the wisdom in fumbling

[constantlyfalling]

color shifting

[wisdominfumbling]

Secrets are like a callous in your heart, tell enough of them and you won´t feel a thing

[wisdominfumbling]

Can love blind you from personal achievements?

yes, be careful. that would be my short answer. Every time I write here I think my sister will eventually read this and take my advice, well i like to think this can be considered advice.

Im currently in a serious relashionship. Actually my first real serious relationship so everything is new to me, meeting the parents, hanging out with their family, sleepovers, introducing my parents and family, going on dates, movie nights, going to each others houses, the normal and ussual stuff.

A couple months ago, when I realized I was head over heels, cloud 9, completely enamoured by this man, I could only begin to wonder what was gonna be of me since i have never felt this way before, I know myself and I also Immediately knew that I was going to leave people and hobbies behind because when I love, I love really hard and I give my everything to that person, I am sure and happy to devote my whole life to my man, my boyfriend, mostly because I believe in him and I want him to be the man I build my future with, I want everything with him. Now I also know this is not entiretly good because even tho it feels like it, we are not one single person, we are individuals with lifes of our own, I must keep my hobbies and my separete friendships, this is also why im returning to the blog and writting this entry.

It is extremetly important in a relationship to spend some time apart, not a lot of time apart but some. Doing things alone for a couple hours a day, a couple days a week, of course it is easier when you dont live together and you live a little far, my boyfriend lives approximately 35 minutes away from my house, and we have different college scheadules, so we have plenty of alone time, we do text throught most of the day and some nights we call each other, i do miss him terribly if it were for me i would live with him, but i know now its not the time and we just have to wait for our time to come (i hope its soon) but for now, we just have to be patient.

Another example is that even tho we have kind of the same friend group for going out, we do go out separatly some times, a couple weeks ago he went out with just the boys, was i okay with that? fuck no. i hated every second, my guy friends are basically sluts, they are always looking for girls and one of them is known for being a cheater, he had a lovely girlfriend and would cheat on her for years, hes disgusting. so how am i gonna be okay with my boyfriend going out with those guys? i like them, they are also my friends but it changes when my man is there. I would never say anything tho, mostly because i trust my boyfriend and i believe in him when he says he loves me and cares about our relationship, but god i could not sleep all night, anyway we can talk more about that subject on another blog, i have more stories.

[roseforviolet]

[wisdominfumbling]

FR

[daily-spooky]

[wisdominfumbling]

What does my ideal day looks like?

9am on a spring day, my boyfriend is cuddling me, Im warm I can feel his skin touching mine, his breathing close to my neck, we wake up very softly he makes me breakfast and we start getting ready to go out, he´s driving his car while Im stroking his hair and his hand is on my thigh, we arrive at my favorite beach on a beautiful sunny day, he is happy because Im happy so im even happier, we play in the sand and take pics, walk a lot and go to the little stands on the beach fair, I get a seashell braid and then we go eat lunch, we are just enjoying our company and the day, then we come back to his house, take a shower and he blowdries my hair until I get sleepy and we put on a movie cuddling until I fall asleep in his chest.

[wisdominfumbling]

speak positive words into your life every single morning. Think big. Think healing. Think success. Think peace. Think happiness. Think growth mindset. Always start the day with positive energy.

[wisdominfumbling]

The ozempic epidemic

Ozempic won´t work long term or even as soon as they stop using because weight loss is all mental.

95% will start gaining weight back almost immediately.

5% will gain will power from the happiness of having lost the weight to continue to keep it off.

Like all things in life nothing good is free and nothing good comes easy. Its the same statistics and worse probably than weight loss surgery.

[wisdominfumbling]

[wisdominfumbling]

I carry all versions of me at all times and they interwine beautifully and create me as a harmoniuous being. I am not my skin and bones, I am just my experiences and inner work.

People think medidation and mindfulness is this beautiful la la land and it is sometimes, but it is hard too. Showing up is hard, sitting down with pain is hard, facing all parts of yourself is hard. Guilt, shame..

But honestly the freedom is anchored in dicipline and then density resolves. Rebirth begins and you can rise to your potential. Who are you beneath your pain?

