Kalona

(pretending to be) writer. feminist. Mexican. new yorker. if you ever need to vent/ talk, message me. xo

[withlovesn]

I realized our love wasn't the same when you weren't the first thing to pop into my mind in the morning.

I stopped texting you ‘good morning’ as a result

[withlovesn]

In an alternate universe,

We are together.

In this universe,

I cannot have you.

And that’s okay.

I’m really not okay with it

[withlovesn]

My favorite song does not sound the same. The taste of chocolate is not sweet and the smell of coffee is only bitter. Sunsets meant canvases, but they only mean darkness nowadays. Your embrace was all I needed to feel safe but now it is not enough.  You see, there is this thing to emptiness that people do not understand. Emptiness might mean loneliness to you, but not for me. Emptiness is losing your sense of self and your passionate side.  It is losing yourself to the universe and not being able to get it back.

 empty

[withlovesn]

A year ago, everything was different . I wouldn’t have pictured myself like this , And now that I look back, I have realized that a year can do a lot to a person .

the things I’ve learned so far #2  (via withlovesn)

[withlovesn]

Your silhouette still haunts me at night. You are not a nightmare. You sit there and watch me, attentively. Your dark, soulless brown eyes are full of rage and anger. You are still there, and I can feel you. I can feel your disappointment. I can feel the tone of your scream, a cry of distress.  We parted ways nearly four years ago, but your silhouette stands right beside me. It reminds me of how vulnerable and lonely I was. It reminds me of a weaker version of myself. Whenever you appear, I worry that I might become the person I was four years ago. How miserable it felt to exist.  You are not there... Why can't I understand that?

cwp

[withlovesn]

I wish there was more I could say, I guess that’s how I lost you. You were never good with words, but you knew how to make me feel infinite. I guess that’s how I was too. Your heart warmed me up on frigid November days, and my hands guided you towards safety. When did you run out of warmth?  Why didn't I tell you I didn't feel warm anymore?

cold November days

[withlovesn]

I am unhappy. Plain and simple. I am not happy. And it makes me angry. I don't live a hard life, I work and go to class. I spend most of my days in a library, studying. I go home to a pair of arms stretching out.  I sleep next to the person I love, I feel their warmth and love. It's strong. I am not lonely but I feel alone, and that's the worst part. I feel disconnected from reality, I hang by a thread, and sometimes I pull it towards me. Sometimes I cut it off.  There's always been a void in my heart and I have never learned how to handle it.  Because of it, I have hurt people. I distanced myself because I was hurting, they reached out and I just... ignored them. "They're better off without me", is what I think. But I never stopped to think about the damage I had done to them. How I made them feel loved and safe and suddenly, stopped. I don't blame them for being angry at me, I would be too. But I'm too much of a coward to apologize for it because who would forgive a shitty person?

excerpts from a book I’ll never write #4

[withlovesn]

Daily Reminders

- you are enough

-you are worthy of love

-it’s okay not to feel okay

-everything is going to be okay

- you’re doing great, take one thing, one step at a time

-you are enough

[withlovesn]

I lost you, my furry little buddy. You were everything to me.  You shared your warmth when my heart was cold. You licked my tears away. You wagged your tail violently when you saw me.  My furry little buddy, although it has been a couple of days, it feels like eternity. You are now in a place where there are treats and trees in every corner. A place that allows you to roll around in grass and mud.  I know that you are happy to have had me, but, I am not happy that you left. My heart is healing after you left so suddenly. But I am content knowing you are in a better place. Benji, you will always be in my heart

to my 10 year old dog, Benji

[withlovesn]

at what point did I become so unhappy that not being happy felt normal?

[withlovesn]

I used to think tumblr was this place where like your blog had to be super serious and like I took it very seriously but now my heart is so tired and my head spins so I frankly don’t care anymore. 

I guess this is a journal. An electronic journal for my heavy heart. 

[withlovesn]

I’m tired of trying to be super poetic and mesmerizing, but my heart hurts a lot. Mostly because I am realizing that the 9 year old in me is fading. But that's growing up I guess. I'm nearly 20, and I miss the girl with the crooked smile. Growing up makes me sad.  I have to worry about what I'm doing with my life, I'm a junior in college and yet, I don't know what I'm doing. Am I doing the right thing? Am I going to be successful? Why does life have to be definitive? We're all trying to find a purpose in our lives and we have to do this from the age of 17 and 18? Do I look like I know what I'm doing?

an anxious college student

[withlovesn]

Hi.

Hi. I made this blog because I wanted to write and create. I wanted to write so people could feel less alone in this world. 

I have not written in a really long time. I keep a journal besides my bed every night, when my thoughts linger I take the pen and write. 

But, lately, I have been finding it really hard to write. It’s been super hard for me to grab a pen and write something my heart is saying. Frankly, because I have no words to describe how I feel. 

I also don’t write anymore because I see my older posts and I see that they got more reblogs/ likes/ comments than the ones I made more recently, and it makes me feel insecure about my writing.

But, I am forcing myself to write again, at least once a week. I promise I’ll do so this time. To my loyal followers, thank you for being here and sending me sweet messages. Know you’re not alone, we’re all stuck together.

with love xoxo

[withlovesn]

For him,  I have been thinking about you lately, and it makes me wonder, do you think about me too? I drove by that place. Our place. I was wearing that perfume you really liked-- it has been a couple of years.  That smell reminded me of summer. Those muggy nights we spent in your car. The warm embraces and wet kisses we exchanged. It reminded me of the laughs we had, the jokes. I remember how you used to hold my hand. Your raspy hands intertwined with my delicate, soft fingers. It makes me wonder if you're ever going to tell your children about me. Are you going to tell them about the girl who saw the sparkle in your eye?  The girl who loved so much but was afraid to show it. Will you tell them? Will you tell them about our love? Or will I be forgotten?

a letter to my first love

[withlovesn]

honestly guys, i’m trying so hard to write stuff again but I just can’t bring myself to do so anymore.  it feels like everything i do is a mistake. sorry for everyone who anticipate my posts but I simply cannot think of anything to write.

please bear with me. 

[withlovesn]

Darkness surrounds me. When I close my eyes, When I take a breath, I can feel the darkness entering my lungs. I can feel it in my brain, Swirling around, Making my head spin, And my thoughts, Sound like a scream. I used to be able to overcome it. Battling it like a warrior, With a shiny sword, And a heavy shield. All I have left is a broken soldier, Who dreams of overcoming its fear of darkness. I used to be a gladiator. Fighting thousands of lions, In my head. But all that is left, Is a tired gladiator, A tired warrior. Who wants to give up.

darkness is my kryptonite

[withlovesn]

I lie down every night, my head buzzes, like a thousand swarming bees, like all of your favorite songs jumbled up together, making one tune. My eyes are closed, but I'm not dreaming, or sleeping. I'm thinking about how much of a failure I am, how disappointed I am in myself. I can't help but shed a tear, because I never imagined this sort of lifestyle for myself. I lie down every night, and pray for a day where I am happy with myself. A day where I won't drown in my sorrows. I am hopeful,  I am optimistic. But nothing happens.

sleepless nights