I’m not really sure how many of my followers actually really keep an eye on this blog - I never initially created it for followers, more for preserving my own memories. But if any of you do, you may have noticed that over the last few months this blog has been pretty quiet. I didn’t feel like I could write about the reason for that for quite a while, but lately I’ve found that writing helps. Quite a lot.
My Nan spent just over a month in hospital before being diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and died with my Mum and I by her side on the 7th December 2016. It was a Wednesday. And it broke my heart. Any of you that do follow this blog may have noticed that I used to talk about my Nan an awful lot; I was always going round to see her for coffee (which usually went alongside gossip, ranting and some very good advice), going on shopping trips and phoning her (not just when I needed something; in fact, more often than not, I just missed her and wanted a chat). My Nan was not just my Nan, she was my best friend. We were always on the same wavelength; even if everyone else in the world told me I was being stupid about something, my Nan would listen, and she would get it; our brains just seemed to work the same way. I am so glad that she got to celebrate my 21st birthday with me and see me graduate in 2016, and for all the many smaller but no less special times we shared. But I am also heartbroken at the thought that she will not be at my wedding (she would have cried), or hold my children the way she held me, or see me graduate from my masters degree. I hate to think of all the things she will miss, and words can’t describe how much I miss her. For the first time in my life I am facing a birthday at the end of this week without my 8am phone call from Nan where she would sing happy birthday, and this is also probably the first time in my life when I have actively dreaded my birthday, because I don’t know how I can cope without her being there. I miss her.People say it gets easier, and I hope they’re right, because right now there is a part of me that still doesn’t really believe it’s real. There is a huge gaping hole and nothing I do is ever going to fill it up, because it’s the space she left behind.
It may get easier, but I will never stop missing her. She will always leave a hole in my life, because she was such a huge part of my life. I love her, I will always love her, and I will never forget.
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