[wisdominfumbling]

Beauty filters.. and my issue with them.

Do not get me wrong, I love filters, Im a consumer on instagram and tiktok but what is my problem with them?

Im not gonna talk about the sunset, tanned filters or the black and white ones or the kind that adds words, dates, time. Im talking about beauty filters.

I remember when I used my first filter on snapchat, the dog filter, the flower crown filter, the big eyes puking rainbow filter and they were all okay, fun to use with friends, feeling like king kylie. Until instagram added stories and with that came filters, they changed my life in a way that was not so body possitive, specially during the pandemic I remember using the craziest deforming face filters, huge lips, tiniest nose, slimmest face ever and when I saw myself on the mirror after I thought I was the fattest cow ever. It harmed me to the point where i couldn´t even talk with guys without feeling ugly, I was just extremedely insecure about my face so obviously for a good amount of time every picture I took had a filter on.

I didn´t realized how damaging beauty filters were until I stopped using them. I was so insecure to look at my face without a blurring filter and now i see how sad it is that is. Everyone has pores, redness, blackheads, dark spots, scars, fine lines, wrinkles, pimples and texture. These are now flaws but something normal and should not be hidden, I still have days where im more insecure and I feel like I need them a little but stopping using them has helped me with my self confidence and self steem.

[wisdominfumbling]

The importance of listening to your body.

Have you ever just looked in the mirror and you cant really point out exclactly what is it that makes you feel off?

Then the next step is realizing is not just one thing and its a couple.

Then you realize you're bloated (or fat), your hair is dry and ugly and suddently your pores grew times two! It makes me furious but i never had a real answer to it, I just always do what a true good woman would do.. blame everyting on my period.

But my girlies I have been wrong. Truth is, my body has been rejecting certain situations, stress related. My ex to be precise. Oh I would have never imagined that but it is true, specially with my last one.

It all started when I would see him sporadically at hangouts, all good and then the next day I would wake up with a new pimple or dry patches, weird but I never thought anything of it, i would just say it was the effect of a bad sleep night or the alcohol. But later on, when we started going out on dates and making out.. I started noticing it more and more, but I was also going through a thing with my dad so I let myself believe it was cause of my daddy. Turns out I moved out from my dads house and my pimples and now super dry patches were still up and running. But I still thought noting of it, I always tell myself that if I stress more because of things like that, the more theyre gonna appear on my face.

After the whole mess happened (im explaining it on a different entry) and there was no stress (or so i thought) my skin started to get better, every day I had less and less pimples and dry patches. But it was my mommy that brought it up and it made a whole lot of sense.

The issue is that to this day I still stress and worry about it so my skin has not been able to re incorporate to the usual program, I believe as soon as I get 100% over it, my skin will be beautiful again. Im working on it so just wait until the end of May.

[wisdominfumbling]

Dealing with divorced parents

This subject is no joke to me, being a child of divorce has got to be one of the hardest things ever, it really gives you perspective and you learn stuff that other kids wouldnt know until they go to summer camp like packing your whole life into a medium sized bag.

From my experience as a child it was not bad, definitely weird and uncomfortable but not completely bad. I think it got worse as soon as I became a teenager and tuned into a bitch, now that im an adult I can admit that I was complicated, specially when it came to my relationship with my dad, I could be more than a handfull but on my side of the story, he´s a complicated person too, so it wasnt as easy as you would imagine, at the end i just had to learn how to read him correctly and figure out when to act wild and when to play by the book. Now that im 22, our relationship is definately better, we still argue but not as bad.

But there is a side on having divorced parents I had personally never experienced until I realized that it was my little sister´s version of divorced parents. A bad divorce.

The way you divorce your partner can mean everything when it comes to the kids. it is never easy but you can definately try to make the situation easier and more amicable, well this is not the part. My dad´s divorce with his ex wife was bad. He kinda ended up cheating so she will take the divorce, my uncle had just passed, I was acting complicated and he was developing and growing his own business (not easy at all).

