I wrote a book...
If you like Douglas Adams and lgbtq+ alien patients at a weird and underfunded medical clinic, you might like my book of stories.
Or if you like hot cocoa. Whichever.
One: The Anamaluvian
Drs. Megazor and T-vex were in conference.
“Nobody has treated an Anamaluvian here in a decade. I don’t even know if we still have the necessary equipment” T-vex said, blinking his rear-eyes worriedly as he monitored the vital signs of the patient in the next room.
“I’m sure it’s around here somewhere,” Megazor replied, shrugging her prehensile tail. “One of the first things my predecessor, Marvin Verdigris. taught me was never to throw anything away. In our line of work you just don’t know what might come in handy later.”
“No wonder Supply looks like a rummage sale,” T-vex muttered to himself before turning to face his colleague. “But if you’re sure, let’s get somebody down there to do some digging. It may take hours and this lady doesn’t have as much time as we might need if it’s buried under ten years worth of stuffed orangumutan toys, shaman tupon claw necklaces, Vitrolean green crystals, and DVDs.”
“DVDs?” Dr. Megazor asked curiously.
“An ancient Earth artifact of all things. Apparently it was used to display the media that we need for the Anamaluvian’s treatment. Nurse Daaryen picked it up along with something called a player on one of her Time Tours.”
“Earth created something useful?” The Primerian physician nearly dropped the tiny electronic tablet she was studying. “I guess there really is a first time for everything. So who are we sending to retrieve the media?”
T-vex grinned with satisfaction. “I’ll put O'Connor on it.”
“So, that’s what we need. Can you identify it?”
O'Connor looked from one of the senior doctors to the other hesitantly. “Is this a real assignment or another one of Nurse Daaryen’s jokes like the Ghaandroks?”
It was a fair question. The inexperienced human had fallen for not one, not two, but seven of Daaryen’s pranks since he had joined the staff at the Clinic. It would have been eight, but Dr. Megazor had stopped his attempt to locate a vein– in a species that did not bleed.” Dr. T-vex hastily reassured the young intern.
“No, this is actually one hundred percent legitimate and very urgent. We really need to bring some order to Supply one of these days. Maybe we’ll make that a project for you during slow periods. But yes, Anamaluvians have a unique body chemistry and, without a donor here or a specialist, the quickest way to restore her to health is to activate her own immune response.’
T-vex continued. “Historically, the Anamaluvians evolved on a planet where conflict was very much a part of their daily life. And invasion bred disease. At one point 80% of the residents of a continent were wiped out. But the survivors had a very interesting adaptation. Time, however, is of the essence here. I’ll go over it with you while we walk.”
They headed toward the access portals and O'Connor effortlessly slipped into his pod, while Dr. T-vex cracked his spine uncomfortably. as he wedged his head and crest into a space that it was not quite designed to hold. The original builders of the Clinic had tried to take alien anatomy into account, but every now and then an oversight cropped up–like with seven foot tall avians.
It was fine, though. A little physical discomfort was nothing compared to the excitement of practicing medicine at the outer edges of the known galaxies…
They zipped in the direction of Supply, disembarked and headed toward the immense storage facility. “Essentially, Anamaluvians generate powerful antibodies in their systems when they are prepped to fight. What other species experience as adrenaline they experience as a healing influence on their systems. If the response is strong enough, it can cure anything except birth malformation or actual physical trauma. But septic wounds like the one our patient has respond very well to the treatment.”
“Okay, well, that makes sense. But then, shouldn’t we be trying to get someone to fight her? Instead of searching for some pre-Urluutian Union tech from Earth Prime? I’m from Earth Two and even we consider pre-Union Earth kind of a backwater.”
Dr. T-vex huffed. “That backwater planet gave us a lot of valuable medical plants. Of course, they didn’t realize what they had and kept destroying some of their most miraculous species to graze some giant mammal they called a ‘cow’--but that actually works to our benefit. Since they were going to be destroyed before their medicinal properties were discovered, we can harvest them and then propagate them in our greenhouse here without disrupting the original timeline. Best to skirt paradox when we can, you know.”
“Of course…” O’Connor trailed off weakly. His planet had only just been licensed for time travel and he still seemed to have a bit of a complex about it. He would need to get over that the next time a Wellsberion dropped by.
“In any case, one of the Clinic’s founders did quite a bit of work with Anamaluvians to see if he could cross-pollinate DNA and get other species to heal ourselves the same way the natives did. Ultimately, that proved unsuccessful, but he did discover that it is not just aggression that triggers their systems to respond in this way. It also occurs when they are in a heightened emotional state that comes from either terror or sexual arousal.”
O'Connor blinked. “So which are we doing here? Scaring her or, um,” he blushed a bright orange, which looked abominable against his plum colored clinic scrubs, “arousing her?”
“Terror would be an unkind thing to inflict upon a patient already in a great deal of pain, wouldn’t you think, intern?” Dr T-vex asked, sternly.
“Oh, um, yeah, er, that makes sense.” The orange deepened further until Dr. T-vex began to wonder if his intern would require medical attention for himself. Finally, he spoke again. “She’s kind of terrifying–”
“Relax, O’Connor, the ancient Earth media should generate the appropriate reaction without any personal assistance from you. Dr. Grogg Dismon termed it, and I do apologize for the vulgarity, the ‘fuck, fight, or flight’ response. I trust you will be able to identify the appropriate subject matter? And preferably catalog it so that it will be ready in the event another Anamaluvian requires similar treatment?”
“I’m not THAT innocent,” O'Connor grumbled. “I can find it. Those things can be kind of, um, individual, though. Especially for different species. Any idea what I should look for?”
Dr. T-vex studied his notes. “Yes, indeed. Per Dr. Dismon’s records, we should have the most success with something the ancient peoples of Earth referred to as ‘tentacle porn.’ If she were in better shape she could self-administer, but as it stands visual or auditory stimulation is preferable.”
Dr. T-vex looked up from his tablet after a few moments had passed with no response from O’Connor. The intern’s mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. “Shall I elucidate further? Apparently the notable elements consist of–”
Finally O’Connor squeaked. It sounded like a “no”, but T-vex couldn’t be certain. “I am more than happy to clarify for you—”
“Merciful Urluutian stars–NO!” O’Connor swore. “I will find it. I promise.” And he quickly fled the transport tube.
“Humanoids are so odd,” the seven foot tall feathered doctor pondered, before returning to the treatment area.
