Wizard Day Care

We will look after your kids while you're up to your neck in spell components. Cursed kids cost extra

[wizarddaycare]

Some of these kids are sooooooooooo yeetable. BUT I SHALL NOT YEET

[wizarddaycare]

Every now and then I have to ask myself: is this tiny wizard-child knee deep in an elaborate and involved session of "play pretend", or do we have another case of reincarnation here?

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop recruiting children as adventurers and then sending them on a quest to my tower to defeat me. It never ends well. The furthest any of them made it was my workshop. I’m tired of burying kids. Even I have a limit.

Where are you even getting these kids? Are you abducting them? Are they orphans? Did their parents agree to this? Half the time they can’t even stand up against an owlbear.

Stop using child soldiers. I use goblin kids as ammo, not soldiers. Both the kids and their parents are fine with it. They’re loyal.

[wizarddaycare]

We have a high turnover

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop sending them to certain death!

[wizarddaycare]

It's not intentional, sometimes they just escape and wander off while our backs are turned

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Then why are they on a quest????

[wizarddaycare]

Narrative imperative?

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Why are they all dead set on killing me?

[wizarddaycare]

That sounds like a you problem rather than a me problem 😉

[the-gnomish-bastard]

I’ll find your daycare and put baby trolls in there.

[wizarddaycare]

Just as long as you pay the fee, we'd be happy to look after them for you!

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop recruiting children as adventurers and then sending them on a quest to my tower to defeat me. It never ends well. The furthest any of them made it was my workshop. I’m tired of burying kids. Even I have a limit.

Where are you even getting these kids? Are you abducting them? Are they orphans? Did their parents agree to this? Half the time they can’t even stand up against an owlbear.

Stop using child soldiers. I use goblin kids as ammo, not soldiers. Both the kids and their parents are fine with it. They’re loyal.

[wizarddaycare]

We have a high turnover

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop sending them to certain death!

[wizarddaycare]

It's not intentional, sometimes they just escape and wander off while our backs are turned

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Then why are they on a quest????

[wizarddaycare]

Narrative imperative?

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Why are they all dead set on killing me?

[wizarddaycare]

That sounds like a you problem rather than a me problem 😉

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop recruiting children as adventurers and then sending them on a quest to my tower to defeat me. It never ends well. The furthest any of them made it was my workshop. I’m tired of burying kids. Even I have a limit.

Where are you even getting these kids? Are you abducting them? Are they orphans? Did their parents agree to this? Half the time they can’t even stand up against an owlbear.

Stop using child soldiers. I use goblin kids as ammo, not soldiers. Both the kids and their parents are fine with it. They’re loyal.

[wizarddaycare]

We have a high turnover

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop sending them to certain death!

[wizarddaycare]

It's not intentional, sometimes they just escape and wander off while our backs are turned

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Then why are they on a quest????

[wizarddaycare]

Narrative imperative?

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop recruiting children as adventurers and then sending them on a quest to my tower to defeat me. It never ends well. The furthest any of them made it was my workshop. I’m tired of burying kids. Even I have a limit.

Where are you even getting these kids? Are you abducting them? Are they orphans? Did their parents agree to this? Half the time they can’t even stand up against an owlbear.

Stop using child soldiers. I use goblin kids as ammo, not soldiers. Both the kids and their parents are fine with it. They’re loyal.

[wizarddaycare]

We have a high turnover

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop sending them to certain death!

[wizarddaycare]

It's not intentional, sometimes they just escape and wander off while our backs are turned

[meatgolemwizard]

my wretched and shambling beast timmy has once more devoured my entire stock of mercury, and and i am of half a mind to reduce him back to the bone and clay from which he came.

[wizarddaycare]

If you need a break, we can look after Timmy for you!

[the-gnomish-bastard]

Stop recruiting children as adventurers and then sending them on a quest to my tower to defeat me. It never ends well. The furthest any of them made it was my workshop. I’m tired of burying kids. Even I have a limit.

Where are you even getting these kids? Are you abducting them? Are they orphans? Did their parents agree to this? Half the time they can’t even stand up against an owlbear.

Stop using child soldiers. I use goblin kids as ammo, not soldiers. Both the kids and their parents are fine with it. They’re loyal.

[wizarddaycare]

We have a high turnover

[wizard-of-interesting-failure]

Following 73 spell matrix explosions and at least two inadvertently created magic dead zones, I think I will stop trying to devise a ritual to determine from a description of an arbitrary computer program and an input, whether the program will finish running, or continue to run forever.