Im not gonna lie, my dad is way different now than how he was in his late 20s early 30s, hes a better father now, even he recognizes it, so my sister is growing with the good part, im happy for her. But everything cant be perfect, if you have a good dad you gotta have a shitty mom and if you have a shitty dad you gotta have a good mom, well now you know which one she got. I know its been hard for her cause she has to kinda take a side at the end of the day and i know for a fact that she has to lie to each parent and you see them suffer in different ways, sometimes one more than the other. Or so you think, I always thought my mom had it worst cause she had to stay with me, care for me daily and handle my mess; But it was not until I moved in with my dad and started talking more in depth with him that I realized that he also suffered a lot from not living with me, there are things that he never got to experience with me, like driving me to school everyday and picking me up, having my friends over, waking up at night cause I had a fever or a nightmare, school prep the night before, doctor´s appointment, driving me to my friends houses, waking up at 4 am to pick me up from a party, etc.. And I know he hurts from that, fuck it, I hurt too he´s my dad.

And then there´s the part where you start blaming people, the mom, the dad, grandparents, relatives, bad friendship advice, myself just so you can justify in a way that the relationship between them didn´t work out. But its nobody´s fault, with time you end up realizing that it just didnt work out and at the end of the day it was for the better.

I have never liked having divorced parents but it happened and that is my life. I am destined to have two houses that would never completely feel like home, to have my life scattered in places, to explain that your parents are divorced after meeting someone new, to make one of your parents feel bad when you "pick" the other one to do something, to deal with steps and having to accept them even if you dont like them because they make your parents happy and you dont want to see them lonely. Definately not an easy task as a daughter, if im honest i think I got my fist grey hair cause of all of this, but if you´re reading this and you´re wondering.. yes I till believe in love and happy ever after, maybe I can tell you about it another time.

[wisdominfumbling]

Taking accountability over actions.

My parents have always told me life is all about making desitions and hopefully making the right ones.. Now my dad specifically tells me that more importantly life is about making the wrong ones and learning from that. Learning from the pain, the suffering, the shame, the loneliness, the anxiety and so much more. At frist I didn´t understand when he would say that

¿Why would my own father want me experiencing those feelings?

Later on in life I have found the answer, cause he loves me and he wants me to be happy and life a full life, be a complete woman and in order for me to be that I have to have awful days and weeks, hopefully not months and years but you never know. Now I thought I knew what heartache felt like, a breakup, love related feelings but the truth is I have never been in love, never felt true relationship like love, out of my mind Romeo and Juliet love. I know guys have I´ve been with have felt that for me but I have never been able to reciprocate. ¿Why? I have a short (but still important) list of reasons:

Im immature, somehow I still believe in the perfect guy. tall, handsome (not pretty), smart, loyal, funny, pro family, respectful, athelic, good in bed, manly. And I blame my dad for that, he has always shown me that I deserve the world and the best and that everyone is replaceable and when someone doesn´t fit into one of those requirements I should leave. now the problem is that it really shouldn´t be like that. Im not telling you to settle for something lower but I am saying that some things can be fixed and you should focus on the core of the person. most important is that they have to be loyal, tall, pro family, have a job and respectful. the rest can be altered, I can style him better, cut his hair different, send him to the gym, show him tricks in bed. not so important things but the core should be top requirements for a boyfriend.

I only know how to obsess with guys, dont know how to love them.

Im scared of commitment, Im terrified of telling them everything and then im this vulnerable person and they´ll maybe do the same to me.

Im insecure, physically. im always gonna be comparing to other women specially the cute, thin, blonde ones. I always find them more feminine, prettier.

If there are more reasons.. i forgot them.

The point is, due to those reasons im not able to be in a relationship only situationships work until they start getting serious and i dip or do something to fuck everything up. And thats exactly what i did, if i can give you good and simple advice.. DO NOT DATE YOUR FRIENDS FRIENDS.. EVER. yes it can go really well but it also can go REALLY bad. and you dont want to go there, im telling you.

