avidmc was the reason I ever fixated on vampires in the first place, I would not have even bothered with bannerfall or the flight if it were not for them. I had a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed being in all of these fandoms. I loved tf!avid and v!avid a lot and cc!avid can’t change that.
Depending on how things go with the flight and tf!water in-canon after all this, I may continue to fixate on tf!water, but probably not. If cc!water does continue on the flight it will be a version of tf!water who has just lost the two most important people in the world to him, and I don’t think I want to see the consequences of that!
I had a lot of fun with bloodrain and aviscott, this whole time I’ve been using them to try to figure out how I can let myself hyperfixate on fiction without it completely taking over my life and making me miserable. I actually made a lot of progress with that experiment, and learned that constantly creating fanart, fanfic, and anything else helps immensely. I was planning to go back to aviscott and vsmp at some point to try again with that fixation but uh…that probably won’t happen now.
I may take a break from art in general, just because I don’t really feel like it rn. bloodrain was what was driving me to create.
I’ll probably avoid also any media for now that I would risk hyperfixating on, and I might even leave mcyt fandom altogether. I actively did not want to be in any mcyt fandom before aviscott dragged me into it against my will. As far as I can tell, this kind of drama just. Keeps. Happening. I’m not sure if I want to risk trusting another cc in case it happens again.
I may go to a different fandom, probably Houseki no kuni if I do. I’m not sure. Theres also a low but nonzero chance I’ll start making gtarp fanart (Probably Leo Escobar or chase rp LSPD, as spaceboy is a comfort streamer for me rn and is playing chief of police). I might continue with tfsmp, just following different characters? But it’s a bit of a hassle to fixate on a livestream-based smp. There’s a good chance I will at least watch pantheons, and I might be in the fandom for it. Crossing my fingers for more compelling yaoi storylines because that is the kind of thing my brain latches onto.
Either way, i will be back on this blog closer to artfight!!!! I am very very excited for artfight.
Art & animatic wips
V!avid & aviscott sketches
A very old vsmp aviscott wip I didn’t want to post bc I hated the expressions 😭 i still think it’s pretty though. Was based on an idea for a fic that atp will never be written. It’s hard to tell but Scott is wiping blood off of Avid’s face
An rough draft for a vsmp aviscott animatic. Song is Snakes by Sorry
Tfsmp sketches
Tf!avid drawing. I am still so happy with my linework on the boots, I wish I got to finish this. Honestly, at this point I might as well make a new character so I can reuse that linework
BIG Houseki no kuni/land of the lustrous manga spoilers below!
Some sketches for a hnk au with bloodrain as cinnaphos. Some of the conversation on the bridge in the stream when avid was corrupted reminded me of a cinnaphos conversation from one of the later chapters. And then a bf!avid as an Admirabilis. Here’s some ramblings from my notes about this:
Water and cinnabar are very similar characters. Water feels cursed with their water magic, cinnabar feels cursed with their mercury. If it so much as touches anyone else it will permanently damage them, and it kills all plants and wildlife. They can control it, but not enough to feel safe around others. So they self isolate in a dark cave on the coast, far away from the school.
Both self isolate, are vaguely suicidal, both have an idea in their head that they are meant to be alone and self-sabotage any potential friendships. When someone tries to be their friend, they give them zero grace to make mistakes and take any excuse to push them away.
Avid and Phos both have good intentions but don’t go about it the best way. Later in the manga, phos has been beaten down and discarded so harshly they let go of their love for the world and take revenge. I noticed the similarities between this version of them and corrupted!avid, they will say whatever they can to cause pain to the people that wronged them….avid tried to prey on water’s loneliness, which immediately reminded me of this scene with cinnabar.
Also phos and avid both had someone they were close to who was violently ripped away from them due to circumstances that they readily blame themselves for, and this experience completely alters their view of the world and changes them as a character.
Also also phos at one point tried to convince cinnabar to run away with them to the moon, which they refused. Similar to avid day 1 wanting to run away with water, and water refusing to leave because of marm.
I am sure the overlap between these two fandoms is just me but. I’m having fun. ( 🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀Ooo you want to watch/read hnk so bad 🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀🌀it’s absolutely gorgeous and tragic and changed my life 🌀🌀🌀🌀you want to read the manga so bad 🌀🌀🌀)
And then just some more thoughts:
- i really really wanted to do this audio with bloodrain 😭 i still think it would be really funny. (Anyone who’s better at separating art from the artist and wants to keep making stuff you are more than welcome to steal the idea)
- I believe in peace by shayfer James and Kate Douglas fits tf!marm very well
- Hide by rainbow kitten surprise is a song about accepting being gay that SO fits tf!avid:
- I was also working on some fanfiction for bloodrain, i miggghhht take some parts of my draft and share them but that would probably be either in a separate post or a reblog of this one
Bernard has done nothing wrong, so he does not get the purple box of shame. Ramblings of those who did do wrong below.
I am angry and hurt, and I was a big fan of Avid. I am so, so sad. I loved their characters, I loved their music, I loved their shenanigans. I loved the bedtime stories he’d tell us on Monday nights.
I had assumed the worst about Scott when Avid and Marm started talking about Yaoi Slop. I began to question Legs, Drift, Pyro, and Shelby’s character when I saw them hanging around Scott. These were people I LOVED, and still do. They make incredible stories and characters, and never deserved my doubt.
I hated myself for a WHILE for not recognizing how Avid was uncomfortable with flirting, even though they initiated it in VSMP. I chalked it up to poor communication of boundaries (on Avid’s part) being received VERY poorly by Scott. I found Avid’s constant talk about misogyny so draining at times that I legitimately was told by my therapist to watch anime to take a step back from a parasocial relationship that was causing me harm. Marm seemed to really enjoy the thesis they were writing on gender, and Avid seemed to love talking about how much they were hurt by misogyny. I still think they made valid points, but looking back on it now it was very inflammatory and caused a lot of finger pointing.
A lot of other fans probably felt the same, I know, but this is still such an odd form of grief. Avid was my first comfort streamer- directly from my first mcyt obsession ever, vsmp. I still have so much love for what they created, and will miss Monday night streams, the crease in their face when they laughed, the little voices they have… as a person studying finance I’m also going to miss hearing about the finance and tech world from someone who gets it in the mcyt space. It was a special place for me.
But for those of us who feel this way, I want to highlight what Doovid said.
I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do with my animatic. I have to think some more.
Hugs to all affected by this, especially to those who had non-parasocial relationships. You have all my support, and I am so sorry for your loss and pain.
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