[wizarddaycare]

Kids say the darnedest things

[vivisection-and-vampyrism]

I am the vivisection wizard

My main spells are vivisection and formaldehyde blast. I do magic orientated science. My staff is a bone scalpel

I'm also a vampire but we can ignore that for to focus on vivisection wizard matters

[wizarddaycare]

Do you do demonstrations for wizard children? They gotta learn some time

[vivisection-and-vampyrism]

Of course I don't mind. I love kids. I also believe in a hands on learning style, so the wizard children are more than welcome to help in any way they can.

First matter of business is putting our safety goggles and rubber gloves, then casting the protection spell safe from malpractice lawsuits. This prevents accidental harm to ourselves, instead if intentional harm to the subject we're vivisecting.

Once proper safety guidelines are in place, I'm going to be using my bone saw wizard staff to perform this spell on our subject. If any wizard children would like to help, they can use scalpel wizard staffs which are more size appropriate.

Psysically using the medical equipment wizard staffs to cut, slice, tear, or otherwise open our subject is not necessary but it can give a more thorough hands on approach to vivisection. To cast the curse of vivisection we all need to imagine the organs of our subject being torn from their body with surgical precision. Then we need to recite every bone in the body in reverse chronological order. The final step is to verbally define vivisection and declare our desire to break all laws regarding ethical treatment of human subjects. We can get creative with that part.

When our subject is fully vivisected I'll cast formaldehyde blast to seal his organs in jars full of formaldehyde.

Alright wizard kiddos, is everybody ready?

[wizarddaycare]

*over the sound of children shouting YAAAYY* Now now children, settle down, settle down! Remember: sharp objects means this is a Don't-Tell-Mommy activity. ZIFFANY! We do NOT throw organs at Xant! I don't care if he said you smell funny!

[tanzel]

the fae took the fucking kids. cant have shit.

[wizarddaycare]

Been there, such a pain

[vivisection-and-vampyrism]

I am the vivisection wizard

My main spells are vivisection and formaldehyde blast. I do magic orientated science. My staff is a bone scalpel

I'm also a vampire but we can ignore that for to focus on vivisection wizard matters

[wizarddaycare]

Do you do demonstrations for wizard children? They gotta learn some time

[wizarddaycare]

You thought I was missing but I was just buried under a large pile of children during nap time. It may look adorable but I'm pretty sure my ribs are broken

[wizarddaycare]

GOOD LITTLE WIZARD TODDLER OF THE WEEK goes to Stabatha:

* good sharing play

* tidied up her summoning ring nicely

* was Very Brave when she had a skinned knee

NAUGHTIEST LITTLE WIZARD TODDLER OF THE WEEK goes to Jimothy:

* was noisy during quiet play time

* summoned and let loose JfrDrsnak The Emmolent again for "a prank"

* lunchbox horseplay in the playground

[wizarddaycare]

*Answering my ringing wizard phone* Hello? Ah! No, we get that a lot, you want the Sunshine Sanctuary For Sick Dogs, this is the Wizard Day Care.

Yeah. The place with the kids.

Yeah. Yeah. No. Not dogs.

Don't worry! It's an honest mistake to make! Ok then, yeah good luck with all that. Bye! *The phone's internal magics make the dial tone noise briefly, before all energies are extinguished*

[wizarddaycare]

NOW HIRING

Do you have certain qualities? How about skills? If so, you could come work for us if you like!

Working for us, you will have such adventures as:

Herd children

Tackle magical mishaps

Feed "Him"

Clean the extra-dimensional arts and crafts cupboard

MUST TOLERATE CHILDREN. Must provide your own protective amulets. Payment is "ok" and comes with dental and you get to keep any weird rocks you find in the arts and crafts cupboard. Ask for Barold

[thefaestolemyname]

I am ready for a break from my negotiations with the fae; though children undoubtedly have much in common with them, there are differences enough.

Besides, I could use a few units of currency for a change.

Where may I apply?

[wizarddaycare]

Leave a CV with the day care and we'll get back to you. Do you have any references that aren't Fae in nature?

[wizarddaycare]

The kids keep saying I have "the rizz" but I don't know what that is. Some sort of enchantment perhaps?

[thefaestolemyname]

I am inclined to agree with them. Though you may not be enchanted, suffice to say you are certainly enchanting! Pray tell, what are thy pronouns?

[wizarddaycare]

He/him, but always yours ;)