I was going out with my boy bestfriend´s friend, all good, he had more interest in me than i had in him, he asked me out we went out a couple times on dates, i stayed over at his house, all good (kinda, im not gonna get into the werid stuff that pulled me away) but even after i posted him on my story and people saw us out and about, i still got some dms of guys i used to talk to (and fuck) wanting to see me and stuff. This specific guy im kinda obsessing with dmed me and we talked. my situationship saw and yeah. so basically im a cheater, i fucked up and its been like a month and a half and i still cant get over it. i have so much guilt evenm tho my friends forgave me ? and told me i had nothing to worry about i still worry. i feel bad. i saw this great guy that cared for me, crying in his bed, asking me again and again why did i do it and i just didnt have a good honest answer to give him cause honestly i would end up causing more damage.

A month and a half and already fucked another person, I have been on a couple dates but i just cant seem to replace him yet. which is funny cause when we were a thing it seemed pretty easy to replace him. im also lazy cause if i wanted to be with the guy im obsessing with i could just take the metro and be there in a hour. maybe i feel guilty about seeing him too. fuck i feel guilty about seeing my friends too. i have only told three friends, my bestie that i called him the same day it happened and he helped me out a little but hes a guy so he didnt get it as much, my other guy friend and he was sweeter and told me to not worry and that everyone fucks up at a certain time but as long as i knew that it was wrong it was okay and that he had done much worse, and my other friend shes a girl so she understood better and was very sweet about it, i think they´re being sweet with me is because im the youngest and they can see the shame and the regret in my face everytime they see me.

I know that i shouldve been more straightforward and direct and just told him that i could not give him a relationship at the moment but i just didnt wanna lose on any side. i wanted to have him while having another other and not having any kind of limitation or whatever. I understand thats not how life works but sometimes i fool myself into believing that the universe loves me so mcuh that i get this "im gonna look the other way" treatment. i hope i can feel better now and start moving on with my life, i cannot be stuck on this for any longer. i know he is not stuck and i also know that we will see each other eventually and i want him to see me normal, even if i was the one that fucked up i dont want him to see me that affected.

[wisdominfumbling]

Nothing is a waste of time.

Throughout my whole life having friends has been an easy task to acomplish, I don´t think my parents were ever worried about me not making any friends at school, parks or any other social activity.

I remember being a child and playing with lots of kids at the park but as soon as I went to my parents side and they asked me about them i would completely forget about my new friends, no name, no age, no gender. I just could not retain that information which is not bad at all if you´re a kid. But to that and to being able to make friends easy i believe I never stressed about keeping and mainteining the friendship since I could always make new friends. (my dad alwasy told me that i should never stress about that, not with friends and even more with boyfriends, he says we are all replasable).

As I was growing up I had two very close friends, I won´t be saying names but we will call them A and B. I first met A when I was about 4/5 at kindergarden and then I met B technically in 1st grade but we started talking in 7th grade, I introduced B to A and then we were ABC, the trio. But as time went by I realized that A and B were getting closer and closer and I was being slowly pushed away, Okay maybe Im imagining things.. thats what my mom told me. I wasn´t.

To make long story short, A and B became besties and left me aside, and I could not tell you how much that hurt, suddenly i was alone doing homework and groupwork, I was never invited to the movies, to eat, to just hangout. A couple years ago and many discussions with them later I decided to leave them. Im better off alone, but I knew it was gonna be hard to not have anyone that knew me, that i could tell anything.

With time and maturing i have found friends that are actually worth it, but im always scared to be left alone again (it hasnt happened, they always include me) I dont know where im getting this with but im just trying to say that sometimes youre with people that are not the right fit for you and then you actually find your people, but i wouldnt want you to think that being friends with them in the first place was a waste of time, nothing is a waste of time.

All of those memories and experiences are what made you the person you are today, same thing goes with relationships, you met that person for a reason, good or bad it doesnt matter but it help you grow as a person. I do not regret all those years of friendship and the bad moments i lived with A and B, at the end of the day they help me recognize what qualities I want and dont want in future friendships. and thanks to that now i have amazing friends that actually care about me and that if i ever need help i know they will be there for me, even some exes would too.

Thats why i always say that you should love deeply, feel everything deeply. thats how you know youre alive and enjoying life. Aging is a blessing that many don´t get to experience.

[wisdominfumbling]

Continue to love, continue to forgive, continue to grow.

Hi guys, I want to talk about something that relates to the title.

It is not about a relationship if thats what you´re thinking, It´s more of a family matter, I have divorced parents, well separated since they were never married in the first place. I don´t have any memory of them being together, but It was a recurrent thought during my teenage years what my life would´ve been life if they had stayed together even tho I know it would´ve been awful for everyone, arguing everyday, super unstable environment, cheating and more. It´s best for everyone that they are super far apart in life.

I was thinking on talking a little on my parents, what they´re life and stuff like that. My mom is in her early 40´s, smaller than me, brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, libra, really inteligent and dedicated, she cares a lot for others and always tries to be empathic, she´s a good listener too. Now on the bad things, she has a short temper and doesnt pay attention to things when shes focused, she´s a workaholic.

My dad is also in his early 40´s, way taller than me, brown eyes, brown hair and tanned skin, super athelic, taurus, super smart too with numbers, funny, adventurous, hopeless romantic. Now on the bad things, he has some narcissistic behaviour, manipulator, selfish, cheater, womanizer, rude, loves arguing and making you feel inferior, and so many more I don´t even want to get into that.

Now why am I talking about that? describing my parents..

Continue to love, continue to forgive, continue to grow.

That is why. For many years I was angry at them, until I became an adult and realized that being a parent is no easy task at all, that´s when i decided to forgive them and move on. But then after giving my dad another chance, a full on chance with all my heart and him fumbling it all I realized he´s not a good dad, far from perfect and decent but the funny thing is that I used to excuse him because of his childhood and having to raise a child at such a young age blah blah blah but this is a 41 year old man we are talking about. I could understand that kind of behaviour in your 20´s but fuck you´re 41 dude, grow the fuck up. you had a rough childhood? your parents didn´t love each other? you had a shitty big brother and a shitty big sister? you got your gf pregnant at 19? you had to take shitty jobs? well that´s too bad, cry about it and move the fuck on. His past experiences are no excuse to his curent behaviour with me, my sister and his whole family. After that, when the anger passed I realized that I still love him and that´s fine, after all he´s still my father and I have learned a lot of what i don´t want in life thank´s to him, so yes I still love him. Not the same way I love my mom of course, she has sacrifised way more to raise me than what he did.

But to get to the point, no matter what happens I continued to love him, continued to forgive him and that has allowed me to mentally grow in ways I never thought were possible for me.

And this can be applied to relationships with your boyfriend/girlfriend or friends or even your parents/relatives like I do.

[wisdominfumbling]

first entry.. introduction

It feels like im writting in my diary and just like that i never know how to start whenever i get a new one, I could start by introducing myself and talking more about me? I decided I will keep my identity as private as posible even tho Im still gonna put tags cause what if someone finds this and its actually entertained by it, also I can see someone doxing me in the future, or maybe not. I have no intentions on getting any public, so why am i writting on tumblr instead of just keeping my diary? i like the way the keyboard sounds with my red nails. you know, mob wife trend at the moment and also i have weak nails so i have to keep them red.

So keeping up with this, Im 22, living with my mom (yes, divorced parents) I have a younger brother under 10 yrs, and you see how I immediatetly start talking about people around me instead of me? so Im 22, long brunette hair not super long just average length, brown eyes and since its summer my skin is somewhat tanned. I like fashion but no I do not dress crazy, just clasic and some staple pieces, I also enjoy reading and watching dumb tv and series and sometimes I do watch some weird artsy foreign stuff on mubi that I wont immediatelty understand, I like painting but I rather waste time thinking on painting instead of actually doing it, I also do some sweing of my own, creating some pieces that will take me too long to finish even tho the first idea was just a simple diy. I could eat pasta every single day and love love love summer, I get depressed during winter.

I think im mostly gonna talk about love, friendships and family stuff, growing up and making mistakes and learning to live with those mistakes without actually wanting to kys.

I wish I had some cute fake name to end each entry.. I'll think about it, maybe i come up with something

JJR